To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

@Gutterton Thank you so much for your support, I really appreciate it.

It's my son actually saying he isn't going to come home. But it's because he's spent yet another week being brainwashed and told it's not safe here. Ex will say he can't physically make son come to us which is true.

I'm trying to eat for the sake of the baby but it's hard.

Youngest son is also with his dad and is desperate to come home.

I grew up in a very very similar situation except my mother didn't fight for me (did my siblings however) as I was the oldest she simply decided to let me go... it's hard when you're being manipulated by a parent, someone who is supposed to care for you (I was manipulated by both parents though, a tool to find information and get at each other). Hang in there, don't forget to look after yourself and don't put yourself down. I wish my mother had cared about me like you care for your children. Luckily another family member intervened and I was finally raised in a loving household.

Things will get better. Once they're 18 (I know it's a long way away) you can delete, block and take out a restraining order

@EmotionalFlood Aw thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot because I do blame myself that my son doesn't want to come back here.

I mean his dad has a huge house, a hot tub, four bathrooms, four sports cars, a massive garden, treats galore and what do we have? A small rented three-bed with another baby on the way and a tiny garden!

My partner and I both work ft but not on great wages whereas ex is extremely wealthy (with an unemployed gf 18 years his junior) and can buy the kids literally anything they desire.

I love my fiancé to pieces and he loves me and we both love the kids sooooo much. But I can't help thinking this is simply not enough.

@RainMinusBow it doesn't feel enough now because of the pressures you're both under (you and DP) but you will get through it, there's always light at the end of the tunnel. My father was physically not just emotionally abusive and I lost count of the broken bones and bruises that no one took notice of (from 1yrs - 13yrs for context)... my past was traumatic, it's the reason I now do everything in my power to avoid all possible forms of confrontation. Even now, I flinch if my DP hugs me from behind and I didn't hear him coming. Our scars make us stronger, we just can't see it at the time! Just remember;

1. You're doing everything you can
2. This situation is NOT your fault
3. You're never alone (this is the hardest of all! Especially when you don't feel like you have anyone in RL)
4. Things will get better, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.. but you have to believe, after this storm there will be a beautiful rainbow to your future

@RainMinusBow I'm so sorry to read that you are going through this again. The advice from @Gutterton is sound. Try and focus on the nice things you can do to try and relax over this weekend.

Your children love you. He is being manipulated by that vile vile person. Through a child's eyes he is probably saying he wants to stay in order to protect you. Try not to feel the rejection too harshly. If it wasn't for the lies he is being fed, he wouldn't say these things.

Look after yourself and the little one on the way.

@EmotionalFlood your post made me really sad. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hope your finding your rainbow x

You're*

Keep strong, confident and factual. Re-Rafa this thread if you can to see what you have achieved. This is what I wrote on 28th:

*That’s such a beautiful update about your youngest and it proves what a beautiful, calm, loving, nurturing home that you have created for him with your fiancé. Your DS knows and feels this and his actions show that he has been starved of love, kindness and nurture at his dads.

The four cars, 5 bedrooms and hot tub won’t nourish his heart and soul. You live in the rich house.

You are v insightful to know that your 12 year old is parroting his dads evil words. But remember that he told you recently that he didn’t want to live at his dads. Don’t chase him just yet - he will come back soon by his own motivation.*

re-read

@RainMinusBow please don't leave your son with his vile father, I'm sure these are just words he being made to say, as you said when he returned home late time he was ok and even spoke about his little sister, he prob says it cos he dad is making him and standing over as he says or write the text and he prob feels it ok to say 1 because he scared but 2 he know his mum will do everything in her power to bring him home stay strong and stay positive

Listen to EmotionalFlood - this is tragic.

I also posted this on 31st:

“We've had a brilliant day today with eldest - no kick offs and just back to his lovely self. Yesterday he was threatening violence and really scary in his behaviours.

This is v positive and shows how your creation of a calm and peaceful home gives your DS respite.

DS behaviour is v traumatised. He has been radicalised and terrorised by his DF. It is like he has been in a violent war zone, effectively a violent terrorist training camp. It’s like he needs deescalating and de-radicalisation.

BUT

You and your lovely home environment have been able to turn him around in a day.
You should be proud that all of the love, comfort, structure and compassion that you have given him over the years is money in the emotional bank and is his “normal” so he can see the difference between his parents.

I hope that you can get some good support from the midwife / MH support today.

There must be a mechanism of collecting all of his abuse and bringing it to the police each any every time. Even if it will not go to court yet.”

I have read that the police expect DV to increase x3 during lockdown (as per Italy) and other crimes to decrease so are switching resourcing.

Ask your barrister / solicitor what to do.

But know that YOU have provided a wonderful loving protective home and that your DS is being abused as much if not more than you - but you will need to look at coping strategies for you first before helping anyone else.

No. Never. He's not better off without you. He's not making his decisions based on what he really wants. He's making his decisions based on the manipulations of his father. Based on fear, on losing his dad's love. Your boys are victims of abuse. Your DS needs to know you love him, that his father is wrong and he's safe with you. It's not in his best interests for you to let him go.

I remember being that child, except our mum only wanted us when it suited her. She did so much damage to us all and despite being a victim of her emotional abuse my dad never stopped fighting for us. It wasn't until I was older that I understood and was grateful for the fact our dad never gave up, was always there no matter how hard we pushed him away.

Can't bloody sleep again. I just know that on Monday eldest will refuse to come home. And then what do I do? I can't keep calling the police because of Court Order breach - I've done this already twice and (understandably) eldest hates it when I do.
I'm just wondering if it's in his best interests to give in to him and let him stsy? He was furious with me last time when he came back, his vitriol towards me was honestly scary. He was like a wild animal. And I've got baby to think about too.

No,you must keep calling the police and having him returned to you. The court saw what was happening and gave you that power,so please use it. The court, who are independent, saw what is happening and decided that it was best for him to be returned to sanity and the next time you are in court your ex will have to justify every time he did not comply with the court order. Please carry on enforcing the power that has been given to you.

@caringdenise009 Thank you, I will give them a call when he refuses to come home Monday. Thing is, I'm a bit reluctant because when I called last week, I spoke to a really nasty WPC which set my MH off even further.
Long story short, the Tuesday of the week he was back with us, son's granny called him (we recorded the call), and she spent half an hour saying some absolutely horrific things about me and encouraging him to keep "kicking off" because if he did he would be returned to his dad. She suggested letting the family dog out on to the main road to run in front of the cars so that he could escape.
He got off the call and ran up to my bedroom to find me-he was in a very heightened state and started picking things up and threatening to throw them at me. One of the things included one of my shoes with a heel which he was threatening to throw at my belly (he's asked in the past how he can "kill the baby but not me."
The WPC questioned why on earth I was calling, that it was my job to parent my 13 yo son and not theirs. I then went on to explain that I am 33 weeks' pregnant, my son was not currently mentally well at all, and that my OH has just had major spinal surgery and is currently catheterised so we needed some support (for the first time ever in my childrens' lives). She told me it was tough luck. I then asked speak to someone else and her relyply was "Well I'll make sure you go back to beginning of the queue then, just for them to tell you the same thing."
I felt so completely humiliated.
The next person I spoke to was luckily far more understanding and said she'd send out two officers ASAP. They were really great and the PC totally seemed to understand the coercive control that has been thrown upon us all over the past 6 years since I left my ex. They spoke to eldest, told him that although this is a very anxious time for us all it was not OK to behave in such a way, and he calmed eventually.
But of course when they left I got a whole load of abuse for calling the police again and he was straight back on the phone to his dad calling me every name under the sun.

Do not give you your baby for this evil man

Can you not move far away
Taking the kids with you

You are mixing up the two things.

Calling the police when your son is with you is not really in unless you are in some kind of imminent danger.

But calling the police to enforce a court order is within your rights.

I kind of understand why the wpc was ahirty with you, it sounded like "just" a parenting issue.

But if you are trying to enforce a court order this is a legal issue and the police can have some influence.

I don't know the law in the UK but in France if a parent refuses to return a child you can call the police. Even if the child is saying they don't want to go. Because the child is a minor and not capable of deciding in his own best interests.

Keep that in mind.

The court made a decision in your ds's best interests and you are just applying that.

From now in I would not get into any discussion of what he wants or what his dad wants, just apply the decision.

I have been in a difficult situation myself with an abusive parent and my kids are so much happier now they have seen in black and white what the judge decided and we stick to it rigorously- no exceptions.

That way the kids are not stuck in the middle of what mum says, what dad says, what mum wants, what granny wants...

@Lardlizard Oh how I've dreamed of moving away so we could have a life free of his abuse!

But despite all of this (and he treated me horifically during our marriage), the Courts went 50/50 in 2014.

He's now applied to the Courts that I just have them every other weekend. This would break me further. Also, it will mean that a parent who works ft on £13k pa and living in rented accommodation would be paying maintenance to a man who earns way in excess of £100k pa and lIves a life of luxury. More financial abuse as well as mental. He already receives CB for one son because even though he has to pay it back he'd rather take it from me.

@jamaisjedors I told my son it was the judge who decided. But my son's dad and granny have told my son that at 12 1/2 it's totally HIS decision who he wants to live with and that the judge was being "lazy" not listening to him. My son keeps saying I'm not listening to him.

And I disagree re why I called the police. It got to the point where I was so scared of my son I was fearful of going to sleep and he was threatening to throw things at my unborn baby.

So many times in the past he has told me he wants the baby to die. His dad told him the baby wasn't related to him(?!) so it was wrong of him to love "it" and that (his words) "it" would be "born a spastic" because I'm at 39 I'm an older mum.

Every time we buy something for our baby daughter eldest will find it, take a picture and send it to his dad, his dad is saying "That's money they are taking from you two boys. "

I can't keep calling the police because of Court Order breach - I've done this already twice and (understandably) eldest hates it when I do.
^
of course you can keep calling the police if there is a court order breach. you call them every week, on the dot, to enforce to court order if needs be.

You really need to find the strength to use the tool the court has given you.

you talk about your 12 year old like he is an equal, an adult, like you have to accept his decisions like he was mature.
Tough s**t if he doesn't want to come home, you are his mother and it is your job to minimise him being in an abusive environment - as in his dads home.

there was such a good idea from multible pp to get pictures of your ex home and wealth - have you done that?

@Tigersneeze The courts know about his wealth but they're not at all interested. I guess their argument is ateotd he is not paying any maintenance and neither am I. When we went to court apparently he was earning just 21k pa. Chartered Accountant and for some strange reason at that time his brother had 50% of the business. I don't have the money to go back to court to keep challenging it.

I have told son it's tough, but because of what he has been fed he is adamant it is his choice. His granny told him he has the "emotional capacity of an 18 yo." He sees me as forcing him to come home which he genuinely believes is making us all unsafe and he hates me for it.

Yes, have a termination.
Live at your ex’s beck and call and do anything you can to make his happiness a priority before your own.
Don’t push with ss and police and carry on 50:50 with ex encouraging the demise of your current children and their progressive racism and homophobic behaviour.
Act now! Before it’s to late as a mother you’re responsible for 2 (almost 3 humans).
You need to stand up for them for their sake. I’m so worried about your 2 sons.

You need to call the police and report the breech of the court order. You know damn well that is what your ex would do if your eldest refused to go to his house.

You need to stop being afraid of him, keep reporting it because it builds evidence. Report the mental abuse of your son to social services, when schools are back report it as a safeguarding issue to them and ask them to help support.

Please, you need to stand up for your children because by not doing so you are being complicit in the abuse. Keep fighting. The absolute worse thing you can do is give in. Whatever the outcome they need to see you have fought to your last breath for them.

@Scardot I've contacted schools, GP, Mental Health Hub, CAMHS, Early Help Team, school nurse, SS, and many, many other agencies.

SS repeatedly saying we don't meet threshold and nothing they can do.

Solicitor fees for one week alone to get the kids back for their time here cost just shy of £4k.

Any other suggestions?