To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

Very unpopular suggestion but can the children live with their dad and only visit you a few weekends a month until the baby is born?
That way he has no reason to contact you. Really tough situation I know but I don't want you to have a horrible pregnancy or for you to terminate.

Just love bomb your son for now. Share how proud you are of him. Admit your own frustrations with being limited.
I also think that maybe writing to him about how you feel may have some impact?

My how you feel, I mean that you will always love him no matter where he chooses to live

Sorry @RainMinusBow , devastating to be hearing of your X's manipulative hate speech 'from the mouth of babes' , through Ds. I wonder how much cash X is throwing at his lawyer as months go by?
Although Ds is needing to side with his Df for now,and will not admit it right now, he does need his mum too. No doubt it feels safer for Ds when facing such anger week after week , if he sides with him, and he is no longer the 'big bad enemy' to X.
It must be very confusing for Ds to be informed that his Dad plans to give him a trust fund, after "screwing you over for maintenance".

I wonder what magic amount of cash he plans to give Ds ? Wonder what amount he plans to allocate for girlfriend and himself? The mind boggles. Often lawyers win the most cash through all this heartache and pain.

Through all X's ranting and raving, angry hate speech and empty promises, Ds will remember you calmly stood your ground with your right to a fair settlement, and kept the door open and did not give up on Ds.

You do have a VERY clear case for Parental Alienation. X is;
-Openly defying court orders, refusing to let Ds spend time with you
-Teaching Ds to reject and disrespect you
-teachingDs to reject and disrespect his own sibling
-openly manipulating Ds to alienate from you , promising finacial reward from maintenance settlement if he takes X's side
It will be such a relief for Ds if you do focus as much as possible, to remain rhe calm loving parent , despite the absolute crap bullocks shit that he has been taught to mouth off at you.

No matter how ridiculous the things Ds says, he squawks like a parrot because that is what he is taught, and he is too young to know any better, with his Dad working overtime to try to alienate you.

Let X be the totally messed up parent. Let X keep ranting and raving. Keep the door open for your son, and keep calm and understanding with Ds

Focus on ways for defiant Ds to spend time, will he show you how to verse on a favourite game ?

Keep calmly informing Ds of the facts

Keep correcting Ds distorted view that you are 'the bad guy'

Help Ds to understand a balanced view

@Nagsnovalballs and @Gutterton and others hit the nail on the head

X is teaching Ds to bond through hate
This is pathalogical malalignment

Love bombing reawakens Ds ability to bond through love

Cafcass didn't listen to my concerns in 2014 so why will they this time?

The law on coercive control is one very significant thing that's changed since 2014.

@whatdayisitandotherquestions But it is almost impossible to prove. Court cases where it has been are exceptionally rare sadly.

Your X is intelligent , and knows how to manipulate so well it is a sick game.

You may need to think outside the square in order to change direction of X's constant intimidating emotional and verbal abuse.
Is X an only child as he seems to be used to getting his own way? Are X's parents aware of how he is acting. Arseholes like that know how to cover their tracks pretty well. Would telling his parents shame him into backing off, or incite him to be more aggro?

@midsummabreak Ex has an older brother but has always got his own way. His mother has a history of significant MH issues which caused her to be hospitalised when ex was a teenager. He had a history as a youth of minor police involvement and used to play truant from school. Rather than his parents being firm with him, his mother used to let him stay home.

If you go further up the thread (somewhere!) you will see that she has incited my son to continue to misbehave on order to get his own way. Some of her advice genuinely presented as "unhinged" in the true sense of the word.

His parents have always disliked me really - especially when it became clear I wasn't happy to be simply a stay at home wife raising my boys and doing what my husband expected of me.

For example, when I returned to my career one day a week after mat leave, ex FIL went mad at me, telling me my duty was with the children and that I didn't need to earn money as his son was more than capable of financially providing for us all.

You're so strong. Hopefully one day very soon your son will realise what is Dad is really like.

Well done for breaking free RainMinusBow
In time your son will realise who he can actually trust to be gentle and kind, and that no-one feels safe around abusers, because when they don't play along, they are next.

In time X will get what he deserves. Would you not qualify for legal aid as you are being abused?

@midsummabreak I don't qualify for any Legal Aid as coercive control almost impossible to prove. When I had a WPC come out in 2014 she said there was nothing they could do unless I could show bruises or physical injuries. Same still holds true today I wish so much he'd have hit me.

In time your son will realise who he can actually trust to be gentle and kind, and that no-one feels safe around abusers, because when they don't play along, they are next.

This crucial.

Your DS beneath is “acting out” persona is on high alert, hyped up and distressed because he will be sub consciously scared of his DFs anger and rage and manipulation which he is exposed to day in day out and as PP have said deep down knows it will be him next.

See your son as radicalised foot soldier of a rabid tyrant - he lives in a state of hyped emotions and fear. His body is flooded with adrenaline and cortisol - he is v stressed and is being triggered and stoked up all the time. He doesn’t love this psycho.

That’s why your foil of steady emotions, soothing, gentle, kindness, love, joy and your calm and peaceful home are critical to show him and draw him to this safe place. All of the oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, endorphins that you can rustle up for him will get you what you need.

I remember earlier in the thread you said that he was ignored at your xHs - this is important as if you give him all of the positive attention he will be attracted to this.

How is your other DS and your fiancé? What are their RS like with your DS? These are also important, independent RS that provide supportive glue to settle and ground your DS.

I would also have some reassuring but broad statements ready on rinse and repeat for any negative statements - that acknowledge his stress but also close down the conversation so that you don’t get drawn into escalating arguments / explanations - so keep it vague moving away from the actual specific content. So maybe things like:

That must be a worry for you. However:
that’s not how it is
that’s not how I see it
no need for you to worry about that
we will all be fine because we are kind, loving and helpful to each other
I won’t let that happen to you

And get him to express his feelings rather than his thoughts - so how are you feeling right now? Are you scared? Confused?

Anger is often a secondary emotion that is triggered in defence or under stress. Beneath the superficial anger is often fear and hurt. Tap into that behind the anger if you can so that you can soothe and reassure his deep fear and hurt rather than react to or be wounded by his superficial anger.

You are doing great. Take your wins hour by hour.

We were doing so well today. Youngest went for a walk with partner and I went into eldest and spent an hour attempting to play his computer games with him! He was lovely, his usual warm and kind self towards me.
I set up a bit of a karoke night for us all but mentally partner has been a bit down today. Eldest has been starting to push buttons again this evening a bit. He went out of room and partner said "I feel like I'm going to snap." Eldest was stood behind him at this point and heard. Straight on mobile messaging dad. So somethong else someone has said that is bound to be used against me.

I'm trying not to be cross at partner but we were doing so well today.

Hang on to that.

You had a great day.

YOU achieved that - you managed to get your boy back to his LOVELY, KIND & WARM self. That’s massive progress. You should feel immense pride and satisfaction.

It’s just a little wobble this evening...you will steady the ship again.

How wonderful giving him one to one gaming. Keep doing that - going into his world. And what joy a karaoke. I wish I was at your house tonight ...! Can you just carry on in the hope that he sees the fun and eventually joins in - he can’t dictate the mood. Fun isn’t cancelled due to his sulk. That’s the sort of accommodating that would breed bad behaviour.

Understandable partner feeling pressire, so difficult. But agree with @Gutterton, you made peace reign between your family! Pat yourself on back please. You are dealing with ridiculously stressful situation with such strength

Can u & partner also grab daily alone time ? For walk/ sit outside/ cuppa in bedroom & listen to music daily for an hour, while Ds and his younger sibling busy.

I have a feeling you and your partner will beat X at his game just by being yourselves
Im sure Partner will not say anything until alone in bedroom behind closed door, now, it is not his style anway, and not hard to do when you see Ds thinks he is a spy on duty 24/7 for X, and has been told to look for things wrong and text straight away
Easy to win that one, once u r prepared.

Especially with such a great partner, he sounds genuinely lovely and not one to normally snap.

Focus on the positive, he opened up and you had quality time together!

Your DP didn't a tusks say anything bad

Advice again pls. You guys are great.

So.... boys are due back to dad's tomorrow and then back to me following Monday.

Eldest has been fine today - even let me cut his hair!!

I've been in to speak to him on his own tonight, kept it very relaxed. However, he still maintains that he is not going to come home when he is due to again and that I'll just have to get the police to bring him back once more.

I just don't know what to do. If I leave him dad will claim he is the primary carer which will prove problematic going forwards.

But I can't keep calling police, can I?

I've tried to explain to son I'm not calling them on him, but his dad as he is not enforcing order.

Update... I've just had police round as ex called them. He said I had been to see my parents. I haven't been out of the house all fucking day. Police were fine, said they could see I was heavily pregnant.

So what happened is my partner walked past with kids on their daily walk as parents live in same village. Grandparents spoke to kids from their front window whilst boys sat on wall. This is at least 4m away. Youngest desperate for a drink so parents went inside while he went on garden and had quick sip from outside tap. Returned to partner, social distancing rules maintained at all times.

What have I done wrong? I'm confused.

I want to call the police dv team as I feel once again sick, in trouble, and intimidated by ex but partner is saying waste of time.

Has my partner broken rules by saying Hi to grandparents in same village whilst on their daily exercise?

No, your partner, your parents & your children have done nothing wrong here.

You've done nothing wrong, he's just being spiteful.

But I can't keep calling police, can I?

You can and should.