Major Xmas dilemma!

[OdeToDiazepam]

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

Well I'm happy for you that your life is so straightforward and easy that such a situation is incomprehensible to you

What the fuck are you talking about? He's a shitbag. You'd rather be with him than without him, that's the incomprehensible thing.

You might be well educated, successful and strong powerful single mother - but you are a fool when it comes to this man.

You've been asked more than once what you would do if your daughter came to you with stories like yours about a man she was seeing - are you ever going to answer? Or is it 'different'?

What is the mention of him going back to the States? When did he actually move here with his kids?

See

OP, were you in an abusive relationship a year ago? Just concerned that you have not yet healed and you need time alone.

'He says my plan for Christmas doesn't take his wishes into consideration'

You have a perfect right to consider his wishes (as you very much have) and still say no if you think it best.

He sounds manipulative.

Abusive posters can fuck right off

He moved here a few weeks ago, might even be a month now

No my abusive relationship was about 3 years ago now but there was a long time dealing with court and police

He sounds a right catch.

From America?

Please try to see this from the outside. He is a user, emotionally blackmails you, and you are scared to leave him because of how he could make your life miserable.

Taking things in small chunks - do not spend Christmas with him. I agree with maybe going to an activity on Xmas Eve, then perhaps meeting for a short walk on Xmas Day.

Then you can start working on how you can extricate yourself from this awful relationship which is fueled by your guilt.

And that line about money coming soon - it's all bollocks. That's what all conmen say.

Were you in a long distance relationship before this?
Do you see anything significant in the fact that you became unhappy in the relationship right after he moved near you?

I'm telling him

From America yes

His behaviour changed after he moved

And before he moved he had loads of money and paid for stuff then was suddenly here with no money

He's been here a matter of weeks. You refer to his kids as "the kids". He's dirty and selfish as well as manipulative and nasty. He owes your dad money ffs.

And you said that you'd told him no you wouldn't bring your dad for Xmas dinner as there aren't enough plates or chairs. Then you said you'll do Xmas day at your dads except dinner.

Confusing.

But like I said he has paid me back the 300 and 1000 to my dad

A man you barely know has moved from another continent, to your street, is meeting your kids and you're meeting his, and he's insisting you all spend Xmas together?

Is this for real?!

No I meant Christmas at my dads on our own except dinner where I'm more open to having them over

It wasn't long distance he was there for work intermittently and staying at a mutual friends here

Well done for telling him. Wouldn't get too hung up on the tree.

Those messages have no feeling other than resentment in them from both sides.

He pretended he had money to you which is easy when you're on the other side of the Atlantic

he has paid me back the 300 and 1000 to my dad

Very possibly borrowed from someone else, so he can give an impression of solvency in order to rinse you for even more

And I really wouldn't hold your breath over all this money he's supposed to get in the new year, nor would I take it on trust that he "used to have" plenty. I wonder what his story is about where it all went?