An opinion about no contact and over Xmas, I feel guilty!!

[Movingon83]

My stbex has be warned by my lawyer to not contact me or Ds (won’t go into why, long story, narcissist).

He was sent the letters 2 weeks ago. I felt bad as it’s Xmas so asked them to put in the letter he can come to my mums house Xmas eve to see him. He didn’t show up yesterday at all. He could have rang the lawyer 2 weeks ago if he couldn’t make it and ask for a different day, but didn’t.

Now he has sent me a msg just now saying he needs to see Ds please can I come and see him.

What do I do? He had the chance yesterday. I can’t reply to him as the lawyers have said no contact as I’ve requested he doesn’t contact me (he just coercively controls me).

But my emotions are getting the better of me as bloody usual and I feel bad as it’s Christmas. What should I do?

That's because he probably didn't see a solicitor. I mean, presumably you only know he saw one because he said so? (And this is over the Xmas period. Would he get an appointment that quick?)

He's not actually interested in seeing your son, he's interested in power trips and messing with your head.

I remember someone telling me a while ago that he will never let go of the level of investment he believes he put into the relationship. He only ever put in what suited him tho. He thinks I owe him.

I just want to be normal. I’m spending a few days with my brother and his family and I’m so jealous of how “normal” they are. Normal as in they love each other. My brother works and his wife looks after 2 boys. He never says to her she does nothing, all the money is his etc. I wanted that.

OP I know it's a bit late but how old is your ds?

I'm in a slightly different situation but when my kids were younger (youngest was 8) their dad dropped contact off to just a couple of visits a year. My counsellor told me to stop feeling guilty and frame it back on him, eg-

Dc - when are we seeing daddy?
Me - I don't know, he's not been in touch
Dc - why won't you take us?
Me - daddy hasn't said he's free

See also
He's not got back to me about seeing you
He's not made any plan with me
I'm waiting for my friend (solicitors name) to tell me when it's OK for you to go to daddy's
(solicitors name) told me that it's not safe for you to be at daddy's, remember the cigarette lighter/carpet/drunk driving thing? I need to make sure you're safe etc

Look at your brother, look at your SIL.

Don’t be jealous, be INSPIRED!

Your SIL (who I’m sure is perfectly lovely) is nobody special or had been chosen by a higher being to live better than others ... like YOU for example

You CAN and will have a good relationship, you can be happy, loved, respected and valued

How? You start by valuing yourself, loving and respecting yourself enough to make boundaries and standards for the way others treat you.

So you’ve been away from your abuser for a couple of weeks.

By now you’ll see that you feel less stressed, perhaps too that your ds is a little less tense than he would have been.

Take this recovery day by day, but make sure that you remain aware of how you’re doing, it’ll keep you going forward.

Your ds will miss his dad, but you can say his dad is away at the moment and as soon as is possible he’ll be able to see him, but that things are a bit more complicated and it needs a few more grownups to sort the details out.

A HEALTHY relationship with a father is what is to be encouraged and preserved, your ex is using potential contact to abuse you, and therefore his own son. It’s not safe to allow contact- so tell that to anyone who offers their opinions. I hope your brother isn’t under any illusions as to the monster that this man is?

Get yourself onto the freedom programme (in person ideally) it’s not the magic bullet, but it will help you see that they’re all the same and that no matter what you do, nothing will ever change

I’m 8 years on from where you are now... if you could see through the screen you wouldn’t believe the transformation- I have to pinch myself too sometimes

How did I get here? By working hard in the freedom programme, reading a lot of books like Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, I went to a free dv counsellor AND paid for individual therapy.

Then dust settled and eventually I started dating, it was hard, scary to begin with, I had a lot of emotional bumps and grazes, but learned a lot along the way

My dp isn’t a perfect being, but he’s perfect for me and me for him.

My son has very little to do with his dad, but that’s CIA his dad couldn’t be bothered to put the time in when ds wanted to connect, and now ex is fishing for contact and ds is completely nonplussed

My dp is a far better dad to ds than ds dad was or ever would be.

You CAN do this. Have faith!

Listen to the lawyer, let them protect you until you get the hang of it yourself

Please do the freedom programme , as a PP said.

You have done a good job this week . You have put your sons safety and well being ahead of your own feelings. You have prioritised him over your own feelings.

You need to go on doing this.

Thanks that’s all great advice.

I look back on the past 15 years and I see a person who had no personal boundaries what so ever. I really don’t know why I didn’t. I put up with things that I no now were absolutely wrong. I guess you let the first incident go then another and another until all the lines have been crossed. I wanted to HELP my husband, why I don’t know. I did not grow up in a family like I chose with him.

That’s EXACTLY the way it happens love.

They don’t do all the nasty stuff on day one, to begin with it’ll be a reaction that you weren’t quite expecting, not being as pleased for you about something as you thought they’d be. That’s how it starts.

You have to look back at your upbringing and see if there is something there that taught you that you weren’t entitled to have your own opinions, views, wants and needs.

Realising you’re in an abuse situation is like turning over a giant rock, there’s all kinds of stuff underneath it and you have to deal with it all.

This is a journey to a much happier and healthier you, you’ll even become a much better woman and mother when you’re further down the line.

Not saying you’re not “good” now, it’s just that when we’re stressed or fearful we can’t make the best decisions sometimes, when you’re calm, safe and content, you’ll breathe easier and life won’t be such an ordeal

As I say, this is the BEGINNING of the journey, yep you’ll be fed up and tired along the way, but focus on the prize, you living in happiness, loving and being loved by those with you.

Thank god you’re out and safe!

Mumsnet is a lifeline for situations like this, lean as heavily as you need to! Don’t ever give up until you have the life you want to have!

Is there still a thread for post abusive relationship support? It was a godsend for me when I was just “out”

My mum was very critical growing up. My brother doesn’t have a very tight bond with her. She liked everything her way, no deviations at all. Nothing to this day is really good enough for her now. I do as much as I can for her and get nothing nice in return. It may come from my need to constantly please her. A few years ago I lost my dad. He wasn’t critical at all, he found my mum very difficult at times. I used to hide a lot from my mum. I didn’t get any emotional support from her growing up. She didn’t know any of what was happening in my relationship. I hid it from everyone. She never liked him tho, right from the start.

I was in a relationship before this one for 4 years, that was “normal”.

I look back on the past 15 years and I see a person who had no personal boundaries what so ever. I really don’t know why I didn’t. I put up with things that I no now were absolutely wrong. I guess you let the first incident go then another and another until all the lines have been crossed

Thing is, when you are child free, that’s your choice. To live like that or get help ( counselling, therapy ) and work on yourself to change.

When you are a mum, you can’t go on putting your own needs ( to help others , be a nice person / good wife / obedient daughter , avoid conflict, feel good about yourself , assuage your guilt ) above your son’s best interest.

When you gave birth to him you took on the duty to do what best for HIM, not what makes you feel comfortable.

Of course that duty extends to dads too but sadly in our society so many men are feckless bastards who walk away from their kids.

So it’s up to mums - unfair but that’s the reality.

You need to stop saying “ ooh dear if I don’t do what my ex wants I will feel so guilty poor little me “ .

You need to say to yourself

“ why do I feel guilty ? Of yes I remember, it’s because I’ve spent all these years being gaslighted by ex into thinking that he must always get him own way. But in my head I know that I am being a smart woman - I am listening to my solicitor who is very wise and experienced and is doing what’s best for ME his client and MY CHILD.

“ so I will tell these guilty feelings to fuck right off. Because I’m a good mum, my child is my priority now, not Bastard STBX” .

And then you will fill your heart and mind and life with good things about your son, your work , your friends and your future. And you will not give your exs feelings a second thought. Because he is a grown man who is very very good at looking after number one.

When you child says “ why can’t we see dad today ? “ you will give him one of your set answers , which you will have practiced. Then you will distract him with some sweets and a game / trip to the park / whatever.

You are right. And as time passes and I see the real man I feel guilty less and less. I do still feel like I am half to blame for thinking we had the right relationship to bring children into. None of this is little Ds’s fault yet he is being effected because his dad is trying to make me suffer therefore he does.

I’m doing the best I can at shielding him from everything. I’m not going to lie I’m finding it hard. He has health problems, sleeps terrible, I don’t sleep. My husband won’t leave the family home so I’m having to rent. I’m spending everything I have spare in trying to get him out of the house so we can move back. He was sent a letter to leave the house from lawyer immediately with the no contact letter. Hasn’t done anything about any of it.

So this man won’t move out the family home, forcing his child to move and all the instability that causes ? The more you write about him, the worse he sounds.

And there’s no point in blaming yourself for not seeing what a shit your ex was before you had a child with him. You are not the first woman to be fooled by a charming act and sadly you won’t be the last. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Yes he really is a terrible father. I think what happened was before I went to the lawyer and they sent the no contact letters out he had sent me a barrage of msgs accusing me of using out son against him. I think it has got to me a bit and every-time he sends me msgs he puts doubts in my mind (hence getting the no contact) So now I think am I really doing this because I’m angry or because it’s the best at the moment for ds’s welfare and safety. I know the answer. To be honest I don’t really feel any anger towards him. I just no that I must have absolutely no contact with him so I can grow on my boundaries and re-grow my instincts.

Ok well he had been to a solicitor and I have a letter. He is denying everything and demanding contact or will take me to court.
He will also not leave the property and he will fight me in court.

Give it to your solicitor and let them handle it.

I'd be prepared to offer supervised contact at a contact centre on a regular schedule, or something like that. But get an appointment with your solicitor and let them guide you.

So let a judge sort it out.

He claimed he didn’t turn up Christmas Eve because he felt too awkward. I don’t believe it to be true. Then text me the next day to see him.

I would be absolutely fine with supervised at the moment but I don’t think he will agree. He wants regular unsupervised access. Before it was never regular, it was always when he didn’t have anything better to do.

He also won’t leave the property because he needs to stay there so he can go to work. Why can’t he just rent so our son can be in his home.

Don't be so wet. So what if its xmas, he didn't turn up to see his child so its his problem and nobody elses, he clearly doesn't give a shit about xmas or your child or he would have turned up like a normal person would.
Coercive control all over again making you run around like a fool after him and he expects you to feel guilty also.
You need to stop this and he needs to fall into line.

So shall I let him take me to court?

He also won’t leave the property because he needs to stay there so he can go to work. Why can’t he just rent so our son can be in his home.

Because he doesn't care about either of you, just himself. The only language he will understand is courts and lawyers.

Yes, let hin take you to court. you arranged a date and he didn't contact you or turn up. The courts take a very dim view of that especially when there is coercive control involved. I am speaking from experience here.

Narcissists do love a court hearing so they can turn up and make it all about them. The judge will see right through it.

Don't waste your energies with his bullshit - just let your solicitor take the lead and the courts will sort it out. It will probably be for the best that it gets dealt with formally. You have as much of a claim on the home as he does, potentially more.

If you feel like you need to do something right now, think about evidence to back-up that he's unsafe as a father - dates timelines texts etc for incidents. But don't respond to the letter or to him yourself.

The solicitor he went to see will they give him honest advice or will they tell him to fight me. Or does he just tell them false stories

so it’s up to lawyer now.

So stop worrying and angsting and do exactly what the lawyer says

Otherwise it really does sound like you're choosing to enable and empower your ex