An opinion about no contact and over Xmas, I feel guilty!!

[Movingon83]

My stbex has be warned by my lawyer to not contact me or Ds (won’t go into why, long story, narcissist).

He was sent the letters 2 weeks ago. I felt bad as it’s Xmas so asked them to put in the letter he can come to my mums house Xmas eve to see him. He didn’t show up yesterday at all. He could have rang the lawyer 2 weeks ago if he couldn’t make it and ask for a different day, but didn’t.

Now he has sent me a msg just now saying he needs to see Ds please can I come and see him.

What do I do? He had the chance yesterday. I can’t reply to him as the lawyers have said no contact as I’ve requested he doesn’t contact me (he just coercively controls me).

But my emotions are getting the better of me as bloody usual and I feel bad as it’s Christmas. What should I do?

Ignore him. X

No contact, he’s trying to control you. He could have come yesterday but he chose not too because it was on your terms.

Ignore.

Don't go to his place. Don't answer him, and keep the message as evidence he has ignored your request to only have contact somewhere you have a witness and some control.
If he continues to message you, phone 111 and ask to speak to the domestic abuse team.

Sorry, that should have been 101, not 111.

Show ds it's OK to be in control of your own life.
Ignore him of course.

Ignore

So you offered him contact with his son in a setting where he would have no access to continue abusing you.

He ignored that and is now trying to manipulate you into doing the exact thing you don't want, which is to be alone with him.

Think why he has chosen to do this. It isn't about your son. It's about testing the degree of control he still has over you. Time to show him you are fighting off that control.

I feel so guilty stopping contact. The reasons are sound and on guidance from my lawyer as I’m incapable of making a decision because I’m too “nice”!!
I have just felt so guilty all day. Ds wants to see him, he is only little, doesn’t understand.

I thought maybe he didn’t come because I made the decision. I’ve given him many excuses but at the end of the day he didn’t show up or say he couldn’t do that day and ask for say Boxing Day. I would have agreed to that.

I’m seriously not capable of seeing the depths of this.
Which is why I’ve held my hands up to lawyer and said it’s in your hands now.

You need boundaries so ignore the text he has had 2 weeks to get in touch. He is doing this to show he's still in control...

He's totally doing this to exercise power. He chose not to have contact on the schedule offered deliberately, and is acting in order to get you to dance to his tune.

Ignore. He's making contact with you when he shouldn't. Block him and let your lawyer lead you.

If you reasons for withholding contact ar fine then you should not have contact.

If you allow contact it sets a precedence.

Just ignore texts.

I agree with other posters this isn’t about contact it’s about control x

Trust your lawyer, they will have seen all of this before.

Fear, Obligation, Guilt - FOG. Its how narcs keep control. You lose touch of who you are and how you feel, you lose all of your boundaries.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmail

''Narcissists aren't capable of something called 'object constancy'... It's normal to fight with your significant other, but narcissists can be incredibly cruel and threatening in heated situations....they cannot see you as somebody they love, and someone who has angered them at the same time.''
www.businessinsider.com/narcissism-object-constancy-2017-8?r=US&IR=T

psychcentral.com/blog/3-common-breakup-tactics-of-an-abusive-narcissist/

All I can think of is it’s been 2 weeks since Ds has seen his dad. And now it’s Christmas and I’ve stopped Ds from seeing him. I feel so crap right now regardless of the reasons or whether he turned up or not. I wish I couldn’t turn my emotions off.

*could turn them off!

The reasons contact has been stopped are presumably good ones. Don't undermine what you're trying to achieve.

No, thats not what happened. He was given reasonable access, and chose not to turn up. You didn't stop access.

You can't turn your emotions off but you can learn new ways to manage them. Start by looking at the way you think, and changing the script.

You haven’t stopped him seeing him though, he chose not to show up on the day given to him purely to manipulate you! Please be strong and block the areshole.

No, thats not what happened. He was given reasonable access, and chose not to turn up. You didn't stop access.

This.

Don't let yourself go soft because it's Christmas. You know the reason the lawyer has advised this. Presuming it's for your and dcs safety.

Well it's time to step up and protect your DS so the being 'nice' has to stop.

Get some counselling asap after Christmas. You need to learn about the abuse and control he has on you. There's obviously a good reason he isn't to have contact. Keep that at the forefront of your mind. Your ex's feelings are of no concern to you now so stop feeling guilty.

Ignore and do not feel guilty. Sometimes you need to put the welfare of your kids over a temporary gratification. Sometimes children need to be protected from their own parents unfortunately.

Yes there are many reasons why it’s stopped. For my health and my sons health, most importantly his safety. Like you said I had boundaries but I didn’t trust them. I let many things happen that I knew shouldn't have but I didn’t trust myself to say it out loud. He would bombard me with horrid abuse when I brought it up, made me question my mothering skills, everything I was saying.
Until I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
To be honest I still don’t so it’s up to lawyer now. And it only states until the reasons why it’s stopped are fixed, not indefinitely. I doubt they will be fixed tho but I hope they can be so that Ds can have a relationship with his dad.