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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I got drunk and ruined it - Please help me fix this

157 replies

BettyBahooky · 27/12/2019 16:07

Hi all, this is a long and depressing one and I'm so ashamed of myself. Last night at home I got absolutely hammered, I dont know what happened but I just lost it!! I must've been looking for something because I've trashed the kitchen and broken stuff - but I honestly don't remember a thing or what my fucking problem was. My partner (been together for 5 years, 1 DSD 6 years old and 1 DD 4 years old) was obviously raging with me, I was THAT BAD I woke DSD up and she was so scared of me shouting he had to take her home!

He spent all last night in the car. Wouldn't respond to my many missed calls and I sent plenty of nasty texts accusing him of cheating (why!? It was all my fault in the first place!!) He came back this morning so disgusted with me. He's gone to stay with family 500 miles away, I have no idea if he will come home, he's not speaking to me but has said that he's done with me and he's never been treated so badly.

Obviously I'm never drinking again. The last year or so we've both been drinking too much, but never to the extent when someone blacks out and really loses it. So this is obviously a wake up call for me to knock it on the head. But what do I do!? How do I fix this? I've apologised and apologised but he doesn't want to know. I'm so so ashamed and just want to turn the clock back. We've had a difficult year as a couple but we love each other, we're meant to be going on holiday in 6 days for Christ's sake... so I guess that isn't happening now and it's all down to me and my stupid behaviour! My mum's advised me to leave him alone and let him calm down, but whenever we have issues I can't leave anything alone and want it sorted then and there.. I love him so much I'd do anything to make this right. Please help me, I honestly don't know what to do!

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 27/12/2019 17:05

@maryann1978 to be fair to both of us we don't really know much about this family and without some sort of assessment it would be hard to know if OP would pose a risk to her child on holiday.

IP it sounds like you have quite a bit of insight into your behaviour and seem ready o make the changes you need to make. Do this for yourself and your child and worry about your partner after that. Good luck.

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2019 17:07

Okay, OP.
The fact you are wanting to stop is a really good thing.

Gotta be honest.. you need to focus on YOU.

Your energy needs to be on getting you better. Being with another alcoholic is a problem.

Get an appointment with your GP to discuss detox. Go to AA. Ask for Talking Therapies to help you to understand why you feel like this. Mental health impacts our physical health so much.

It is good that you know you have a problem - it will be another step to get help - be brave and do it. Can your mum support you?

Your relationship issues are separate - you need to get well and put your daughter first - best wishes. This is the start of a long journey but with the right support around you it is possible to get better - and there may be relapses, but don't give up.

Chista · 27/12/2019 17:08

OP you cannot undo what is done and you cant erase it from DPs mind either. All you can do is show him that you are seeking help to change. Its a shitty situation, one that I have seen a number of times, but time is what is needed here.

Woollycardi · 27/12/2019 17:09

It's ok to be scared. That fear is what you need to tunnel yourself out. We all need that otherwise we would just continue on as we are.
Good luck.

Fleetheart · 27/12/2019 17:09

I think that AA will help you. It sounds like drinking has made a difficult situation a thousand times worse. It will help you and your daughter if you can come more stable. Can you get to an AA meeting tomorrow?

puds11 · 27/12/2019 17:10

I think the best outcome of this is that you stop drinking. Your relationship with your DP is by the by, however your relationship with your child and with alcohol need to be your focus right now.

beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 17:10

Leave him be for a while.

There is nothing you can do in this situation except apologise and take action to prove to him this will never happen again.

You need to speak to him and let him tell you how this incident made him feel. Dont justify, make excuses or minimise. You need to let him be brutally honest with you about his thoughts and feelings around what happened last night and you need to be completely sincere in taking action to ensure this never happens again. That means making a GP appointment and/or seeking support to stay sober. Show him you mean business by your actions. Dont excuse your behaviour, there is no excuse. However, we are all human and we all fck up sometimes.
All you can do is listen to him, accept total responsibility for your behaviour, and prove to him by your actions that this won't happen again.

Try not to beat yourself up- we are all only human and as long as you learn from this mistake and make a positive change then it won't be a wasted opportunity. Unfortunately, you are just going to have to let the cards fall where they may with this one. But dont underestimate the power of a SINCERE apology. Good luck!

Fleetheart · 27/12/2019 17:10

Agree with the PPs, it won’t help you to be with him at the moment, this is something you need to find the strength to do alone. I remember a saying from AA (my ex used to go): there is no situation that alcohol can’t make worse. I think that’s very true.

Christmaspug · 27/12/2019 17:13

Woah
So he took his dd home ,stayed in the car all night ,because you were so dangerous he couldn’t have his daughter around you
Yet he left the 4 year old asleep in bed
He’s a tosser ,if you were that bad he’s a tosser for not protecting the 4 year old ..
If you were not that bad ,he’s a tosser for making a fuss and taking the 6 year old to Safety
Either way he’s a twat ,probably why you got so drunk and behaved as u did

GodolphianArabian · 27/12/2019 17:13

You can't fix this with words, time for action. Do you have any alcohol in the house - can you get rid of it?

Can you contact proper support? www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/contact

Try and do something.

Boots20 · 27/12/2019 17:17

Oh Ffs the woman is admitting she was in the wrong, she drank too much with children in her care and was BUT she knows she has done wrong she doesnt need some of you kicking her while shes down and making her feel so worse, shes human as are we all, we all make mistakes. OP my advise would be to gather your thoughts, maybe write your partner a letter and get everything off your chest then put it away for now. Have a bath, drink tea, cuddle your daughter and give your partner time. You can change this all around and become the person you know you can be. Day one today. Alcohol can be a curse but the fact you know you've done wrong says it all. This can be fixed with dedication and time. Weve all done things we regret. Rock bottom means the only way is up.

Boots20 · 27/12/2019 17:18

and was out of order I should have wrote.

Josette77 · 27/12/2019 17:22

Christmaspug you are really going to blame her DP for HER getting blackout drunk????? Really????

LetsSplashMummy · 27/12/2019 17:23

This can't be fixed by wearing him down and pestering him. The only thing you can fix is your own behaviour, so work on how you are going to stop drinking. If he brushes it under the carpet, it will happen again.

Throw out all the alcohol in the house, contact AA, make an actual plan on how to stop. When he's ready to talk to you, that will be more persuasive than a shed load of desperate texts.

Fundays12 · 27/12/2019 17:23

Leave him be the more you keep trying to speak to him the more he is likely to pull back. He needs time and space to reconcile all this in his head. You need time to assess your priorities.

Hopoindown31 · 27/12/2019 17:24

I take it he left your 4 year old with you? That's a bit shit as you were in a state.

He should have called the police but I think an unrelated man taking a 4 year old away from his mother would cause far more trouble for him than otherwise.

GrannyBags · 27/12/2019 17:25

Does your 4 year old belong to you and DP?

Candymay · 27/12/2019 17:26

Try to get to an AA meeting today if you can. Time to change your life. He will need to do the same but you may need to be separate for a while at least. Good luck. You have to reach a lowest point in order to change.

TooTrueToBeGood · 27/12/2019 17:26

bottom means the only way is up.

True, but it remains to be seen if she has actually hit rock bottom. She's less likely to if people give her sympathy and tell her not to be too hard on herself. Frankly, I think her child should be taken into care for its own safety. Alcoholics don't recover overnight and it doesn't sound like either parent is currently fit to be trusted with caring for a young child.

BacktoMA · 27/12/2019 17:28

All you can do is learn from it and please let it be a wake up call. I grew up with a mother who did the same, not very often but enough to have caused some quite upsetting situations that despite her thinking all in the past I still haven't ever forgiven her for, but she never apologised tbh. Apologise, commit to sobriety as that's the only way you can rebuild the trust right now.

Smilebehappy123 · 27/12/2019 17:30

I don't think your behaviour is good OP and especially if the children have seen this
HOWEVER- has this just happened the once? What's been going on throughout the year ?
It's not good and your mum right I'd leave or for today and just sort the kitchen out , as a previous poster had said though I'f this was my husband and completely out of character I would be trying to get to the bottom of why this happened and opposed to ending the relationship. if you had a pattern of doing this and this was just the final straw for you partner then you would only have yourself to blame but as a one off I feel he should be trying to support you, I think you will get mixed reactions on here to be honest

Fizzypoo · 27/12/2019 17:35

I'm with @Christmaspug

If OP was that bad why did her dp only take his dd and not the other one. Also dp who drinks four cans drove whilst intoxicated with his dd yet OP is the bad one...

I think, although this isn't what you want to hear OP, that your dp is a twat and your relationship isn't a great one with too much drinking and conflict.

You could have a lovely life without that. I doubt your an alcoholic either. Do dry January to break your daily drinking habit and create healthier evening habits to relax.

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/12/2019 17:40

@BettyBahooky

go to your GP and ask to be put on to Naltrexone.

Google The Sinclair Method. Basically, every time you decide to drink, you take a pill one hour beforehand.

It takes away the Buzz and so your urge to drink more is not rewarded.

It has a far better success rate than AA (total abstinence).

You can't frighten children this way OP.

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/12/2019 17:43

Go to AA as well, of course, the 12 Steps is life changing on how to be a better human being.

But The Sinclair Method allows you to drink and stay in control. It is unreasonable to expect people to Never Touch The Demon Ever Again - which is why AA has such a high failure rate and people tend to trash their lives before they get there.

The Sinclair Method has about a 70% success rate and you don't have to 'hit rock bottom' first. You just have to want to be in control of your drinking.

Branster · 27/12/2019 17:43

I hope this is not a true story. Not much of it adds up especially regarding the children.
Anyway, if is true, OP sorting out the drinking issues is your priority right now not him. Yes, the amount of drinking qualifies both of you as alcoholics I’m afraid. And in charge of children.
If anyone told this story as a witness, they’d been advised to call social services by now and not to allow any children in a house with this potential drunken behaviour.