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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

999 replies

RainMinusBow · 28/12/2019 12:53

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 25/03/2020 18:23

Aw thanks all. Yes, what he did to me during our marriage was horrendous. He left me homeless and penniless for six weeks to begin with and he also took one of my sons from me. And now it's happening again.

I do wonder if there's an element of PTSD aa a decade on I am still scared of certain things. For example, the other day my OH came up from behind me to give me a cuddle and I went into complete panic. I wonder if it's because ex used to follow me around the house breathing down my neck relentlessly that I had this reaction?

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 25/03/2020 20:46

@RainMinusBow - you are not alone.

You have a whole army of sisters and vipers behind you.

I really hope it is a comfort that we 'get you'. That we know it is him.

That we know it isn't your weakness, but your trauma.
That we can see how ground down you are.
That you are a good mother and love your boys.

But you are not down and OUT! Little steps, one day at a time. The judge of Friday is going to see through him.

What is your solicitor's strategy? Is the fact that he lives in a huge house and you scrape by, going to come up?
I would LOVE him to order a maintenance hearing ....

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 25/03/2020 21:45

@ScreamingLadySutch Aw thank you so much. Sadly not only does he abuse me and the boys psychologically, he also has financially.

For six months the boys and I slept in one bed until I could afford to buy them a bunk bed. As courts went 50/50 he wasn't required to pay maintenance and despite earning well in excess of over £100k was permitted to take away Child Benefit for one son. I increased my hours and privately rented a damp and mouldy two-bed for five years. I went without food and heating when the boys were with their dad.

We now rent a three-bed which is better now that I have a partner. We both work ft and earn around £35k joint income pa. Ex lives a life of total luxury with an unemployed gf 18 years his junior. Still obviously no maintenance and if he gets his way and has the kids more he will be asking for maintenance from me.

I had some savings from my divorce but now these are going on solicitor fees. £3000 over the past week. This will be more as the case continues. Using these savings will mean we will be renting, definitely for a very long time now, as we won't now be able to afford our own property.

OP posts:
Ogham · 26/03/2020 01:37

Hi RainMinusBow - you sound so beaten down and in such a difficult place emotionally. Please please don’t give up on your boys. They need their mom. Just because he’s a twisted psycho doesn’t mean he’ll get his own way. You are not defeated (you need to stop acting as if you are, as you’re putting those thoughts out to the universe - and I’m not trying to be harsh btw) and I wish you all the best in court.

I really agree with others about involving their schools and your employer. I’m sure they’ve seen it all before and they could be extremely useful. I find the more people I talk to about a situation, the more help and advise I get. Somebody may just be able to point you towards an amazing solicitor or an MP etc. Your priority right now are your boys, it’s obvious that you adore them so tell the world what you’re going through and you will find that people genuinely want to help. You are worth helping and your family is worth it. Be firm with your solicitor on what you want, and don’t be afraid to quiz them. Hold your head high in court and think positive thoughts. You have so much to offer your 2 boys and they need you. You have to get through this, and you will get through it. Things are very rough at the moment but look to the future, it will be brighter x

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 26/03/2020 05:53

Thanks all. I've got a call with a perinatal MH nurse in the morning as I spoke to my mw yesterday afternoon (she was brilliant), and clearly concerned.
My ex is now cleverly emailing me pretending he is a reasonable person and offering me indirect contact with the boys before our hearing. He is attempting to prove that indirect contact works so will be using this as a suggestion going forwards. Typical snide and crafty tactics once again.
Tomorrow will be a week and and half without my boys. The terrible thing is I don't know when/if I'll be with them again.
I almost feel guilty for being pregnant as he is using that as a reason as to why the boys cannot come home.

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 26/03/2020 10:40

PLEASE TELL about the bed and being homeless.

The rage and abuse that you are in a new relationship/pregnancy.

And, seriously? Get that picture of your marital home and the 4 cars. There is words, and then there is image of the reality.

ScreamingLadySutch · 26/03/2020 10:47

There are words ...

Dery · 27/03/2020 07:50

@RainMinusBow Good luck for your hearing today.

SEE123 · 27/03/2020 07:53

@rainminusbow Good luck at the hearing today. We are rooting for you 💐

GaaaaarlicBread · 27/03/2020 07:56

Good luck today OP 💜💜

Goldenmother · 27/03/2020 07:59

@RainMinusBow Good luck today I hope your being your boys home

Romanticrights · 27/03/2020 08:12

Good luck today, thinking about you Thanks

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 27/03/2020 10:08

Aw thanks all. Hearing at 2 pm via telephone. My barrister is representing me so I don't need to be present.

My biggest fear now is if the kids remain with ex that he will end up taking my unborn baby away from me too as I'm not able to eat right now.

He's now claiming neglect of my kids and asking to go from 50/50 to every other weekend.

He has made false accusations of abuse that under normal circumstances would be entirely hilarious, but under these circumstances are just plain cruel.

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 27/03/2020 10:21

One day you will get to the point where he is just blah blah blah.

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

YOU WILL devour this elephant of abuse by:

document, document, document.
Remember incidents and write them down
INVOLVE YOUR HEAD TEACHER AND THE BOYS SCHOOL

don't give up OP

did you check your barrister is experienced in coercive control and emotional abuse? Remember we told you to check your solicitor, that includes him.

Get some Ensure or other nutritional shake, mix it with real ice cream (milk and egg yolks) to help up your calorie intake and get protein and vitamins into you.

Even a table spoon at a time helps xxx

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/03/2020 10:21

"He has made false accusations of abuse that under normal circumstances would be entirely hilarious, but under these circumstances are just plain cruel."

Hopefully he has overreached himself

bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 10:34

Again. While understandable you are catastrophising and that is not helping your mental health.
The midwife told you that the baby will take what she needs from you.
Sips of water all throughout the day.
Nibble toast a little at a time.

I can't remember if I read but have you been to the GP?

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/03/2020 10:37

See if you can listen to this to just take your mind off it

to have it CONFIRMED to you that you are not alone

that its him, not you.

anappleadaykeeps · 27/03/2020 10:40

Good luck for later today. My heart goes out to you, having read your thread.

Candyfloss99 · 27/03/2020 10:45

Think of your poor fiance. If you can't cope with your ex and the future child then let your fiance look after his child instead of putting it up for adoption.

Flower1309 · 27/03/2020 10:46

Good luck for today, I hope they see through his bullshit. And just to add he can't take your unborn baby. It's not his, he has no parental rights to your baby.

blackcat86 · 27/03/2020 10:50

You know your ex cant take your unborn baby. It's great you're access midwife support. Try to separate those understandable but irrational fears from the real risks of your ex. Let your barrister fight for you today giving you all the info they need. I meant to comment the other day but didnt - try to keep positive even if you dont really feel it. Your ex will let the mask slip with your boys more and more now they are spending more time there. Be the relaxed, supportive and caring environment they want to come home to when the novelty of dad has worn off (and it will. Narc always reveal themselves).

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 27/03/2020 10:52

@Flower1309 Thank you. I mean ex will end up causing her to die as my MH will be so badly affected. He would absolutely love for this to happen.

OP posts:
bloomingwonderful · 27/03/2020 10:53

But logically. You know this will not happen.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 27/03/2020 11:00

@bloomingwonderful It may, as I can no longer eat.

OP posts:
MrsAJ27 · 27/03/2020 11:03

You need to eat and look after yourself for your unborn baby and your boys!

Hope you get your boys back today