To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

That’s such a beautiful update about your youngest and it proves what a beautiful, calm, loving, nurturing home that you have created for him with your fiancé. Your DS knows and feels this and his actions show that he has been starved of love, kindness and nurture at his dads.

The four cars, 5 bedrooms and hot tub won’t nourish his heart and soul. You live in the rich house.

You are v insightful to know that your 12 year old is parroting his dads evil words. But remember that he told you recently that he didn’t want to live at his dads. Don’t chase him just yet - he will come back soon by his own motivation.

Try to keep xH poison from your home. Divert all texts, emails etc to a folder.
Don’t discuss him with the boys.

Prioritise peace, love and joy for you all.

@RainMinusBow You know that once he’s home you can ‘deprogramme’ him. He may kick off for a day or 2 but deep down he will be happy to be home with you all, in a calmer more stable home.

Could you talk to him about his dad and explain gently that he’s trying to put a wedge between you both so he can split the family up, with the sole purpose of hurting you? There may even be videos explaining narsasim to children. The poor kid, it’s so confusing for him and all caused by someone who’s supposed to love and protect him.

So next battle... ex is applying to the courts that I just see kids every other weekend, it's currently 50/50. Because of all that has gone on I know this may be a tricky battle to win? I genuinely don't think it's in best interests but has damage already been too great now?

EOW is usually given with also midweek overnight as well. Judges usually don't want to move from 50:50 anyway plus it denies your DS the opportunity to a build a relationship with the baby.

I think it will be seen as the malicious manoeuvre it is tbh. Seriously from 50:50 to 3 nights per fortnight????

Is the expectation then that YOU will pay HIM maintenance if he has them more?

Savour your victory for as long as you can.

What’s his rational for 50/50?

Agree it will be seen as a malicious manoeuvre?

@Gutterton Because of the extreme fear instilled and brainwashing from ex, eldest is now saying this is his wish. This is what scares me the most. Dad has a bigger house, I got pregnant against his wishes etc.

Son was on the phone to his paternal grandmother this afternoon and all she did was degrade me in a very serious way, saying I was a very selfish mother and should just allow sons to go with their dad for most of the time. She was extremely critical of me.

This is all about hurting me again but I'm so scared they'll take what my eldest says at face value.

Yes ex would ask me for maintenance. He is extremely wealthy whereas we both work ft on pretty much minimum wages. It don't know how I could afford it.

Well he wouldn't get much maintenance and he would then be liable for all the DS costs!

When Cafcass get involved you need to be brutally honest about the emotional abuse that has been going on to the DS that they need long term therapy.

You need to speak to the schools via email and alert them to what is going on.

@RandomMess But then Cafcass will say I am denigrating the ex?

Being honest with Cafcass and the schools is not the same as you telling the DC nasty untruths and emotionally abusing the DC.

You can say things in such a way as "my concern is that this is all parental alienation to make me suffer, he has been threatening to take the DS off me and make them hate me. The boys repeat things that sound like what the ex has said, it feels like they are being coached"

Is your son seeing a psychologist? I am sure they could ask for their independent opinion.

Was the GP talking to your younger child? If so and in your home you need to cut that call - it is abusive. Your DC can listen to that GP on your x H time.

@Gutterton Yes, my ex is paying for that privately. I did see him f2f a few months ago (paid for the privilege), and at that point he reassured me his anxiety was nothing to do with me or what I was or wasn't doing.

No, just eldest. It was quite distressing what she was saying and wholly inappropriate. Esp when son already in a heightened state. It even says in the order about not speaking badly of the other parent.

Son is currently cuddled up next to me on the sofa despite "hating" me this afternoon.

Next time tell her your recording it.
That way you can show the video.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, grandmother sounds awful. Your poor boy. I’m glad he’s home with you, bet he doesn’t snuggle up with his dad!

@Ogham Definitely not! It would be considered "weird" for a dad and son to snuggle. There was no physical affection shown at all to me during our marriage.

Emotially spent. Thinking of returning eldest to his dad. This is honestly destroying us. Son is in constant contact with his dad and gran who is doing nothing but condemn me horrendously and advising for him to do things like let dog escape onto main road so he can run away. Can't keep on. It will be the same when son due to return when he is back with his dad next.

Remove his phone?

In Court Order he can speak to dad anytime

Is he phoning his Dad or Dad phoning him?

You have had s lot of advice but I just wanted to share a trick I used when my brain was spinning out with abusive exh.

Start naming everything you can see.

So your brain is going "I'm going to lose my kids, my son hates me, this will never end

And you say (out loud or in your head) plant, curtains, rug, window, light, plant, rug...

Just keep naming the things yo yourself tol you calm down and break the obsessive cycle.

@RandomMess Son calling dad

Maybe suggest he needs some privacy for his calls and to take them in another room.

Then you don't have to hear them and you can protect yourself and your baby from this stress.

Rain You have won.

Your boy is home.

You achieved that.

You need to find some coping strategies to lower your stress levels because you are all physically safe. Breathe deeply.

Decide not to concern yourself with WORDS from GP & X.

Breathe deeply.

Hug your boy.
Smile.
Breathe deeply.

He won't let me hug him. He won't let me anywhere near him. He says he f*ing hates me and wants to go back to dad. He is picking up things and threatening to throw them at me.

OP- I am sorry you are going through this at the moment. However, please take this as an opportunity to take charge. Your son is clearly very unwell and you must do everything in your power to protect him. The behaviour you’ve described is extremely concerning. Please call his GP as soon as possible as this is a safeguarding matter. I’m not a psychologist, but your son is currently experiencing acute psychological distress and I would not be surprised if you require suThe behaviour you’ve described is extremely concerning. Please call his GP as soon as possible as this is a safeguarding matter. I’m not a psychologist, but your son is currently experiencing acute psychological distress and I would not be surprised if he requires urgent medical help.

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. Has he calmed down?

I don't know what I can say to help other than to remember that both you and he are victims but you are his mum and you love him, and he knows that deep down.