Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

Hello all, please may I join you? I've been lurking and trying to get the courage to post. littlegirllost I could have written that myself. It's not all bad, but we have drifted so very far apart and I dont really want to try any more. He could easily find someone else and I am just utterly exhausted from it all. Early 50s, 3 teens, only 1 at home. Married nearly 20 years. He had an affair years ago and I should have ended it then (for both our sakes), but I was scared and I didn't.

He just takes the joy out of everything. Always looking for an ulterior motive with people and always has to be right. Not just with me, but with the DCs too. He gets stressed and takes it out on us. This Christmas is the first one with just one DC left at home - the other 2 came home for Christmas. He got all shitty with me about nothing on Christmas eve and its been downhill since then. He argues for the sake of it and if any of us try to argue back he shuts it down and that's that. I'm sick and tired and had enough.

We went to a family meal today and on the way there he managed to make it the fault of my youngest son that HE missed a turning. My middle one even had the guts to say that youngest had done nothing wrong and I piped up too. God I hated him then.

He's been expecting sex for days now and I've managed to avoid it but I can't much longer without yet another row about that particular issue.

By next September, all my children will be left home and I can go. I dont know if I can last until then but I don't want to disrupt my son's last year at home either.

We've talked about separating over the years - me after his affair and him since then mainly due to lack of sex. I really can't muster any sexual feelings for someone I don't even like half the time. But then when we've cleared the air, things are good for a while and I think I'm crazy. Until he starts with the digs/negativity/general arsiness again and back to square one we go. Deep down I think he's as miserable as me but neither of us has the balls to be the one to end it. I sometimes fantasize about him dying suddenly or telling me he's met someone else. I'm so spineless and I despise myself for it.

What a mess. I know it's my own fault.

Sorry to ramble on. I can't say any of this in real life and it feels good to be able to tell someone. Love and peace to all of us in this situation.

Oh and yes to pp who mentioned feeling certain one minute and grief and guilt the next. I'm on constant alert for his moods, I'm drinking too much, shut myself down mentally and feel empty. I used to be a brave, confident person. All the fight's gone out of me.

That happens and you become a assistant to serve their needs and not your own your more than just a mum and wife I'm leaveing my husband in new year and planning my getaway I'm lucky my kids have left home and I can go live with family financially I couldn't live on my own it's scary but also I'm excited I intend to save money and go on holiday on my own I feel now I've made this choice it's like a weight is iff my shoulder we dont gave sex I dont even like him .My partner us nasty and a horrible person and nasty to me when it's like that I decided why fight to save it

😂 Pretty much my reaction. Admittedly the last 2 years has been really tough for both of us. He's had a tough time at work, he's struggled with having 3 kids and with DC SEN and MH issues, and one of his good friends died last year. Its been hard for both of us, he has had a lot of stress, he tends to shut it out and focus on the wrong things. It's a mess, but it's not as simple as he's an arse, I wish it was. He can't cope with it all, he gets moody and snappy when he's stressed and this year aggressively angry. So sick as I am I'm left to support the kids, to do the parenting, to get them to medical appointments and therapy and tests when I'm a breath away from collapsing myself. It's just a really really shit situation. We've both let each other down, I can't deal with his stress on top of everything else. We're not sleeping together, that stopped 6 months ago, after his scary meltdown. I made an excuse about not getting sleep, with his snoring and how that was making my pain so much worse, so now I'm in with the littlest one. Just gives him something else to lay the blame on.

That was in reply to @SoTiredTonight and @Cccsss011. When I started my reply there were no other posts, just took a while to write.

@Babs784 I wish mine would meet someone else too. I used to wish he'd die sometimes too, I was so angry at him. Now I'm just sad and I wish he'd have the balls to leave, like he seems to want to instead off this. I don't want to hurt him, so I keep wishing he'd meet someone else then it could just be me and the kids, peaceful. I don't ever want to find anyone else. I just want space and aloneness to heal.

Hi everyone, I typed this post about all the things that went down over the last few days & somehow lost it !! Haha.( shaking my head).
So exhausting I don't think I could write it all again.
He's moved quite a lot of stuff out & spent the last 2 nights at his dad's.
The first thing I did was put freshly washed sheets on the bed...so that was lovely.
It feels really weird, a bit nice but weird. Dd she's 10, woke up &the first thing she said was she was feeling happy. She wasn't before, (for a long time) so thats promising. I'm swinging between peace & guilt.
I keep questioning if he was an arse , or did I imagine it all, mildly confused & sad...but only every now & again. He popped in last night & I could feel myself get tense & stressed. Not because anything happened, but that's what I feel when he's near me. I feel completely different when he's not. Felt peaceful when I woke up. Not running around meeting his needs I guess.
OEJ1979
Love the sound of jumping out of a plane, that's awesome.
Would love to pm? You , I'm only just managing my way around posting here!!! Only just have a clue his to do that !!!
I see we have some new "fellow travellers sadly " Hugs to everyone. Its a rotten place to be ...especially this time of year.
I want to say Thankyou to all of you. Posting & reading really gave me the strength to not cave in. There were moments I wanted to stop the ride & get off, but I feel this is actually right. Not only that , but you all kept me sane ...& not at the bottom of a wine bottle. Many years ago, I did a brief stint as an alcoholic (couldn't face up or deal with all of this then either) .so I drank to escape. I flatly refused to do that again, but I couldn't have done it without all of you.

I wish mine would meet someone else too

Mine too, though I don't know who'd have him.

The day after mine broke the no-alcohol in the house rule, and I was clear and direct in my response, he though he'd invite me to a NYE party. I was incredulous - I wanted so badly to say 'I do not see us as a couple, so don't ask me to do couple things with you' but I didn't. I think I am scared of his reaction to me saying that.

I am going crazy in this situation though. My eldest moves out in a month; I am thinking that maybe I can at the least set up separate bedrooms.

@Babs784 @ToBreatheAgain @JanesKettle you are so right on the meet someone else front. It would help me stop feeling so sad for him. I know I shouldn't feel responsible for him and his happiness, but I still do. That has been the downside of making the leap.
Well I say it's a leap, but really I think it's been more like rock climbing, feeling gingerly for each hold and shifting my weight gradually as I move upwards and away from twenty years with him. The fear was the worst part. I do have a tendency to catastrophise...not healthy!
Well, let's see what 2020 holds..fingers crossed for everyone.

@JanesKettle we were in separate rooms for over a year before I told him I wanted to separate. If you can do that if is a sensible first step. We didn't have a spare room, but he slept either on the sofa or in with one of the kids as and when. The snoring was the excuse I used.

Sheddingskins

Thank you. OK, I have my sensible first step. I can use sleep as a reason too.

I can really relate to wishing he would meet someone else. Partly because he is a nice guy and I want him to be happy, but also partly because it will make him the bad guy instead of me.
I've been sleeping in with the youngest child for a couple of months now. It's definitely been my first baby step towards detaching. I thought it might be a temporary move, but I'm loving sleeping alone!
I keep telling myself small steps is the way to go, but it's so frustrating being toed somewhere you don't want to be.

Hi, your story is so similar to mine it’s uncanny. My son is 14 so waiting until he’s off doing his own thing then I’ll be off myself too.
It’s unbearable being home with him over the holidays. I’ve even made him go and visit his parents tomorrow so I can have a day without him!!! We went out for a woodland walk yesterday. I tell you what, I drive as usual to the place and we didn’t speak to each other the whole way there. We have absolutely nothing in common with each other and nothing to say!!
It was five during the walk but on the way home he picked an argument with my son by overreacting about something really trivial. So spoiling the day yet again!
He apologised later to my son and me but the damage is done then.
I’m really trying to keep it together for my son’s sake but it is getting impossible.
I spoke to him last night about how unhappy I was and brought up a couple on instances when we’d argued over the last week and he just looked at me blank.
He really is so unaware of how unhappy I’ve been and of his own behaviour. It’s exasperating!!!!
Sometimes I think he plays dumb but does know I’m unhappy just so the subject isn’t brought up. I’ve said to him many times how I understand now why his first wife left him taking the two kids with her!!!
The reality is, we have a lovely home and neither of us can afford to divorce. I won’t do it to my son anyway.

ToBreathAgain dont mean to sound harsh but your making excuses for him if hes a arse hes a arse simples doesn't give him the right to treat you like crap...get out I am xxx

I don't know if anyone's up? It's over. We had the talk, initiated by him and long story short is that we both agreed that while we have been a great team as parents and friends, our romantic relationship is done.

It was surreal and I'm having real trouble processing what has just happened. I've come downstairs as he needs to get up in the morning.

I still and always will love him and he feels the same. We talked about how good we used to be together and I've been crying in and iff since. It's just run its course but I am in bits. I dont know how I expected to feel (maybe I thought he might fight for me a bit? I'm so confused) but I just feel beyond sad, devastated, like I've failed. I want him to be happy and asked if he felt relieved as he was so calm and he said that yes, he did feel relieved in a way.

We'll talk more tomorrow. I'm honestly heartbroken and feeling panicky.

@Babs784 - I’m up and I’m so sorry you are going through this xx

@Babs784 - Is it too late for counselling as you both do love each other still? Maybe it’s possible with support to fall in love with each other again?

@PurpleBee39 Thank you so much for talking to me. Now that it's been said I feel like I want to take it all back, I'm just terrified and so is he.

The trouble is that we have touched on separation before and either I let myself get talked round or we both got cold feet and agreed to try again. But what always happened was that we would make up, clear the air, have sex, feel incredibly close and things are good for a few days/weeks until it all slips again and we go back to this limbo. Usually it was me withdrawing or getting irritated and the menopause/almost no sex drive has been a huge problem.

He acknowledged his part and apologised genuinely for all the times he's hurt me and told me what a fantastic wife and mother I've been. He told me that his family love me deeply and he'll make sure I stay part of his family.

He did make a few hurtful remarks that I think were unecessary but what the hell now. I told him that while we did a good thing in fighting to get back on track after his affair ( which I discovered 7 years ago - it had lasted about 2 years and had been over a while by then) things had never been the same for me. Once the initial adrenaline and hysterical bonding wore off, I began to detach really to protect myself.

On holiday a few months ago, we stayed with some friends. Similar ages, years married, DCs etc. I told him tonight that I saw how they were with each other, how easy, sincere and devoted they were and I really envued them which saddened me. He said he saw and felt the same. I didn't tell him that the wife of this couple remarked to me one day that 'he must be in a good mood today - he's being nice to you'. That saddened me too.

Sorry I'm rambling. I can't quite believe it.

@Babs784 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think even if you're both done it would be really hard for if to feel anything but heartbreak when you've been together a long time and had kids. I don't think it's ever going to not hurt.

@Cccsss011 not harsh. But I'm more trying to be fair then make excuses. He has been through a lot for me over the years, he was there for me through so much. He has been so horrible this year, there is no excusing that. He's been someone I could never have imagined he could be. But there was once something good here, there was once so much love and support. It'd be so much easier if there hadn't been. If he was just an arse.

That should say ever going to not hurt initially. A good friend went through this a couple years ago, she was so heartbroken. It was a really tough first year, but she's happier now and glad it happened.

I read something on another thread that made me really think, the poster said what decided her was a series of questions her friend asked.

Does this man "get" me ? Does he truly understand what's important to me?

• Does he go out of his way to help or support me?
• Can I see myself with him in old age?

if i had a serious long term illness would I want him caring for me?

• Is he kind to me?

I don't know if that's helpful. I do know for me all the answers would be a firm no.

Babs

So sorry you are hurting right now.

Once the initial adrenaline and hysterical bonding wore off, I began to detach really to protect myself

Yes. I understand. Sometimes it takes a long time for things to finally unravel, but the initiating event(s) are always there.

Thank you to each and everyone who has replied with kind words.

When I joined this thread, I never imagined it would escalate in 48 hrs to this.
I'm devastated and just broken this morning. He's sent me some nice texts but I think it's clear that he wouldn't be up for any further trying. He's seems to have well and truly checked out. We are just so different and now that the DCs are almost all gone, there doesn't seem to be enough to hold us together. What a cliche eh?

I'm taking my eldest back to uni tomorrow and anither back at the end of the week and I dont know how I can put a brave face on in the meantime, but I will.

As much as I know its right, I'm so scared. I've spent almost half my life with him.

I should bow out of this thread now as my situation is not what this lively supportive thread is about.

Thank you everyone. I have nobody in rl that I can talk to (apart from my counsellor who I've been seeing for grief counselling) and I'm very grateful that you've lent me your collective wisdom, kindness and support. Good luck to everyone. My heart is breaking for all of us.

Lovely, not lively. X

I checked in on this thread a few days ago after an expectedly bleurgh Christmas, and I feel so for us all.
Karigan your post really touched me and I am not sure whether anyone responded to you, so I must say how sorry I am that you are in this situation. I also got into debt during maternity leave because it was too difficult to ask for money for basic bills and expenses. I have been sacrificing so much to repay it on my own for several years, and finally made my last payment this summer. DCs' dad is none the wiser, because I know he would have been unkind about it and failed to see how his behaviour contributed to that situation arising. I totally see how shit it must be for you, and extend a hand of friendship and support

This is the nicest,most supportive thread I've seen on MN, regarding those of us in unhappy relationships. I'm not even ready to post mine yet but will be checking in.