To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

I've gone up to bed so nobody can see me crying my eyes out. It's like my boy has died and I'm grieving for him. He's gone but never forgotten

OP, I’m sorry I keep repeating myself but I’m not sure if you’ve seen my message about parental alienation. It’s illegal in the UK and court orders can be made in favour of the parent being alienated if you can demonstrate your ex has been campaigning against you. Are you able to look into this?

@cheeseandpineapple I feel strongly that it is, but seems almost impossible to prove? Ex is such a convincingly nice and cooperative man on the face of it that nobody will believe me.

@joydivisionovengloves71 She lives with ex but doesn't have much at all to do with the children. Yes, she loves the lifestyle because it means she doesn't have to work and can play on the XBox all day and go in the hot tub. I'm not being rude here, but she probably hasn't even considered the implications of having a teenager full time.

My ex played mind games with our ds, he lured him to go & live with him at 14, thinking he was going to get all ds disability money, child benefit & tax credits handed to him on a plate, I played hard ball, kept paying for ds clothes, spending money, I gave him money on a supermarket gift card for food so he couldn't spend it anywhere else. After a year he got fed up & threw ds out on the street, I got a phone call "Mum can you come & get me, he's thrown me out" It took me giving ds what he thought he wanted to get him back where he belonged, the year without him was hell because his dad was bending his ear with how bad a mother I was, but now he is the loser because ds doesn't want anything to do with him.

@RainMinusBow But you have E-Mails from him don't you? Would those be evidence? And have you asked neighbours if they witnessed it when he was outside the house being abusive?

@Fudgewhizz No neighbours witnessed unfortunately. That's the thing, my ex is so clever. He is clever in his emails too - controlling but never abusive.

You don’t necessarily need evidence of it. Alienation is often done subtly and verbally. On the surface of it, a 12 year old who was happy with a 50/50 relationship and now insists on being with his father and is demonstrating a negative attitude towards you could be grounds alone for it. Your ex doesn’t have reasonable grounds for contesting the 50/50 order. Best to act quickly if alienation is suspected. It can be reversed.

“It is important to not allow too much time to elapse. Be proactive and talk to a lawyer at an early stage about your concerns so that action can be taken to protect your child.” (Quote From the second link).

www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parental-alienation/

www.google.ch/amp/s/www.porterdodson.co.uk/blog/what-is-parental-alienation%3fhs_amp=true

Have a look at this with a lawyer who has dealt with alienation along with reviewing the financial settlement on basis of potential fraud.

From cafcass website:

“The new Cafcass approach initially provides alienating parents the opportunity to alter their behaviour with therapy. If alienating parents fail to respond they will not be allowed to have their children with them. Additionally, contact between the alienating parent and child could also be refused for a number of months.”

Can’t vouch for this firm but they offer an initial free consultation on parental alienation. All the advice is to act quickly if it’s suspected.

www.kabirfamilylaw.co.uk/parental-alienation-syndrome/

My stepfather started using parental alienation tactics on me when I was the same age as your son to hurt my mother. I was able to identify what he was doing after a couple of years and I stopped listening to him. It left me feeling guilty for years afterwards but now I’m an adult I don’t think much of him. I hope this gives you some hope for the future. One day we will look back on the family court system with horror at how poorly it protects women from abusive men.

Hi all

Contacted my solicitor re parental alienation but she just said this:

I think you should continue to reassure and just explain that the current arrangements need to continue until the Court makes any change to them. If stays with his dad this may strengthen his case and he is likely to then say that he should become the primary carer.

I feel so bloody dispondent and like nobody gets the whole situation.

@RainMinusBow This sounds absolutely horrendous. Have you used the same solicitor throughout? They seem a bit wishy washy to be honest! PP have referred to special domestic violence or parental alienation solicitors. Maybe worth considering a change? Even if it’s just a free consultation or chat that PP have mentioned, before you engage? Get some good solid info before deciding about how to prove parental alienation.

My heart goes out to you. Your ex sounds like a complete and utter psychopath.

Well done for contacting your lawyer about parental alienation. Maybe it’s a case of waiting to see if your ex applies for a full custody order and then using alienation against that. Would you consider calling one of the other solicitors I linked to and see what they advise to make sure that a “wait and see” approach is the right one here?

Well done Rain that’s an important step you have taken today even if it’s not exactly what you wanted to hear.

Importantly they do advise AGAINST allowing him to stay at xH and to reassure to show that YOU are respecting the court decision.

Can you feel proud of yourself today. This is another example of your determination and love.

Maybe each day he is with you mentally count it as a victory - so if today is third day - just declare it as 3 - 0 at the end of today.

Then start a tally of the lovely calm peaceful minutes and hours against when your son is distressed. This will show a record of each day that it gets better and that there are more calm hours than histrionics. You might see patterns - he is fine in the mornings worse in the evenings - and can prepare and compartmentalise to manage your own expectations and anxiety?

This is juts little increments of victories.
Being present in the moment and minute.

We know that you will face this again in 24 days time ...... but for the next 24 days focus on the here and now.

You really are an inspirational Mum.

I am sure that documenting all of the parental alienation incidents will be relevant and valuable down the line if your xH goes back to court.

Log what has happened to date and keep a log there after. Incident by incident - date and time. They can check back against phone records if they need to.

Hi all.

@cheeseandpineapple Yes, I used one of your links and got 15 mins free - thank you very much.

I've now got to make the decision whether I stay with my solicitor and barrister (the barrister is superb) or change. I'm unsure atm.

I know I will have to have a telephone call with Cafcass but honestly don't know what to say for the best. I feel if I tell them the truth then they will think that I simply have animosity towards my ex and I'm not acting in son's best interests.

What worries me also is that I know son won't come back again when he is due. What do I do for the best then?

What was the advice of the other lawyer?

@RainMinusBow you can change solicitor and keep the same barrister. Just tell your new solicitor that you would like to do so.

@cheeseandpineapple He said he could see clear indicators of Parental Alienation but that he'd want to advise me re what to say to Cafcass before the call. But as with all solicitors he'd need a lot of money up front first.

Thing is, my current solicitor may also be well clued up re Parental Alienation, we just haven't got to that point in proceedings just yet.

I'm terrified of speaking to Cafcass after last time.

Involve your local Councillor and your MP. Tell them that you’ve toed the line but the recommended legal and social care channels have failed to protect you. You’ll be surprised at how effective they can be.

@KittyKattyKate Great idea,,thank you. I'll do that too 😊

Amazing to see your strength coming through in hope and motivation. This action will translate positively to creating your calm, peaceful, loving, joyous, respectful home right now. All 5 of you need to be flooded with happy endorphins and neurotransmitters to flush out the negative cortisol and adrenaline caused by stress.

This article might help. Wishing you a restful and gentle day.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/hacking-into-your-happy-c_b_6007660/amp

I don’t want to come across as suggesting you need to be Pollyanna / Mary Poppins.

I can’t imagine what horror and terror you are being exposed to - just suggesting that if you can aim to claw back 2 minutes of calmness every day when interacting with your DCs you will achieve an incredible amount for your family. Fake it to make it. It is contagious. Your calm, peace, soothing, loving energy is more powerful and more easily absorbed than xH evil anger.

Hi @RainMinusBow you could also call this number for independent legal advice
childlawadvice.org.uk/

0300 330 5480

Some lovely support on this thread , it is heartbreaking and totally understandable you are devastated by your X nasty antics impacting your Ds.

Ds may challenge you as he is being encouraged by X, but as others have said, as you continue to remain calm , fair and do all you can to make Ds feel heard, Ds will grow up knowing you are there for him and love him dearly, even when he is with his Dad.

It so true what @Gutterton says, snatch some precious moments to share with your Ds, your love and strength is healing through these tough times.

if Ds avoids sharing meals, try chatting when in car with hot chocolate or treat , he may chat along more easily then, even if it is on way to XDh or shops for groceries. Can you steal time to play online or video games together. Challenge to beat in a game? Boys love to win! Bring back the joking Mum and forget your troubles for a bit.

Pay no heed to Ds emotional outbursts at this point and focus on catching as many moments of fun as you can.

@midsummabreak Thank you very much, I've spoken to this organisation before. They advised I speak to a solicitor for specific help which I've done.

I'm never in the car with son now due to lockdown and he won't go for a walk to the shops with me as dad has told him it's "putting him at risk." I've tried to get him put for walks but I think he feels frustrated (aa do I) as I can't go far being so heavily pregnant. I feel guilty for being so useless.

Son told me today that when he lIves with his dad ft they're going to "screw me over" for maintenance so that I can't spend money on the "shit-arsed" baby and then his dad is going to put it all in his Child Trust Fund for him.