Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

👋 Still here too. Just had a little cry in the bath. So unbelievably lonely. My Christmas wish would be to never have to spend another Christmas with this man. I would have approximately £125000 if we split - where on earth can I go with that????

@ToBreatheAgain Feeling exactly the same. Woke up with stomach in total knots about it all. How did we get to this and where do we go from here seems to be all I’m thinking about these days. Wishing you all a Merry Christmas anyway, maybe there’ll be some glimpses of happiness at least...

I’m beyond sick of him. Can’t stand being around him, need to hold it together today and not explode and tell him to get to $%*+ and that I want nothing more to do with him. Sharing a bed with one of the dc tonight so I don’t need to be close to him.

@tobreatheagain you mirror my thoughts.
My poor kids are gutted we are home alone. Dd is 13 and kinda gets it. Dh hates my family so much I can’t be with them but I refuse to let his round as it’s my turn. So we are the four of us. I can’t do this again. We can’t stand each other and I’m not signing this post nup which means we are dead.
I’ve accepted I would rather see the kids 4 days a week (worst case) and be happy and have happy time’s with them then spend the rest of my life miserable. You have to look at it like that.
They will be happier.
Don’t know you. It a huge virtual hug from me.
We can do this. 2020 brings courage. Courage to tell him to shove that settlement where the sun doesn’t shine and let’s the courts sort it.
Courage to end this. Courage to build a happy life that is my life.

Let’s not let these men ruin our day.

On that angry note I’m going to get up and have some fun with my kids.

Hugs to each and everyone one of you.

Big hugs to everyone. Thank you for your messages, they've helped me more than I can express.
I have to do the boxing day version of Xmas lunch today . One day at a time eh .
I don't want to look at him either.
I need this moving ball to start rolling, I don't feel like I can start healing till it does. Swinging between anger & apathy with a bit of exhaustion . He talked to me about it all again the other day....All I could hear were excuses. Told me he'd wait for me....I told him not to, that his ms/ miss whatever perfect may cross his path & he should go for it. Said he'd thought of suicide but def wouldn't do that.... I feel like that was pretty shit.In 2014 my then 16 year old son actually hung himself.... I had 2 small DS from my first marriage when I met him. That marriage was abusive, but in a more explosive way.
I just thought that was pretty shitty of him to throw statements about suicide into the mix...bastard.
I seem to be having these uncontrollable shaking episodes. I kind of feel okay Can still fake a great smile, but my physical body is protesting .
I did read the other thread " things I can do after " & I've been reading everything about controlling relationships that I can find. Been doing that for 6 months now.
It was his niceness that made me question its validity though. I think there's a tiny bit that still does, but actions don't lie do they.
We are strong...We can do this. There is power in numbers & even though we're scattered from one end of the globe to the other...we're in it together.
If I didn't have you all to talk things through, I may well of stayed. Thank God that's not how it is.
Those of you who will eventually walk away with a settlement, well done.
I shall be leaving with $ 350.00 in the bank as the selfish bastard has bled me dry.
.. Oh & before I forget...NO, don't sign the post nup . I think its a trick too.
Time for a coffee. Strength Love & Power to you all today.... Every day

I’m here what started out as a lovely Christmas Day after months of arguments over petty things mainly our difference in parenting. I have 2DC from previous marriage him 3 he is a typical Disney dad to his 3. But is very quick to pick on my DS who is 12 over little things. I’m tired and exhausted I do love him and when it is good it is really really good but I hate his nit picking and sometimes his mood changes very quick usually because he is very tired (Works long days starting at 4 in morning) or hungry.

He brought alcohol into the house last night, directly challenging my boundary which is no drinking at home.

I feel proud of myself that this morning I was very clear and direct that this is unacceptable, and that if he wants to drink himself to death, he will be going and doing it elsewhere. (I don't know how we will manage to pay the rent if he does it again and I have to tell him to leave, but I can't let him trample on me like that. I just can't.)

He's now taking to humming & playing music... Currently singing along to psycho killer. F#&@%$

Mine does that all the time.
Full blast round the whole house.
Either crap no one wants to hear (frozen is a current fav teen girl and a boy 🤔) or horrific love songs.
Anything that involves a shit lot of noise.
It’s because they do what the hell they like and don’t give a dam about any other person it effects.

@OEJ1979
Yep, wasn't sure if it was a veiled threat. An uncomfortable resonation with my spirit though.
I daresay it is in retaliation.
The house was a shit tip this morning, despite my doing everything yesterday (with the exception of carving the meat). I swore when I saw the state of the laundry. Cue him calling out from bed "what ! what's wrong" in a very caring concerned fashion. I said "The place looks like a shit tip, I did everything yesterday & today I've got to shop clean up & cook lunch for everyone again"
Him -(very caring tone) " Oh well, if you need a hand with anything, you can just ask. There is a way you can ask for help".
Me- " You have eyes in your head, clearly it can be seen what needs to be done. I'm not going to ask you to help because that suggests that its my job. Its not, you live here too...at the moment at least, & because you live here that means its your job too". Well that went down like a lead balloon.
Its the first time in 21 years I've made him accountable for his own surroundings. God I hope he starts moving his shit tomorrow.

I’m sadly here too. I’m lost. Awful day which should have been happy.
I’m not perfect and have sort treatment for mood swings and hormone imbalance. I have high expectations which I try to manage, and I’m very sensitive.
He is easy going but likes to drink. I can’t remember how many arguments we’ve had over the years about his drinking. He starts to slugh his words and I don’t want to be around him when he’s like that. I’m dreading the DC seeing it when they get older.

I’ve done the lions share this holiday. It’s fine, I enjoy it. We’ve hosted family parties and Several dinners and currently his parents are with us for five nights. They also like to drink...

I sound so selfish but I’d give him links to a few things I really wanted (a dress, PJs). My treat, if you like, for hosting, and was really looking forward to them. I do a list as he is awful at gift buying. For some reason he ignored it all and bought so awful clothes in styles which I’ve never ever worn and don’t suit my body (a grey neck to floor tight fitted knitted dress that shows off my mum tum and bum). I couldn’t hide my disappointment especially as I got him the bits he wanted - even one that was out of stock. I managed to track one down in November. I feel ignored.

Some background to this year he had a significant birthday and has been seriously spoilt. I’m taking bucket list trips to the US, extravagant days out with friends, weekend trips abroad and in the UK. I’ve also hosted parties for him on his birthday weekend. He’s been well and truly looked after. Plus, I love him so I want to do these things for him. I’m sad that’s its lacking massively on his side. I don’t feel he cares any more.

Then tonight I was sat of the sofa and he squeezed me (in an affectionate away) and knocked my drink all over me. He’d been drinking since lunch time so had quite a few at this point. I’ve just went up to bed. Sad and very lonely. He carried on drinking with his parents until gone midnight. And he kindly called me a spoilt c*nt. I’m broken.
This has been bubbling up for a while. He has a strong selfish streak and drinks to much. I can’t take any more but I’m so sad. Why couldn’t have just treated me to the bits I wanted. Why couldn’t he get help for his drinking as he promised over and over.
He not a bad man, I just don’t think we work any more. I can’t be like this next year as the DC are picking up on the atmosphere.

@Sheddingskins your post really struck me as I am doing exactly the same thing, waiting until exams are over next summer. We have had lots of chats over the last year or so (I first said I wanted to split up over a year ago and was persuaded to try again) including about a week ago.

The problem is I don't want to try anymore. Too many 'silent treatments'. Too many times being told how unadventurous I was in bed because I didn't share his (porn style) interests. Too many times I apologised even though I was sure I wasn't in the wrong, just to keep the peace. Now I know we're broken, although he doesn't accept that and just thinks I'm having a mid life crisis.

So I'm facing 2020 with the prospect of breaking a 28 year relationship and very long marriage and being the bad guy for doing it. He has been very careful not to put a foot wrong for a year so things are polite and look fine from the outside but inside I'm numb.

Glad to find people here who understand but sad for all of us that we're here.

Feeling sad here today too ♥️ can just feel myself starting to drowned in all the stuff to do / sort etc .... being ignored majority of the time when I stupidly stupidly on Christmas Day said , 'I love you' yes I know as soon as the words came out of my mouth I wished I hadn't he said 'oh God.....' in a totally annoyed way 🙁. X

Uggg I know the feelings associated with a relationship breakdown well, especially over Xmas. I’m through it now thankfully.
Hoping ye all have a better new year.

@Stillnotfrom what it is with men thinking we are having a mid life crisis?
It’s not. It’s the realisation there is more and it’s not normal to be treated the way we are.
And like you porn has killed everything, what’s wrong with intimate sex?
I’m sure my H thinks no person, especially a women is entitled to their own opinion unless of course it matches his! Even the DC are told what they are think.

So sorry @coffeeisaddictedtome, that is so hurtful... 😢

Evening fellow travellers. We are all dealing with a bucketload of male ego and myopia. They just don't get it. We tiptoe around biting our tongues and smoothing over situations, and then when we actually venture a contrary opinion we get zero to defcom 5 in a millisecond.
Happened to me tonight. I'm in bed now. Kids are asleep. Am escaping to Brussels tomorrow early from London with two if the DC. Have driven it many times before so no worries there. But it's all my fault that I thought his hosing down and soaking their slightly muddy shoes in the garden the night before, in December, might not be a great plan...
@Stillnotfrom, I am with you. I couldn't do it any more. After twenty years together and ten years downhill it took me six months to find the right time to say it out loud, and six months more to get to separation. I too am not having a midlife crisis, just an awakening of sorts and a realisation that I do count too. That I need to be happy to make my kids happy. If you can take one thing with you through this journey then just trust. It is that simple sometimes. Say it over and over to yourself when they make you doubt everything. Sleep well everyone x

Really awful here today. He's started moving stuff.
I know I called it & it's for the best but God its hard.
Found out this morning 2 of the D's are leaving with him. He kept telling me I knew, but I really didn't.
Had to sneak off to write this because I can't stop crying & I don't want everyone to see.
Hope everyone else is getting on OK.
@Sheddingskins
Safe & happy travelling.

Listening to 'Stephanie Lyn coaching' on her YouTube channel has helped me.

@coffeeisadictedtome DH never responds anymore when I say I love you, it's so painful. He hasn't for years, yet he still expects sex and support and a loving relationship. I don't know why he's still here, except maybe he feels too guilty to walk away from a sick wife. The way he treats me maybe he's hoping I'll do it for him. It hurts much living with someone you love or doesn't love you back.

I don't think you sound selfish @Mumtothelittlefella. You just want him to consider you a little.

@OEJ1979 "I can’t do this again. We can’t stand each other and I’m not signing this post nup which means we are dead.
I’ve accepted I would rather see the kids 4 days a week (worst case) and be happy and have happy time’s with them then spend the rest of my life miserable. You have to look at it like that. They will be happier."
I can't go on like this either. But the alternative doesn't seem any better. 50/50 is pretty much the default where I am. I don't want that. If I thought he'd be happy to see them EOW I'd feel so much more confident about splitting. I don't trust him to be able to cope with DC SEN and MH issues. Im the SAHP and even when he's here I do 90% of the parenting. I deal with DC SEN and other DC MH issues every day. I'm so exhausted and sick and I'm so lost. I wish he'd just leave and leave us in peace.

@Sametimenextyear just saw your post. Unmumsnetty hugs. It is so hard. I think when you have kids and a long history together it can be just as hard to be the one doing the breaking up of the relationship. You can know you're doing the right thing and it still hurts so much.

@ToBreatheAgain
Thankyou. I'm in shock I think.
He swears blind that I knew.. I really f&$###$ didn't.
These are this bits where I go ... Did I imagine that.
2 are going & 3 are staying . He tells me my eldest said " I'd go with you dad but I need to be near the train" .
I don't even know what to say.
There's empty wardrobes where my kids stuff used to be, & it sounds like there's been all these conversations I was not a part of.
He said this morning.. " did you think you'd be able to get rid of me & live happily ever after ?"
But then he laughed... Its a creepy laugh, like the f#%#@%# devil .
I'm so fucking lost....& trying to hide from the ones staying so I don't upset them.
He's really polite too...untill he does shit like the laugh.
I don't think he ever really loved me at all.
I think I was a means to an end.

Is he going far @Sametimenextyear? It sounds a bit like he might have convinced DC to go with him at least partly hurt you. Do you think it's what they want not something they've been pressured to do?

My DH is very convincing and I know how hard it is not to doubt yourself when they tell you something happened the way it didn't, even when you're 100% sure it can be really hard to hold onto that conviction. I swear once DH was just gloating over this thing that had happened that meant a lot of work for me. I accused him of smirking at me when he was telling me he had no intention of helping at all. He'd swear he was just telling me he couldn't deal with it because he had to work, but I know he enjoyed denying all responsibility and leaving it to me to fix. He has never once admitted fault without adding a but that made it my fault or the kids. I'm so lost too, I think all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other till you get through to the other. My divorced friends tell me the first year of separation was really hard, but that it got easier after that. I want to skip all the blame and the fighting and the working out how to share custody and pay for two homes and get to the after. But I'm at least 18 months away from that. I need to get my failing health under control before I can even think about separating.

@ToBreatheAgain. Maybe it’s worth contacting citizens advice if you don’t already have a lawyer.
They will be able to help to figure where you legally stand. If you can show you’ve been the primary carer then I would suspect they will automatically be placed with you for the majority of the time.

I think these always become our fears. That the manipulating men will find ways of getting our children to think i their ways.
I more than sure he will try everything to make people think I’m a nutter.

I do hope you can get the help and support you need.
Big hug to you

@Sametimenextyear
He really is an awful person isn’t he?
If it’s not raining where you are get the kids that are staying and go out.
Don’t put yourself through the pain.

He sounds like he has been very clever manipulating the DC thoughts.

Pretty sure my H is already up to that even without yet being separated. I’m not allowed alone with DC ever. He givers and listens to conversations. He got up early this morning to ensure ds went to him and not me. I’ve enjoyed a nice lie in but feel like he is down stairs up to no good!

Speak with your solicitor or Once citizens advice has reopened contact them. You are able to fight for those children and they will be spoken to about where they want to be. And it may well be with you. They just don’t want to upset dad. That’s what I get with simple things like watching a movie!

Please try and go somewhere today if you can. It will be better for you and the kids.
Big hugs