Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

Thanks @OEJ1979. Not in the UK. Where I live 50/50 is very much the norm. If the father wants 50/50 it's very hard to get anything else. I know women who were in abusive marriages whose EXs still got 50/50. I might be able to delay it a 2 years due to DC age, but it's highly likely that's what we'll end up with.

@OEJ1979
I think I'm married to a master manipulator . Its 9:45pm here in Australia & he's currently sitting on my couch eating an ice cream.
He doesn't care (really) about anyone but himself. I see him rehearsing the victim status with the kids..(very good manly though...because mums not happy so we have to do what's best for her).
I inherited $150000 & its all gone
He refused to do anything sensible with it. Said he would with his mouth, but never actually got around to it.
He's now decided to take my car to move his stuff.... I won't be able to go anywhere till he brings it back tomorrow.

@Sametimenextyear. Amazes me that I’m talking with someone in Australia. On my hit list. I did a skydive for the first time this year and now want to travel the world and see it from a birds eye view.
It’s unreal how good they are at it.
H has always been so over the top affectionate which he still tries in front of kids. Just to make sure they know he loves mummy! Therefore will forever be my fault.
I do regret not powering through when I asked him to go the first time. Fear got the better of me.
I’ll be popping the wellies on for a walk in the woods. Maybe you should get the flip flops out and do the same. Fresh air does the world of good. Although you maybe in bed now!
I’m not sure but I think here the inheritance would be removed from their 1/2 of the pot. Obviously different rules in different places.
Longing for sunshine. We normally have a lot of holidays but he stopped this year as I was too fat and hadn’t done what I was told.
I hope you have a better day when you wake up. Do dm me if you wish to

Even if your area is 50/50 I’d challenge that as strongly as possible, unless you think it’s a good thing for your kids. There is no evidence that children are better off under 50/50 and plenty to suggest it only works with a high level of cooperation between parents.

Anyway we are all here because we are in awful limbo land and need to make sure we are not here next Christmas!

At least our New Years resolution is sorted!

I’m very lonely. Feel utterly alone in being a mum and I know full well most of our exes will have a much easier time finding a younger new wife. It’s rubbish. I feel it’s so unfair I want to scream.

@OEJ1979 apparently there’s a term for men getting very suddenly dad oriented whilst divorcing - when they were like pulling a stubborn mule to be a dad before! It’s that common. Don’t worry about it they won’t keep it up.

@Sametimenextyear
"He doesn't care (really) about anyone but himself. I see him rehearsing the victim status with the kids..(very good manly though...because mums not happy so we have to do what's best for her)."

DH does this too. Says we have to do xyz because that's what mum wants or we can't do xyz because mummy says no. When he hasn't even listened to me and is often contradicting what I actually said. But that's my fault too apparently because I don't communicate enough. I'm limited in what I can do with my illness, DH wants to do something he knows I'll say no too because of how sick I am, so he'll ask the kids if they want to do it, then tell them he wants to do it too but it's up to mummy and get them to come and ask me, so I either have to put myself through awful pain or be the bad guy whose always saying no to the kids.

@ToBreatheAgain I can really relate to getting made out to be the “bad guy”!
mum doesn’t want you doing that, mum said no, repeatedly asking me to join in an activity that he knows I can’t actually do. Snide comments about mum not wanting the dc to have fun.

@WildChristmas
You scream. As loud as you possibly can. I jumped out of a plane to do it and would go back there in a second if I could.

Your comment on him being a dad made me chuckle.
He thinks playing games all day is all being a dad is. It’s more than a lot do I know and he adores his children but he is another child. And that is what I can’t deal with anymore.

I think the kids understand more than we think. My three have started to open up about their memories of their earlier childhood, and most are coloured by his foul moods and aggressive and pompous attitude. Has been a real eye-opener. I am being very Kissinger-like, and do not criticise H, but I have to let them have their say.

I think our eldest understands a lot more than DH thinks, I've said that to him, he disagrees. Middle DC SEN means he's younger than his years developmentally, so I don't think he really gets it, but I know that he felt scared when DH had his angry melt down. Youngest is definitely too little. Eldest sometimes uses me as a conduit for things they don't want to talk to dad about because they're scared he'll get angry. It's soul destroying to hear that, but I don't think DH will ever acknowledge that his behaviour is wrong, is damaging. I never ever thought I'd hear my child say their father scared them, 2 years ago I would have sworn blind DH could never be that person. Moody yes, snappy yes, but not scary. I'm so lost now, lost and heartbroken. So so sad all the time.

@ToBreatheAgain he sounds incredibly manipulative. Playing off your ill health like that is indefensible (and I'm so sorry that you are poorly).
It's tough enough trying to manage a dying and abusive relationship when you are ostensibly fully fit, let alone unwell. Your kids will see through his bullshit. They know you love them. My H is pulling a 'poor me none of this is my fault and Mum is the one who wants to be apart' job. But it's not working. You hang in there!

As they get bigger they start to block out the shouty Rumpelstiltskin behaviour, they become less phased by it. But the worry that they will be long term affected by it was one of the main drivers for me to call time. I want their home to be a happy and balanced place. And I would rather give them that for 50% of the time and trust that was enough to see them through.

Hello, can I join please? We have been together for 10 years and have 2 DC. DH is a difficult person to live with. We can’t seem to be in the same room together without a screaming match, the constant fights are draining. Older dc has picked up on the fights and it breaks my heart. I kicked dh out earlier this year and he lived with his mum for a week. Really don’t know what the future holds for us now.

We all seem to have similar concerns regarding the children. My eldest DD knows I asked H to leave. She spent a long time being angry with me mainly. She has now admitted it’s because she is waiting for me to do it again.
H has ‘banned’ me of talking to her about it. I stopped to start but now don’t. If she wants to know something I tell her without slating her dad. She finds him wired!
I wish I had just followed through back in October or he had just gone for a couple of weeks.
I’m lucky that financially I will be ok. I won’t be able to give them the holidays they are used to but I will make up for it other ways.
DD will also be ok it’s DS I worry about. He idolises him. But I can’t bear the thought of him growing up to be like him.
I do believe he will manipulate them both into saying they want to be with him when I know emotionally he can’t give anyone what they need because life is about him and him only.
Do I carry on for them?
Or do I go and pray that judges will see through him and do what’s right?

Two days ago it was go. 48 hours and I’m confused

Mines started a new tactic since Christmas. Beforehand I had criticism after criticism and him telling me how annoying I am.

He's calmed it down since I told him that he's been trying to bully me for 4 years but we've now got him trying to make himself a victim, he's asking me questions calmly which are really digs but when I call him out he acts like an injured party "I'm just asking you a question" Its hard to explain but I know him well enough to know what he's trying to do. He thinks I'm stupid.

Feeling down about everything today.
Finances mean I'm forced to stay here for now. Just feels like I'm wasting my life waiting to leave, and I'm still not sure it's the right thing to do. DP is not a terrible person, but we really are just living like housemates. The lack of intimacy is not something I want to live with anymore, and the thought of it being like this for another 20, 30 or 40 years is really depressing. I don't love him anymore, I'm not sure I even like him most of the time. We barely talk anymore and I have become completely detached emotionally.
I plan on having the separation talk in the new year, but so worried he is going to make things difficult.
Maybe this is just what life is like and I should just get on with it.

Unfortunately it’s a highly emotional and manipulative time, reading all the posts. I think we have to get really tough to get through it.

DP had a very angry outburst a couple of months ago and I was prepared to take the kids and move temporarily there and then. He was manipulating me to be able to move his awful SIL back into DSs life again - she is being lined up as ‘Mum’ for when we separate. I won’t have it - it’s like a war. It’s awful. I felt like I was being replaced already and I’ve not even separated yet.

I’m being very firm. Even though my heart is really breaking. I still love DP and wanted desperately to make it work between us and be a happy family. It’s not going to work as DP is more interested in having a number of women at his beck and call and a life without having to care for his child. I keep having to remind myself of that.

Sorry people are having such a hard time.

I feel like he's finally pushed all the love out of me, I've told him for so long that this would be the outcome if he carried on 🤷🏻‍♀️Now I'm just full of resentment towards him.

He keeps telling me the lack of sex is a big problem but why would I want to have sex with someone who so regularly points out all my flaws (real and the ones he makes up).

@baubled we've had the same issue. He blames lack of sex so much, we've had a conversation many times that goes along the lines of him complaining about lack of sex, me telling him I can't have sex with someone who is moody and snappy and leaves all the parenting and nights and early mornings to me and that if he wants more sex he needs to treat me me kindy. Que him saying he'll be nicer once we're having more sex and not before. I tried it once and it made no difference to his behaviour.

He will be nicer once he gets more sex but not before ? Nicer as in pulling his weight with his own children ? It’s mind boggling

Waiting till his parents return from working abroad although hes 41 as hes useless with Bill's housing and mental health so they can help him find somewhere to live etc but it's hard we arguing but I just ignore him and try not to get rilled up but last night he was messing and when I tried to pull his quilt I got told if I didnt stop annoying him he would punch me!!has done twice before not really bad but bad enough I'm thinking I maybe cannot wait but I'm trying I'm off to my mums ....no kids involved .He has very poor mental health and I think if his family are not here he will try to take his own life if I leave ....one reason why I haven't gone so far

@Cccsss011 I'm sorry you're in such a horr situation. I hope you don't have long to wait. Is this any way you could get him some help with his MH that would enable you to leave?

@comingintomyown more his moodiness and snapping. He says lack of sex stresses him out, stops him sleeping 🙄 etc. When he's being moody and snappy and leaving all the cleaning up after everyone to me it doesn't exactly get me in the mood.

@ToBreatheAgain He says lack of sex stresses him out, stops him sleeping Oh poor bloody him. Can’t believe the cheek. Tell him to get some Valium or use his hands! If that’s all he’s stressed about, he’s either very shallow or a complete snowflake. Does he live in the real world?

I agree I'd tell him to go elsewhere for sex so it made my life nicer at home!!!

This is the post I needed to see. Some days I'm happy and everything is manageable. We even sometimes have a laugh. But most of the time he makes me miserable. We have no sex life, he works 7 days a week and we have a young son so leaving and splitting up a family unit is a no go at the minute. He has no interest in life and shows little enjoyment towards bringing up our son. His interaction with him is negative a lot of the time. He's not cruel at all and is actually deep down a decent man, it's just that he never has anything really positive to say and I'm starting to hate my life. I've emotionally shut down in our marriage as a way of protecting my own mental health. Offering a hand hold to all you ladies out there