Major Xmas dilemma!

[OdeToDiazepam]

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

OP, the only reason you have money is because you are living with your dad and saving up for your own mortgage for a house for you and your kids. Every penny you spend on food for him or presents for his kids or TVs and trees that he gets use of - it's putting you further and further back from being able to buy that lovely little place for you and your DC.

Your not richer than him. You don't have the money to splash on him and his family. You are spending your house money on keeping him afloat.

Keep on saving. Don't give him your hard earned money. Why would you want to help him out with rent to keep a roof over his head when you can buy alone?

You are doing right by planning to end it after Christmas. It doesn't matter how you met or whether he moved for you or not, ultimately it was his decision and you bear no responsibility for any of it.

They met in the summer. It's in the thread!

Yes I work very hard for my money, I don't want to waste it, thanks for reminding me of that I've lost sight of the end goal. I'd love to have our own place again and honestly I think I'll remain single for the rest of my life

He wants me to move in to his place

In the famous quote "well he would say that, wouldn't he"

He's meant to have tons of money coming in in the new year, he treats me kindly and loves me, is it just because of him pressuring me?

Have you heard if future faking. Have a google.

I'm not in a high paid job I work as a waitress it's just because I work a lot of hours and make a lot in tips and accrued holiday that I've been able to afford to help him

Thank you dizzy

his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times

'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money

the place is bare, dim and cold

it's always a racket and smells

Why on earth would you subject yourself and your kids to a Christmas like this?

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning

You need to learn some boundaries and quickly, or this man will walk all over you.

Have a lovely, warm, happy Christmas at your Dad's instead. And have a serious think about the future of this relationship.

You’re not responsible for his happiness.

My partner was similar to this going on how Christmas was a huge deal for his family and go all out. How he wanted me to spend Christmas Day with with.

He wanted me to organise lugging everyone up the motorway for an hour on Christmas morning (he wanted me to stay Christmas Eve by there’s not enough beds for a start!) which meant I wouldn’t of been able to relax and the whole day would have been stressful as I would have had to lug everyone back in the evening.

Now I’ve said what I want to do: church on Christmas Eve with baking/snuggling up watching movies, Xmas morning spent at mine and then to my mums for dinner (she’s amazing and hasn’t hosted for years which is a big deal for her), spend the night at hers (there’s plenty of beds/toys), then I’m cooking dinner Boxing Day which everyone is invited to. My OH can slot into that wherever he pleases as he’s invited.

Tell your OH to come over for hot chocolate xmas eve and watch a film, Xmas day he can come over for dinner and maybe you can go over to his for Boxing Day and he can provide whatever food he likes (or you can take over left over meat). Not leaving your dad is a valid reason to not go, that you want to be at home for Xmas is a valid reason, that you don’t want to take the kids toys over to his is a valid reason. There’s loads of valid reasons. Tell him what your plans are he doesn’t need to dictate.

Thank you for the tip on future faking that does sound familiar as he's talked about marriage and the future a lot since I met him

Third option. Dump him.

Haven't read all your responses but don't need to. He sounds like a tight twat, you don't sound like you love him really. Consider yourself and your own happiness, not his. Walk away and don't look back.

@ JustASmallTownCurl. Yes but not in the opening post, and the OP cant really afford to not have the loan paid off. I believe there is more chance of that happening with a platonic relationship. No chance otherwise.

Boxing Day I'm visiting family without him, Christmas Eve I'm spending it on our own and tbh now I've pretty much decided we're on our own all Christmas Day as well, I was open to hosting Christmas dinner but I'm not happy about it now why should I put all that extra work and stress on myself after working so hard preparing especially when I'm working every day now in the run up and every day after until 2nd jan including two doubles in a row! I want to relax!

You know what i am angry on your childrens behalf , and i feel so sorry for you that this is what youve been conditioned to accept .
Report his threats to police and do the freedom programme. Learn how to keep boundaries in relationships.
Talk to womens aid , talk to someone in real life .

This thread is sitting heavy on my conscience, i hope you walk away OP i really do.

Im sorry if that came over harshly, i dont know how to word it to make it sound kind.

Hugs to you and I hope you find that fire inside.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing by planning to end it ON YOUR TERMS AND TIMESCALE. I get that you want to make sure his kids are at least thought-about over Christmas.

Going forwards, though, take some time to think about how relationships work. You dont have personal experience of good relationships (i didnt either), so you have to read, study, ask questions of others, etc. Next time you meet someone, don't race into "couple life". Insist on being his girlfriend first, just you, not the kids. Make the relationship all about you and him, not him alone, or him-and-the-kids. Just be boyfriend and girlfriend for a bit. Good men wont push you to move too fast.

I read your previous thread OP but I didn't comment as others had said everything really.

I'm very pleased that you have now established some boundaries with your boyfriend. You know that it's only unfounded guilt and the fact that you are a kind, caring person which has allowed the situation to go on this long.

He will try and guilt you when you go around to get the tree. Could you take your dad or a friend with you?

Although if I were your friend I would tell you to forget about the tree and the TV, and just send him a message saying that it's not working for you and you do not want to see him again. A clean break with no direct personal contact. And then refuse to engage further. If he texts or rings just stick with "it's not working for me and my kids" and repeat ad nauseum. He does sound abusive and your posting about his mental health makes me think you should not go to his place on your own.

You are worried that his children won't get presents and a decent Christmas but if he is a good father to them he will make it good even with very little money.

Yes I mean I'll say it again, it's not my responsibility but he's going to be left in an unideal situation

No transport and no shop within short walking distance and no way of getting his son to school after new year, yes I'll be leaving him to sort these issues even though it goes against my instinct

I thought I was doing it properly with him, taking things slowly

Then I kid you not, the day he flew here they came to my work in a taxi and said now what. He's not booked a hotel so I had to bring them to my dads as they had nowhere else to stay, that's how it all started

I will do the right thing, it's not going to work.

I will end it after Christmas

I've had experience with women's aid before although that was years ago when they were properly funded, nowadays it's a struggle to even get through to them.

I've had counselling before. I've always struggled with relationships. I'm not going to be entering into one again

I'm really pleased you've come to that conclusion OP. Sorry if I seemed harsh earlier, it's just I've been there and hate the thought of another woman feeling powerless as things spiral and get out of control in a relationship.

I can't believe he uprooted his kids and turned up on your doorstep with no home or security for them, what a piece of shit he is.
You don't need to avoid relationships forever, but you're right to do so unless your standards are higher and boundaries firm. If a man can't even look after a dog properly, it's a non-starter. If he requires money from you, it's a non-starter.

I think you need to put yourself and your children first....

‘Taking things slowly’ but yet youve only been shagging for a matter of weeks and have already forced your kids and his traumatised kids into your sham of a relationship? The kids shouldn’t have been anything to do with this shitshow for a bare minimum of a year, OPs choices are distressing as fuck, I’m out.

Put your kids first!!!

please don’t allow him to impregnate you, there’s already enough kids being damaged by both of your behavioural choices.