Major Xmas dilemma!

[OdeToDiazepam]

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

If you read the thread cervix you'll see that I'm ending the relationship

And I don't know where you got 'a matter of weeks' from but it seems you'll draw your own conclusions about what the truth is irregardless of what I've actually said so crack on

You seem very naive. At the start of the thread I wanted to ask you if you saw a future with this BF?
But now, not really because of any new information about him, but more about you, I feel you really should walk away.

Who looks after your DC whilst you work very long hours and study for a degree? Does waitressing really pay enough money to take on a mortgage?
Maybe it does in the north west.....but are you in the north west? Because the boyfriends rental property is south east rates!

And then, all this about bullying, well that's for the parents to manage and resolve.

And Christmas trees, can you really not just go buy another one? On your salary!

Dogs, puppies, adoptions, contracts, emails, clients.....you don't appear to really understand how these things work or the details. You seem a bit in the dark here.

I think you should concentrate on getting your money back. I don't think pie in the sky ambitions of buying houses on tips is realistic, in fact mostly it takes two middle incomes to secure a reasonable mortgage. Could you have achieved this with him? Maybe, but from his perspective he probably thinks he's moved to be with you, whilst you go about making your own plans with little regard to him. Is he a good man, or a controlling man? I can't tell from what you've told us because nothing much you've said makes sense. But I do think, you and he might well be better off without each other.

1- He wont be on his own. He will be with his children. He should spend time with them if he doesn't have them often.
2- If you are paying for everything and the food then you get to decide where to have the Christmas.
3- Start standing up for yourself. He should know that you are your own person, have kids of your own and you can choose not to do things his way. He is trying to control you and you don't even live together!
4- Don't stay with a guy just because of what others might think or that he owes your dad money. He asked for that money and your dad chose to give it to him. If he doesn't pay back then there is always small claims court.
5- If kids don't get along now then it will be a problem later on as well and can get worse. Is it worth all the grief. Better to cry once because of a broken heart than to cry for a lifetime by choosing the wrong person.

Well done @OdeToDiazepam

And @Notodontidae - you're very naive if you don't see anything 'ominous' in this situation. This bloke has shipped his adopted children (and pregnant dog) halfway across the world and turned up on the doorstep of a woman he's been seeing for a couple of months.
As for Xmas day salad - yes, I'm sure that's what he's planning

@Clymene. Read my text properly, I didn't say that. And naive is one thing I am not, believe me. Most of the post are built upon drips and drabs of information. And the adage where someone says something and it is passed to many others and ends up different from the original, runs rife on these threads,

Righto.
I'll leave to your fantasies of the OP helping him clean the kitchen, taking the dogs on a lovely walk Xmas day walk and coming back to tuck into a beautiful healthy salad

@Notodontidae

I think maybe the point was partly that while the true extent of the guys dickishness came through bit by bit in later posts, it was clear to many of us from the outset that he was wired that way. It's fine if you didn't see that obviously, or if you disagree, but people weren't being negative about him for no reason, they saw the warning signs right from the first post and were correct.

That was before we learned about other oddities with the relationship.
Look are we helping OP here, or just bickering between ourselves.

Where is the adoptive mother op?

OP, when you have those guilty/worried thoughts, try to reassure yourself. You know, Poundland sells crackers and you can make them from toilet rolls and children's drawings. He can do that!

Don't think you've read my post. I've said that yes we didn't find out about other oddities until OP came back. But many of us saw enough from the first post to know the relationship was not healthy. That was my whole point. I'm not bickering it's a discussion forum, you're free to not respond if you don't want to discuss stuff - it's cool!

Sorry my last post was to @Notodontidae obviously

I actually feel sorry for you because this is such an unusual situation that I think you must be exceptionally vulnerable. He is a predator of sorts, I mean who moves their DC cross continent to be near a woman he barely knows? And now he is encroaching on every part of your life and draining everyone’s finances. I can see you are in shock and some of your responses have been pure denial to see the situation for as batshit as it really is

I think you are at real risk of giving into his demands in the future though. I think he’s good at getting what he wants and you are good at pleasing people. I’m not sure one MN thread is enough protection for you to grow in 1 day to be strong enough to resist him. This is ongoing work. It’s going to be hard. He’s going to pull on your heartstrings like never before. He’s going to manipulate you.

Is there anyone IRL who can help support you to keep you strong whilst you are distancing from him?

I've got my tree back

The adoptive mother didn't want them she's in us, he's got custody as I understand it

My dad looks after my children when I'm at work and supports me

You're talking about all this as if it's just happened to you and is out of your control, you're being very passive and all woe is me. How on Earth could you think that your own children shouldn't have a Christmas tree in their own house? If you felt like he needed one, you can get them for £5 in a supermarket.
I'm afraid you don't seem to know what you are doing or where you are going and have unfortunately dragged your poor children along for the ride. It's just bizarre!

I'm not passive at all I've just gone and got my tree and stuff back and I've told him clearly, in fact I won't be seeing him til after Christmas now and I might just end it today

Well done on getting your tree back.

Small steps to taking back control of your life!

Do you have any proof that the mother 'didn't want them'?
This guy is unstable. I would be worried he's basically kidnapped from the US and taken them away from their mother!
Can you check?
Do you know her name or anything?

It was years ago, he has photos of just him and the kids going back years on Facebook, I know some stuff about her and her dad is in my village that's it

He turned up where you work and said ‘what now’?!? No planning, no thought for his kids, no money?!

His poor kids. He clearly is unstable and although you feel sad for his kids, your kids are your priority and you must walk away from his mess for their sake.

He needs to go away and sort himself out on his own. But even if he does, the fact he’s said seriously worrying things about what might happen if the relationship ends in such a frightening way would make me run a mile and never look back, I would be too scared for my kids!

I left my tv there, I don't need it or the other stuff there

I am a little worried for the children but I'll have to see what happens

He told you he destroys people so presumably that’s why the adoptive mother is not on the scene. If she ‘didn’t want’ the children, it might have been a case of her not being able to take him on with his horrible threats.

I think it would be better for you to extricate yourself from this relationship sooner rather than later. Dont go along with it and see how it goes.

Her dad is in your village? How do you have all these links to this American guy? You said family introduced you both as well.