To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

Tell them to ask their father to pay as its 50/50. I think if the boys show you anymore disrespect they should go and live with their dad. I know it's hard but you cannot keep suffering like this. Its your house, your rules. I would have serious concerns about the baby's safety if your ex has such control of the boys.

Have this baby and allow yourself time to be happy.

If more any texts from ex that are abusive. Do not respond.

Block mobiles being called from the landline or get a plan with mobiles included. The boys should have their own phones to contact their dad on. Take your power back and move on with your life.

Document everything. Keep all the abusive texts and get a non molestation order.

Next time he is on your property banging on the door causing a scene, video it on your phone and call the police 999 immediately.

How are you doing today? Sending love x

Thinking of you op. How are you doing? x

I have been thinking of you daily OP. How are you?

Aw thank you everyone, I'm truly touched you've come back to ask how I am. Just took a few days away in order to try and clear my head but now finding my feet again.

My ex continued to send me messages of control last week; the latest one telling me not only did I have to pay in full for x, but also for y. It continued to really bring me down.

But I listened to advice on here and told him in no uncertain terms to stop messaging me on my mobile, and, unless genuinely urgent, that I would be ignoring any further messages making demands of me etc.

As per the Court Agreement, I also reinstated the Communication Book. We had one initially but once again he became very controlling and bullish in it. I attached a photocopy of the Court Agreement which clearly states it must not be used for making demands of the other parent etc.

I hope this helps things, time will tell.

I had my 20-week scan today and all was well. I was incredibly scared because, as you can probably imagine, his abuse has left me with pretty severe anxiety issues (not helped here by a history of recurrent miscarriage).

I can't quite believe it after being convinced I was having a third boy - it's a little girl! I am still a bit nervous about allowing myself to bond with her but seeing her today has helped. My eldest called me this evening to ask how the scan had gone and when we told him they were having a little sister he said he didn't mind as long as everything was OK. I was pleasantly surprised by this - I just hope his dad isn't too unkind this week as they're back with him.

Congratulations RainMinusBow, a precious little girl.
Keep going strong, we are all here for you when you vent or when you need advice or a shoulder.

Great start by reinstating the communication book

Well done RainMinusBow on getting a bit of headspace and disengaging from your ex’s toxic ways. It sounds like a positive few days for you all. Just keep going and do whatever you can manage each day in terms of defending your boundaries and taking positive steps.

Congratulations on your wee girl - lovely news for you.

I’m so pleased for you.

Is there any way you could get another phone and give him the number and use it just for him? That way he wouldn’t have a constant means of contacting you. You would only be paying attention to it when your boys were with him.

Well done
Keep taking these small
Steps to
Defends yourself

Congratulations RainMinusBow on your strength and your little girl. I had really bad anxiety through my first pregnancy, which of course made me worried for its effect on the pregnancy and DC. Both were fine.

I think PPs idea of a second number, ie use current number for him and get a new number for everyone else is good if you can afford it. Then unless he has the boys you can ignore him completely. And if he has them only reply if it's an emergency.

Congratulations on your baby girl.

Well done for standing up to him and insisting on the communication book. Hopefully that will give you some breathing space. Keep all the messages as evidence.

Lovely news. The start of a new chapter. A better one op. You are doing great.

Well done x

It’s brilliant that you’re starting to fight back for your sake and the sake if your boys. Just be aware that he will try to use the fact that you’re expecting a girl, as ammunition, with the boys. It might be a case of, “she only Eve wanted a daughter, so she won’t want you” etc. Please don’t give up on your son. Now is the time to really get him involved and push the fact that you feel so lucky to to have boys and a girl. That you feel positively spoilt having both. You need to start to get them to feel like big brothers that will have a lucky wee sister.

...only ever wanted....

Congratulations Rain on your baby girl.

I think you need to love bomb your boys. Get them involved in baby matters, tell them how proud you are of them, how they'll be good big brothers.

I see a fire is starting to be lit in your belly. You are strong, you left this asshole! You picked yourself up again, found a better love and have another baby who is going to be loved by you all.

You can do it Mama! But you really really need to dig deep and change your thought behaviour. Forget him for a second he's an abusive man and you can't change him into anything better. But you can change the way you react to him.

The abortion/adoption idea is definitely you catastrophising. You are having an awful time I have no doubt but you are thinking extremes and you will make yourself ill with this thought pattern. Not a real Mum also is extreme thinking too!

I think CBT could do wonders for you if you can access that?

Write on a big piece of paper what things you have in your life that make you happy. Your children, your fiancé, the home you've made together? Your job?

Then write how each of your children and fiancé make you feel and stick it in your bedroom somewhere where you can see it each morning.

Another thing my CBT therapist taught me to do (which I love!) Is called "Faking it til you make it"
Be confident with everyone like confidence seeps through your pores. I know it's difficult but you really need to dig deep, this isn't easy but it's extremely worth it!
Shoulders relaxed, back straight and eye contact. No explanations or compromised with your ex just to the point sentences.

Let your ex and especially your boys know that their behaviour is unacceptable too. "XYZ is unacceptable behaviour and it won't be tolerated in this house. We are kind and considerate of others"

Good luck on your journey to happiness OP

I am so delighted to read your news. So great to see you put some space and a barrier between you and your ex and what a lovely bit news about your pregnancy. I am sure there will still be many highs and lows along the way, but look at how many women are standing with you and willing you to succeed xxx

I don’t understand why you are not getting help. A friend of mine got a non molestation order in similar circumstances with no violence. Somehow you need to have no contact block his number and emails .Tell the children why and let them have contact if you can’t avoid it but if he tries passing messages or threats tell them you won’t listen . I am not sure how you can stop contact but I understood you might get legal aid if you can prove threats have been made ?

My ex was a bastard like this except he lost any rights to DD via SS when he put her in physical danger (long horrific story) 2 year later it came out he'd physically abused her.

1 year later when he turned up our new house we'd moved to for my DD's safety he pushed DH one time too many times so DH just flogged him.

Obviously he called the police but they could see all his past abuse/stalking/threats and just said if Ex pressed charges we would be doing the same for harassment. No charges or further visits from police or bastard ex since funnily.

Not recommending this by the way just showing things can get better. Have a massive hug if you haven't been there it's hard to understand the desperation.

Congratulations. Didn't see the thread first time around but am so pleased you're continuing with the pregnancy.

Congratulations on your little girl! Lovely lovely news and well done on fighting that bar-steward back!!!
Let us know how you get on. Warrior mama !

Congratulations!

So nice to read a positive update. Congratulations!

Congratulations, it’s nice to hear your update, happy your fighting back, you sound so much stronger.

Wow, this was a hard read. I’m so angry for you OP. Not just with your shit stain of an ex, but the state of this country’s laws and support mechanisms meaning you are being left to fend him off totally alone.

I wish I could do something material to help you. Please remember you have already beaten this fucker. You left. He is never getting you back. And as long as you’re willing to defend yourself and your sons, he’ll never win this vile game he’s playing with you all.
It’s maybe seemingly not a lot to hold on to, but honestly your dignity and bravery in the face of this monster is not something to take for granted.
You and your fiancé are going to become parents to a gorgeous little girl. Your future is bright. Keep making sure your sons know you love them, keep telling them what the ex says isn’t true, kind or acceptable.
And keep reporting everything he does, keep paper trails and screenshots. He will get his eventually, one way or another.