Major Xmas dilemma!

[OdeToDiazepam]

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

But doesn't he owe your dad about £12000?!?! Or am I confusing you with someone else?

Idk if that last post made sense, he'd live in us for years for work but from here, where relatives and friends knew him well he was staying here over summer where we met but intermittently going back to us then decided to move everything and his dc back here permanently

He owes my dad 900 still

Why on earth are you putting your kids through this? Grow up and be a parent, protect your kids from this nightmare.

You clearly would rather be with your Dad so just tell him.

He says my plan for Christmas doesn't take his wishes into consideration

Well his plan doesn't take your wishes into consideration, so fuck that logic. When he says 'we should make decisions together' he means you should go along with the decisions he has made. Be very careful of that.

So he owes money to your dad and you're worried that if you dump him your father won't get his money back.

Doesn't that tell you a lot about what kind of person he is?

It sounds as though you are desperate for a relationship, and anyone will do! You need to concentrate on making yourself and your children happy - not this man. Being miserable every time you are there - doesn't that tell you something? I'm sorry, but you are being an idiot and I'm beginning to think you just like the drama of it all.

Have only read first page but im getting severe cocklodger vibes here. Get rid.

His life sounds a bit chaotic tbh, cant afford furniture but has a litter of puppies .

Maybe I'm wrong but at the very least let your kids wake up and open thier presents at home. Or ask them for thier opinions?
Have dinner at home then head over, dont facillitate xmas for him. I guess you'd be cooking?

You say he’s repaid you and your father a few hundred pounds? And in exchange he’s got a Christmas tree, a television, and - almost - your expenditure on food, domestic labour, cooking, provision of presents for his children and continuing transport for his family.

Well it seems straight forward to me. Dress up warm, thermal undies, dont take heaps of stuff, leave some presents behind for Boxing Day at your parents, help him tidy the kitchen a bit to cook a basic Christmas Dinner nothing too fancy, even finger food or eat dinner on your lap. walk the dogs afterwards with all the Children. You dont need lots of stuff, you dont need TVs, Computers, or I pods, you can Sing Carols play Charades, and other games. At night, cosy up in bed with Bf early and enjoy christmas. Be adventurous, leave your comfort zone for at least on night.

I am mostly sympathetic to mumsnet posters. Most come with problems that we could all relate to. You are the exception. You have a 'relationship' with a cocklodger...who isn't lodging with you, and you are thinking of prioritising him over your family. You have allowed him to take advantage of your father, and you are allowing his kids to bully yours...he wants you to pay for the food, and act as a loan service/ or mediator to your father's bank account. He is a loser with financial troubles, and you should be careful as you are heading for a life of misery with him. He is a user and no self respecting adult would borrow money like he does. A sex toy and batteries are way less expensive.

If you have no self esteem to see how he is using you, then think about your kids and what is in their best interests. You are sending a loud message that their happiness and welfare are way down the list compared to Romeo down the road who has no food, and treats you like a pay-day loan service.

For reference, I dumped a would-be cocklodger this year who always banged on about his views, his interests, his kid, his needs, his financial distress, my need for him...best decision I ever made. Being a single parent is way better than blending families with different aspirations and values. Some people can be very cheeky with your resources, if you let them...take note.

There's so much anxiety around this relationship for you and a lot of it is piled on to you by him.
Especially the part where he says that if the relationship ends he can destroy people and issues with abandonment. He has a serious problem and you are in the firing line.
You are going to have to remain pretty calm and stick to your guns about Christmas. He's going to being really pissed that you have not followed his plans for Christmas.
Could you not get another tree for your dad's house(e.g a real one from B&Q) because I can see there being a major issue when you try and get it back.
This guy sounds unstable and you are walking on eggshells and don't even live together.
It's a good job you've got your dad because I think you would be extremely vulnerable if you had to deal with him on your own.

You need to distance yourself as best you can from him and do what's best for you and your DCs.

This man is dangerous, he has sole custody of his children, that coupled with his abusive comments about destroying people who try to leave him, tells me he did exactly that to his ex, he destroyed her and took her children from her.

If you have a child with this man, ad try to leave- then he may try to destroy you and take that child from you whilst creating awful lies about you and your children. You are in a very dangerous situation here, I advise you contact woman’s aid for advice as this man is not going to let go of you easily - he has told you as much!

He is a very dangerous man- a psychopath even and he clearly wields a great deal of control over you. You cannot trust a single word that he has told you about his past and previous relationships. But his words of threat that he would destroy you if you left him- he is deadly serious there!

Please talk to your Dad! Forget the Christmas tree- it’s not important, neither is the tv or the money, I would be happy to pay that and more to get my daughter away from an abusive psychopath! Your Dad clearly loves you! Talk to him, ask for his help and support in breaking away from this man! Please contact Woman’s Aid- you need help and support to break away from this relationship and you need to get onto the freedom program!

Apologies for repeating - I really shouldn’t post this late!

You are batshit. He has your Christmas tree while your own family goes without? Your poor kids. It must be painfully obvious to them that you put him and his kids before them. What a ridiculous situation to have put your kids in.

You didn’t see the OP’s previous thread, did you Notodontidae?

It's been my observation that people who are basically skint yet have a dog and puppies bring chaos into the lives of everyone they have relationships with. I believe this thread has borne out my observation.

I have a few questions:
How did he get his kids to the UK from the US? Or did they live in the UK all the time?
Where is their mother?
Did he live and work illegally or legally in the US? Does he have citizenship or a Green Card?
What work did he do in the US?

You say before he moved he had loads of money and paid for stuff then was suddenly here with no money,
Does this not make you a bit suspicious of him?
What stuff did he pay for?
Did you see any of it or is it that he was talking about a life in the US with no money problems?

Why is he borrowing £1300 from you and your dad (or is it 900 plus 1300?) in such a short amount of time (a few weeks)?

What does his company do?
What does he personally do for work, in the company?
Who are his clients?

How does he work without transport?

From your description of the unhappiness you feel, I don't think this is the man for you. You feel miserable when you are at his house.

I hope you will end the relationship. You don't owe him or his children anything.

You said : 'If I don't do dinner for them I doubt they'd have Christmas dinner at all'

So if you don't make dinner for them, they'll do fuck all. This man is a shitty father. Most parents will go without for weeks to give their kids some kind of Christmas. This bloke's done nothing and is expecting you to pickup the pieces.

Keep your children away from him. He's toxic

@ MsPepperPotts. I sort of agree with you, but this close to Christmas, OP should see how it goes on Christmas Day, don't do anything extreme now, it could ruin Christmas for your children, and ATM they seem content with going there. If it's not going to work gradually distance yourself, and make a new years resolution. If you decide to split, ensure the debt is repaid beforehand, and that he does not have a duplicate key.

In light of Caledoniahasmyheartforever, please just forget about the tree and the TV.

Write them both off as "hopefully the only cost of breaking up with this man".

Please don't underestimate the danger you are in.

You should also consider reporting him to Social Services as he is not taking care of his children.

Have a look at this:
outofthefog.website/what-it-feels-like

@ SurpriseSparDay. No I didn't, was it about this particular individual, or some nut case?

OP, I've been trying to think what to write in order to help you here. Maybe it would help to have a think about how someone who is loving and caring and resourceful would behave in some of the situations you describe?

Eg.
Has a dog... gets it spade/castrated.
Has a cold house... looks on freecycle/fb or, borrows a heater from a friend or, buys a cheap heater or, collects wood and lights a fire.
Doesn't have a Christmas tree... anticipates that Christmas is coming and scours car boots/charity shops/fb for a bargain. Makes decorations with the children.
GF's coming round for dinner... you clean up a bit before she comes, prioritise being with her, make her a lovely meal and treat her respectfully.
GF tells you she's cold... you make every effort to warm the place up and/or offer her a blanket and cuddle.
GF tells you she wants to spend Christmas Day at home... you respect that and make your own plans whilst also making plans to spend time together which suit all of you.

You sound scared to be yourself with him which is very concerning.

Even without that, it sounds like being with him is a step down in many ways for you - more of a drain on you and your family than a benefit. You deserve more.