Major Xmas dilemma!

[OdeToDiazepam]

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

@ Clymene . TBH, some mums can’t cook a Christmas dinner either, nothing wrong with a Salad, its very nutritious and healthier than Christmas Dinner and Christmas Pudding. OP said the Children liked going there, so it can’t be all bad. Kids are a good judge of Teachers and Parents.

The individuals are the same. It may be that in the last one the OP still had possession of her TV.

He wants you to take his wishes into account but isn't bothered about taking your wishes into account.

It sounds as if you want to leave but are frightened. It really doesn't sound a good relationship.

The kids are adopted they and him are dual citizenship

His car and work are in America he's employed there

I've had a conversation with him and asserted my boundaries that we're doing Christmas separately. I'm taking the tree back tomorrow and will do the right thing after Christmas re ending things

I told him that it's uneven and I'm not doing it anymore, that I'm not here to financially support him and provide everything for him, that his kids aren't my responsibility, I told him everything clearly

Thank you for the helpful posts

Best wishes for a happy Christmas, and well done for making a decision that your happy with.

OdeToDiazepam Fri 20-Dec-19 00:28:28
The kids are adopted they and him are dual citizenship

Adopted how and where and by whom?
Did he adopt them as a single man?

OdeToDiazepam Fri 20-Dec-19 00:29:06
His car and work are in America he's employed there

So why is he in the UK now?
Have you seen with your own eyes his car, his home, evidence of a job in the US?
What is his job in the US?
How come he is in the UK now and renting a house if he has a job and car in the US?

If you have been providing everything for his children and they live in a home that lacks the basics of comfort you should report him to Social Services.

I hope your repossession of the tree goes safely for you. I strongly suggest you bring your dad with you.

Do not let him talk you into changing your mind about anything. He is not going to let you go easily.

I would.stay at your dad's and spend a few hours each day seeing him. Do what you want to do.

On my days, I've read your updates. He is not for you at all. Please bin him off now.

Did he move here to be with you?

It is a very messy situation and I think you are going to find it difficult to end it. So if/when you do have a plan as he’s told you he will not go quietly.

Clearly there's some big back story here. But at Christmas your children should come first. Not him, not his kids.

Apart from anything else, a responsible person gets their dog spade

How long have you been together?

This is such a mess
I think OP that he may feel you owe him something due to the fact he moved over here to be with you, hence him putting pressure on you

I don’t understand the dog though. Did it travel pregnant

Because when I'm not with him I like the idea of being with him and having company and someone who loves me and then I spend time with him and am usually not very happy It's not you, it's him. He's the wrong person for you. I think he sounds like the wrong person for a lot of people. Amd he's not just the wrong person, he's now owing you money, living on your street, and demanding your time, effort and even more money. Nothing has changed since your last thread except the alarm bells are ringing louder and he's still not listening to you.

Him paying back part of the loan does not prove he isn't a con man. It's a tactic employed to 'prove' they are trustworthy before tapping you for a larger sum.

What sort of arse takes the Christmas tree and TV from a single mother and her kids over Christmas?! I take it you have another TV?

I find your posts very unsettling. I'm glad you've put your foot down about Christmas (and agree with pp that when he says he wants you to consider his needs he means above your needs). Watch out for his next move. Be ready to be firm. Don't agree to anything without time to consider (and post on MN if you're confused how to react).

@OdeToDiazepam
How did he take it when you told him about your plans for Christmas and that you're not doing it anymore?

Ah I remember you OP. There is something very dodgy about this guy. You just don't want to seem to listen, and are taken in by all his lies. Hoepfull you will actually leave him, somehow I just don't think you will.

You had some very good advice on the other thread but you are still pursuing this absurd "relationship".

This guy is using you. Please please, please stop dancing to his tune.

If money is so tight, where is the money to care for the puppies coming from? Who bought the puppies?

Did he adopt the children with a wife he ‘destroyed?’

Where did he get the pregnant dog from?

Why did he get a dog to feed if he has no money?

Does his landlord know he has five dogs in the house?

Why would you have to "pick them up" if they live down the road from you?

What does he do for work?

Why do you have to pay for his Christmas?

Why do you let your children be bullied by his?

What makes you think that this is a "proper relationship" when is so clearly is not?

I would gift him the tree and take the TV back. Get a couple of selection boxes for his adopted children and then I would block 'James New' from my life for ever and ever Amen.

I would also pay my father back myself from my own well-paid job. Then I would just be thankful that I had got off lightly by coughing up a grand and a Christmas Tree.