Major Xmas dilemma!

[OdeToDiazepam]

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

He's not American, he has dual citizenship.

Keep re-reading this thread @OdeToDiazepam. All the stuff about future faking, spending your savings on him when you want to buy a house, how miserable and cold his house is and that his children are bullying yours.
Re-read it any time you feel like you might get back with him. You have it all here, keep it in mind and stay strong.

OP, given what you have said about the way he just turned up with his kids and currently has no car, might not cook Christmas dinner,etc. I understand why you feel concerned about the kids.

You don't need to accept responsibility for them yourself, but given the amount of stress they'll have been under, I think it is reasonable to refer them for help. You can contact social services and the school (in the new year) to pass on your concerns.

Well done OP. Please stay strong. You are not responsible for him or his happiness.

He seems to think that relationships, love etc are negotiations or compromises but they are not.
If he makes you unhappy and you want to end the relationship then that is it. No negotiation.
Be happy by yourself and with your kids

Glad you're beginning to see more clearly OP. Focus on you and yours, that's what's important.

the adoptive mother didn't want the kids
Do you know what people go through to adopt children, how long it takes, how difficult it is?! And she apparently decided she just didn't want them? Like a bar of chocolate she bought and then half way through changed her mind about??!!!

Your posts about the dog don’t make any sense, so I can see why posters get sceptical.

“flew here about two weeks before due and stayed at a dog sitters where she had the puppies a week before he arrived”

From uk gov

“Your pet must arrive in the UK no more than 5 days before or after you, or you’ll have to follow different rules.”

And those different rules are basically for embryos, wildlife, and pets who will be rehomed and sold.

There is no way a vet didn’t pick up on the dog being pregnant. Shots are required.- certificate must be issued by a pre-approved vet on the list -there is just absolutely zero chance one of those clinics would not be able to tell a bitch was just weeks from having a litter. Zero.

I'm not engaging with him

'I would be a little worried yes as he's said before he doesn't let go of people easily, he can ruin people's lives etc'

Oh OP, this is one of the most important issues. These are threats, intimidation. Please do stick to your resolve and end it.

A to never having a relationship again, I'm sure you could meet someone lovely, don't rule it out. But you might want to do the Freedom Programme/therapy so you can more effectively spot wrong'uns and avoid getting involved with them. Best wishes xxxxx

This is what I was told, they got married and moved over there, they couldn't have kids so adopted these two kids from a foster who was their friend but it didn't work out, the marriage fell apart, he got custody of the kids and the divorce was only recently finalised

He came here with the dog when she was pregnant, they didn't pick up on it I don't know why or how there was a slight delay at Heathrow because a shot had to be redone but that was it she was in quarantine for 24 hours but then we picked her up, she went to stay with someone and he flew back

Yes my aunt was his neighbour for years way back, he's ten years older than me, and my old school teacher is good friends with him, he stayed at her house when he was here over summer

The cleaner that comes to my dads knows him and his ex wife too, when I told her about us I said oh is there anything I should know as she knew them when they were together and she said no there was nothing particular, I took all of these as references pretty much, i wouldn't have expected someone sinister to not have been picked up on by all these people

Im really glad you're taking giant steps to get away from this weirdo. Like a PP suggested upthread, it might well be worth making a Social Services referral, since he plainly isnt looking after his children adequately. If his kids go to school, they could have told anyone that the house is cold and smelly and theres no furniture, so the SS referral wont inevitably be linked to you.

It may not be that he's sinister, but he certainly seems oblivious to the needs of others around him.

There's pictures of him with justin Trudeau, I overhear his business calls all the time, I can't fill in the gaps as to what's real or not

Well so the kids, it was taken a bit out of hand what I said, it's dim because there's lightbulbs missing, it's a bit chaotic and smelly because of the dogs and there's some mess, but there are sofas, just only 2 dining chairs

I get worried because I know he doesn't always give them a hot meal, the youngest is very skinny and has been out of school for weeks now

I'm not saying it's neglect, I don't know the full picture, they love each other and like I said he's had them for years but who knows

I don’t think he’s sinister but he’s clearly looking for a new wife and mother and you seem to be fitting the bill
Instead of him doing the hard graft he has you on standby, an accomplished parent who feels sorry for them
He is probably ok with living this way but it is bordering on neglect if he’s not seeking help to improve it or see why he should. This is what people are saying - it shouldn’t be your responsibility to care for his kids, it’s his
You can report to social services if you are worried about them being neglected

I suppose people will be falling all over themselves to help him out with lifts to school etc if he's such a long time friend and great guy.

I’m a bit unsure how photos of him with the Canadian Premier are helping this situation.

Well I don't know I'm just saying I had no indication that he was lying about things

Why can't any of his successful mates lend him a fiver instead of relying on you, a waitress with 2 kids to feed living at her dad's?

Like I said it doesn't make sense so I don't know what's true or not

This is the main thing:

relying on you, a waitress with 2 kids to feed living at her dad's?

At this stage of your very brief relationship, OP, his domestic circumstances shouldn’t even be on your radar. It shouldn’t matter where or how he gets money or support - he should not be making it your business. This is why posters are alarmed.

All that should be happening at this stage between the two of you is evenings out and long walks and - maybe - gradually introducing your children to each other on neutral ground, like lunch at a pizza place and then goodbye.

Compare that to the complications you’re currently embroiled in. He is not trying to woo or impress you - he’s too busy arranging to live off you. And you’re a waitress!

Well done for taking the first steps. I really think you should let things cool between you and see how you feel in a while. From your point of view, his story checks out...... from our position far away on the internet he seems a little 'intense'. There are so many things that come across as just plain odd, but life can be full of these oddities that you just couldn't make up. I think most people here have your and your family's best interest at heart - so take us at face value. Let things cool and see if things start to get a little more 'normal'.