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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I got drunk and ruined it - Please help me fix this

157 replies

BettyBahooky · 27/12/2019 16:07

Hi all, this is a long and depressing one and I'm so ashamed of myself. Last night at home I got absolutely hammered, I dont know what happened but I just lost it!! I must've been looking for something because I've trashed the kitchen and broken stuff - but I honestly don't remember a thing or what my fucking problem was. My partner (been together for 5 years, 1 DSD 6 years old and 1 DD 4 years old) was obviously raging with me, I was THAT BAD I woke DSD up and she was so scared of me shouting he had to take her home!

He spent all last night in the car. Wouldn't respond to my many missed calls and I sent plenty of nasty texts accusing him of cheating (why!? It was all my fault in the first place!!) He came back this morning so disgusted with me. He's gone to stay with family 500 miles away, I have no idea if he will come home, he's not speaking to me but has said that he's done with me and he's never been treated so badly.

Obviously I'm never drinking again. The last year or so we've both been drinking too much, but never to the extent when someone blacks out and really loses it. So this is obviously a wake up call for me to knock it on the head. But what do I do!? How do I fix this? I've apologised and apologised but he doesn't want to know. I'm so so ashamed and just want to turn the clock back. We've had a difficult year as a couple but we love each other, we're meant to be going on holiday in 6 days for Christ's sake... so I guess that isn't happening now and it's all down to me and my stupid behaviour! My mum's advised me to leave him alone and let him calm down, but whenever we have issues I can't leave anything alone and want it sorted then and there.. I love him so much I'd do anything to make this right. Please help me, I honestly don't know what to do!

OP posts:
lovemenorca · 27/12/2019 17:44

OP I remember you from another thread where you deceived your 6 year addiction to cannabis

* ! I scared myself with how much I prioritised weed, it bled me dry, made me skinny and gaunt, so anxious and detached from everything and put my own kids wellbeing as second to that *

You have a track history with addiction. No wonder your partner has responded this way.

lovemenorca · 27/12/2019 17:44

described

YearofMisAdventure · 27/12/2019 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Menora · 27/12/2019 17:51

Everyone ranting isn’t giving practical advice which is what Op needs right now. Some of the practical advice has been great

Him coming back to you will solve NOTHING. It will only make you feel better in the short term. He’s actually doing you a favour. This is your chance to get help. You want him to come back so that you don’t have to face this mess alone, I understand that. But that’s your selfish side. You need to find the other side of you that wants to change

justasking111 · 27/12/2019 17:55

The thing is if the OP does all the right things AA counselling, how will it help if the partner comes home and continues to drink himself. Is he using alcohol because of his pain issues?

I had friends who married both like this drinking, arguments, they tore each other apart in the end scarred their DD for life she was a teenager when they separated. They both remarried and their new partners made them happy and they did not drink like this again.

So perhaps they are just not good for each other. I would have been terrified if my partner behaved like this but would have called the police and had them arrested.

Soulstirring · 27/12/2019 18:03

@Boots20 nailed it @BettyBahooky. You know you did wrong. Concentrate on moving forward, not punishing yourself

LovePoppy · 27/12/2019 18:08

You need to look into help for your drinking

Maddison12 · 27/12/2019 18:16

@Boots20 totally agree with you.

OP no offence but as soon as i read your post I knew you were going to get an absolute pasting on here, which is only going to make you feel worse. You know you've done wrong, you don't need strangers on the internet to tell you. I mean ffs we've all got drunk and made an arse of ourselves at some point. I'd bet my life that everyone who's being all high and mighty has also.

Chin up Flowers

lexiepuppy · 27/12/2019 18:25

This is self sabotaging behaviour for you both.

Were your parents alcoholics?

Do you come from an abusive background?

You have hit rock bottom.

Work on yourself, let your DP have some time alone and start working to make this better.

AA would be a good start, Sinclair method, talking to G.P about local services to help you.

Your children must have been terrified and will have MH problems if this continues.

Childhood trauma is the trigger for most addictions, so you should seek some counselling. G.P will be able to help you with that.

Get as much support from family and friends, ditch the alcohol and let your partner have some space.

Clear up, hug your daughter and promise to change for 2020.

Good luckFlowers

LemonTT · 27/12/2019 18:27

She needs to get help for her child and then her drinking.

Nothing an addict says has any value until they’re free of the addiction.

Original poster
BettyBahooky · 27/12/2019 19:09

I dont mind getting a pasting on here... it's the least I deserve!!! @Menora I totally agree with you, I want him here and I want him ok with me again because I'm terrified, feel wracked with guilt and just want to be forgiven. But that happening right now will surely gloss over an issue that's only going to reoccur and if I've not already lost him, I certainly will at some stage if I carry on like this. And like other PPs say, I'm damaging my daughter further (she is both mine and DPs child for those asking). I've not text him this afternoon. He's been online but not read my messages, I don't blame him. Made a start on cleaning up the shit and going to blitz the house tomorrow once I've had some sleep. Thank you to everyone on here, you've stopped me making things even worse and I'll keep popping on the thread whenever I feel like pestering him. I've also spoken to someone on AA chat so hopefully I can get somewhere with that.

OP posts:
golddigger79 · 27/12/2019 19:21

Today is the first day of the rest of your life Betty.

I used to be a problem drinker, have caused similar scenes myself in my time and always felt so much shame and guilt afterwards. Horrible.

Stopped drinking about 4 years ago now and it's the best thing I ever did. You'll find life falls into place if you get rid of the booze. Good luck.

bingbangbing · 27/12/2019 19:34

OP.

Your last post is still all about your sodding love life!

Forget it. Just forget it.

Why are you still worrying about him forgiving you?

You're in such a mess that you cannot and should not care for your daughter and your first concern is your love life???

One day, you will be begging your adult daughter for forgiveness if you don't change your priorities. Probably begging her to speak to you or even allow you to see your grandkids.

Get help and go teetotal.

And please do not take her off on holiday on your own. Please.

spingly · 27/12/2019 19:53

Jeez what about the children in all this? You smashed the home looking for something?

AgentJohnson · 27/12/2019 19:58

Your focus is all wrong, it’s just another distraction from what you should be doing. Two parents with a drink problem is a problem.

You say you want to fix things, you can but it starts with your alcohol issues.

LadyHofH · 27/12/2019 20:01

I dunno.

If the OP had posted that her DP had behaved like this - and with small children around - she would get a unanimous LTB. As it is, she's getting hugs and understanding.

Maybe these are deserved (who knows why people behave in strange and unpleasant ways?) - but there are definitely double standards here

rosieposies · 27/12/2019 22:32

Well done OP for taking action.

What's done is done, wallowing in self pity and feeling bad won't help anyone and will only send you into a spiral that will make you want to drink again. (I'm not really sure why this has become a discussion about how men and women are treated differently here - I'd say the same to both sexes)

Tomorrow you won't have a hangover and will feel a lot better. Do something fun with your daughter after sorting the house - go to the cinema or the park and have some one on one time with her. It will make you feels loads better.

DecemberSnow · 27/12/2019 22:35

Your partner had a drink?

Drove his first daughter to "safety" but he was over the limit?

But he left his other daughter, a defenseless 4 year old, in your care?

His a wanker

LadyHofH · 27/12/2019 22:37

So the OP became drunk and violent and aggressive, but the man is still the "wanker". Confused

I'd say the stepdaughter's mother is pretty bonkers, too, given that she's encouraging her daughter to go back into that household again. I wouldn't be letting a six year old anywhere near it.

Menora · 27/12/2019 23:06

Reading what Op is saying and where she is at;

  • She’s afraid and wants her DP to come back as she thinks it would all make it better again - she’s wrong, but that’s where her mind is
  • him coming back now would mean she doesn’t have to deal with how she is feeling because it is easier to move on past it than address it
  • she’s in denial about how bad it is, so him ignoring her just feels like some kind of punishment
  • they both are enabling each other in a drink problem and this was inevitable at some point. Him coming back won’t help OP’s drink problem if he still has one
  • the DC are young and not able to express how they feel about this shit show, which leads Op into a false sense of security that they don’t really understand it

You can do this
I have an alcoholic parent and I don’t think he’s ever regretted anything, but I see in you some massively unhealthy behaviours around your DP with an emotional dependency on him to fix what you don’t want to fix for yourself - this is a huge challenge for you

Franklyyes · 27/12/2019 23:20

in February u posted how you were addicted to weed for 7 years and it affected your kids lives. It seems you have problems with addiction maybe replacing weed with alcohol?
Seek help for yourself and get in a good place and go from there. Take it a step at a time. Good luck OP x

Disillusioneddaisy · 27/12/2019 23:25

We've all done daft things when drunk. I've acted horrendously towards my dp and I know those feelings of guilt and crushing shame very well. You have acknowledged your mistakes and apologised, it's all you can do for now. Hopefully he will calm down and you can sort it out.

Take this as a serious wake up call though. Alcohol can be dangerous and destructive.

Original poster
BettyBahooky · 27/12/2019 23:25

Yes, that is correct - cannabis took over my life for a long time. I'm definitely replacing that "buzz" with alcohol now. Stopping the weed was the hardest thing I had to do, but I did it. My mum was/is an alcoholic too, and whilst my childhood was a fairly happy normal one, her drinking was really bad for years when I was about 17... she nearly died a few times - why am I doing this to myself??? My dad died from smoking-related lung cancer when I was 5, but guess what? I fucking smoke myself!! I should be learning from their addictions, not copying them myself.

OP posts:
SnowyUnicorns · 27/12/2019 23:46

You have the connection with your DP through the DC. That isn't going to go away. He is therefore going to have to communicate with you at some point. He needs this time away from you to accept that you BOTH have an alcohol problem and lick his wounds from seeing a not very nice side of you.

You know that he will have to speak to you eventually so forget about your relationship for now. Spend the next few days sorting out the mess you have made in the house, finding your local AA and getting booked in for their next available session. Get rid of anything alcoholic in the house. Find things to occupy yourself to distract yourself when you start longing for a drink. Make giving up alcohol your new year resolution which you must stick with for life for the sake of your DC.

When DP gets in touch with you, you will be able to show him that you feel genuine remorse for your actions. You have learnt from your mistakes and you are putting positive steps in place to prevent there from ever being a repeat performance. If he can't forgive you when you have done everything possible to change your behaviour then perhaps your relationship is a lot more fragile than you realised. If that is the case, you might be better off apart. Whatever your DP's decision is, this is your mistake to own and you must respect his decision if he decides that he can't deal with someone who is so volatile when drunk.

It might not seem it now but if this incident makes you give up drink then in the long run it could be the best thing that has happened to your family. Good luck.

eaglejulesk · 28/12/2019 00:05

I can't leave anything alone and want it sorted then and there.

This can't be sorted as easily as that. I would heed your Mum's advice and leave him alone to calm down. In the meantime you need to do something towards your drinking issues - you simply can't carry on like that with young children in your care. Good luck.