To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

You still need to keep reporting it, it helps them build a case. Talk to women's aid and maybe look into the freedom project for help and support

Matter: PRIVATE - CHILD ARRANGEMENTS
Costs
Date Description Amount VAT
23/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
24/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
24/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
24/03/2020 Preparation – quality check of COI 17.50
23/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
23/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
23/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
23/03/2020 Attendance – Zoom meeting with Client 180.00
23/03/2020
Preparation – Preparing Court Application,
Research, Preparing C100; C1A; Draft Orders &
Witness Statement
660.00
24/03/2020 Letter Out - To Client 20.00
24/03/2020 Letter Out - To Other Side 20.00
24/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
24/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
24/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
24/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
24/03/2020 Email Out - To Court 20.00
24/03/2020 Email In - From Client 20.00
24/03/2020 Email In - From Court 20.00
24/03/2020 Telephone Call - To Client 40.00
24/03/2020 Telephone Call - To Client 80.00
24/03/2020 Telephone Call - To Court 20.00
24/03/2020 Telephone Call - To Court 20.00
24/03/2020 Telephone Call - From Court 20.00
24/03/2020 Preparation – Preparing COI 140.00
24/03/2020 Preparation - Preparing NOA & NOAIP, Finalising
Court Application 140.00
25/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
25/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
25/03/2020 Email Out - To Client 20.00
25/03/2020 Email Out - To Counsel 20.00
25/03/2020 Email In - From Client 20.00
25/03/2020 Email In - From Client 20.00
25/03/2020 Email In - From Client 20.00

25/03/2020 Email In - From Counsel 20.00
25/03/2020 Telephone Call - To Client 60.00
25/03/2020 Telephone Call - From Counsel 20.00
26/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
26/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
26/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
26/03/2020 Email Out - To Client 20.00
26/03/2020 Email Out - To Client 20.00
26/03/2020 Email Out - To Other Side 20.00
26/03/2020 Email Out - To Other Side 20.00
26/03/2020 Email Out - To Court 20.00
26/03/2020 Email Out - To Counsel 20.00
26/03/2020 Email In - From Client 20.00
26/03/2020 Email In - From Other Side 20.00
26/03/2020 Email In - From Other Side 20.00
26/03/2020 Telephone Call - To Client 40.00
26/03/2020 Telephone Call - To Client 40.00
26/03/2020 Telephone Call - To Third Party 60.00
26/03/2020 Telephone Call - To Third Party 20.00
26/03/2020 Telephone Call - From Third Party 20.00
26/03/2020 Preparation – Perusing Position Statement 20.00
26/03/2020 Preparation – Preparing brief to Counsel 60.00
26/03/2020 Preparation – Perusing F’s C100 & C1A 80.00
27/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
27/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
27/03/2020 Admin - Matter 0.00
27/03/2020 Email In - From Counsel 20.00
27/03/2020 Email In - From Counsel 20.00
27/03/2020 Telephone Call - To Client 60.00
27/03/2020 Telephone Call - From Counsel 20.00
27/03/2020 Telephone Call - From Counsel 40.00
27/03/2020
Preparation – Perusing CAFCASS Report
19.08.14, Perusing Client’s letter to CAFCASS
July/Aug 14, Perusing Court Order dated 27.09.16
120.00
27/03/2020 Preparation – Perusing Finalised Orders 20.00
29/03/2020 Email In - From Client 20.00
30/03/2020 Telephone Call - To Client 60.00
30/03/2020 Preparation – Perusing Counsels attendance note 40.00
Total Costs 2,557.50 511.50
Paid Disbursements
Unpaid Disbursements
Total Disbursements
Total VAT 511.50
Total 3,069.00
Plus amount outstanding from previous invoice/s: 0.00
Less monies held on account: 2160.00
GRAND TOTAL 909.00

Homophobia and racism in its self is a crime if you could record your son saying something of that context and ask him where he learnt that, I promise you that in itself will be enough for a restraining order.
I cannot believe from all of you’ve said this isn’t being taken seriously.
This is abuse - to you and the children.

@Tinyhumansurvivalist Thank you. I've done both of those 😊

@Scardot We did provide evidence of a text to son from his father referring to "Brighton Benders". He also told sons when they found a bracelet at his house left by previous owners who were Asian: "Now you've touched that you're going to get p* AIDS." My sons came home convinced they'd been infected. It disgusts me.

@rainminusbow it's not a one time deal as I understand, keep going back to them. You are about to bring a new child into this exceptionally toxic environment and you have a duty to protect all the children from your ex. I am not saying your aren't already, but you can guarantee once baby is here your ex is going to ramp it up even more and you need to prepare yourself for that.

Keep fighting him! He is a bully and bullies hate it when they realise their bullying no longer works.

Don't rise to his shit, refuse any unnecessary contact, deal on necessary facts only.

When he refuses to return your son, remind him of the court order and that he will be responsible for the police visiting.

When your son is vicious, distance yourself, tell him that whilst his father may allow that speak and behavior you don't and you expect an apology. Walk away. Don't shout, don't punish just state the fact and leave it.

When your ex kicks off, tell him you are not going to stand for him abusing you so will be terminating the call and then do it. Every single time.

It will be really hard, horrific in fact to begin with but you will feel better and you will start to see a change eventually.

If possible create a new email. Communication all goes through that. It will give you all the evidence you need. Legal Aid still exists in cases of domestic violence and mental abuse is now classed as such. So keep fighting!

@Tinyhumansurvivalist Thank you. The orginal 2014 Court Order requested the use of a Communication Book. I've purchased written in about five new ones and sent them home with kids. He simply removes them and they are not returned.

Yesterday I sent him a really open and child-centered email reiterating the fact that the boys need to be returned tomorrow as per the Court Order. He has just ignored it.

He used to follow me all of the time in his car just before and after I left him. I am scared he will try to hurt the baby somehow as he is FURIOUS I am pregnant. He tried to tell kids fiancé "was a paedo" and is now saying we don't feed them when they are here. He even pulled me up via son for shopping in Aldi and not Waitrose and said we were "effing socialists." I honestly couldn't make this stuff up!

Any other suggestions?
^
yes, you need to realise that you have some power. at no point you feel in control - even with a court order on your side, you feel powerless.

This feeing is NOT your fault, it is a result of abuse, but you need to address it and work to actively overcome it.

your 12 year old says horrific things, you feel you are powerless.

mum said cruel things to you when she was over, it made you feel small.

your exh mum says manipulative things to DS, you feel she is winning.

You suffer from horrific abuse, gaslighting, brainwashing and likely PTSD. I am so sorry all of this happened to you. It is cruel.

Authorities are letting you down (shocking and unfair. im angry at your behalf!) which reaffirms your believes of powerlessness.

I urge you to read up online as much as you can about gaslighting and power dynamics.

there was as excellent link from a pp about power dynamics:
www.alturtle.com/archives/172

Read the Divorcing sulking H - there are 5 threads on here, the poster found good ways to protect herself in communications.

Reach out to the pp who have been through similar, the wealth of advice and support here is brilliant. Pp gave excellent advise how to restrict communication. When suggestions sound impossible - reach out, ask questions

Im rooting for you, please find your inner strength.

Communication books don't work with narcissistic arse holes unfortunately.

As much as possible remove all emotion from contact with him. Don't preempt the non return of your son, all it does is play into his hands. Ignore it until it happens, then email him along the lines of "as you are aware the court order requires the return of the boys today. I am giving you until x o'clock to return then and will then consider it a refusal. as per the terms of the court order I will contact the police to report your breech of the order."

Ignore any ranting or raving he does. Do not accept his behaviour. If he calls, answer it, tell him you will be recording the call as evidence and do it. Whe he is abusive to you, repeat the mantra," I am not prepared to speak to you while you continue to be abusive. Either speak to be with respect or I will terminate the call" then do it every time. Answer his calls, remind him you are recording them for the protection of you both and then repeat that you will not stand for his abuse.

Don't show anger, frustration, tears... Nothing. Just stay as calm as possible, maybe write a few key sentences to roll out when it gets too much. But maintain the mantra, I am not accepting your abuse, I will terminate the call.

He will fucking hate that he isn't getting to you (even if he is) but you need to find the strength to take back the control my lovely.

This ^^ excellent advice

I will probably be slated but I have to say @RainMinusBow, I would let ds go.

He will be back, it won't ever be the same between you but it probably will be a relationship with difficulties regardless.

You need to look after yourself and your unborn child now. I appreciate he's only 12 and you can communicate how very much you love him and that he knows where you are etc. I wish you well x

@Guardsman18 But should I let an abuser keep hurting and controlling my son? And why should I lose him to an abuser when all I'm doing is acting in best interests?

Meant to add that you don't seem like you can take much more tbh and that is understandable.

@Guardsman18 But I do feel that my son in a minor (he's 12) and he needs to understand that this is actually NOT his choice. The judge ruled the Order must still be followed after hearing from all parties. If I let him stay with dad now that message is completely contradictory, it's saying he CAN say no and it will be just a slippery slope.

Don't get me wrong, if his dad was a decent father I'd be working on him to reach a compromise/solution to this. But he's a mentally unwell narcissist who is convinced he is above the law.

Because the abuser will always be an abuser; you have tried but can't beat the system.

His dad will always be in his life won't he? Don't get me wrong, if you can keep on going that's wonderful and I applaud you.

I think what I meant (apologies if it didn't sound like it) was that if the fighting over him stopped, he could come to you as and when rather than specific times. I think DS will want to see you.

Reading what you have posted - you are right. I assumed (wrongly, I see that now) that you were running out of energy and will.

Given that it is ordered by the court, you can say to DS that the choice is not his.

I can't imagine what you going through. If your eldest is that determined to stay with his father and it's causing you this much stress especially when pregnant I think I would let him stay. I would write down everything that's happened and also phone the police to advise he is breaking the order again just so everything is noted.

@Guardsman18 He wouldn't come to me at all because he has been told the baby will die if he does and he will be blamed for it. He has also been told we are putting him at risk from coronavirus. Examples exclude going put to buy food, having a district nurse in the house to remove OH's catheter, and OH going to pharmacy to collect his prescription.

Why can't people see this is abuse? Outight horrific abuse.

Would you be saying the same if his dad was hitting him?

I sometimes honestly wish I'd have stayed and been abused all of my life rather than have my kids suffer like this.

And why spend thousands on a Court Hearing just to give ex exactly what he wants? The Judge ruled the Order of 50/50 must be followed. Judge listened to all parties and made a legal ruling. By letting son stay with his dad I am effectively allowing ex to do what he wants and not comply with a legal ruling.

You have already beaten the system and the abuser Rain.

You left him.

You have won a court order.

Your son told you he didn’t want to live with his Dad.

Your son calmed down and you had a lovely time with him once he had got through the transition day.

You will do it again.

And again.

And again.

I don’t know why you emailed your XH reminding him of the court order?

All you needed to do is enjoy these days before anything has happened and then just call the police calmly if he doesn’t comply tomorrow.

As PP has said the courts have decided what’s best for your son. It’s not up for discussion and they have given you tools to use - so use it wisely.

You need to work really hard to stop the words of xMIL and xH spinning around in your head. YOU are torturing yourself here.

Each and everytime you need a coping/breathing/mindfulness method that works to bring down your anxiety.

The cortisol and adrenaline flooding your body from anxiety is not good for your daughter - do what’s best for her today. You can stop this with coping mechanisms.

How are you going to calmly and peacefully spend the next hour?

Beyond that you need to block all communications and interaction with you xH. You can block his number for the next 2 weeks that the boys are back with you. If there are any legal issues they go via email on to a file that are read only once a week.

Have loads of stuff to do with DS once he is home.

He needs you. He wants you. You have done a brilliant job with him.

@Gutterton I am terrified that when I call the police tomorrow they will say they can't do anything?

And ex will argue I am further distressing my son by keeping involving the police. Will Cafcass listen to that when he again tries to get more custody?

You are not involving the police. He is by not following the law of 50:50. Can you not tell your son this is the law the judge has given and you don't want to break the law?

@RainMinusBow I have no advice but I’ve just read your entire thread and just want to say I think you are so strong, so much stronger than you think. You’re doing your best and you’re an excellent mum - don’t let anyone take that from you.
Sending all the positive vibes and love your way. Sorry I can’t offer any advice 💐🌸