To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

@pink She’s a bit late to abort now at 33 weeks.

Oh I didn't look at the date of the first post 🙈, that's good! @OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe.

The issue with taking his mobile is that my son is already very angry and highly anxious - taking his mobile away would further escalate this, make me look again like the bad guy and cause his dad to go nuts again. I am just trying so hard to keep things on an even keel for the time being for the sake of us all - my younger my boy, my partner and my unborn baby.

My son has been so lovely again tonight - came and sat next to me and chilled out watching TV before bed.

I'm just so scared his dad's manipulation and control will mean I end up losing him and I won't have a relationship with a son who I love so very, very much.

@PinkCrayon I have tried to avoid all direct contact but he won't release the kids unless I'm present. Problem is the Court Order technically refers to hand over to "parent with whom children are with that week." He won't release therefore to my parents or my fiancé.

How beautiful - even quicker this time for him to settle. Keep doing what you are good at creating a calm, peaceful and loving home for him.

You are amazing.

The thing as well is ex is a very clever and manipulative individual, completely Jeckyll and Hyde. The majority of people that meet him for the first time believe he is a wonderful father. When I first left him nobody had even one suspicion of the abuser he was/is. Our joint "friends" all took his side without question as he portrays such a believable and convincing front. It's actually very disturbing.

Even my own mother is now suggesting I "let my eldest go" and live my life with just my fiancé, my youngest and my new baby. I can't put into words how much this scares and hurts me. He's my son.

It’s not your responsibility and not in your interests to expend your precious emotional energy convincing people what he is like.

Don’t waste your headspace. It doesn’t matter to your life what people think of him.

Circle the wagons now, turn your back on him and other unhelpful people in your life (your DM as let you down too many times) and focus on the 5 of you.

@Gutterton But if he can persuade Cafcass he's the "perfect father" then that will go very much against me.

@RainMinusBow I'm honestly rather in awe of you. You are pretty much superwoman to have coped with all this! It's rare I read a thread so thoroughly when it's this long but yours has affected me more than probably anything else I've read on MN. The fact that your son has been lovely this evening just goes to show that despite all the vitriol he's been fed he still feels secure enough with you to be his normal self. My DH works with SS a lot and he is all too familiar with cases like this (ie lack of physical abuse) and gets really sad that resources are so lacking that the criteria are what they are - but this does also mean that there ARE people who will believe you (from what you've said, he said he would if looking at it from a work POV).

I so wish I could be of any use but I just wanted to say how amazing I think you are and how lucky your kids are to have you. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and I don't know how I'd have got through what you have. You will win this

Keep documenting every single incident with evidence if you can. Call the police each and every time. It’s the repeated incidents and totality they can’t ignore.

As PP said ensure that your legal team a SHL with respect to abusers.

Hi all. A better day with eldest although he is pretty much staying in his room and still won't eat with us.
Tonight on the phone to his dad he has said he now wants to live with him ft because I've called the police to get him to return again and I haven't listened to him. Ex is still telling him he can make the choice even though he is only 12. Son asked ex what his lawyer has said and they discussed this in detail (ex checked first he was off speakerphone).
Should I give in and let son stay with his dad? I fear if I don't I will ultimately end up losing him all together.

My relationship with him at moment is pretty much non-existent anyway

And did I do the right thing keeping my baby if it's going to cost me my son?

“ Ex is still telling him he can make the choice even though he is only 12.“ Son’s wishes WILL be listened to in court.

“And did I do the right thing keeping my baby if it's going to cost me my son?” ABSOLUTELY you did the right thing!

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe He's still on phone to dad and it's killing me. I'm trying not to get angry. Saying he wants nothing to do with my baby and doesn't want to ever see her. His half-sister. All him and his dad are doing is slagging me off. What do I do?

Rise above it. Look to the long game. Keep loving your DS.

Don’t listen. Don’t engage. Cut any comments from your DS short with a rinse and repeat vanilla comment and then distract.

“Oh you are so upset”
“That’s sad”
“Let’s not worry about that now”

“Let’s find your brother and bake some brownies / build a bonfire / build a camp / put up a tent / get the BBQ going / make some milkshakes”

Nobody will help me make this abuser stop. Nobody. Best if I wasn't here so I don't have to keep going through this constant hell.

@Gutterton son just tells me to fuck off.

Absolutely heartbreaking.
He won’t always be a wee boy. He’ll grow and (hopefully) see what poison his dad really is.

Can you speak to SHL about building a case for parental alienation?

Keep having compassion for him your xH is abusing and traumatising your DS in this process.

You need to keep be the gentle, loving, calm and peaceful counter balance as hard as it is. Trust that it will be better tomorrow.

It’s only words.

You DS will continue to settle more each day.

What can you do to protect and comfort yourself?

How can you emotionally detach and protect yourself?

I'm really worried about you. I posted before about letting him go because I don't think you can take much more OP. My opinion wasn't popular but I don't see it as giving up on him.

What I should have done when my children were younger was get the hell out of the town I live in but everyone persuaded me to stay so as the children would be near their father.

It's too late for that now as they're older. This might be a naive question but would you be arrested if you just took the children away? Live somewhere else?

@Guardsman18 If we move away I would be in breach of Court Order and would probably lose both boys forever. Although tbh it looks like I'm already going to lose the eldest.

The reality is ex has won and brainwashed my eldest into hating me. It's gone too far to get him back. As long as I am breathing I will have to endure the abuse unless I give ex what he wants which is the boys full time. I think it's the only way.

Ok. When I first posted and said to let him go and live with his dad, you said - how can I do that? He's only 12. You will always be his mum and I'm not sure (don't think) that this fight is doing anyone any favours.

You're son is unhappy, you're unhappy, you're younger son must be and your partner. You should be looking forward to your baby girl.

You have him for a week? Then he goes back yes?

This has resonated with me because my eldest son is 19 now and God has he been influenced by his father. I hate it. I am just always here as his mum and love him the way I have always wanted to. Sorry if I'm not coherent. Let him go lovely. He''ll be back. It won't be the same but it wasn't from the time you split up.

It will just be a different relationship.

@Guardsman18 But he won't be back as his father has convinced him I'm the worst person in the world. I would be giving him up forever.

What does the young girlfriend think about all this? I'm guessing she's with him for the lifestyle? The novelty will soon wear off having an 11 year old boy there full time, When she wants a fun romantic holiday and he goes along too?