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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I got drunk and ruined it - Please help me fix this

157 replies

BettyBahooky · 27/12/2019 16:07

Hi all, this is a long and depressing one and I'm so ashamed of myself. Last night at home I got absolutely hammered, I dont know what happened but I just lost it!! I must've been looking for something because I've trashed the kitchen and broken stuff - but I honestly don't remember a thing or what my fucking problem was. My partner (been together for 5 years, 1 DSD 6 years old and 1 DD 4 years old) was obviously raging with me, I was THAT BAD I woke DSD up and she was so scared of me shouting he had to take her home!

He spent all last night in the car. Wouldn't respond to my many missed calls and I sent plenty of nasty texts accusing him of cheating (why!? It was all my fault in the first place!!) He came back this morning so disgusted with me. He's gone to stay with family 500 miles away, I have no idea if he will come home, he's not speaking to me but has said that he's done with me and he's never been treated so badly.

Obviously I'm never drinking again. The last year or so we've both been drinking too much, but never to the extent when someone blacks out and really loses it. So this is obviously a wake up call for me to knock it on the head. But what do I do!? How do I fix this? I've apologised and apologised but he doesn't want to know. I'm so so ashamed and just want to turn the clock back. We've had a difficult year as a couple but we love each other, we're meant to be going on holiday in 6 days for Christ's sake... so I guess that isn't happening now and it's all down to me and my stupid behaviour! My mum's advised me to leave him alone and let him calm down, but whenever we have issues I can't leave anything alone and want it sorted then and there.. I love him so much I'd do anything to make this right. Please help me, I honestly don't know what to do!

OP posts:
MirriMazDuur · 27/12/2019 16:09

You need to follow your mum's advice, anything else is likely to make things worse.

Knittedfairies · 27/12/2019 16:09

I think your mum is right; you have apologised so that's all you can do. Don't pester him.
I hope I all works out for you OP.

Hassled · 27/12/2019 16:11

Your mum is quite right - the best and only thing you can do is sit tight and wait. You've apologised, he knows how bad you feel - but it sounds like he'll need a lot of time to decide if he can forgive you. The absolute worst thing you can do now is keep picking at it - give him the time he needs.

Tableclothing · 27/12/2019 16:11

Not everything is fixable, unfortunately.

Sounds like the best thing you can do is contact AA, then clean up the mess in the kitchen. You'll need to prove (not promise) that you are safe to be around your SD. That may take some time.

I hope your daughter is OK.

bloodywhitecat · 27/12/2019 16:13

Take your mum's advice but I am not sure it is fixable. In his shoes I'd be putting my terrified 6 year old first too and calling an end to things. You need to work on what made you get to this point and try to resolve your own issues but in the short term I think you need to give him space.

MikeUniformMike · 27/12/2019 16:13

Well, you can't undo it. No doubt you'll get a pasting on here, but here's a virtual hug.

Take your mum's advice. Apologising more won't help right now.
Leave him alone and concentrate on looking after you and your DD.If you can get someone (your mum, sister, cousin, friend) to come and stay with you, then do so.

squigglybook · 27/12/2019 16:14

Sounds crazy but it must be a fragile relationship if it would break up because of one night?

On a side note if he took the DSD home and spent the night in the car whilst you were raging drunk who was looking after your 4 year old? Did he drink drive too?

jamdhanihash · 27/12/2019 16:18

I know you're not looking to excuse your behaviour (poor kids), but you need to examine why you went off like that. Think of it as being kind to yourself. What's been going on the past year? In other words, could it be a good outcome for you if this can't be fixed?

Teensandfuture · 27/12/2019 16:20

I was about to ask too where was 4 year old?

GrannyBags · 27/12/2019 16:20

I have been there and other posters are right - you need time for things to settle down. Do some positive things like tidy up and research AA or make a GP appointment. If you can give him space and show that you are sorry and trying to ensure it doesn’t happen again then he may forgive you. My situation was very different but a wake up call nonetheless.
Hugs Op - we all make mistakes.

Woollycardi · 27/12/2019 16:21

You can't fix it, it's broken and done. I would take a long, sober look at your relationship with alcohol, with your partner, with your child and your step daughter. I agree this sounds like a massive wake up call so listen to yourself and how you are behaving.

Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2019 16:22

You want to make this right as quickly as possible. It's understandable, but not realistic. He needs to process it all and decide what he wants to do.

You got trashed and lost control. You aren't the first and won't be the last. If this is a genuine wake up call then that's something positive.

I'm sure he is well aware you are sorry, but hounding him is not the answer and will only infuriate him further.
I hope things work out for you x

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 27/12/2019 16:25

You mention drinking too much on both parts - please be honest, would you say it's regularly drinking vast quantities? It sounds like a toxic mix - with two young children, what's been going on to make both of you drink so much?

This could be a case of the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Whilst you might not have behaved as badly on other occasions, it could be quite obvious to your partner that you've been regularly abusing alcohol and behaving negatively and he's had enough. You'd have expected him to speak to you about it and highlight his concerns but not everyone operates like that.

As a stepmother (I'm split from my ex but still see my stepson) I couldn't think of anything worse than to scare a very young child whilst absolutely paralytic and unable to control myself. And as a parent, I wouldn't ever feel comfortable or happy putting myself or my child in that position either, and would be seriously questioning the relationship if it did happen.

I think your partner has done the sensible thing and put some space between you, particularly if you've been accusing him of cheating and other accusations. You clearly need some help in managing your emotions, not only because you say you couldn't when drunk but also when you say you want to continue to text him to resolve the situation but haven't really thought what he wants. He might need some time, he might not - either way you need to take responsibility for your behaviour and the safety of your child, and that's both of you - he's done that by going away, but frankly it worries me that both of you have been drinking heavily whilst caring for very young children.

Let it be a wake up call Thanks

MerryDeath · 27/12/2019 16:26

you need to stick to your promise. if you are lucky enough to receive a chance to be better.... stick to it. even when it's long forgotten and you 'feel' forgiven.

I'm in your DP's position and that's it... say it, mean it and do it.

mistermagpie · 27/12/2019 16:27

You can't fix it, you haven't got a time machine, and you have apologised repeatedly so now just let him be for a while.

What I will say is that my marriage ended over an incident like this. We didn't have kids but DHs drinking (and mine to be fair) had escalated over a period of time. I am a sleepy drunk however, so am no harm to anyone or anything, but my DH would periodically do the things you did last night. One time was the last time and I left him. He did everything you are doing and apologised profusely, but there was no going back for me.

I'd use this experience as a wake up call, you can't change what you have done but you can change your behaviour going forwards and you should - especially as you have children. If you are forgiven then count your lucky stars and never get in that state again.

fluffyjumper · 27/12/2019 16:29

Sounds like a cry for help. Even if you can work past this it will live with your dsd for life. I would be more worried about the children then a holiday. I do sympathise with you, and can see you are hurting but if this had happened to me, a friend or family I would advice and support them to leave. Give him time and seek help today. I think you are brave asking for support from your mum. Except any help you can.

💐

Redwinestillfine · 27/12/2019 16:31

Go along to your local AA, let him go, focus on your dd. He may come back, he may not, but you need to do this for you. Don't just brush it under the carpet (or go to the other extreme and try and force him to engage). Good luck. Recognising you have a problem is the first step.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/12/2019 16:32

I take it he left your 4 year old with you? That's a bit shit as you were in a state.

You've recognised your drinking is now out of your control, so well done for that. Some people just aren't suited to alcohol.

Original poster
BettyBahooky · 27/12/2019 16:32

It is a fragile relationship at times. We clash over silly things and he's been suffering with health issues for a few years now (he's in pain every day, it's made him depressed and I struggle because there's nothing I can do to make it better for him. He's obviously miserable in himself which affects our relationship and his whole life). I've spoken to DSD's mum and apologised to her too, she says DSD is fine and actually wants to come back here to stay with me and my DD, bless her 😭 Neither of those girls should've heard me going nuts like that, it's so out of character for me Sad

I know I've cocked it up even more by pestering (which I will try hard to stop NOW) I just can't bear the thought of him sat there miles away hating me... I just want him back and to let me make this right, but he is stubborn and proud.

OP posts:
bingbangbing · 27/12/2019 16:32

Where is your daughter? Never mind your DP!

Apolloanddaphne · 27/12/2019 16:34

Give him time and let him see the changes you plan to make in action. If he won't go on holiday could just you and your DD go? Get some space and time to think?

Original poster
BettyBahooky · 27/12/2019 16:36

My DD was asleep in bed through the whole thing. I took her to my mum's first thing.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 27/12/2019 16:36

I can't leave anything alone and want it sorted then and there.

You can't. You have to live with the repercussions of what you did which is terribly uncomfortable.

First course of action is to find out why you acted like you did. There is an underlying source so you have to find it and work on that.

plumpmom · 27/12/2019 16:36

Leave it be. Get yourself into AA sessions and get counselling. Go totally sober. The more you pester him the more he’ll dig his heels in. Why can’t you go on the holiday? It’s already paid for right?

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 27/12/2019 16:36

Is this completely out of character for you? Has it happened before?

I think he will come around, but my main concern would be your step daughter witnessing it and obviously telling her mum, and her mum's response. If I was that child's mother, I would not be allowing my child to sleep in your house again.
Sorry, I don't mean to kick you when you're down - I'm just warning you of the potential consequences here. There are more people than your dp that you need to convince.

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