To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

Have you asked your solicitor if they are versed in personality disorder, psychopathy and emotional abuse? You must do this. Even though you have been ground down to dust, please raise your voice this week.

I was very lucky. My lawyer was. SHE was the one who told me I was being abused.

“Have you asked your solicitor if they are versed in personality disorder, psychopathy and emotional abuse? You must do this. Even though you have been ground down to dust, please raise your voice this week.”

This.

What you’ve endured is beyond imagining and it’s so unfortunate that your current partner can’t offer more support. But your DC, your coming baby and you yourself need you to stay strong for just a bit longer. There will come a time when you are looking back on this rather than having to fight it.

Friday will come soon enough and it gives you a bit longer to prepare. Although courts like documents, your words are also evidence. It is becoming increasingly known that many abusers can present very plausibly to the outside world and your judge will hopefully be alive to this.

I am still available to help you prepare a witness statement on the abuse - or even just a document in which you order your thoughts - if that would help you. Just let me know.

@RainMinusBow Just adding your name so you will hopefully see my message above shortly.

Hope you are ok OP

I've been on mumsnet many many years and this has to be the worst thread I've ever read.

Please please tell somebody, GP, midwife, the school, anyone how you are feeling right now. This needs to stop, for you children's sake, for your sake, for your unborn babies sake, for your poorly fiance's sake.

I rarely post on these threads but I'm genuinely worried about you. I wish I could do something to help

Mediation has been bypassed - my solicitor listed domestic abuse as reason why.

My eldest told me today he didn't want to speak to me because I'm getting upset on the phone and he prefers to be with his dad so I guess that's sorted. My youngest won't be separated from his brother so I've lost him too. I guess I just have to accept that the brainwashing from my ex has been successful and I won't see my children again. It's not the first time he has taken them.

My partner is trying to help as much as he can but is in recovery from emergency spinal surgery and struggling with a catheter. He doesn't know if bladder function will return at this point.

I tried a sausage roll yesterday but threw it back up. So far today I've managed to keep down an apple so at least I've had something.

Thank you to all of you for your support and concern at this time.

"he didn't want to speak to me because I'm getting upset on the phone and he prefers to be with his dad so I guess that's sorted. My youngest won't be separated from his brother so I've lost him too."

DON'T GIVE UP OP secretly they feel safer with you and are longing for you to save them.

Just know this truth in the marrow of your bones!

" I'm getting upset on the phone" I know this one. They are trying to manage their own feelings and they simply cannot deal with yours. YOU MUST KEEP IT TOGETHER when you deal with your children. This is NOT an option @RainMinusBow you must stay calm, and matter of factly start telling the truth to your children.

Its not trashing him but it is giving age appropriate information. "Your father is angry because we are not a family any more and he doesn't want anyone to be happy. But I have to stand up to him and not let him be so cruel" - truth.

I got told 'they get to see him for themselves in the end'

and I promise you, they do

Please take the picture of his big house and 4 cars in the drive and a picture of your financials. Says 1,000 words

"Your father is angry because we are not a family any more and he doesn't want anyone to be happy. But I have to stand up to him and not let him be so cruel"

Do not involve the children in adult matters.

Keep light and happy on the phone. If you are getting upset then they are not going to want to talk.

Did you do anything fun today?
What did you eat?
Watch anything good on TV?

I saw a massive bee in the garden it was so cool.

Keep the topics unemotional and pleasant.

You are right Swing

I know - he has scared them. He has told them that if they come to me the baby will die and I will never forgive my son and will blame him. Also that nanny will die (she was diagnosed with cancer two years ago at 62 but is all clear).

I'm breaking at the thought of him winning this. Why won't someone make the abuse of both my children and myself stop?

You cannot put the baby up for adoption bcause your ex will use it as a stick to beat you and tell the ds's that if they live with you they could be "given away" too.
Try and stay strong and look after yourself and your OH for the moment

I just wanted to add some bracing support. You haven't lost your boys at all. You have a court hearing on Friday. That's the day after tomorrow so it's incredibly close. You've taken steps to get them back despite not having all the answers about payment and so on - you've been so proactive and prioritised exactly right. I wouldn't usually say this but you can sort out payment/paying off any borrowing later - it's a way down the to do list at the moment.

Your little girl is still with you and can never, ever be taken by your ex husband. That's wonderful.

If I were there I'd make you a sandwich and a cup of tea. It's so important that you keep your strength up physically to give you the best chance mentally.

If your boys were with you when you were feeling awful, you'd still make them breakfast, lunch and dinner. Can you coax yourself into eating by reframing it as feeding your child? That's not a guilt thing (babies are great at taking what they need from your body even if you're taking to replenish your stocks for yourself) but I really hope it spurs you on.

Focus and prepare for the court hearing, OP, it's a big chance. I know it feels like you've been running a marathon for ages but this is a short sprint - dig deep.

Once you have your boys back, or you are talking to them on the phone, do consider involving them with the baby. Allow them to be pleased and excited. Say “I don’t know why your Dad says I will ignore you when she arrives. Silly Dad got it wrong. I can’t wait for her to meet you. You are going to be such lovely brothers for her, she’s so lucky.”

Take it slowly. Move away from the material stuff. Speculate on what sort of a person / baby she will be. Might she be shy or noisy? What do they think they will teach her? Will she like the things DS1 does or DS2?

Get to a point where you can talk about what she might be named. Offer them a say in her name or let them choose a middle name. Make them love her before she’s here. Babies are magical and amazing and they will fall in love with her if given the space and chance to do so.

Can you do the Freedom Programme? They do an online programme, that might help you feel stronger to deal with this.

The centre for women’s justice might be able to help too. www.centreforwomensjustice.org.uk/

Just had my mother round telling me that when she's dead I'll regret putting her through this stress and that she wishes she'd never had me. Also she's having a go saying why can't I hang my washing out and get the ironing done or mow the lawn? She's fussing in my garden so I've come upstairs.

@RainMinusBow hey I just saw about the Cath
Is it going up the urethra via penis or suprapubic
Is it easy to get out
Can he have it out and have a trial?
Sending stregnthxxx

Politely (or not) tell your mother to please go home as no one is meant to have family visiting anyway. Don’t take her words to heart OP, she’s the least of your worries right now. Send her home and concentrate on gathering yourself for Friday

@EstellaHanclay She's gone. She had a go at me for as she sees it "coping badly" and that I "need to grow up". I politely said that she doesn't really understand the pain of being without your two young children but she said "Well you don't know that, I could be feeling worse because they are my grandchildren."

Sending love @rainminusbow . My heart breaks for you, this is one of the saddest threads I've read on here. I'm so sorry you don't have the love and support you need and that you are enduring the pain of being separated from your sons. It must be torture, I cannot imagine.

One day your boys will be grown and they will see what their dad has done. The damage and the lies, they will realise one day.

Sending love and strength, above posters have given you amazing advice, I hope it helps you

Rain I also have been on MN for decades and this is one of the worst threads I have ever read.

You have been emotionally beaten to a pulp by your x - I think that you are living with complex PTSD - this needs treating urgently.

You have been let down by the system repeatedly - but you are going back in again and I hope that you have hope that this time it will be different.

You must have lived a shocking life with your x but YOU got you and your boys out. That was an amazing achievement which I bet at times you didn’t think possible. But YOU achieved that.

Know that we are all here for you 24/7.

Concentrate on finding peace and calm to get you through the next 48 hours, hour by hour.

Can you get out and walk?
Can you take a warm bath?
Can you paint your nails?
Can you sip some water?
Nibble some fruit?
Lie down with a meditation/music?

@RainMinusBow

Beautiful advice from @HelloYouTwo.

So sorry to read about your DM (leaving aside that she shouldn’t be visiting) - it’s beyond me that she can’t support you in this but has to make it about herself.

Keep heart! Your DCs may well be saying what their father wants them to say because they’re with him. They might not want to offend him by saying they want to come home. So don’t take their words at face value.

The government has clarified that children can travel between parental households despite the lockdown so there is no basis for your XH to keep them away.

Good luck for Friday.

Beautiful advice from @Gutterton also.

@rainminusbow you said earlier that you had money stashed away from the separation.
Honestly, spend every penny of it on a good solicitor/barrister/whoever it takes to help you.
I know you keep saying you cant afford it, but if you have money stashed away in the hope you can buy a house one day, bugger that, use it! Get free of this 'man' and start to live again.
I was dragged up in a small house, no money, no prospects, but i was loved and cherished and never cared that I could not go skiing with school, or that we lived in a council house, not a private posh one. I was loved. And i felt loved. Even when I hated my mum, I felt loved.

Just get everyone away from this arse.