An opinion about no contact and over Xmas, I feel guilty!!

[Movingon83]

My stbex has be warned by my lawyer to not contact me or Ds (won’t go into why, long story, narcissist).

He was sent the letters 2 weeks ago. I felt bad as it’s Xmas so asked them to put in the letter he can come to my mums house Xmas eve to see him. He didn’t show up yesterday at all. He could have rang the lawyer 2 weeks ago if he couldn’t make it and ask for a different day, but didn’t.

Now he has sent me a msg just now saying he needs to see Ds please can I come and see him.

What do I do? He had the chance yesterday. I can’t reply to him as the lawyers have said no contact as I’ve requested he doesn’t contact me (he just coercively controls me).

But my emotions are getting the better of me as bloody usual and I feel bad as it’s Christmas. What should I do?

Well, he's going to tell them his version which is going to cast him as the maligned hero of his own lunchtime and you as the unreasonable harpy. The solicitor may or may not believe him, but he'll be their client. The solicitor will give him options and will recommend courses of action.

I don't think you should be afraid of going to court.

OP - the only answer to his letter is 'see you in court'.

A judge will not be fooled by his protestations of how much he wants to see ds (but can't be bothered) or how much he needs to be in the house (when he can rent somewhere else easier that you 2 can)

Put it in the hands of the lawyers.

Let him take you to court. And see what a little puffed-up prick he is. And watch when the judge squashes him down to size. that is what you need to see - the self-importance and bullying squashed out of him. Prick.

Koko.

He says in the letter how me and Ds can quite happily move back in with him there as he poses no threat!!!!!! Really! He is delusional.

Let him take you to court, just stick with your boundary line and imagine all the Mumsnetters linking arms with you singing we will not be moved.

You offered him contact, he didn't show up. He chose not to see his son because it would be too awkward. Boo bloody hoo, he's a grown man and getting to see his son should be a bigger prize than feeling awkward.
He's yanking your chain and the more you ignore him the harder he will pull. I'm hoping you get a switched on judge that can see right through his lies and you get to move back into your home and get supervised contact for your son to see his Dad.

He can 'tell the judge false stories and lies' but I think most of then were not born yesterday. They will have seen it all before, and they will of course have your side too.

And at the end of the day, it will be in the best interests of your child, not for him. Or you, come to that.

I think it would be a good idea to reinforce your worries about safe-guarding of your ds, to your solicitor.

I guess he really believes that he is the victim. Deep down I thought maybe he would get bored or see the light. So he will take this all through the courts then, what a jerk!

At the end of he day I want Ds to be with him and I spend those days worry free and Ds comes home happy and safe and then repeat. That is all I want.

He also is unaware that due to mumsnetters I have endless photos and evidence and doctors notes and hundreds of disgusting msgs with my only reply, this is toxic let’s just resolve this for our son. Msgs trying to get him to download the family app for arranging contact, he wouldn’t download... all this backing me up.

He is trying to cross boundaries. He could be planning on doing something to you and your kid if you meet with him. Be very careful.

I would never go move in with him. He has smashed half the house up anyway. And he says he is safe to live with.

You've got this, OP. Stay strong.

Ok so I agree to supervised contact on these terms.....other wise see you in court and see you in court for the house.

I want us to go home. Ds starts infants in sept. I didn’t know what school to apply for, where I’ll live.

Speak to your solicitor before you do anything.

Yes I will only communicate via my solicitor now.

Stop thinking of your ex. You've obviously done all this for a reason and it's on HIM not to miss visits and offer ridiculous excuses. You let it go to court and get sorted becouse hes delusional if he thinks hes gone to keep your house and get to see his son. They wont take kindly to him missing his visit harassing you and having his son live in rented housing. Its shows his selfishness.
I'd suggest therapy to help you rebuild yourself as you sound like you've been worn down and could do with being built back up. Dont give in and just let your solicitor sort it all or what's the point in having one?

It’s been a year. I want this over now and it looks like it won’t be anytime soon. In the meantime he doesn’t give a crap about the house, or anyone. I try and hold it back so as not to get consumed but I’m beginning to hate this man and I never wanted to for the sake of Ds. He will just not let this be over. He always said if I ever left him he would make me suffer.

I look back and think court had always been the only option.

Yes court is the only option.

It’s sad but you cannot control his actions

Have you sorted any counselling for yourself?? I really think it would help you get through this

It’s on my list. We have been away for a few days so I’m back today. Monday first thing!!!

I need to go to court to get all the suffering validated to be able to move on. He is delusional! I am delusional thinking he would wake up and see the light, its so freaking bright how can he miss it!!!!
But I’m the one who needs to wake up. I need to start finding money, quick!!!!

Booked onto the freedom programme, starts in a week. It’s a group thing

That's great .

And I’ve ordered the book I was recommended. Inside the mind of angry controlling men. Time to heal inside and out! I want to have a better life now enough wallowing in self pity!

The group course is excellent, so much better than doing it on on your own. You will meet other amazing women on the course and although their stories will be different from yours, you will quickly see the similarities and patterns in behaviour.

Just to warn you - after each session you will be completely drained for the rest of the day , it’s exhausting, emotional work ( although you will laugh a lot ! ). So try to organise something peaceful and relaxing for the rest of that day/ evening , if you can. I found I needed time and space to process everything and I wrote out pages of thoughts / feelings to get them clear in my head.

Yes I’m a note writer also so will probably end up writing it all down. Do you have to stand up and speak. I’m a bit nervous already!!