To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

Then you need to get to hospital.
I understand you're stressed but this catastrophising is getting ridiculous. If your unborn baby is at risk that's not your Ex's fault. It is your responsibility to sort that out.

You

Do not put him on the birth certificate then he will have no rights. Goodluck today op xxx

You know her Ex is not the baby's father right @Wannabangbang?

But even if OP did try to put the baby up for adoption he would be able tot stop it even if not on the birth certificate.

@bloomingwonderful I could be without my children indefinitely. This is the reality. Eating when I'm at such a level of fear is proving almost impossible although I'm trying. I'm not making the choice not to - I'm having to physically force myself and then trying to keep it down.

It is very unlikely to come to that unless he has more evidence than you've said.

The unborn child is your responsibility. So if you feel that she is at risk of actual death!!! Then what are you doing about it?

And if the baby does get through this and is born of course my OH could keep her if he wishes. It will just be sad her growing up without a mother because nobody stopped ten plus years of mental torture from a genuine psychopath.

@bloomingwonderful Spoke to mw. Been offered a phone call with MH Team on Tuesday.

Hi OP
Sorry to hear this.
Don't let your ex take away your joy of becoming a mum again. This is for you and your fiancé to enjoy not him.

He is obviously jealous. Stay positive and strong my love..

@jadey0885 Thank you. There simply isn't any joy without my other two children. They may never see their half-sister.

This is just awful to read OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have no advice but stay strong, you are doing great. Best of luck and congratulations on your wee girl

"They may never see their half-sister." you are catastrophising. Please try your hardest to stay in the moment and NOT outdrive your headlights.

"Been offered a phone call with MH Team on Tuesday." Good. You have been trying to deal with this on your own for too long.

REACH OUT. TELL YOUR STORY. Tell your headteacher. Tell the boys school.

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320844

You are in a v high state of complex PTSD due to his ongoing abuse.

You have cortisol and adrenaline flooding your body, your brain is on crazy loop mode and your heart is racing.

You can control physical sensations which in turn calm your brain by grounding yourself with breathing techniques. When you breathe deep and slow you reduce your heart rate, adrenaline and cortisol.

If you are breathing deeply and slowly you are doing great.

You know they serenity prayer, OP? About accepting things you cannot change, cottage to change what you can etc?

Originally it was written the other way around as:

"Give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from the other."

I think that way round is more helpful to you - too often there's an implicit focus on laying down and accepting things, whereas I think you need to realise that you have the power to change and fight more than you think.

I don't say this to kick you when you're down or make you feel like a failure - I want you to find your sense of power, pride and fight despite everything that you've suffered. It's understandable that you feel the way you do but you cannot lay down and accept this whole situation. Your little girl is, mercifully, nothing to do with your ex. What he would be happy about is utterly irrelevant. You MUST take control of her well-being because you are her mother and at this moment literally nobody else can. Eat. Drink. Take care of yourself. They are acts of defiance.

You'll find that so many people here and in your mental health team and all sorts of places will help to hold you up. YOU CAN DO THIS.

Will be thinking of you at 2pm.

@RainMinusBow and if you don't eat your boys may never get to meet there sister even if they are rerun back to you. This baby will be what brings you and your boys closer, when there little sister arrives they will want to love care and protect her this will be a bond for them. You need to look after yourself and your unborn daughter it heads but you need to find a way to don't let your ex break you completely your little girl will be your ray of sunshine

*Courage not cottage!

You have always fought for your boys.
You left.
You built a calm and peaceful home for them.
You have fought x in the courts for them.

You are doing that again today for them.

You are amazing xxx

These can help to manage the condition:

Acknowledging that unpleasant things happen: Life is full of challenges as well as good and bad days. Just because one day is bad does not mean all days will be bad.
Recognizing when thoughts are irrational: Catastrophizing often follows a distinct pattern. A person will start with a thought, such as “I am hurting today.” They will then expand on the thought with worry and anxiety, such as, “The pain is only going to get worse,” or “This hurting means I’ll never get better.” When a person learns to recognize these thoughts, they are better equipped to handle them.
Saying “stop!”: To cease the repetitive, catastrophic thoughts, a person may have to say out loud or in their head “stop!” or “no more!” These words can keep the stream of thoughts from continuing and help a person change the course of their thinking.
Thinking about another outcome: Instead of thinking about a negative outcome, consider a positive one or even a less-negative option.
Offering positive affirmations: When it comes to catastrophic thinking, a person has to believe in themselves and that they can overcome their tendency to fear the worst. They may wish to repeat a positive affirmation to themselves on a daily basis.
Practicing excellent self-care: Catastrophic thoughts are more likely to take over when a person is tired and stressed. Getting enough rest and engaging in stress-relieving techniques, such as exercise, meditation, and journaling, can all help a person feel better.

I just wanted to offer my support.

I have just RTFT and my heart goes out to you OP. I can tell that your boys are very much loved by you and your DD will be very much loved by you and your DP too. I wish you all the best in the remainder of your pregnancy and I hope that you can manage to keep some food down soon. Ask your midwife or GP if you can get Fortisip or Ensure drinks prescribed for easily digestible nutrition for you and your beautiful baby.

@RainMinusBow
I'll be praying for you hun. I wish you all the best.
I don't no your whole situation but I'm sure you are a fantastic mum and soon to be mum again.

Record everything- get evidence, then prosecute him for abuse.

The boys are coming home! My fiancé, myself and my barrister were all crying on the 'phone I honestly can't say how relieved I am feeling. Got a battle going forwards but for now I'm OK. Thank you ALL for your amazing support xxx

Fantastic news op! Please say your ex got a telling off, I really hope so. Very happy for you

@RainMinusBow Amazing! I am so happy for you.

Wow what wonderful, wonderful news.

YOU achieved this.

ANOTHER achievement - you are a warrior.

Take care of YOU now.

Get some rest, pace yourself.