I got drunk and ruined it - Please help me fix this

[BettyBahooky]

Hi all, this is a long and depressing one and I'm so ashamed of myself. Last night at home I got absolutely hammered, I dont know what happened but I just lost it!! I must've been looking for something because I've trashed the kitchen and broken stuff - but I honestly don't remember a thing or what my fucking problem was. My partner (been together for 5 years, 1 DSD 6 years old and 1 DD 4 years old) was obviously raging with me, I was THAT BAD I woke DSD up and she was so scared of me shouting he had to take her home!

He spent all last night in the car. Wouldn't respond to my many missed calls and I sent plenty of nasty texts accusing him of cheating (why!? It was all my fault in the first place!!) He came back this morning so disgusted with me. He's gone to stay with family 500 miles away, I have no idea if he will come home, he's not speaking to me but has said that he's done with me and he's never been treated so badly.

Obviously I'm never drinking again. The last year or so we've both been drinking too much, but never to the extent when someone blacks out and really loses it. So this is obviously a wake up call for me to knock it on the head. But what do I do!? How do I fix this? I've apologised and apologised but he doesn't want to know. I'm so so ashamed and just want to turn the clock back. We've had a difficult year as a couple but we love each other, we're meant to be going on holiday in 6 days for Christ's sake... so I guess that isn't happening now and it's all down to me and my stupid behaviour! My mum's advised me to leave him alone and let him calm down, but whenever we have issues I can't leave anything alone and want it sorted then and there.. I love him so much I'd do anything to make this right. Please help me, I honestly don't know what to do!

I'm sorry but in his shoes, I'd be protecting my children and ending things for good.
Some things you just can't fix.

Take this as a lesson and find a way to get help for your drinking.

@LadyHofH Yes he is a wanker.
Because he left a 4 year old in her mothers "care"

I didnt say the OP hasnt done wrong.

But the "dad" left 1 daughter in danger but took the other daughter.

Who does that

I’m just so shocked that he left his 4 year old alone with you in such a drunken, violent and unpredictable state. And he’s just abandoned her with you now, unaware of what state you are currently in and whether or not you’ve just continued drinking since he decided to disengage.

You have huge issues, OP, and you absolutely need to address them immediately because you are endangering your child and stepchild, but this bloke is a fucking shit father. Completely negligent.

The priority should be changing the environment in which your children are growing up. Your partner coming back will just give the illusion that things are fixed and they certainly aren’t.

2 small children in the house and you behave like that ? You want forgiveness on here from a bunch of strangers too .
Get help asap and stop looking for people to tell you it's ok and stop pushing the blame onto your husband/ partner.
If I was your neighbour and had heard this going on I would be calling social services trust me .

Thats a horrible awakening for you OP - in every sense of the word. I'm sure you will feel a lot of remorse and want to take steps to ensure it never happens again for your children's sake. Its certainly not good if you can't remember what happened.

However, I'd also wonder what happened to make you go crazy. Is it possible that your DP did or said something, or has been doing something that caused you to become so angry? I know of course there are abusive partners who go on the rampage over nothing, but usually its hard in a relationship to get into an argument on your own. I'm wondering if there is something deeper going on.

I was in a very manipulative relationship, where I was treated cruelly and gaslighted and when I tried to address issues calmly it escalated into very over the top and out of control arguments - particularly when drink was involved. I was the one who got all the blame but he contributed massively. If i raised issues that hurt me he would laugh in my face, walk out on me or lambast me and it made my feel incredibly hurt, frustrated and diminished. I did things I wasn't proud of, but the whole relationship was a mess. It took me quite a while to realise the relationship at its core was extremely unhealthy - he was poisonous to me. It felt like I was losing my sanity.

I don't know what happened last night - but you need to try to get to the core of the issue. Sure the drinking was bad but what went on underneath? Why did it escalate and you get so out of control?

And I hate to sound glib about alcohol, but having dealt with health professionals in this area, 4 cans of lager a night isn't the most extreme of drink habits. Sure its a dependency if you do it every night, but its addressable, if you really want to do so. Do you wake up needing a drink in the morning? Is it impacting on your daily life? I say this not to dismiss what happened last night or to minimise the harm - it is now harming your relationship and affecting your children. But addressing it is do-able. So before we catastrophise to the nth degree, you need to take a look at everything that is going on - in the relationship, how its affecting both of you and what changes you need to make together or apart. I just don't believe its one night - there's likely to be more going on. You being nailed to the cross for this wont get to the heart of the matter. Its too simplistic and probably doesn't really get to a true understanding of the dynamics and emotions that underpins it.

Last night could well be the symptom not the cause. And if you truly want to address it you need to get to a better understanding of what is going on. Just taking all the blame and beating yourself up wont do that.

Don't self flagellate yourself with this thread, only do that if you're looking to fall off the wagon.

You've got a problem, you know you've got a problem. Could you arrange some therapy? (Rather than listing to trite armchair diagnoses on here). It would help to understand the reasons you want the crutch of drink/weed and put other coping strategies in place.

Whilst it's not your partners fault what happened he did drink 4 pints then take one child out in the car when likely to be over the limit and left your mutual daughter in the house whilst you were very upset and not in control. He also is making very poor, dangerous decisions. Sounds like you're both better apart.

Sorry op, but do flagellate yourself.

You are very selfish and self absorbed. Your relationship is the least of your worries. You are abusing your child and the child in your care, both physically and mentally.

Physically by risking their lives being so drunk and unable to care for them properly whilst you are passed out or on a rant, and mentally by allowing them to see you like that and terrifying them.

It's actually disgusting behaviour and if you were a man your wife would have been advised to call the police and have you arrested and subsequently have you permanently removed.

You are an alcoholic and a very selfish one at that.

Sort yourself out now op.

What about the cheating accusations? Where have they come from?

You have had plenty of good advice but if you're going to get better long-term, you'll need to investigate the nature of your relationship with him; it doesn't sound particularly rosy?

If you can afford it, some individual counselling might help you (thinking the weed, now replaced with alcohol, your current relationship, watching your mother almost die from alcoholism.... These are all things a good counsellor could shed some light on and most importantly, help you change your perspective and your behaviour).

Naltrexone, @BettyBahooky will help you with your addiction issues.

It is so important to get this message out there.

This important drug is not pushed because

1. No pharmaceutical company owns the patent so no marketing because no profit motive.
2. its success rate threatens the multi billion dollar 12 step complete abstinence rehab industry.

The prescription opioid crisis in USA has got so bad rehab clinics are prescribing it along with 12 steps (the best model in my opinion). You deal with the physical addiction and then the spiritual pain that drives the addiction.

Please spread the word to anyone you know who battles with alcohol, heroin, cocaine or other addictions.

"basically reteaches the brain, with the help of medication, to not associate alcohol with pleasure. The idea is that you are not addicted to the actual alcohol, instead you are addicted to the pleasurable experience associated with drinking, that warm buzz you get after one (or more) drinks of your favorite hard beverage. By breaking the link between alcohol and pleasure, you will no longer feel the compulsion to drink or be unable to stop drinking once you start, the hallmarks of Alcohol Abuse ..."

www.workithealth.com/blog/what-is-the-sinclair-method-how-to-curb-drinking-without-giving-up-alcohol

@LadyHofH
*If the OP had posted that her DP had behaved like this - and with small children around - she would get a unanimous LTB. As it is, she's getting hugs and understanding.

Maybe these are deserved (who knows why people behave in strange and unpleasant ways?) - but there are definitely double standards here*

This is beyond true. Just proves that mumsnet really is sexist and no matter what, mumsnetters will always side with the women. Even when she is drunk and violent. Some posters even fucking blamed her partner for her actions, just cant avoid the man hating, eh?

Get your shit sorted out op, stop drinking, clean up your mess and prove you are safe for the children to be around but don't be surprised if you DP doesn't want to come back at all.

The primary concern should be for the children who are in the care of irresponsible adults. It’s just a matter of degrees on who is carelessly irresponsible and who is downright dangerous.

If either parent gave a damn about those children and not themselves they would call child services. It doesn’t take anyone else. Unfortunately I expect CS have more pressing cases than this and will accept the OPs regret and promises of sobriety. It’s already an inter generation problem and will be again.

But instead the OP begs the drunk boyfriend who triggers her binging and anger to come home. Oh yes and asks anonymous unqualified strangers on MN to help 🙄

no matter what, mumsnetters will always side with the women.

I haven’t seen this on this thread at all. You are conflating two different problems:

1. If the partner of the out-of-control drunk posts, the advice is usually LTB, i.e. leave your out-of-control drunk partner, and protect your children. Only consider embarking on a relationship with this person again after a long time has elapsed and this person has proven by their actions and track record that they have definitively overcome their alcohol problem.
2. If the out-of-contol drunk posts, the advice is usually, you must focus entirely on protecting your children and overcoming your alcohol addiction. You should only possibly consider/hope for a resumption of your relationship, after spending an extensive period out of the relationship and definitively dealing with and overcoming your problems.

The advice is different in each case because the position of the poster is different. The partner cannot address the drunk’s problems, so must extricate him or herself and leave. All the drunk can do is definitively address their problem and establish a long track record. Both are well advised to put the children first.

This is your wake up call, 4 cans a night is not what led you to your freak out. Im sure you had a fair bit more to drink that night. Sadly thats what often happens when we overdrink.. . We end up reacting in very fuck3d up ways that we wouldnt when sober. Give your partner time, he is upset, im sure (i hope he'll come around). Dont torture yourself, theres nothing you can do about whats happened but you can do a lot about what is to come. Also, its christmas and people tend to drink more than usual. Do address your drinking if you find youre not in control. Drinking daily its not healthy, you know that (even if more people that liked to admit it do that) Prove it to yourself you're not reliant on it to relax/go to slepp/wind down etc. If he is drinking daily too it might be harder to stop with him drinking around you. Anyways you have come to a very important realisation and thats what matters most because now you can start improving yourself, congratulations!

Hi op how are you feeling today ? The best advice I can give you is to write a text to your partner explaining everything. From why you think you drink to much to also saying that if he does want to come back in time he is going to have to stop drinking other wise this will never work . My auntie died from alcohol. But my uncle had issues with drink too so she never stopped and she died such a horrible death 😭. Not saying that will happen to you tho she was downing vodka like it was water 24-7 . I think this is a wake up call for you mind . I have been in your shoes . My father is an alcoholic. My mother has an unhealthy relationship with it so I grew up with it and my child hood wasn't the best because it turned her horrible. Violent . Me and my partner used to row after. Alcohol and I woke up exactly like you after a horrible night out together . It set my anxiety off and I didn't want to be that person no more . I don't even go out now because I hate the stuff that much. I will have one or two in the house for Christmas. Birthdays but never go over . And my relationship is so much better . And my mental health . In a few days youl feel a lot better too . Just think nearly everyone has got too drunk and flipped . So it's not just you . Have you heard anything off him yet xxx

Morning everyone. I woke up really early, heart racing could barely breathe - so not a great start to the day I've not heard from him at all... only an "I'm fine" text yesterday afternoon when I asked him to please just let me know he's ok, arrived safely. But nothing since. I sent him an email before bed last night (so I wouldn't be obsessing over those fucking 2 blue ticks on whatsapp) all I can do really is sit tight and try to stay calm for DDs sake. My drinking (actually our drinking) has been going on for some time now but I really blew us apart the other night. Feel so so stupid

OP I genuinely think you need to seek professional help with both your addictive traits and the underlying reasons for this. You mentioned a 7 year long addiction to cannabis, which it seems you have now replaced in some respects with alcohol. Can I ask, did your partner also use cannabis? The relationship itself does not sound healthy in that you are both using alcohol on a daily basis and you are clearly dependant on this relationship above all others, including with your daughter. The fact you have also binge drank to oblivion when you will have some level of tolerance based on your normal daily consumption is also very worrying and suggests you are losing, or have lost, control.

Your daughter deserves better. And YOU deserve better than this. The best advice you have been given on here so far is to seek professional support because you need to stop this destructive path now, for your daughter and for yourself. You do not need your partner to do this. It may even be beneficial for you to do this on your own.

I wish you the best of luck and genuinely hope that you seek the help and support you need to work through this and the underlying issues behind the misuse of substances.

I want to do this on my own. I have to, or I'll just keep going round in circles. My cannabis addiction was going on from before we got together, so addiction is something that is mine and mine alone. He did also use cannabis, but he has better will-power and strength to give things up, whereas I struggle. Which is hard for him. I'm so frustrated with myself that I didnt seek help sooner, but this being the straw that's broken the camel's back has forced me to see the road I'm heading down and take a long hard look at myself. I just wish I could've got to this stage without hurting the people I love and losing my mind.

That's such a cop out. The bullshit addict line of "I want to do this on my own" is a classic, but it's really just that you dont want to admit to anyone outside of your home that you have a problem. You dont want to answer to anyone when you slip up. You dont want to deal with.
You will probably give up for a couple of weeks but then you will have one drink, then it will be a couple of drinks and then you will be right back here.
"I want to do it alone" means you want to be able to drink when things get hard without having to face a professional and admit when it happens.

You have a very young child in the house. Both parents are drinking multiple cans of lager each night... and now you're smashing up the house.

Get professional help or report yourselves to social services because they kid is going to have serious issues growing up with 2 drunks for parents.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. But you can't change what has happened only what is going to happen. Use that as your driver to change so your future is better. Do seek support from your GP. Take one day at a time and take back control. Be kind to yourself and concentrate on the things you can change. You are not a bad person. You are in a bad situation. You can change this, one step at a time.

I want to do this on my own...I just wish I could've got to this stage without hurting the people I love and losing my mind.

You need to discuss this with an appropriate HCP such as your GP or a referral.

Even if you think you should/can/ought to do this on your own it seems that you're leaving the people you love out of the equation. You may need to reflect whether it's fair on them that you attempt to do this on your own or if you owe it to them to take advantage of whatever help and support is on offer.

OP this is an opportunity, take it! Don’t fall back into familiar patterns of promising to do different. Get professional support.

I don't think you realise the seriousness of this regarding your child and dsd. Both of you have behaved in a very scary and dangerous way. I can't believe he left a 4 year old with a mum who was incoherent and thrashed the place and I can't believe he drove with his child whilst he was drinking.

Your relationship is not the important thing here, it's sorting your and his issues out and making a safe and healthy environment for your children!