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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Major Xmas dilemma!

590 replies

OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:03

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/12/2019 09:56

Who bought the puppies?

OP said it was an "accidental conception"

Sooner or later there'll probably be another thread saying OP's had one too, but that she's confident he's "really stepping up" and will be "a brilliant father" Hmm

SurpriseSparDay · 20/12/2019 09:58

How do you suppose he cared for his children before he knew you?

Miniloso · 20/12/2019 10:02

I’m really uncomfortable with some of the sarcasm towards the OP on here. She has posted before about this situation and clearly needs advice which she is heeding.

Not everyone has family or friends or even life experience to deal with confusing or complicated situations, which is why Mumsnet is so valuable.

Be kind people. It costs nothing.

Sagradafamiliar · 20/12/2019 10:02

I just don't find shit dads attractive. I bet he's planning on selling the puppies instead of getting a job as well.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 20/12/2019 10:03

The dog had the puppies over here a week before he moved

OP posts:
Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 20/12/2019 10:04

He has a job as I've previously said, he's always worked

OP posts:
champagneandfromage50 · 20/12/2019 10:04

Your last thread was deleted by MN as they were looking behind the scenes and didn't re appear. You had come out of an abusive relationship in March (which you missed out of your previous thread) and suddenly were dating an America for 7mths who travelled over here regularly with his military dog. He gets a big loan from your dad as somehow family members knew him already and trusted him, he lands with two adopted DC who don't see there adopted mum and there was no issue about them being uprooted and moving from the US, he was supposedly in a well paid job but kept asking you to help with his kids to school as he had no money and you insisted his bank cards didn't work as they were American, this high flying American rents but has no money .....not sure why your back. If it is real I will repeat what I said before - if your poor DC have escaped an abusive relationship where they have NC with there father perhaps focus on supporting them instead of jumping in with both feet to another one .... poor DC

Sagradafamiliar · 20/12/2019 10:04

He was in the US when the pups were born?

Sagradafamiliar · 20/12/2019 10:05

A job in the US! He lives in the U.K. now. Meanwhile his kids are backwards and forwards. What a life.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 20/12/2019 10:07

He was yes, and you're getting details wrong, I know it's a confusing situation, I didn't ask to be in it! One minute I was dating someone who seemed to be a good person and then they moved here and it's ended up like this

I can't give many more details or an exact timeline of my entire life

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/12/2019 10:09

last thread was deleted by MN as they were looking behind the scenes and didn't re appear

Ah, I hadn't realised it was pulled

So really, we're just waiting for the deletion message ...

champagneandfromage50 · 20/12/2019 10:10

Sagradafamiliar in the previous thread the OP had only known the DC for two weeks (when her DP was asking her to drop one off at school as the other didn't have a place) as they didn't come with him when he travelled. Can't recall where or who they supposedly stayed

Costacoffeeplease · 20/12/2019 10:10

Of course he was nice in the beginning, all abusive men are or they wouldn’t get anyone to abuse!

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 20/12/2019 10:11

They wanted to check I was ok as were concerned about the posting style and posters were concerned

I'm a long time user of mumsnet I'm not making this up

As I said before I'm glad people have such straightforward lives that they can't conceive a difficult situation

OP posts:
Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 20/12/2019 10:15

Must be nice for some of you not to be able to comprehend anything worse than someone parking in front of their drive

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 20/12/2019 10:22

I’m confused. If he has been here a month, how has his dog had puppies so quickly? How did he pay for the dog to be sent over as this can run to £1000’s when vet fees are added.

midep · 20/12/2019 10:23

I believe you OP, life gets complicated at times. You need to take back control now though.

Sagradafamiliar · 20/12/2019 10:24

This hasn't happened to you. You can have a straightforward life, too. You can say 'no'- to anything! You have no obligation to go along with anything in live which comes your way. It's going to take more than taking back your Xmas tree for you to realise this. Work on your boundaries for your kids.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 20/12/2019 10:25

The dog became pregnant over there and flew here about two weeks before due and stayed at a dog sitters where she had the puppies a week before he arrived

OP posts:
Sagradafamiliar · 20/12/2019 10:25

Life*

hellsbellsmelons · 20/12/2019 10:26

Well I feel bad leaving him on his own with the kids - WHY? They are HIS kids. He's managed all this time and he can manage again.

he can ruin people's lives etc - fucking hell OP. That would have me running a mile away!!!! Why are you with someone who would say something like this? You have DC to protect. Please protect them!

He says my plan for Christmas doesn't take his wishes into consideration - So fucking what? It's not about HIM!! It's about you, your DC and your family.

Please end this OP. You have ignored a million red flags here.
WHY????
Get onto Womens Aid in the new year and do their Freedom Programme. You need far better boundaries.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 20/12/2019 10:26

But you have to realise I didn't agree to this I was in a relationship which then he said I'm moving back, great I thought, I'll see him more.

Then he ends up here with no money and no car and yes I realise I could have said no but I'm probably too nice for my own good because I didn't, I helped out because I thought it was a very temporary issue which has turned out not to be

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 20/12/2019 10:29

A vet checked the dog and said it was fit to travel while pregnant?

Op, doesn’t the fact that a lot of people find it difficult to understand your situation not show you how odd the whole thing is?

Menora · 20/12/2019 10:29

OP, this has not all just happened to you.
Us who you feel are judging you and have straightforward lives just so happen to be in control of our lives, and make decisions!

You don’t want to be single and are in love with the idea of love and relationships
You are being railroaded by this man who knows you don’t want to be alone and knows you are easily manipulated

All we are saying is you should stand up for yourself and your kids
You have no responsibility to him and you do not owe him ANYTHING

Menora · 20/12/2019 10:30

Too nice for your own good equals abuse, damage and him manipulating you.

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