Major Xmas dilemma!

[OdeToDiazepam]

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

Guilt is really difficult, isn't it, OP? And it's lovely that you're such a caring person. But you're absolutely right, it's 100% not your responsibility to ensure that his kids have a hot meal. You won't be doing him or the kids any favours if you step in to provide what their dad should be providing. Do you find yourself trying to take on too much responsibility for others in your life, like your dad or extended family?

Would you be able to pursue counselling in the new year? I'm concerned that you have some really serious issues around judgment and boundaries in relationships. I don't say that to be sarcastic, but to say that you can find a lot of help out there and learn to avoid these situations in the future.

It doesn't matter if he's a conman, or if the money gets paid back, or if you had a good time over the past few months. What matter is that he's not treating you well now and you feel unhappy and uncomfortable about the relationship. That's good, that means you have instincts that are protecting you--listen to them.

If this guy has said before he can be dangerous to those who try to leave him, please google "grey rock technique" and try that on him. I think focus on healing yourself for AT LEAST a year or two before dating anyone else, even someone family sets you up with (maybe never let family set you up again if this is their success rate!).

You obviously have a lot of love to give and are a kind, conscientious person. You need a partner who is worthy of that, not someone you feel unhappy around and who makes vague threats about what will happen if you leave him.

I have stood up to him thanks to the help and advice from this thread I've told him clearly my boundaries and what I'm not willing to carry on doing

For reasons previously explained I will end it after Christmas

Thank you crispy I appreciate your advice

I think this could be the first MN cock non-lodger

The reason none of this makes sense is because it’s all total tinsel covered bullshit.

A vet cleared a heavily pregnant dog to fly long distance?

Believe it or not they never picked up that she was pregnant

I can literally prove this, I'm not making it up

So believe it or don't, the thought that after being on mumsnet for years I'd come up with such a strange and detailed story just for the laughs while I'm actually off work I'll with a virus is more laughable to me

Then he’s a complete shit for not getting proper vet treatment for a pregnant bitch (lying or omitting to tell them?) and flying her over here. I’d leave him just for that (and why wasn’t she spayed?)

I know it's a confusing situation, I didn't ask to be in it!

But you have to realise I didn't agree to this I was in a relationship which then he said I'm moving back, great I thought, I'll see him more.

OP with all due respect you're an adult.

If circumstances change then you respond accordingly.

I didn't think my ex would hit me or cheat on me. I didn't ask for that. But when it happened I felt well within my rights to reassess the relationship. And end it.

It's incredibly rude of you to lash out at posters and say all they have to worry about it parking / they can't possibly understand a complicated relationship.

You have no idea what other people have been through. Many have been through much worse and were trying to help you see how dysfunctional and toxic this is before it gets worse.

When you are scared to break up with someone because they've told you they can ruin people's lives, it's a pretty huge red flag. People would be dicks not to point that out to you.

So step back and take a breath, and see how ungrateful and rude it is to make assumptions about strangers who have responded to your thread saying you and your kids deserve better than this.

You're setting them up for a life of unhealthy relationships if this continues. Kids learn the blueprint for relationships from their parent.

What would you honestly say if one of your children was in this relationship as an adult?

Well done OP. Keep your boundaries strong for you & your kids. I can see, given that a relative introduced you, that you trusted the situation more than you might have normally.

It is up to him to sort his life out now & get on his feet or go back to the USA.

You and your Dad have been extremely generous helping him thus far. But enough is enough.

You will find someone who is lovely and does not threaten you with damage If the relationship does not work out. You have realised that this is 100% not right and are backing off.

Has he got keys to your home?

Stay strong and focused and look towards a better 2020, away from this complicated and unpleasant situation.

It's incredibly rude for people to be abusive and accuse me of lying

I have said thank you to kind and supportive posters who I've taken their advice

Thank you minoloso no he doesn't have keys

OP don’t get riled by the posters on here who are not being quite so friendly. Seriously, ignore them. There are always a few on these threads who just want an argument or who think they know everything.

OK, lots of things here.

He has adopted children, who are very vulnerable as a result of any previous trauma (no matter what age), and he's failed to plan for Christmas, food, heating. He has a dog with umpteen puppies. He isn't working. Anything else?

Honestly, and I don't say this lightly, he needs professional support to get his shit together. If he needs a food bank, he needs to see a GP, social worker or similar professional to get a referral. Those people can also help him identify how on earth he's going to move forward at this point.

You can't subsidise him.

Personally, I'd put together a food hamper with sausage, bacon, eggs, bread, meat, veg, chocolate etc for them over Christmas then withdraw.

Have you been together a long time OP?

He does have a job, he passed the referencing to rent his house so he must have income and say he's payed back 1300 so there's money coming in from somewhere, he works distance based, conference calls and contracts and emails and things like that

Well that’s good. Be polite to him and get through Xmas then just tell him it’s not working and end it.

It’s too much for anyone and he’s said some things which are really worrying. No getting away from that.

Since the last thread he payed back that money and went and did a food shop so there's food but I don't know how much money is left which is wha has been causing me stress as I spend a lot of money and time by now obviously sorting my children's presents and Christmas food etc

I know it's not my responsibility I'm just explaining the situation, for all I know he has enough now, I don't have access to his bank account but he says hes waiting on this other client payment to pay back the rest of what he owes my dad

I will pay my dad back myself when I can afford it if this doesn't come through

When anyone reads the opening post, there is nothing ominous, and when the OP says tbh she is miserable there, does imply a lack of love. Having said that Christmas with my in-laws was terrible one open fire in the lounge and the tree in the back room, I was cold, it was dark and I was miserable. Most of the info comes in drips and drabs, much of which is mere speculation. The OP has to limit the info for fear of recognition, but at the same time MN users strive to help. If we knew of a lady, with two adopted children, just over from the US, struggling with finances, not much of a cook, and the dog had puppies, but holding a job, would we act differently? The only thing we know for certain is that the "Honeymoon" period of this relationship seems to have waned dramatically. A platonic relationship needs to be observed until the loan is paid off.

he says hes waiting on this other client payment to pay back the rest of what he owes my dad

If you don't believe us on anything else, please at least believe that you'll never see the entirety of that money. As said, even the £1300 paid so far will be purely to keep you on the hook for more so there's no point at all in staying in the hope you'll get your money back

As PPs have said, the whole mess pales into insignificance against his comment about being "capable of destroying people". Why you'd even look at such a person again is beyond me, so I agree about getting onto that Freedom Programme straight after Christmas, before you get sucked in again by someone else like this

When anyone reads the opening post, there is nothing ominous

There really is to most people who have read even just the opening post, but of course you're entitled to your opinion as is OP.

She has since said she is scared to end it because he's said he can ruin people. Hopefully that is incredibly ominous to you.

A platonic relationship needs to be observed until the loan is paid off.

I think the relationship should be shelved in every sense but glad you at least agree that it cannot be a romantic relationship.

I hope you are ok @OdeToDiazepam and not upset by some posters who have been less than kind. Hope you have a good Christmas and yes after Christmas sounds like it would be best to withdraw from this relationship

I'd be really interested to know (even if roughly) how long they have been together.