To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

The point is, stop being negative that this or that won't work. Try it and try to make it work. If. It fails u are no worse than before, you might get surprised and succeed!

Did your counsel not attempt or suggest getting a costs order against Ex for the most recent shenanigans?

@LightDrizzle Costs Order was requested by my solicitor but she did warn us at the very start of proceedings we were unliikely to get back. Apparently it's very rare to be awarded in the Family Court. Yet more financial abuse/control from ex. We had to use our savings kept so one day we could get out of rented and buy as it's been six years now. Looking unlikely now this will ever happen.

@Azadewow When this first happened in 2014 I submitted a 6 pg doc to Cafcass detailing the horrendous abuse I'd suffered at the hands of my ex. It was disregarded as although they didn't disbelieve me, apparently it didn't make him a "bad father." I warned them if he couldn't control me he would turn his attention to the kids, in particular the eldest. It was ignored.

I've been keeping a diary detailing son's patterns of escalations in anxiety but not sure it will be of any use? My youngest was also struggling to sleep and woke me up in the middle of the night every day he was with us.

For your 9 and 12 year old's sakes you need to refuse to allow them to be damaged for life. Ask for a female police officer and tell everything.

Be honest that you can't keep suffering this relentless abuse.
Tell her that he always escalates his false accusations and anger if you report his emotional abuse.

Explain that your children have now started to join him as they have been scared by his reactions in the past if they go against him.

Say that your children have been trained to try to hurt the baby and what he told them to do.

As expected, son refusing to come. Was shouted at by ex's gf. Ex says it is son's choice. Wish me luck with the police.

stay strong.
calling the police means making sure your sons isn't staying in an abusive environment.

insisting for him to cone hime to you will also take exh argument that you don't care about DS

I get your frustrations but you are still allowing this man to control you, "he insist on you being there during hand overs and won't engage with ur DP" tough shit, it's this way or no way is what I would be saying, take back the control, he is still controlling you because you are allowing him to.

I understand your frustration and distrust of the system. But you need to keep trying, yes there is always the chance they won't listen. But what if they do? U have nothing to lose. Not to mention that things do improve slowly overall about dv within the system, as in the definition of what constitutes dv and believing. The victim has gotten better since u first left ex.

And you don't need luck with the police today. You have a court order, do not engage with ex or exs gf or anyone else. You just tell them. Return son by x time or police will be coming to enforce the order. Call police and tell them I have a court order and he is in breach. That is all that is needed...

@Lorddenning1 But I simply cannot force ex to engage with OH. Ex says Court Order stipulates handover to "other parent" so he simply will not release to anybody else.

My son is saying he has the choice to stay at his dad's as that's what ex has led him to believe.

I didn't engage with his 26 yo gf, she started shouting at me.

Can you try the email only suggestion, keep the emails about the kids only, don't engage with him about the baby and where you shop etc, don't bite.
Tell him u will no longer be accepting his calls or text and tell him email only and u will be checking them once a week. Say if there is an emergency he can cannot your DP. During hangovers, keep it brief and again don't engage with him, there is no reason you even need to talk to him, the baby and your personal life is off limits and absolutely has nothing to do with him, google the term grey rock. Doing this will not stop him being a dick but what it does do is protect you from the stress and drama of him.

OP based on what your ex did with his brother as a business partner, can you look into reopening the settlement on the grounds of fraud?

www.stowefamilylaw.co.uk/blog/2018/10/15/dishonesty-in-divorce-the-six-red-flags-of-fraud-and-asset-hiding/

www.google.ch/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/money/2015/jun/08/supreme-court-divorce-settlements-alison-sharland-varsha-gohil-ex-husbands

Can you use some of the money from the original settlement to instruct a forensic accountant to investigate or at least to intimate investigation as he probably doesn’t want that can of works opened?

Worms not works!

Good luck op, I'm sure the police will sort it out for you.

I would prioritise a CAO over a private midwife.

And now don't engage again. Just call the police.

Rainminusbow your Ds is keeping on XDh side only for now as he either has been worn down se as you, or the alternative is scary and he mistakenly feels safer

You are a wonderful parent dealing with an arsehole lying decietful emotionally abusive person. He will not be able to continue this once you expose him to police and in the courts They already know some of his history.
As @cheeseandpineapple suggests exposw All of his fraud and lies and watch the bastard try to cover that up.

Good luck OP. What time do you need to call the police?

Can your OH open any texts from your xH, DS, xHGF, xHDM and forward / copy them to his phone / email for documentation. Then delete them on your phone? Most don’t / won’t require a response. You seeing them is wounding you deeply.

Maybe get a new sim/phone so that this phone is only for your xH and you can leave it turned off whilst your DCs are with you and your OH can manage it when the boys are with xH.

He was supposed to be collected at 9 am but he refused to get in car. I am trying my best via whatsapp to get him to come home without the police being called but so far no luck.

@drunkyhumptydumpty We have had a CAO in place since 2014. Ex is continuing to breech it.

You need to call the police right now. Can your OH do it for you?

You xH has your DS WhatsApp and is just yanking your chain and kicking your butt with an evil grin on his face.

Put a stop to that. Take away his power. Take yourself and your unborn baby out of his emotional punching distance and call the police.

Your DS doesn’t need this psycho drama either. Get the adults involved now.

Yes I understand that.
But you have the option of returning it to court.
You say you can't because you don't have the money.
But you do. You could just prioritise court.

@drunkyhumptydumpty We applied for an emergency Court Hearing two weeks ago. Judge ruled CAO must be abided by. It cost just shy of £4k to get this through.

This means we now can't buy and will be in rented for the forseeable (as we have been for 6 yrs) but I've had no choice.
But ex is convinced he is above the law and therefore is ignoring the judge's ruling.

call the police and get your son home.

this js the perfect moment to show strength

@Tigersneeze I'm just about to call them but they may well say they can't get imolded again.