An opinion about no contact and over Xmas, I feel guilty!!

[Movingon83]

My stbex has be warned by my lawyer to not contact me or Ds (won’t go into why, long story, narcissist).

He was sent the letters 2 weeks ago. I felt bad as it’s Xmas so asked them to put in the letter he can come to my mums house Xmas eve to see him. He didn’t show up yesterday at all. He could have rang the lawyer 2 weeks ago if he couldn’t make it and ask for a different day, but didn’t.

Now he has sent me a msg just now saying he needs to see Ds please can I come and see him.

What do I do? He had the chance yesterday. I can’t reply to him as the lawyers have said no contact as I’ve requested he doesn’t contact me (he just coercively controls me).

But my emotions are getting the better of me as bloody usual and I feel bad as it’s Christmas. What should I do?

I need to see other people are like me. I speak to my friends but they don’t understand, why would they. Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world.

My friends tell me don’t worry he won’t go to court, he won’t do this, do that, he won’t make you spend all his and your money. I try to explain what I’m just comprehending. YES he will, there is only one thing he values more then money (and he is obsessed by it) and that’s making sure I get none of it! I must not win.
I’ve already won tho as I left the bastard.

Well alll groups are different but i cant imagine any involve standing up and speaking. We just sat around drinking coffee eating biscuits and going through a workbook, talking about the issues raised. You can say as much or as little as you like.

There were only about 6 -8 of us. Lots of women came irregularly.

The first time i went some of the women were talking about very extreme physical violence from their ex and I thought “ what am I doing here ? “ because my partner was more like yours - aggressive , intimidating, manipulative, bullying and controlling. But he never properly hit me . So it took me a while to realise that it was abuse.

But as I listened i saw that the personalities were the same and the objective - control - was the same. I just had a more middle class abuser but it was still abuse.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book “ why does he do that? “ . I think you can get free downloads online now.

I have just ordered the paperback. Kindle makes my eye go funny.

I feel like that now about not experiencing physical violence. He would threaten it, wave knives around in arguments if he was doing something eg. He always told me that I was lucky as some women experience much worse then him (that’s how he justifies it to himself).....great. Friends always say at least he didn’t hit you. But they were punches, just without physical scars.

I went to the group Freedom Programme - I would say that it is WAY more effective than doing it online because you get to see all these different women, from all walks of life, from different places in their lives but ALL having gone through exactly what you are going through

You will find their stories harrowing, you will find some of the sessions exhausting and upsetting. BUT..... it's the safest place you'll ever find to work through what has happened to you.

You'll see that all these amazing women all had the same stuff done to them, that will help you see and really understand that none of this was anything YOU caused. You will see that it was the abuser's choice to control you/them, and often using exactly the same techniques as each other.

You don't have to talk unless you want to, you can ask questions and share only what you want to. I would say that the more you participate though, the more you will get out of it as more will resonate with you.

One thing that never ceased to surprise me was how someone telling you their story, you will be horrified at the things they have heard/seen/experienced, but they will often recount this calmly. You will then talk about things that happened to you and THEY will be horrified at the abuse YOU have suffered and their hearts will melt for you.

The Freedom programme is by no means a golden bullet, you have to put a lot of work into get this poison out of your system, but it's a bloody good start for your journey to recovery.

We're all here for you to help you work through this stuff if you need it and don't forget you can always call women aid to talk things through

I will also state that bruises heal, emotional scars don't heal until you make them better.

Your friends have a lot to learn and more to keep quiet about

I feel like that now about not experiencing physical violence. He would threaten it, wave knives around in arguments if he was doing something

Abuse is something that starts out almost imperceptibly and then escalates. So if you DIDN'T back down/submit etc at some point he WOULD get physical to MAKE you do what he wanted you to do.

Abusers do whatever it takes - the minimum it takes to get you to do what they want you to do. So if "do this or I'll leave you works' that's what he'll threaten.

"do this or I'll tell all your friends/family/kids what kind of whore/slag/slut/bitch/liar you are"

"If you don't call me and answer my 150 scullion calls per hour if you dare to go out, I'll be gone by the time you get back'

"If you don't back down/do as I say, I'll use this knife/fist etc.."

When you get the Lundy Bancroft book you will see just how these pathetic individuals are all the same and that the only way to deal with them is to NOT deal with them. Grey rock, ignore them and remove all power from them.

If he does try the legal bullying route, you can potentially look at getting Legal Aid, AND you can get a lot of things done yourself with minimum back up from a lawyer. You can speak to Rights of Women they have legal teams to help abuse victims, you can ask CAB to help too, you have options.

And you have us too :D. don't be afraid of him. He bullies out of weakness and fear, not strength and power. You have shown the world that actually YOU have more strength than he does... He underestimated you - that is why he's pissed off!

He spent all that time grooming you to put up with his shit, now you have dumped him he has to find some other mug to bully, and he will have to pretend to be nice for aaaaages to get a new victim.

These abusers are awful people, being nice for them is tortuous and they find it as exhausting as we do to be tough and 'mean'.

The absolute best thing I have done is to stop him contacting me and to finally block his number. I should have taken that advice months ago but wasn’t ready. Stopping contact with Ds is necessary at the moment.

I feel more sure of my decisions.

I can’t believe after everything, every bloody argument it was me who went crawling, crying back to him, begging him to take me back and that I’d change. I’m annoyed with that women!

Oh love, bashing yourself won’t help!

Learn, understand that you were operating with poison in your system, now you’re clean.

New leaf and all that! You’re doing very well indeed!

I do understand, I just can’t believe I wasted so much time and energy on him. I’m 35, I’ve damaged my health (life among problems), my teeth. I never cared about myself for 12 years, I really let parts of myself go and I’m ashamed. Also worried about whether things I’ve neglected can be fixed and the moneys and pain to fix it. At the same time I have no choice but to fix it all.

But don’t worry because I’m working through fixing everything, just slowly

And you will too.

When my ex left, the immediate period after was excruciating!

I felt monumentally stupid, absolutely disgusted with myself for being such a fool.

BUT - and you will come to get this - the only mistake you made was to trust someone who wasn't trustworthy, you gave him chances but he didn't want to make you happy. He's the broken one.

Yup you will take a long time to get everything fixed, it will take an enormous amount of energy, and you will be angrier than you have ever been at the injustice of it all.

Then you will come through the worst, you will find a way to forgive yourself and you will start to see that you're good enough! Good enough for you, for your DC, and if anyone disagrees they can FTFO.

Please have faith, you will need it! Faith in yourself, faith in the fact that you will find peace and happiness eventually is the only thing that you can hold onto.

Great posts MzHz. You write from the 💖

Yes I ready do appreciate all your posts. It’s nice (not nice that you have experienced this) but nice to hear from people who have been in the same situation.

I read a quote not long ago it said “the first time a person shows you who they are, believe them” if only eh!

I remember hearing that for the first time! It’s so powerful!

One of my friends sent me a card that had a whole bunch of her favourite quotes and poems to remind me that love is kind and makes us feel great and not to give up on it.

Thanks @IM0GEN :) I made it through this bit of my past with only mumsnet to talk to aside from therapy, I didn’t know it would get better, I just survived at the time. I know MNers were there for me then and I remember how much it helped. I just want @Movingon83 to know that it’ll all be ok.

Another phrase I recall was:
“It’ll be alright in the end. If it’s not alright yet, it’s not the end”

You sooo got this @Movingon83

I don’t know what school to put down for ds, he starts in September. I’ve been racking my brains for months. Do I put the school closest to where I am now or to the other house. They are very similar schools, I like both. If I lived in the house it’s just 4 houses away to school I wouldn’t need to worry about dropping off and rushing to work! I’m going to fight for the house. Unless he draws it out and it needs to be sold to pay lawyers!!! I don’t know why I say “unless” he will drag it out!

Put the school close to your current address I think.

Good luck. Stay strong

I was talking at work to friends and was partly joking about signing up to a dating website. Another friend said it would be good for the chat, might help with my confidence. Another colleague then said it wouldn’t be fair me in my “condition” on the other man. Being that I’m too damaged at the moment and not in the right state. Jesus was a bit brutal.

Tbh it takes a long time to get over being in an abusive relationship and it takes so much time and emotional effort to deal with this type of man. You really don't need the added stress of dating atm. It's best to get to know yourself again before you bother about dating again.

I think your friend meant well, but you’re not ready yet love! You are far too vulnerable, too raw and bruised.

This will not last forever, and to fix it takes time, takes you having a lot of conversations with yourself and learning to love who you are for you.

Even if Mr Absolutely Perfect was to knock on your door, YOU are not ready! You’d not be HIS Ms Absolutely Perfect. You’d also probably not even realise who was Absolutely Perfect anyway, this takes the time for you to understand where your boundaries are, what’s important for you and how you need to be valued and treated.

One day at a time.

I was really only joking it’s not my kind of thing I’d be terrible anyway!

But my dentist on the other hand is rather dreamy...... but he is married I’ll just stick with my unrealistic fantasy for now... I’m definitely not ready for any of that!!!

It’s the way of the world these days love... you may not be ready, but it’s the most usual way to meet people these days, you just have to learn how it works

Actually looking at other people and feelings attraction is part of the recovery :)

It’s baby steps :)

Yep I was quite proud of myself that I found another man attractive. Even though it’s from afar because I thought that part of me was dead forever!!!!

I have parts of the day where I’m actually quite happy. But that I think its because I have no contact with him. What happens when (and it will soon) he has contact with Ds again. I don’t want or think I can look at him ever again.

I stupidly thought we could be “friends” at the beginning of all this but we can’t, I know that now. He will always try and manipulate me and I will always know what he did to me. Does this fade? Will there be a chance to co-parent or will he use Ds to get to me. Will I be strong enough to look at him one day and go urgh, don’t care!!!

I don't think you'll ever be able to trust him - he's not like you. He cares about control and power, and about getting you to dance to his tune - that won't change. He may find another target that he will focus on more if you're boring and don't feed his drama. I think your best hope is to be able to "grey rock" him and get on with life with as little disruption/interest from him as possible.

I do think you'll get to happy indifference about him.

Just checking you have your school application in as the deadline is Wednesday.