Major Xmas dilemma!

[OdeToDiazepam]

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

I'd be worried about the fallout, regret, guilt, getting trapped in a cycle again like I have before, what If it's me, my emotional strength lots of things

Would he go back to the States if you ended it?

He moved down the street from you, and wants to all spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day together?

And you've been with him how long? Not long, is it?

For that alone, get rid. ASAP.

I'm not sure where he'd go but potentially

If he doesnt let go of people easily and claims he can ruin peoples lives, it will get much worse the longer you are with him.
Do you think it will be easier to extract yourself from this 'relationship' when you're living together?
If you dump him now and let him know you're serious, he will move on.

He's emotionally manipulating you and more or less scaring you into staying with him.

There is a fine line where this will start to escalate into him abusing you.

Are you scared that you're in another abusive relationship?

You only met him this year OP. Your dad must be worried sick about you.

Goodness me @OdeToDiazepam, this sounds like a very, very tricky situation. Are you scared to break up with him? It’s what this sounds like. This is very wrong, this needs to stop.

Also wonder in g what you are getting out of this. You don't sound very happy with Jim's

• him!

A month or so ago I was very happy with him

Your last thread was bad, but you obviously ignored any advice, and now you're ignoring the advice on this one. You need to slow this train right down before it ends in a complete wreck. Just stop, stop making any more plans. From the outside it looks like he intends you to be his unpaid (paying for the privilege) housekeeper/childminder. Do not move your children into such a chaotic mess.

You've said all of your relationships have been bad, please look at doing the Freedom Programme. You're insistant denial and misplaced guilt is frustrating to read.

I don’t doubt you’ve done all you can to make this relationship work. You said upthread that you feel “selfish and ungrateful “. Is this something he’s told you? Why do you feel like that? I’m worried about you Op :(

It doesn't sound good.
You are scared of his reaction

Just tell him xmas is separate this year. You your dc your dad.
Him with his dc.

Go see him on boxing day if you must. Is up to him to make it nice for his dc. You are not their parent.

Thank you, I am following advice I will be doing it seperately or at least everything separate except Xmas dinner, I can't break up with him yet but in the new year it will be easier as a pp said

Why is your Christmas tree at his house while you don't have one? Wtf is that about

You're seriously leaving your dad alone for Christmas dinner for this abusive wanker? That's ridiculous.

@Chocolatecake12 posted a good suggestion for how to approach it and do some nice stuff for his kids, without making yourself or your own kids miserable.

If I do it at my dads he's going to be really unhappy
You keep saying 'he's not going to be happy' but why is it more important for him to be happy than for you to be happy? You matter too.

Talk to your dad about what he's like and be honest. He'll help you.

Well it wasn't ideal to put it at my dads for reasons I don't want to go in to, I don't think it's a big deal not having one at my dads, it would only be in a far corner anyway

I never said I'd leave my dad alone and I'm not going to

Ok he isn’t a conman or a bastard but he is not a capable, independent, functioning option for you. He will always need help to tide him over because he doesn’t plan, or think ahead as to what his kids will need & want & how to provide that. He isn’t considering you lot with what may be best for you, your kids and your dad for Christmas, let alone the rest of the time. He shouldn’t have moved here, he had nothing in place & nothing prepared. He will throw him & his kids at your mercy, and whomever else comes along once you’ve had enough. Extricate yourself, your gut is Screaming but you can’t seem to find the evidence that will let you go. Your unease is enough, your intuition is enough, your feeling is enough. Stop doubting yourself.

Well he keeps saying that I just make decisions without talking to him and coming to a compromise and getting his opinion, that's not healthy in a relationship and we should make decisions together that's what he says,

He says my plan for Christmas doesn't take his wishes into consideration

Do you think I should get my tree back, I'm feeling bad about not having and enjoying my own tree now