To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

*involved

You've said the accusations he raised against you and your fiancée were found to be false. This should give you hope. Find a solicitor and get advice. If he is damaging your children then that is grounds to stop contact.

Don’t then waste the £4K that you have invested in the court order - get the value out of it and call the police.

You have done it before. You can do it again. And again. And again.

It’s only a phone call. They take charge and do the rest.

He is not above the law. They will have seen this type of character time and time again.

Tell police XDh keeps knowingly goading your children to hate their unborn siing, and has incited Ds to actually harm unborn baby. This is clear child abuse. Your x is likely to lose his 50 per cent over that

*unborn sibling

You need to call the police as this is breech of court order AGAIN, but if dad takes you to court your son’s wishes will be taken into account.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but I would let him stay. He obviously doesn’t want to live with you (I fully understand that dad & gran have made him think like this!), but this is how your son is feeling.
Say you do get him home, he’ll only refuse again next time, and again and again.

OP as well as fraud look into parental alienation which is illegal in the UK.

I know it’s hard but for now maybe leave trying to get your son back today. Work out how you can win the war and this latest breach will be a demonstration of continued breach and parental alienation. You need a knock out blow.

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe He is only 12 and has been brainwashed. It is my duty aa a mother to protect him from the abuser I suffered at the hands of myself. He is making decisions based on fear and false information.

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe

how can you suggest abandoning a minor at the hands of an abusive parent.

Horrific advice.

and of course OP will call the police again and again, for the mental wellbeing of her son

I know it's exhausting but you can't let this slip. It's like disciplining a child. Everytime he breaches the order record it and report. Keep your diary and show it to your solicitor. Keep standing up for your kids, even if they have been brainwashed to seem ungrateful. They are probably just terrified of him. Be their constant.

I've called the police and details have been taken. They have got a lot of history of ex's coercive control on file so hopefully they'll be able to help.
What does it take to be able to prove dv of both myself and my son?

OP if you let your son stay with your ex for the time being, make it clear the situation is not acceptable and you’re taking appropriate steps. Then focus on getting advice to review the financial situation based on fraud and to review the custody order based on parental alienation. Courts in the UK are recognising parental alienation. Keep all the evidence of your son saying he doesn’t want to come home and all other negative communications from him, your ex and your ex’s mother.

So sorry you’re going through this but use this time to build your case and also make clear to your son that you don’t agree with his decision and you’re going to be taking steps to have the situation reviewed so he knows you’re not giving in and you’ll be taking action. But for the time being even if you don’t want your son with your ex, your son will be ok being there for the time being. It’s just temporary.

well done! one step at a time.
your ex is trying to grind you down, but two can play this game.

your son is lucky to have you fighting for him.

@cheeseandpineapple But if I allow son to stay with ex the control, manipulation and brainwashing gets worse. I know my ex is dangerous if he is not obeyed. For example, when I first tried to discuss separating he made me sleep on the floor, locked me put of the house if not back by a certain time and took my purse our of my bag so I could not buy food.

@Tigersneeze Thank you. I'm trying to eat for baby but have got a bin by me as the stress once again is taking its toll. I just want my boy back.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm afraid it requires the long game. For now, and I stress FOR NOW, your son is with your ex and under his influence. Collect every bit of evidence you can. Absolutely speak to the police and get this on record.

It would seem taking this to court is inevitable, and you may need to self represent, which I promise isn't as terrible as it sounds - the more evidence you have the better.

You should be able to get a much better court order. If you can prove parental alienation, you may very well be able to reduce his contact.

I'm sure you already have, but make sure your son has a clear message from you that you love him, you want him home, and above all else you want what's right for him.

Sending so much hugs and strength OP I'm 37 years old and 34 weeks pregnant myself and couldn't imagine going through your hell. Your ex is a monster and I am disgusted by the lack of material and professional support you've received from the authorities, the abuse is harrowing I can't believe there is so little help for you. Xxx

I feel so sorry for your kids and you do the right thing getting them away from that toxic nightmare of a household as much as possible.

You are so incredible OP for putting up with this, keep your strength up for your little girl, I really think things will work out for you in the end. Xxx

Hope you win the lottery too!

Still awaiting a call back from the police - just totally fed up now

@RainMinusBow
this must be so exhausting.
Did the police explain what are their next steps if your exh refuses to follow the court order?

@Tigersneeze I'm emotionallucky spent and not sleeping at night. Last I heard they were looking at sending someone round to ex's house but that was at about 2pm.

*emotionally

I'm getting to the point again where I just don't think I can do this any more. I can't keep being put through this.

@RainMinusBow have you not heard from your son since you've contacted the police ? And you've had no update from the police as yet ?

@Goldenmother No to either

Oh OP, this has been absolutely awful to read.
Is your youngest home?
Ive had abuse myself (before DC) and emotional/coercive control is honestly worst than the physical abuse.
I really hope the police bring him home.
My friends gone through CAO, the more her ex broke and refused to bring DC home it actually worked in her favour. He then go EOW as he "couldn't be trusted" and "didn't put the childrens needs first"
I really really hope the eldest is home soon!
don't give up on your daughter, or yourself. You're stronger than you realise. Remember that x

Thinking of you, been following a while and can’t imagine the pain you are going through at the mo