Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

@Babs784 hang on in there, it's so tough. It felt utterly surreal for me and incredibly sad. Don't fight what you are feeling, try and let it wash over you, each emotion will pass. Take care and don't leave the thread unless you really want to...everyone here has a different story and are at different stages of their journeys x

To posters I’ve been unable to reply to individually I apologise. “Dh” asks me what I’m doing any time he sees me type on my phone and there’s only so many excuses I can come up with. Don’t want him knowing I’m on mumsnet.
He managed to get one of the dc to “gang up” on me with him to paint me being in the wrong on a family day out. Getting made out to be the one spoiling things is really hurtful. Having one of the dc pipe up was hard

@Babs784 I am so very very sorry, your posts brought tears to my eyes as I can imagine exactly what it feels like. We’d gotten to a similar point in the past and it hurt like hell, despite being a sort of relief too. Then somehow just plodded on and months later still in this weird limbo where I’ve no idea where it’s going.
Please don’t leave the thread, or maybe start a new one of you think this one isn’t appropriate. I think holding each other up during this shit eases things, if only the tiniest bit. Often I just read along and feel comforted that I’m not the only one going through it... sending you the biggest virtual hug!

Just caught up on posts as been so low I've just been a waste of space and I know it's just another day but dreading NYE as I'll be in the house alone with him and it all just feels too sad. I ended up having to be taken to a&e day after Boxing Day with an ear infection that I'd been playing down until one of the dc pointed out the side of my head was all swollen and so a very annoyed man drove me and his only words on the 30 min drive were 'why didn't you say something earlier' I said that the kids were looking forward to a day out and I really didn't want to ruin their fun. 7 hrs sat in a packed hosp without him saying a word to me I felt like it was so obvious to Everyone!! Because I'd been in earlier in the year needing intravenous antibiotics the dr gave me a big dose and sent me home with 7 days worth of tablets. Omg he said 'what's the f**king point we'll be back here in two days with her needing it intravenous!'
I just wanted to cry , then driven home in silence . I had to try so hard not to cry and I've not been spoken to since . Really awful knowing all of you are struggling too it feels so sad but so full of anxiety at everything to come too . Sending you all hugs ♥️

@coffeeisaddictedtome I’m so sorry you’re not well, and so sad that he’s being so shitty even when you’re sick.
Never ever think of yourself as a waste of space though! Just because you might feel that you are in his eyes, that does not define your worth! Try and get some rest and look after yourself, being sick doesn’t help when you are already feeling rock bottom. Wrap up warm if you can and try to do something that makes you feel relaxed, you’ve got the perfect excuse as even he’d have to admit! Sending hugs!

@coffeeisaddictedtome when you’re ill it’s harder to put your game face on and deflect those comments. He’s an arse.

Mine is back fused with the sofa, it’s been 3 days. He said he was going to build DD’s dolls house (it still hasn’t been done and was a birthday gift 4 months ago)

@SodaSodaBanana and @SoTiredTonight thank you x ohhhh he's being even worse the house every room except my bedroom looks like a war zone ! I struggle with a chronic illness anyway so I'm buggered if when I get a bit of energy he thinks I'm playing Cinderella again ! I just want some peace x sending you all hugs and going to try get some sleep xxxxxxx you lot should too xx

feel better soon, coffee

In same boat as you, sick, on top of chronic stuff...but H is going out tonight to a friends. I suppose he'll drink. I can't do anything about it. Just glad we'll be apart tonight.

😐 @JanesKettle bless you ! X I don't know about you but the bloody chronic illness stuff is so frustrating!! I keep thinking about how I was a few years ago and I cannot imagine doing the stuff I did in a day in a month now! It's so hard not looking back at how you use to be! I'd be the life & soul of the party now it's hard not to feel like a thing who spends most of its time in bed unless it's having a good few hours !! As much as I can I try , my hair is short and don't dye it so that takes no time and I do put a bit of make up on when I can even if just sitting in pj's but I soooo miss working (which I never thought I'd say) miss the interaction with people and hearing others opinions and views on anything and everything . I went out for a few hours into town when my eldest came to stay before Xmas and it was so nice just chatting walking around looking at things . X can't sleep now but so tired . He knew about my illness before we got together and he knew I would never have moved in with him if I wasn't 110% sure because I was safe and secure where I was and haven't the energy to start again looking for somewhere to live. We'd been together quite a while in which time I lost my dad and he promised him he'd always look after us and that he wanted to marry me ... only now for him to say he thought it would cheer me up at the time and he felt like he had to say those things. Tonight's one of those nights where I feel so angry and annoyed for being lied too but so sad that the man he showed himself to be to others is not the man he really is x sorry for rambling ♥️

sorry for rambling

Not at all, it's good to have a place to vent, ramble, whatever. It's so hard. Yeah, the chronic stuff is frustrating. Just having less energy to start with makes everything just that bit more difficult.

Here's to better times x

@coffeeisaddictedtome mine knew about my illness before we moved in, got married etc. He never knew me before. I thought he was so supportive till he wasn't, but then looking back pre kids I think I simply shielded him from it so much, that he rarely had to deal with the reality of it. It adds an extra barrier to be too sick to work when trying to leave, then there's little kids and as little as he helps, I still need that help right now. I miss how I used to be, what I could do even 2 years ago. I keep getting sicker and Im so afraid.

@Idontkowmyname
The blame game thing is a sickener. It's started my end as well. I absorbed all his nonsense all over xmas (we agreed to spend it together) and shielded them from his ire, then when I finally got irritable with him back, admittedly over a small (but last straw) deliberately obstructive act, my eldest said why are you picking on Dad, he only did xyz...
After six months of walking on eggshells I was a bit gutted. But I know that it's coming from his painting himself as a victim when he has the kids..
For all those suffering with chronic health conditions, I really hope 2020 will bring you relief. I have been there, albeit temporarily, and it is so hard. Be gentle with yourselves. xx

@Sheddingskins thanks for your post. Found myself lying in bed and reflecting on the past 20 years with 2020 coming in. Back to sharing a bed with “dh” and had to hold back the tears as I lay in bed. . I suppose I was reflecting on the what if’s. Wouldn’t change the dc for the world but saddened by their viewpoint now that he can do no wrong.
How is everyone else feeling about seeing in the new year with their partners? It’s scary to know that due to circumstances I’m still going to be trapped with him and his shitty behaviour next year, unless I win the lottery.

@Idontkowmyname I keep praying for a lottery win and had never played it in my life till a few months ago !!! I imagine there's quite a few of us hoping x seems strange today lying here like you thinking of all that's changed and even though I'm not usually too fussed about NYE really feeling low and wishing I could fall asleep now and wake up tomo already x

Thank you so much for this thread. Sorry to hear everyone is in similar depressing situations. I posted on the relationships board in general about my marriage and mostly received just to LTB and what was the worst was I was criticised for my lack of career goals. I've always wanted to be a mum and a wife and wanted to be a Sahm. I realise how naive I was now. I entered into my marriage young at around 23years old and had quite idealistic views about how marriage would be. If only i had waited a bit. It's been about 10 years now. 3 DS later and things have getting progressively worse between my "dh" and I. He's generally irritable with me, short tempered and sulks if things don't go his way. There's many other things I could list but you get the jist. I'm scared to leave for several reasons. I don't want my boys growing up with no father around. Despite being cold towards me he's a hands on loving father. Secondly I can't bear to be financially dependent on my parents who are in their 70s and we don't have a great relationship and thirdly I just don't know if I have the physical or mental energy to raise 3 boys on my own. I know it was stupid of me to have 3 kids but I hope people can understand on here how things don't always go as you expect. Thanks for listening, my heart goes out to all of you x

Can I join please? We've been living separately in the same house for just over a year now after incident if dv, although really been in sep rooms for a good while. That snoring excuse for me too! I do wish I'd just ended it there and then but thought I was protecting the family. He has had mental health issues for 3 years prior to DV but was aggressive and vile anyway.
I've told him after New Year we work out how we separate. He doesn't agree... complete denial.
it doesn't help that we're on a prearranged holiday so closer than normal although still separate rooms.
I've read through all the threads and send hugs and support to all. I can identify with most of what you've all said such as not wanting to ask for money in a controlling relationship. Information being with held. He says but I tried to talk you, you just don't want to listen. I say you could have just said anything at anytime but you don't. Financially reckless and controlling. Gaslighting. Playing the victim. Painting himself to be the wronged person because now he's started trying therefore it's me that is wrecking the family. He's apologised for the last nearly 4 years so now that's done and box ticked it's all ok - and it's almost as though that's wiped away everything and we can start again. Tells me nothing's so broken that it can't be fixed, well I am well and truly done.
I've been in a terrible mood today, I so don't want to pretend we're all ok and toast in the New Year. I am however looking forward to 2020. I know that things can only get better and it's a year of change. Im under no illusions, it's going to be shit, but I will come out the other side. Happy New Year and stay strong to everyone in this thread.

Hi @PressToChange & @Spinakker x I can't believe how many of us there are now 🙁 . Oh my God , I might scream in a mo !! His new thing is phone volume on full so I get to hear every bloody 'derdada ' when a new WhatsApp message comes through ! Like a million in a few minutes.... ok slight exaggeration but really feel like he is trying to push me to snap and I'm trying soooo bloody hard not to! I really don't care anymore if he is being mr wonderful to everyone else right now or if it's a woman texting because God help her when he shows his true colours I just want to be out of this a free as i don't want to get any lower than I feel right now . X

He’s in a foul mood as I didn’t want to share a shower with him earlier. Now eating in the bedroom as a protest(we had both agreed the bedroom was food free due to new light coloured carpets) and who wants crumbs in their clean bed sheets anyway! Can see him ignoring me by being on his phone or his laptop ignoring me as the new year comes in.

@Idontkowmyname bless you x why is it that they think they have the right to control everything and it's either their way or no way !! I'm sat here now as daughter gone to her 1st NYE sleepover party 🥳. He's in the kitchen and all I can hear is cans keep opening ... nothing new there , so I've decided change my bedding , clean room , pick at face 😬😬😬 put on a face pack and paint nails 😊. Going to make lists of things I'd like , things I need , a things to do list and any other list that springs to mind! In reality I could just pull the duvet on the unmade bed and fall asleep but convincing myself to move even if it's only to sort my face out which is now ermmm sore 😬😬 x

Can I join please?

I have been unhappy for over a year but it all really came to a head a few months ago after I pretty much fell into an emotional affair with a colleague after I broke down at work one day about my husband’s behaviour. He very kindly said perhaps I needed to assess my marriage as we were so close and he was right. We have gone NC outside of work, and it’s all over now, but it really woke me up.

DH has depression and drinks too much. Consistently says he is going to do this or that about it, but never does. Continually either ignores me when I’m speaking, or interrupts me, but gets offended if I start to lose interest while he’s talking at me for 30 minutes about all his problems and how he is going to change (he never does). Sex is non-existent because I just don’t feel that way towards him any more. His way of trying it on is to grab my boobs or arse when I’m trying to do household tasks....we had a big talk a few months back where we both promised to try but if I’m honest I’m done. I want to live in a little house with our 2 DD’s and he can see them as much as he likes because he is a fantastic father, I just feel our relationship has run it’s course.

We got together at 20, I’m now 31 and I feel I have changed a lot, while he hasn’t.

Feeling very down tonight as I just can’t see a way out.

Hugs to all same situation although son moved out and I now work overtime so have a income if only a small one and am moving back to my 70 year old mum at end of jan have planned to go in secret husband known to be violent at times so best way!!I have a modest income but can afford to pay my way living with my mum and when anything happens to her house us mine anyways so I'm ok and lucky to have her if I stay any longer I may not have the option been married only 6 years second time and son 20 hates him I wont be making the mistake again!!! I'm 40 after xmas had kids married young first time round and only now have time for myself have decided a man of 45 that wont cook clean or pull his weight isnt for me .Hes been violent in the past biggest thing was not been able to support myself but if I share with mum I can so I'm escaping am relieved and now just getting stuff sorted and off I go it is hard but if u have to plan for years ahead still try ladies get a full time job save some cash soon as kids big enough go go go!!!

OM bloody good grief Idonthknow, how do they seem to miss these subtle cues like never in a million years will I jump in the shower with you.
Coffee,I took your approach and did a long bath, face stuff etc. Slightly mistimed it though as by the time I got downstairs there was only half an hour left of James Bond. DS watching with H. Obviously could not neglect a Daniel Craig at his finest so watched the rest so by the time ds went to bed 3 mins before midnight (in Europe so 1 hr ahead).

Stood on the balcony, different ends to watch fire works. Now in bed. I did it.
Hello 2020! I have you as my year of decision. My year of action. My year of change. My positive year - no matter how shit it feels. I probably sound very green and naive to those who have already done this but I don't think I am. It will be utter crap as I think he is a narcissist and that never ends well. But it will end eventually 😬

@Losingcontrol sounds very familiar.

This has to be my year to change too. I don't know how much longer I can do this without the stress destroying me. DH is a bully, but about little things, that if I told someone they'd just be well you don't have to do what he says or that it was just petty stuff that doesn't really matter. I get the blame for everything, he can always twist things to make it my fault, even if what I wanted/suggested is the opposite of what he did. It used to be not so bad, I could shrug it off, but now every time he tells me I can't do xyz or have to do it differently I just have flashbacks to him kicking stuff across the room, angry and yelling and I feel frozen with terror. It wasn't even that bad, nothing like some of the stuff on here, but he was so angry, I was really scared he'd do something terrible. I desperately need to be less sick so I can stand up to him long enough to separate.

@PressToChange yes they are clueless. I mean it’s been months since we’ve done anything more than a quick peck, why on earth would I want to do something as intimate as that with him. I’ve had to start locking the door to stop him walking in on me :-(
I’ve got no idea where to go from here to be honest.

I think it's because it's so separate in their minds. Sex is just sex, it doesn't carry all the emotional stuff for dh it does for me. Doesnt matter to DH how bad things are between us, he still wants sex. He does his nasty little things, then feels better, he's back in control or let the stress out, whatever benefit it gives him, then he feels happy again and, whereas me I'm left feeling crushed and the last thing I want is intimacy.