To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

I agree with Busy he is also being constantly terrorised and abused by your X.

“He won't let me hug him. He won't let me anywhere near him. He says he f*ing hates me and wants to go back to dad. He is picking up things and threatening to throw them at me.”

This is incredibly difficult for you but remember that you are almost there. Your XH is trying to weaponise your children against you and your eldest is most damaged by this at the moment. Your XH is an abuser as is his mother by the sound of it. He therefore believes the children are his possessions to do with as he wishes and doesn’t care how much it hurts them. The application to change the custody arrangements will I’m sure be seen for the vindictive step it is - there is no reason for it. He is engaging in parental alienation. Speak to your barrister again. See what advice they can give.

Above all please follow the very good advice above about tricks for staying calm in this crisis. This incredibly difficult time will be behind you and you are nearly there.

Your son sounds desperate and it would be a good idea to involve his GP.

Point out that they are breaching a court order and you will take action if necessary.

I think your son needs to “lose” his phone x

I've overheard his father is trying to apply for another Court Order asap so yet more emotional trauma ahead. I'm 31 weeks' pregnant now and haven't got one second to even think about baby. Partner and I are emotionally spent.
We've had a brilliant day today with eldest - no kick offs and just back to his lovely self. Yesterday he was threatening violence and really scary in his behaviours.
It will all kick off again when kids back with their dad and due to return. I think he'll hang on to him again.
I can't begin to even contemplate losing my boys apart from EOW. The brainwashing and mental impact on us all is already indescribable.
This just feels like a never-ending nightmare and I don't know what to do for the best.

Your son sounds sad at being force by his dad to pass on his dad's hate of you moving forward.
There must be a way to show him that his dad's narsistic ways are not normal.
Can you explain somehow that it is not normal to hate someone like this, that your son can see you and DH are not like this, nor are his school friends parents .
That you know he is forced by the courts to be pushed from home to home, that it is not your choice.

You said the court order now has the power of arrest if he didn’t return them.
How are you getting on with getting a court order to stop him harassing you. If you get this he will have to back off (or go to jail) and you will have evidence for cafcass that he is abusive to you and the children. Get on to that today if you haven’t already.

You didn’t think you would get the boys back and you did. They are starting to see him for what he is. They are not going to give him residence.

I didn’t mean to sound harsh or bossy. You do need to take action because your poor son can’t take anymore and neither can you.

He knows you love him whatever happens but his dad’s love is conditional on him doing whatever he tells him to and that is why he is behaving the way he is. I would get the GP involved, you can have phone appointments.

All the messages you have saved can be used as evidence and you have enough evidence to get a non molestation order for domestic abuse. He knows he has lost a battle so he is trying to intimidate you more but it didn’t work last time so is less likely to again. I was in an abusive relationship too. I know the fear.

We've had a brilliant day today with eldest - no kick offs and just back to his lovely self. Yesterday he was threatening violence and really scary in his behaviours.

This is v positive and shows how your creation of a calm and peaceful home gives your DS respite.

DS behaviour is v traumatised. He has been radicalised and terrorised by his DF. It is like he has been in a violent war zone, effectively a violent terrorist training camp. It’s like he needs deescalating and de-radicalisation.

BUT

You and your lovely home environment have been able to turn him around in a day.
You should be proud that all of the love, comfort, structure and compassion that you have given him over the years is money in the emotional bank and is his “normal” so he can see the difference between his parents.

I hope that you can get some good support from the midwife / MH support today.

There must be a mechanism of collecting all of his abuse and bringing it to the police each any every time. Even if it will not go to court yet.

I have read that the police expect DV to increase x3 during lockdown (as per Italy) and other crimes to decrease so are switching resourcing.

Ask your barrister / solicitor what to do.

But know that YOU have provided a wonderful loving protective home and that your DS is being abused as much if not more than you - but you will need to look at coping strategies for you first before helping anyone else.

Apologies in advance as I haven’t read the whole thread but enough to feel desperately sad for you and your boys and fiancé.

In no way do you give in to this, ever

You BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK. As much as you can. You learn to IGNORE which is incredibly difficult BUT possible. You learn to be Strong for yourself and your precious family. And you learn to define and defend your Boundaries.

Read this as a guide in boundaries (several times!)
www.alturtle.com/archives/173

You Can Do This, OP.

By the way, the damage to your kids is not permanent and can be healed! It is happening yes but in no way is it there any lost causes here. You need to educate yourself, read & listen to talks on DBT and other therapies to improve your mental health short and long term on YouTube, there is tons of material free online and communities you can join without paying for any expensive therapists.

Do Not Give Up!!!

Read this also:
www.alturtle.com/archives/1029

Remember the Slave is also responsible for creating the Master. That is in no way meant as criticism. It is meant to help you drag yourself up out of Slave mode.

Provocative Conclusions

Bullies are people who have been repeatedly encouraged to act that way.Domestic Violence is often a result of the repeated collaboration of many slaves.Slaves over time create Masters, bullies, tyrants.Teaching Slaves is much more important than teaching Masters.“Perhaps we should be aggressivelly teaching the Victims also.” (This thought is really scary for me to share. Please be kind with me.)

By the way, when your kids tell you they hate you, you need to show them you understand. Try to validate their emotions. This will be EXHAUSTING for you but they will later thank you for it. Mirror them. “Ok. I hear that you hate me. I understand. It makes senses that you would hate me because of what you have heard about me, etc” (read up on DBT and the 6 levels of validation). Your child’s view IS valid right now to them. That doesn’t mean it isn’t painful to hear it!

You become their therapist and they learn that they feel good and safe with you. This will put them into conflict and gradually draw them away from him.

Good Luck ! This is not an overnight process but you can start today

Rainminusbow I hope that you have had a better day today and found some calm.

Orangers I have read your first link and it is amazing - thanks for sharing.

@Orangers I am calling a hard no on DV being the collaboration of victims and survivors. Please read the whole thread; this is a woman who has left, who has made repeated attempts to enlist support--that first link says police help enforce non-mol orders: this is repeatedly and predictably not the case. Also, our social structures often give women a choice between poverty and danger to their children (seeing an abuser alone) and staying in an abusive relationship. Blaming women for 'colluding' in their own abuse is unhelpful at best and misogynist at worst. If it helps YOU in your situation to believe that, that's fine, but I really, really don't think it is helpful for the OP right now who is doing the best she can in a horrible situation.

Just read your update you are being amazing and strong.

Op my heart is breaking for you. But in very glad that the bids are back with you.

Just an update and again it's not good news... eldest has been back with his dad all week as per the Court Order. However, he's messaged me tonight saying he doesn't want to come back on Monday when handover is, and that he wants to stay with his dad. He won't call me.
I know this is because of his dad's control and manipulation once again, but I feel bow I've got to a point where I just have to let hin go. I'm 33 weeks' now and just so completely exhausted with all of this.

I am so sorry that this has happened again but it was always going to happen. Can you see it as something that only requires an email action from you and is not some massive Herculean task?

As the court order means that someone else has to implement the consequences for breaking the law - so it’s just an email or phone call from you to the court / police?

Don’t let on that this is what you will do on Monday - he is telling you now because he probably won’t break it but just wants a toxic fight for 2 days.

Don’t give it to him. Don’t engage. Practice your breathing and coping strategies for the next 2 days and be ready to push the button on Monday IF he breaks the order.

Be careful what you reply to your DS - you don’t want to be seen to be agreeing to him staying.

Remember that your DS is being terrorised by this vile man. You have the law in your side now. Pass the responsibility over.

Keep calm and focused.

Don’t let xH steal your peace and cause stress for the next 2 days until you actually need to take action if he doesn’t do handover.

@Gutterton Thank you for your hekpful advice. I guess my question is what do I do on Monday when son refuses to come home?

Mentally I'm feeling so bloody unwell again.

Ex has told eldest it's not safe here because when he was with us:

1. District nurse came out to remove OH's catheter
2. OH went to pharmacy to collect his prescription
3. I'm having a home birth and this will mean a midwife in the house.

Ex has employed a personal shopper so he does not have to go the supermarket etc.

Don’t engage in, or respond to, any of the scaremongering details re nurse, MW, etc

That’s just all words and content to wind you up, goad and play with you - the battle is his ACTIONS - wait for that. I personally don’t know what the process is re the Court Order - but someone will be along soon who will know what to do.

Until Monday - build up your relaxing, golden moments. Then just push the button.

You have power. He is not above the law.

What nice things have you got planned for he next 48 hrs ?

@Gutterton Thank you so much. It's just impossible because I know come Monday morning eldest will simply refuse to come out of his dad's house.

It's honestly breaking me and I feel like such a total and utter failure as a mother. I've tried so hard but ultimately my boy doesn't want to be with me.

Am I best just to let him go?

You are a brilliant mother who is trying to save your son from a beast. He has been terrorised by this ogre. He was fine when he came back last time and truly values and needs the calm, loving and peaceful home you have created for him. You have never given up on your DS and you won’t now.

Where is your younger DS?

Don’t worry about Monday. I doubt your xH will break the order. He is just abusing you. If he was planning to not let him return he wouldn’t give you a heads up.

If he does take this action on Monday - he ready to call the police / court etc,

What lovely things have you got planned for the next 48 hrs? You need some distraction and joy and peace and rests xx