To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

Keep fighting back op, I'm
So happy your son called, what a huge boost. Massive congratulations on having a baby daughter , your sons will dote on her I'm sure. She , your partner and your sons are worth fighting this fight.
You will win xx

And definitely stick to what you said about not replying unless it's urgent. I think that's critical to making him back off x

Coercive control is a crime OP. Report report report. And congratulations

Lovely news about your baby girl

I hope things will continue to get better

OP, I know you feel defeated and in a corner but please fight for your sons, and now your daughter.
Tell ex you will only communicate via email, keep all emails.
Tell your midwife, your GP what is going on and how it's affecting you.
Tell your ds's GP, schools, eldest's psychologist, what's going on and how it's affecting them.
Invest in cameras for your doors that record footage.
Call the police every time ex oversteps the mark. If there's 'nothing we can do' that's that but it'll be on record and if you keep a log of everything with emails/ screenshots you get a bigger picture, next time he does it you have more evidence. And more the time after.
Don't live your life in fear of him making allegations against you- tell your employer what's going on. The more he does it with everything unfounded the worse it looks on HIM, tell the head in confidence. I know that's very difficult but sitting back isn't getting you anywhere currently.
Lovebomb your sons, tell them how much you love them and that you'll always love them/ be there from them but do not tolerate abusive or nasty words or actions towards you or your baby/ partner.
You can self represent in family court- gather evidence. You may not feel strong enough now but the time may well come when you do and you won't be starting from scratch if you do.
Do you have any family members who can do handovers for a while?
Call SS again, ask to meet with the duty SW.
Tell the midwife, GP's, school AGAIN next time there's an abusive incident.
Stay here, keep posting. If you have close friends/ family tell them everything. This is nothing to be ashamed of.

Congratulations, it's so lovely to read your positive update!

You can do this

Hi all

As you can see from the time, I'm not sleeping. My anxiety appears to be back with avengeance. That's the thing with having suffered years of abuse - the impact it has is longstanding and devastating.

I was soooooooo happy when I found out we were having a little girl - for all of about five minutes I forgot everything else going on in my life. It felt like a relief. My fiancé said he'd never seen me so bright.

But since I've started to let myself bond with her, talk to her, my anxiety has started to get bad again. I guess because of what my ex did with our little boys I'm scared if Iet myself Iove her then it will be all the more traumatic if I lose her.

Last night she was quite quiet when she's normally been active and I convinced myself that there was something seriously wrong. I feel like this a lot. I worry about her dying in childbirth or something awful happening to me. I have the constant fear that something terrible is going to happen to the boys or my fiancé.

I can't sleep - nightmares are horrendous. How I've got through work this week I don't know. I have no idea how on earth we are going to manage financially when I'm on mat leave as ex doesn't pay me a penny for the two boys and is continuing to refuse to pay half of fees etc.

Can't get a mortgage so still renting six years on from divorce - rent alone is £900 pm for our little 3-bed and joint income will drop to £1900 when on mat leave. Meanwhile, ex is loving life in his huge house (still in marital property) with four bathrooms and four cars on the drive. He's currently having a hot tub installed and also extending the already huge kitchen.

He emailed me tonight telling me he's taking the boys to France in summer. That means he has passports now which I know he won't share (not that we'll ever be able to afford a holiday anyway, not least one abroad!)

Why can't I ever feel happy or at least safe?

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, I wish I could help as it sounds truly horrendous. I also teach and it's a hard enough job while being pregnant without all the extra stress. Congratulations on finding out you're having a girl xx

OP this thread is heartbreaking. I’ve been through a small amount of what you’ve been through and it’s tough, so tough.
What I did find though, when I had my DD2 (that my horrendous, abusive, vile) ex had already poisoned DD1 against...was that DD1 suddenly became very protective of her little sister. It was like that bond had appeared suddenly and she wouldn’t have a bad word said about me or her sister by her father.
I’m hoping that’ll be the same for you...big brothers can be extremely protective of their little sisters (I have 2 DB and sometimes I felt like I had 3 dads!) Hopefully when your little girl is born, your DS will feel that way too.
All I can do is send you a handhold and hope that this all works out for you. To be pregnant, working as a teacher and going through all of this at the same time, shows your strength of character.

Best wishes to you and your family OP 💐

You have had some good advice here.
Just a thought, but I think it is very important that your partner reports any incidents that take place on or near your property.
If neighbours are disturbed maybe they would report too.

I'm sorry you've been so let down by services OP. Its shocking what your ex has been able to do. However, it feels like your life is turning a corner and you're catching a glimpse of better days to come. Dont pay the total sum of the music lessons or whatever else. Call up the school and pay half directly to them whilst reminding them that ex has 50:50 and is responsible for the rest. If he doesn't pay they can chase him and he can explain why he wont pay for his child with his big important job (which he wont want to do because it will confirm what a shit dad he is, or he'll refuse and then if you go back to the court the school can confirm this). There is an amazing thread on her 'divorcing sulking H' which whilst different to your own circumstances does show the powerful effects of grey rock and using separate coms for the abusive ex. He wants to take the kids on holiday, fine and lovely. Ignore anything else unless you think he's planning to abduct them you dont to worry yourself with the 'opportunities' he can provide for DCs. They are scared of him and this will be their biggest memory when they are old enough to go NC. He can buy a fucking jet but it wont undo the abuse.

I second the advice to read the " divorcing sulking H" threads.

Thanks all, you are all so very kind and supportive here.

I've been up all night with my anxiety; this time about how we're going to manage financially. We are both low earners even though we work ft.

I've had comments of "Well why have a baby?" but as you all can see, the situation is not that simple. My life never used to be like this - but years of continued financial abuse/control have meant we're where we are. I would literally go without food for my children - I have done in the past.

Why has the marital home never been sold and a financial settlement agreed ?

@star81
Very good question!

I still struggle to talk about what he did and yet again the courts let me down.

I got up one morning and simply couldn't take it any more. He went to push me down a little flight of stairs we had in our house. I remember his hand on my shoulder and almost passing out with sheer terror as it lead to the main flight. I just about managed to grab the handrail.

I went to my mum's after seeking legal advice and within five hours he'd changed the locks and taken one of my sons. Didn't know where he was for a whole week.

To this day I haven't been allowed back in the house and have never had one possession returned. The thing that kills me the most is that I have no baby photos.

In court he lied about his actual income (Chartered Accountant) because he was self-employed and knew all of the tricks eg using his brother as a "business partner" with majority shares. As soon as divorce finalised his income magically went up a huge amount. Hence the four cars, hot tub, extensions, holidays etc. It may also explain his unemployed 26 yo gf but who am I to judge?!!

His argument was that he should remain in family home as I had "left" and also because he has kids 50:50. Joke is, so do I, but that went by-the-by!!

I did get a settlement but nowhere near enough to get a mortgage outright. It's currently in savings for when we can if our salaries ever go up (unlikely) and we are able.

You’ve been through so much. Only a few more years and he will be out of your life forever. Enjoy your new baby x

You have had such a hard time, dont let him spoil the joy of having your baby girl
Congratulations.xx

Thanks all. I've gone out on my own for a coffee as my OH is struggling to see me unhappy and just wants to be pleased about the baby. Just that I honestly don't know what to do for the best. Winning the lottery would help but wouldn't solve everything!

You're doing great, try to keep looking after yourself. Can the GP give you anything for anxiety & sleep?

Just wanted to share with you all how proud I am of my sons (especially because I'm missing the boys like mad this week ).

The eldest called me up to ask me if everything was well at the scan and asked if I knew what I was having. I was a bit scared to tell him a girl as he's so used to bring around boys, but his reply was "Aw that's cool. I didn't mind what you were having, the main thing is she's all OK". I was very tearful! My younger lad also said "Good news about the baby, Mummy!"

They have given me such strength and I'm super proud of them both

That’s wonderful OP. It looks like things are finally turning a corner. Your oldest is starting to see the baby as a real sibling now and learning that he’s having a sister is probably quite exciting for him. Just be aware that his poisonous father will double down, but remember that he’s likely to push it too far and your oldest will turn against him. Just keep loving your boys.

Take it one day at a time op. The fact that your boys asked so positively about the baby shows how much they care, its just that they are also victims of this monster.
Your ex is literally burning in vile because you are moving on with your life. Do not give him power over your family. He can have all the material wealth but he is a poor person because he is so obsessed with trying to ruin your life. Trust me, your DC know deep down how horrid he is but are just children so they feel powerless.
Just one step at a time. X

How are things op, hope your doing ok? x

Hope you and your children are safe.

How are things @RainMinusBow