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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I got drunk and ruined it - Please help me fix this

157 replies

BettyBahooky · 27/12/2019 16:07

Hi all, this is a long and depressing one and I'm so ashamed of myself. Last night at home I got absolutely hammered, I dont know what happened but I just lost it!! I must've been looking for something because I've trashed the kitchen and broken stuff - but I honestly don't remember a thing or what my fucking problem was. My partner (been together for 5 years, 1 DSD 6 years old and 1 DD 4 years old) was obviously raging with me, I was THAT BAD I woke DSD up and she was so scared of me shouting he had to take her home!

He spent all last night in the car. Wouldn't respond to my many missed calls and I sent plenty of nasty texts accusing him of cheating (why!? It was all my fault in the first place!!) He came back this morning so disgusted with me. He's gone to stay with family 500 miles away, I have no idea if he will come home, he's not speaking to me but has said that he's done with me and he's never been treated so badly.

Obviously I'm never drinking again. The last year or so we've both been drinking too much, but never to the extent when someone blacks out and really loses it. So this is obviously a wake up call for me to knock it on the head. But what do I do!? How do I fix this? I've apologised and apologised but he doesn't want to know. I'm so so ashamed and just want to turn the clock back. We've had a difficult year as a couple but we love each other, we're meant to be going on holiday in 6 days for Christ's sake... so I guess that isn't happening now and it's all down to me and my stupid behaviour! My mum's advised me to leave him alone and let him calm down, but whenever we have issues I can't leave anything alone and want it sorted then and there.. I love him so much I'd do anything to make this right. Please help me, I honestly don't know what to do!

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 27/12/2019 16:36

Leave him be for now. It sounds like you've been mutually destructive in your drinking habits. Perhaps some time apart will help calm everything down. Can you cancel the holiday or postpone and get any money back? Do you have travel insurance?

bingbangbing · 27/12/2019 16:37

@Apolloanddaphne

The last thing she should do is go on holiday alone with a small child!

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 27/12/2019 16:37

Crossed posts.

Nifflernancy · 27/12/2019 16:39

Him ignoring you doesn’t mean he’s stubborn and proud! You’re the one who’s really really fucked up here and that’s totally your fault - it’s nothing to do with how he’s reacted

PinkiOcelot · 27/12/2019 16:39

I’ll echo the others and say give him the space he’s asking for. You’ve apologised, so leave it now.
Tbh though, this would be a dealbreaker for me.

ArranUpsideDown · 27/12/2019 16:40

I can't leave anything alone and want it sorted then and there.. I love him so much I'd do anything to make this right. Please help me, I honestly don't know what to do!

From the sound of it you do have enough insight to know what to do - and that's to leave him be and maybe chat about this incident with your GP?

Is there somebody else who might go on holiday with you? Can you cancel it or offer the whole thing to someone else?

bingbangbing · 27/12/2019 16:40

Leave your daughter with your Mum and the stepdaughter stays away too.

Witnessing what they did last night can wreck their mental health.

Get help before you attempt to look after any children.

Forgot your love life- it's really not important right now. Your daughter is the priority right now. She's evidently not safe with you at the moment.

Get help. You will regret it if you don't.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/12/2019 16:41

Apologising doesn't mean anything. Words are cheap. Only your behaviour will prove whether or not you mean what you say, and, if I were you, I'd go teetotal from here on in. It sounds as though you both have a problem with alcohol, and it certainly doesn't sound ideal for your DD - what would have happened if she woke up last night? Would you even remember?

For everyone's sake, give up the booze.

JacquesHammer · 27/12/2019 16:42

DSD’s mother is incredibly generous.

Your mother is right. Leave him alone. Not everything is fixable.

Menora · 27/12/2019 16:42

I think your outlook/focus is really showing how toxic this is - ALL you are worried about is how you can’t get him to change his mind. Your posts are all about it him. It sounds like you are really fixated on this more than anything else. You only seem to want to make it right to him. Not for your DC or yourself. That is not healthy at all. It only happened yesterday is this man not allowed any space to even think or breathe? Do you even respect him?

bingbangbing · 27/12/2019 16:42

You drove with her in the car, while almost certainly still drunk.

Please get help.

Keepmewarm · 27/12/2019 16:45

You need to wait to see what he wants. Nothing else to do.
Let your mum take care of your dd.

ChristmasCroissant · 27/12/2019 16:46

All you talk about is pestering your partner to see your own point of view and nothing about the steps you are going to take to stop this happening again.

sonjadog · 27/12/2019 16:46

You can’t instantly fix it. Wanting to do that makes it seem like you want to pretend it didn’t happen or it wasn’t that serious. If I were your partner that would make me even less likely to come back. Own what you did, give him the space and time he is asking, and in the meantime deal with your own issues. I would want more than a «I’ll never do it again» if I were him. Go to AA, get yourself in a better place.

Apolloanddaphne · 27/12/2019 16:46

@bingbangbing Why shouldn't she? It sounds like OP drinks too much in a binge drinking way, not in a mainlining vodka with breakfast way. She had her DD could have a lovely relaxed and sober holiday. I am a social worker and wouldn't have a problem with this mum taking her child on holiday based on what she has said.

Josette77 · 27/12/2019 16:47

Fix yourself. That's all you can do. Your DP is entitled to space. If you push him you will lose him certainly. You might already have lost him. Your DD is your big concern. Make this right for her and you.

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 27/12/2019 16:50

@bingbangbing I agree. OP, you would have been well over the limit driving your daughter. You need to nake big changes. And make them now. Focus on your sobriety and your DD, not trying to get your ex to forgive you. He had to drag his daughter out in the middle of the night.....you must have been like a banshee!

Original poster
BettyBahooky · 27/12/2019 16:50

No I didn't drive! We only have one car which DP has taken. My mum lives a 2 minute walk away.

OP posts:
Lulualla · 27/12/2019 16:51

In that last post of yours, you've put all the blame o him. Saying that his pain is causing the misery and problems in your relationship. You've also said that you want to fix it but its him who is too stubborn and proud.

Have a think about that. You're behaviour last night was abhorrent, yet it's his stubbornness and pride which is causing the problem at this minute? It isn't. I wouldn't want to talk to you right now; most people wouldn't. It's not because he is stubborn and proud, it's because he needs to calm down and have a chance to think about the best way to proceed for him and the children before he faces you. I'm guessing whenever talks like this happen, you throw blame onto him?

You need to get some help, and the children shouldn't be with you during this time.

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2019 16:52

What has your drinking been like in the last 12 months?
How has it escalated?
Is it binge drinking or daily drinking to function?
Are you both/are you an alcoholic?
What makes you drink in the way adn to the amount you do?
Have you thought about the impact it has on your daughter?
Do you want your life to continue in this way?
Do you want your daughter to be taken away from you?

You need to think about the answers to the above and think about how you want your life to be in 12 months.

People don't have these types of habits/behaviours for no reason.
Please get help Flowers

1forAll74 · 27/12/2019 16:55

I think you should leave your partner alone for some time now.You should clearly not expect him to want to contact you,or converse with you after your awful behaviour. If your partner is with his family,he might well discuss these issues with them,and get some good, or even bad advice,as to what to do now. You will have to wait and see now,if you have really gone over the top with everything.

And I wouldn't be having any more booze to calm you down now.as it won't work.

Menora · 27/12/2019 16:56

You need to really look at this differently I agree.

No set of circumstances forced you to get wasted and smash your house up and accuse DP of cheating, terrify your step daughter and now you have had to take DD to your mums and you are at home all alone trying to work out how to make your DP come back to you

The facts of it is he’s not being stubborn and proud, he is going to be very angry, very upset and possibly even scared of you. He’s going to be worried about his DC much more than he’s worried about you right now.

Original poster
BettyBahooky · 27/12/2019 16:59

I think we're both alcoholics... we do drink daily in the evenings after work, about 4 cans of lager each. We both don't like to be without it really. We've discussed stopping it quite a lot, I don't want to carry on like this, regardless of what I did last night.

The PPs focusing on me saying I want to change his mind, make him forgive me, come back etc and me focusing on that and not how what I've done has affected me and our kids - you're so right Sad I'm a stupid fool and still handling this all so badly. This isn't just some silly row, this can't be sorted with a few "I'm sorry" conversations and promises. I need to actually do something to change my ways. I'm scared.

OP posts:
maryann1978 · 27/12/2019 17:01

@Apolloanddaphne - it does sound like binge drinking. However, she has flown into a rage, blacked out and OP is focussed on DP forgiving her opposed to getting herself sorted out and prioritising her DC. As a child protection social worker I would be concerned about her taking her child on holiday alone and would be advising against it as although there is some insight it strikes me that she believes her daughter heard nothing as she was asleep. How does OP know when she cannot even remember what happened?

Straycatstrut · 27/12/2019 17:04

Wow your poor partner and kids. There are womens shelters for things like this but I doubt anywhere like that for men. You probably scared the living crap out of him.

Get yourself to the doctors and ask for any help available.

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