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Original poster

To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

999 replies

RainMinusBow · 28/12/2019 12:53

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

OP posts:
Lorddenning1 · 12/04/2020 16:44

@RainMinusBow what do you think about only having contact through email, like someone suggested reading them
Once a week?

nixso29 · 12/04/2020 16:44

I would let your son stay with his dad and just let him know that you love him very much and he can come home at any time he just needs to say. That way he is making the decision for himself. The more you push the more your ex will feel like what he is doing is working. Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction. I would be worried about my unborn baby from some of the things you have said your son has bee saying/doing.

Lorddenning1 · 12/04/2020 16:47

My ex became very toxic to me and I ended up with really bad anxiety until I got some councilling and put boundaries in place, when he became abusive I will tell him not to talk to me like that and if he continues I will block him, and I ended up doing for around a week until the promised to not talk to me like that, I also Grey rocked him and it's helps so much to not let any drama in, you should try it, they hate it when u take the control away.

Tigersneeze · 12/04/2020 17:02

And ex will argue I am further distressing my son by keeping involving the police.

and you can argue ex is influencing DS against both judges rule and court order. which is by far more unreasonable than you enforcing a court order.

Gutterton · 12/04/2020 17:14

Who is your xH arguing with if you don’t engage.

You don’t have to open any texts or respond.

You are likely suffering cPTSD and exposure to his words and texts trigger you into another emotional overwhelm episode. You have to emotionally protect yourself from this assault. If it means that your OH opens texts (even from your DS) and handles everything with simple calm responses and only alerts you to something urgent - can you do that?

strawberry2017 · 12/04/2020 17:29

Do you think the eldest would want to stay when the youngest comes home with you?
You say the youngest is desperate to come home so it makes me wonder if once the youngest wasn't there would he actually be happy to stay.
X

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 12/04/2020 18:29

@strawberry2017 Sadly he would be. Eldest has been made to 100% believe he will get coronavirus if he's with us then will infect baby and baby will die and it will all be his fault. He has been brainwashed into thinking he is not safe here.

I just don't know what to do but my gut is telling me to call the police tomorrow if the eldest refuses to come home again.

OP posts:
Tinyhumansurvivalist · 12/04/2020 18:34

You need to call the police if your ex doesn't return both kids. YOU are not causing the issue or the distress, your ex is at fault. He is the one looking to breech the court order.

Do not engage. If eldest doesn't come home call the police. If he becomes abusive report his abuse to the police.

Stop letting him have the control via fear of what he will say and do. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME, he is for being a bullying knobhead.

Gutterton · 12/04/2020 19:10

You might be required to call the police - as maybe you could be seen as being complicit in breaking it if you didn’t put in the call.

Gutterton · 12/04/2020 19:16

Can you ask your fiancé to help out? Can he take responsibility for calling the police?

Enough4me · 12/04/2020 19:29

Don't give up!
Try new strategies. My partner messages my exH about DCs childcare arrangements and shares replies with me. Putting another person in between helps as he sticks to facts and my ex does not know my partner so although he is still unhelpful it isn't at the same level of attack.

My DCs know their dad is Disney -Dad-not-really-a-parent. Originally I tried to ignore his influence, but now we openly talk about it and challenge assumptions that their schools would not support. Using the school values helps as you can say you do as the school advises, as that is appropriate social behaviour. Have rules of your house, not following has consequences (no gaming / TV).

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 12/04/2020 19:34

My OH has tried to liaise with ex as obviously he wants my stress to be at a minimum right now. However, my ex refuses to have anything to do with him, saying that the boys are "none of his effing business".

OP posts:
GeekyGirl42 · 12/04/2020 19:54

I use an app called 2houses. It is specifically for contacting your ex about contact arrangements and children, and means you can block all other channels of communication.

And keep any evidence you have of this behavior.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 12/04/2020 20:05

@GeekyGirl42 Thank you, I've heard that's supposed to be really good. Thing is, he won't engage with it. I've asked him to stop sending me texts. He refuses. He insists I have to be present upon every handover and will not release kids to either my OH pr my parents. It's all about control but sadly nobody seems to be able to make it stop.

OP posts:
GeekyGirl42 · 12/04/2020 22:29

Gosh. And there's a court order? If possible, I'd try to get it adjusted to take into account his behavior. EG contact only via a specific app and you don't do handovers.

Do you have evidence from texts? If his behavior has got you to this point, would your midwife / GP be able to support a statement that this has affected your health?

If in any way possible, get this all in front a solicitor, preferably one who is experienced in dealing with abuse carrying on in this way.

GeekyGirl42 · 12/04/2020 22:32

Essentially what I'm trying to say is that it does not sound like he's stuck to the court order, so you need to find out what the implications are of breaking it on your side to get it back in court.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 12/04/2020 22:55

@GeekyGirl42 Yes he breeched the Court Order that has been in place since 2014. We got an Urgent Hearing and Court ordered boys to return to me and 50/50 to resume. Police were also given power to return which unfortunately I had to use. Son came back in an extremely heightened state, convinced we must all stay 2m away from him.

But ex is convinced he is above the law so is breeching it again tomorrow. He says he can't force son to come back. His advice the other week was that I physically manhandle son in order to get him in the car. Well I'd never do that anyway and let's not forget I am 33 weeks' pregnant!

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 12/04/2020 22:56

It cost just shy of £4k to get them returned.

OP posts:
ferntwist · 12/04/2020 22:58

Please don’t let this disgusting man ruin your chance of this baby with your fiancé. You’re worth so much more and so is your baby.

ferntwist · 12/04/2020 22:59

Agree with PPs that you must get more legal help and take this back to court with as much evidence as possible of his ongoing abuse.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 12/04/2020 23:28

@ferntwist We simply can't afford £4k a week on legal fees as it cost a few weeks' back. My OH and I both work ft but our joint income is only around just under £30k pa.
My ex is not required to pay anything in the way of maintenance despite his wealth and we don't qualify for legal aid.

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 12/04/2020 23:53

OP as hard as it is, you MUST keep fighting. You can’t let this bully win!!

Azadewow · 13/04/2020 00:29

I don't understand why you haven't applied yet for the order to change to eow (for him to see kids eow that is)?

Also please look into learned helplessness, based on your posts, you sound like a textbook example.

Learned helplessness is a state that occurs after a person has experienced a stressful situation repeatedly. They come to believe that they are unable to control or change the situation, so they do not try — even when opportunities for change become available

You have gone through a lot and have overcome a lot but you are currently trapped in a victim mentality, overrun with feelings of lack of control. You need to change your mentality, seize back the control of your life, and don't take no for an answer from the people that are meant to help you but are failing you (police, ss, cafcass etc). They won't fob you off with excuses if you don't let them do it. Yes it's easier said than done. But first step is to change your mindset. Keep telling yourself u can do it. Keep reminding yourself you are a strong woman that left that bastard ex, and if u did that u can do anything! Believe in yourself, don't stress about things in advance. If you can take an action to change whatever is stressing u, then take the action and don't stress. If there is nothing u can do then don't stress about it, cause we'll nothing can be done and stressing won't help.
If you can't afford legal help, then consider representing yourself. Don't make it easy for him to win. If he steps in your garden again ask once politely to get out, if he refuses call police. Don't do hangovers in person. If he refuses to return kids because u aren't there, again call police as he is in breach of order. Try to limit the amount ur son speaks on the phone to him. Put a time limit for example that he can speak to him (2hr a day or something). Let him take u to court and then say that talking all day on the phone while on lock down is affecting son negatively in terms of education and physical exercise. And son can talk to dad whanever he wants but within some limits. Can't see any judge saying that son being attached to a phone all day is
In sons best interests. Use the system to your advantage!
P. S. Sorry for sounding like every motivational quote out there Blush

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 13/04/2020 00:40

@Azadewow The courts are of the opinion that 50/50 is the default position. So even if I applied for him to only see them eow the courts would say no.

OP posts:
Azadewow · 13/04/2020 00:55

You don't know that for 100% sure. U can't know that for sure unless you try it. There are various arguments u can present about its benefits like less moving around during a pandemic. More bonding time for your son with baby (once it arrives). Document evidence that son always returns aggressive and distressed from his father's, and present it to court. Etc