I got drunk and ruined it - Please help me fix this

[BettyBahooky]

Hi all, this is a long and depressing one and I'm so ashamed of myself. Last night at home I got absolutely hammered, I dont know what happened but I just lost it!! I must've been looking for something because I've trashed the kitchen and broken stuff - but I honestly don't remember a thing or what my fucking problem was. My partner (been together for 5 years, 1 DSD 6 years old and 1 DD 4 years old) was obviously raging with me, I was THAT BAD I woke DSD up and she was so scared of me shouting he had to take her home!

He spent all last night in the car. Wouldn't respond to my many missed calls and I sent plenty of nasty texts accusing him of cheating (why!? It was all my fault in the first place!!) He came back this morning so disgusted with me. He's gone to stay with family 500 miles away, I have no idea if he will come home, he's not speaking to me but has said that he's done with me and he's never been treated so badly.

Obviously I'm never drinking again. The last year or so we've both been drinking too much, but never to the extent when someone blacks out and really loses it. So this is obviously a wake up call for me to knock it on the head. But what do I do!? How do I fix this? I've apologised and apologised but he doesn't want to know. I'm so so ashamed and just want to turn the clock back. We've had a difficult year as a couple but we love each other, we're meant to be going on holiday in 6 days for Christ's sake... so I guess that isn't happening now and it's all down to me and my stupid behaviour! My mum's advised me to leave him alone and let him calm down, but whenever we have issues I can't leave anything alone and want it sorted then and there.. I love him so much I'd do anything to make this right. Please help me, I honestly don't know what to do!

What Lulualla said

I meant I want to do this on my own, regardless of what happens with him. I'm going to make an appointment with my GP on Monday. I am going to an AA meeting but can only go on Friday afternoon when I have childcare.

That is a really positive step. Make sure you make those appointments OP.

I think today you need to think less about him and more about yourself and the future. He might well forgive you and come home, but is that what you both want? Just to go back to drinking every night, him in chronic pain and depressed ?

Sounds like you are unhappy in your life and numbing if with drinking. I don’t think 4 cans of lager a night makes you an alcoholic, but if you spend all day thinking about them and can’t wait to get the kids to bed to drink them, then yes, alcohol is taking over (is it really four cans, honestly).

You say you can’t remember why you went in the rage, what happened before you were drunk?

You mentioned a holiday, could you and the kids still go, give yourself time away from you usual surroundings to think (but don’t drink)?

Doing it on your own led to you going round in circles. Replacing one addiction for another. You want the BF back because he enables you and he doesn’t monitor your drinking. He allowed the use to neglect you child when you were taking weed. You have admitted doing that on here.

You are in the throes of an addiction, again. Posting positive sounding memes on the internet about how you have miraculously recovered in 24 hours isn’t a recovery. It’s a delusion.

I have yet to hear how you are doing anything to protect your child from you.

So it's not out of character is it?

You say you've previously not put your child first because of weed.

And now you've not put your child first because of alcohol.

So you have already had a chance to turn things around and instead of doing so, you've replaced one addiction with another.

As another poster said if it was a woman writing the post from your DP's point of view there is no way in hell anyone would tell you it was salvageable.

It's so wrong that your post is all about how to fix things with DP. As a parent your post should be about how you can minimise the damage you have done to the children involved.

I'm sorry but you sound totally self involved and are focusing on your love life which is already fragile and causing a tense and argumentative environment for the children to grow up in.

You screamed and shouted and smashed up your home. You terrified a young child. She must have been so scared. I could not forgive you.

So to be honest if he doesn't end the relationship you're both just going to spiral more and the poor kids will suffer more.

Like I say, you claim this is out of character and I think you're referring to the violence, but it is absolutely not out of character that you're putting addiction before your children despite being intelligent and self aware enough to fully understand you are doing so.

Tough love I'm afraid - grow up and reassess your priorities. Big time.

However, I'd also wonder what happened to make you go crazy. Is it possible that your DP did or said something, or has been doing something that caused you to become so angry?

My god this is so unbelievable victim blaming @Bouledeneige

Imagine saying this to a woman who had been accused of cheating by her drunk partner while he screamed at her and smashed up the home with a six year old witnessing it terrified and a four year old in their room upstairs.

Would you honestly ever say to the woman "are you sure you didn't do anything to make him so angry".

Disgraceful.

Just to be clear the first paragraph in my previous post is quoting @Bouledeneige definitely not from me.

However, I'd also wonder what happened to make you go crazy. Is it possible that your DP did or said something, or has been doing something that caused you to become so angry?

I’m sorry if you thought I was victim blaming. I was suggesting the OP understand the underlying causes of the drinking and dynamics of the relationship not just putting it down to one crazy night.

I have lived in a hellish relationship of co-dependency and recognise that things can be put down to a freakish event whilst not really understanding the deeper problems. It sounds like both parties have a dependency on alcohol.

However, I'd also wonder what happened to make you go crazy. Is it possible that your DP did or said something, or has been doing something that caused you to become so angry?

This is the most appalling victim blaming.

The posts sticking the boot into the DP are pretty disgusting. He and the children are the victims here, not the OP. It does sound like he drinks too much. But he doesn't smash up her house, terrify their kids, send his partner abusive texts accusing her of cheating.

The posts criticising him for removing his child from the situation, but not the younger one he shares with the OP, are also pretty unbelievable. We can only imagine what her reaction would've been if he tried to get her out of bed and remove her from the house.

The OP has recognised she needs help, which is great. But she also needs to stop contacting her exP and stepdaughter. At this point in time, they are entitled to their safe haven.

I suspect he left his daughter because he knew that the OP would create massive high drama by calling the police and saying he’s kidnapped her.

Whereas he could take his DSD without this drama

Plus his DSD woke up and was frightened. Whereas the younger one didn’t wake

OP is seeing her GP on Monday and has already spoken to AA - these are first steps which she needs to be credited for.

OP has not bragged about her behaviour and comes across as pretty ashamed and taking positive steps.

I do think she should not get back with Ex partner whilst they still have problems but people should RTFT and not bash if they have not read the updates.

OP - I hope you take this forward in a positive way with your daughter as your anchor and purpose to get things straight so she does not follow your path as you did your mother's.

How are things today?

Hope you're doing ok @op

Hi everyone. I'm doing better than yesterday... trying to keep busy. DP is coming home tomorrow to talk, so I'll have to wait and see what happens. Day 3 without a drink today and I'm not even wanting one, but obviously still going to seek help from GP and AA.

Well done OP!

What was your childhood like OP? What were your parents like? Has anything traumatic happened to you? Does drinking / smoking bring you solace? If so it’s important to process and address these issues otherwise just going teetotal is just treating the symptoms and leaves you on a vulnerable white knuckle ride.

Well done @BettyBahooky only you can do this.

My childhood was ok, never had a good relationship with my mum (partly due to her drinking, partly due to me pushing her away because my dad died when I was young and I resented her at times for some fucked up reason) I can't say I've ever been through a trauma, but even when I was a child I was very introverted, spent a lot of time on my own. I've suspected for years that I have high-functioning Aspergers and can get obsessed with things and habits and routine - which is why I think my addictions are harder to control as I can get really stressed and uncomfortable if my routine is different, plans change etc. Drinking and smoking brings me calm I guess, except when it doesn't bring me calm and fucks up my life of course..!

Oh sweetheart you have had terrible traumas - your Dad died, your Mum was a drinker and you had a poor RS with her. This means you have not been parented and have been v emotionally neglected. Sounds like chaos and you introversion, obsessions and routines probably just a way to try to control or get a footing in your v unstable world. I can see how addictions numb the loneliness and pain.

If you can see a good psychotherapist to process all of this you will have a much better chance of not relapsing and maintaining RS and giving your DC a much better emotional future.

to you. I second a good psychotherapist.

I have ADHD with autistic features, and it can be really painful. For me it means I lose friends or people don't like my face. I'm hurt every time, and it effects my opinion of myself.

I say and do the wrong thing so often. Do you find anything like that happens to you?

Life can be overwhelming if you have ASD traits, and it's tempting to drink to relax or as a treat.

Well done, OP. Don’t forget that your DP has not been entirely blameless here (he also drinks too much and has contributed to your difficult relationship).

Perhaps you could both give up alcohol but, if it doesn’t work out with DP, there may be someone else out there who brings out the best in you

Have you booked a GP appointment, OP?

How did the appointment go OP?