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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Major Xmas dilemma!

590 replies

OdeToDiazepam · 19/12/2019 21:03

What would you do in this situation?

Bf who lives down the road with 2 dc. I have 2 dc too.

He's insistent that I spend Christmas Eve at his, and the night, and Christmas morning.

I have a number of issues with this. He has barely any furniture or stuff as he only recently moved in so the place is bare, dim and cold. The kitchens always a mess, there's bloody puppies as well so it's always a racket and smells.

Also I'd have to move a load of stuff over which I don't want to do, there's not enough chairs, I can't do my usual routine

Also I fear it'll be unfair with the kids as I get my dc a lot more, his dc pick on my youngest and are generally unpleasant at times.

Also I'm having to pay for all the food as he's tight on money, I'm fine with not getting a present but I have to admit it's hard not to feel a little resentful funding masses of Xmas food and drink and dinner'

Tbh I'm miserable every time I'm there atm. Tonight I went over for dinner spent nearly two hours waiting on my own feeling ill in the cold and dark as he had a call to be given dinner massively late and a child's portion so I'm still hungry!

I want to do it at my dads, he can come over for Christmas dinner maybe for a bit on Christmas Eve. I'll be more relaxed I have everything I need and they won't be here too long as it's chaos with 4 kids and I find it very stressful!

There's no solution though I either make him happy but risk having a horrible stressful Christmas as I get really low when I get stressed or I piss him off and have him unhappy at me

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
LegArmpits · 20/12/2019 08:05

In four weeks he had puppies!? 👀

Shoxfordian · 20/12/2019 08:19

Why are you waiting until after Christmas to end things?
End it today

Costacoffeeplease · 20/12/2019 08:33

I’m confused with the puppies too? He’s only been here a few weeks?

The whole situation is batshit, and he sounds like a nasty piece of work, he can ruin people’s lives? Did that not set off a huge alarm for you?

NigellaAwesome · 20/12/2019 08:41

@Notwiththeseknees I had exactly the same questions.

Op, would you mind linking to your original thread?

OP I have seen you on other threads, and you appear to be bright and articulate and capable. But I think you seem to have a blind spot when it comes to your own relationships, which is very possibly as a result of your previously abusive relationships. For users and abusers, that is like walking around with a huge beacon over your head. They'll spot you a mile off and manipulate you.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, my DM and Dsis are both the same. Strong, bright, capable, but both will say they just have awful judgement with men. Both are happily single.

I'm really glad you are starting to assert some boundaries, but be very careful as once you start doing that he will ramp up the manipulation and guilt tripping. I'd say get the tv, forget the tree, and have Xmas with your Dad. Can you discuss things with your Dad?

midep · 20/12/2019 08:41

I don't understand why your dad lent this man several thousand pounds. Who's idea was that?

minesagin37 · 20/12/2019 08:43

The relationship sound bleak op. I wouldn't bother going at all tbh!

LongLiveThePenis · 20/12/2019 08:46

Just a reminder that you said this, @OdeToDiazepam
"Because when I'm not with him I like the idea of being with him and having company and someone who loves me and then I spend time with him and am usually not very happy"
Most of us have been there. Your relationship with him is not a happy one, but you like having someone.
Just remember that if he tries to get you back or you have second thoughts, that a great relationship is one where you really really want to be with them. Don't settle for someone who is ok as an idea and makes you unhappy in reality.

SurpriseSparDay · 20/12/2019 08:47

I find your posts very unsettling.

I think you speak for us all ...

Dozer · 20/12/2019 08:58

Your DC don’t have a Christmas tree you paid for in your home because you prioritised your boyfriend. That’s really bad.

If you felt “really happy” then you missed a LOT of red flags about him.

Get away from the loser.

Miniloso · 20/12/2019 09:07

Stay strong OP, you clearly are a very empathetic, kind person and are trying yo do the right thing for everyone.

Your kids are your main priority here. They need you to have strong boundaries as they are too young to have emotional maturity and may just want to see the puppies.

You are not being a bad person to his kids... HE is being a bad parent to them. It is not your responsibility to provide a loving happy Christmas for them, it is HIS.

The fact that he has threatened you if you leave him is 100% enough to end this relationship. Seriously, that alone is bad and frightening enough.

He needs to go back to the USA to his job & car and his kids would probably be much better off near friends & family etc.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. You HAVE to put your family and yourself first.

You and your Dad have helped this man enough. It’s time to let him sort himself out - he is an adult and is entirely capable.

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2019 09:13

I find your posts very unsettling.

Understatement

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 20/12/2019 09:15

Can I ask a couple of questions? Where did you meet him, what was your courtship/dating like, ie, did he take you to nice places, and where were the kids while he was working here in the summer?

Hoppinggreen · 20/12/2019 09:21

God, I’ve just realised that this is the one who moved here from America.
He owes your Dad money (which he will never see) and he’s got you right where he wants you
Weren’t you going to break up with him a few weeks ago?
You say you have had some terrible relationships, well you are in another one right now

Chocolate123 · 20/12/2019 09:25

Loads of people have asked how long you are together but you keep ignoring the question. You need to end this toxic relationship if that's even what you'd call it and build your self esteem back up. Don't wait until after Xmas that's just an excuse let him have the tree go get a discounted one this weekend

Lampan · 20/12/2019 09:25

Yes @Hoppinggreen I recognise elements of this story too!
I would like to say to OP that being alone is way way better than being in a bad relationship. Especially as you have your Dad and kids. You need to end this now. None of it is good.

readitandwept · 20/12/2019 09:32

OP said earlier in the thread that she met him in the summer

Sagradafamiliar · 20/12/2019 09:35

Absolute madness, OP and when you write it down, surely you can see it, too.
If you can't stop this car crash in it's tracks for your own sake, do it for your kids. It should never have been in question that they should have to put on a pretence of a 'family christmas' with your needy boyfriend, you should never have put a Christmas tree in his house above your own. You are their family. Have your Christmas together with them, and see your boyfriend at a time which suits. Get his kids presents and put together a little hamper if they really are going without and then contact social services or NSPCC if their dad really does need help providing for them. An accidental dog pregnancy is absolutely ridiculous, responsible dog owners don't end up in this mess. His priorities are fucked but it's down to professionals to guide him, not you. You have your own demanding set of responsibilities.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 20/12/2019 09:45

He adopted the kids years ago over there and has had the dog for years. The dog travelled pregnant but had the puppies over here before he moved, I can't give too many details as it will get outing

OP posts:
Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 20/12/2019 09:47

We're not having Christmas there as I said, last night I told him clearly how I felt and I'm getting the tree back today.

I have everything here at my dads for a lovely Christmas with my kids and my dad and other family,

I've bought his kids a couple of presents and my dad has too so they won't have nothing, I can't help feel worried about them having a nice time but I have told him they're his responsibility

After today I'm no longer doing school lifts either

OP posts:
Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 20/12/2019 09:48

He was very apologetic and upset

OP posts:
Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 20/12/2019 09:50

He wasn't working here he stayed here for a bit with the kids then they went back over there to stay with his family while he worked before moving back here with him

We met through mutual friends and he knows my aunt too who sort of set us up. We went on a lot of dates and trips and always had a nice time he was never controlling or inconsiderate during that time at all

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 20/12/2019 09:51

I bet he was.
He will probably behave for a bit now until you let your guard down
Be very honest with yourself - if he wasn’t living down the road and you didn’t feel guilty he’s moved here for you what would you do?

readitandwept · 20/12/2019 09:51

You were doing the school run for these kids you've known for a matter of months?

He saw you coming.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 20/12/2019 09:52

I just keep worrying what if they have no crackers or no hot meal or no stockings or anything like that I know I know it's not my responsibility but I can't help feeling sad about it no they're not neglected they're in an expensive house there's food and yes there is hearing it's just a generally draughty cold house but anyway

Again not my problem but the guilt is still there

OP posts:
Embracelife · 20/12/2019 09:56

It is not your job to do stockings for those kids.
Maybe his tradition doesn't do that anyway . His kids are his responsibility. They are not your kids.
You do your kids Christmas how you do it.with your family.
Meet him boxing day.

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