To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

My friends gone through CAO, the more her ex broke and refused to bring DC home it actually worked in her favour. He then go EOW as he "couldn't be trusted" and "didn't put the childrens needs first"
^
I hope this will happen in your case too.

@Tigersneeze I can but dream.

Police supportive and returned son about half hour ago. He is calling me every name under the sun and saying I'm the world's worst mum etc. He's in his room crying.

It is so hard when all I've done is constantly fight to keep him away from manipulation and act in his best interests, and suffered so very much as a result.

I just hope and pray this will one day be recognised by the courts.

I can but dream.
ok, stop this helpless thinking, not dreaming - doing. you will make it happen. you will call the police. again and again and again. each time it will become easier. you will collect evidence by recording and writing down comments, and share them with the court, the police, the social workers - till they do their job and help you.
*
Police supportive and returned son about half hour ago. He is calling me every name under the sun and saying I'm the world's worst mum etc. He's in his room crying.*
yes, this is traumatic for him. Tell him you love him. tell him you love him so much, and you are sad with him for hurting. tell him you have to stick to what the judge has decided, it is important to do what the court has ordered.
*
It is so hard when all I've done is constantly fight to keep him away from manipulation and act in his best interests, and suffered so very much as a result.*

i hear you. its cruel and unfair. stop the vicious cycle. you had excellent advice here from pp who went through it yourself. follow their advice:

• don't take ex h calls
• only communicate with ex per email, your DH is reading the emails and only tells you what you need to know. he has to filter away the crap.
• you will not be present at child hand over from now on. if exh refuses to return children on this basis, you call the police each time. he will stop after 3 times.
• read up on learned helplessness as well the dynamics of control online and fond many more techniques to help you

* I just hope and pray this will one day be recognised by the courts.*

i hope this for you too. yet, this wont happen tomorrow right ? so please start with the list of actions above. you might find that you are not as helpless as you believe.

OP this pattern will keep repeating itself. Please engage a solicitor who will review the financial settlement and investigate parental alienation.

Before your ex takes legal proceedings to change the custody order.

Well done Rain you followed through - like you have done each and every time before and your son is home safe - and you will do it again.

You know today will be difficult for your DS - he will be stressed as he goes through transition from the house of horror to back to the house of love. But you did it beautifully last time and this time will be the same. As PP has said they will give up if you keep enforcing the order.

You need to look at ways to protect yourself. You could have called the police at 9am yesterday. You could have enjoyed a peaceful weekend and chosen not to worry about the Monday 9am handover but had some self care and kindness and soothing for you, your OH and your baby.

Now you have new options.
Can you block your xH for next 2 weeks whilst kids are with you. Tell him only to contact you by email.

Can you focus on soothing your DS - like he has come from a violent war zone?

If your xH uses your DS phone for abuse of you - and threats to your baby - call the police - they are v attuned to the risks of ESCALATION - and will respond to that. Record everything.

You don’t have to do much apart from keep calm, soothe your son, block xH and call the police each and every time. Even if “nothing happens” immediately - there are call logs that cannot be ignored and build a picture.

@Gutterton He's been on his mobile to his dad who is clearly inciting and winding up. Son is now saying he wants to be with his dad ft. I'm trying to get advice re taking his mobile but his dad paid for it and it says in the Agreement he can contact father any time. Ex is doing NOTHING to allay son's fear or keep to Court Order. He is just fueling son's fears.

We applied for an emergency Court Hearing two weeks ago. Judge ruled CAO must be abided by. It cost just shy of £4k to get this through.

The judge ruled that you must abided by the current CAO. Not that you can't petition for a new arrangement. You can do this.

So use the money you would've used for the midwife and save your children. You don't need the midwife you want it.

I don’t know what you can do about your sons mobile phone - I don’t think that you can take it away without that backfiring on you.

However I would just up the love ante in your home - so that your son feels safe and secure and feels / sees that there is no bogey man - he is old enough to know his DF is talking shit. I wouldn’t engage to deeply in words or arguments - just reassuring phrases - we will all be OK, sorry you feel stressed - and then get him distracted on to fun projects - build an bonfire BBQ - baking - out for a bike ride - do fun stuff - he is a little boy and should be distracted with play and activities.

Have YOU blocked your xH?

The game is the same always - you are the essential good and loving counter to all of your xH evil and destructive forces.

You have won this battle yet again - be proud that you have saved your son - and you will finally win the war.

Don’t respond or worry to much about the exact content of your xH words - it’s all the same strategy to destabilise you - so step back and know that and all you have to do is give your son a calm and peaceful home - lots of love and fun. Even if you are exhausted and don’t feel like it right now - don’t let him see your anxiety for a couple of days - shelve it for him - fake it to make it.

It was fine within 24 hours last time - it will be better this time too.

What fun and distractions does he love the most?

@Gutterton Thank you. I'd love to take him for a long walk but at 33 weeks' pregnant it's not really possible! We don't have bikes here and again, even if I had one, probably to be avoided in my current condition. I feel so useless!! Trying to think of something we could do together when he's feeling OK but he only really enjoys gaming.

@drunkyhumptydumpty Ex is taking me to court, now applying for either ft custody or me to see boys just EOW. Sadly this is what happens when you dare to challenge a narcissist.

I will fight it as I always do, but he is an incredibly convincing character and often pulls the wool successfully.

Cafcass didn't listen to my concerns in 2014 so why will they this time? Especially now eldest is saying he doesn't want to be with me.

@RainMinusBow please please please find a kinder voice for yourself.

* "I feel so useless!*"

well you are not useless.

please can you tell yourself instead:

I just got DS out of ExH horrible house and back to where he is loved. I managed this against the odds. I did that, even if it was hard. i made it happen.

and brilliant news about your Ds loving to game - get on with it!! game with him! create a shared hobby, what are you waiting for!!

@RainMinusBow, this is the most harrowing thing I have ever read on MN and I wish I had a magic wand to make your vile ex disappear for good for you!

I’ve no advice other than what everyone else has already said. Please try and stay strong and fight for your boys and for your little girl too.

Sending love and strength and a massive hug xxx

How do you know that he is taking you to court?

@Guardsman18 He's put in an application and also told my son. I can't even bear to think about losing my son any more than I already have being 50/50.

On the phone today we heard son and ex saying that when he does (not if) get awarded more custody he is going to "drain me of every penny he can" and then, because they don't need it, "donate it to the Conservative party" for a laugh.

My heart goes out to you @RainminusBow. Please know that everything post is coming from a good place. I'm not trying to hurt or goad you in any way.

Can I ask how things were when you first left? Is it since your pregnancy that he has upped the ante? I am not trying to be the font of all knowledge, just trying to help in some way.

From 2014 until 2019 how were things?

@Guardsman18 Not at all. I still can't talk much about what he put me through when I first left (it's too distressing), but it included taking one son and leaving me with literally just the clothes on my back.

It has been hell ever since and definitely has escalated again since he found out I am pregnant.

I am sorry you are going through such a hideous ordeal but pleased the police were good and returned your son.

Can you put in a claim for full custody when he takes you to court? As other posters have said it is parental alienation. You said the judge in the last case gave him a dressing down. That is surely in your favour. What did your solicitor say about it at the end of your case? He was talking about it then.

Can you look into a non molestation order. I do think that would help your case. Your ex is an account isn’t he? He cares about money and status and he could lose that if he breached the order. I say that because I have an abusive ex too. Going to the police worked with him. I know in the past they have let you down badly but now you seem to be getting better support from them.

I posted the link to the charity which does the free DV protection orders back in the thread. Did you ever call them?

What can you do to protect yourself?

Can you not listen in to his calls with your son? He wants you to hear it. You are giving him the power?

Can you not be drawn into conversations with your son - not react to stuff he says about the xH? Just say - there is nothing to worry about it will all be fine.

Have you blocked him now for the next 2 weeks? There is no need to communicate.

You would seriously abort/abandon this much wanted and born of love baby because of that psychopath? ?

You sound like you've given up. But you're not done yet. Now is the time that you seriously need to fight like hell for your children, your fiancee and your unborn baby. Report him. Get help, it's there.

Keep on at the police every time your dickhead of an ex puts a toe out of line. Use the cao to your advantage. The arsehole isnt going to be invincible forever. His charade will crack

Get that phone off him! Him having such constant access is perpetuating the abuse towards both you and your son. That needs to stop immediately.
Fuck what’s in the agreement. Take it away.

I agree with @ButtonMoonLoon your ex doesn’t play by the rules so why should you?
I would take the phone too.

As @Elephantgrey said look into a non molestation order, you need to report him every time hes abusive.
No one should have to suffer as you are. You also need to make sure you aren't doing hand overs you need to block him out as much as possible.
He is getting his kicks out of making your life hell and holding the control here.
Just a suggestion I found solicitors really vary in how good they are at their job, does yours have a good reputation? Do you feel they are fighting your corner? Only I am really surprised that handovers haven't been advised that you get someone else to do them and been advised a non molestation order should be applied for? I had a nightmare ex and I have to say when I found a decent solicitor I told them all my problems and they sorted out everything I needed what orders etc... And made me feel so supported as I was so lost with no idea what to do. It got my ex to back off more.
Please don't abort your baby and never stop reaching out for support.
You can do this.