Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

I worry that DH wouldn't cope with the kids alone, but oddly, him doing more round the house, trying to do domestic stuff, all that is actually making me think, well, he'd cope. My 4 year old is super clingy though, I worry about that, but he's had nights away from me and been fine... I think hopefully if I can get to a point where I take away all the reasons I can't leave, all that's left is why to stay, if that's enough, I'll know, I guess.

@Stegasaurusmum I think how well the dc would cope and how well they would be looked after plays on all our minds.
Spoke to dh about wanting to separate at the beginning of dec and it’s almost as if in his mind the conversation never even took place.
I’ve got no idea what the future holds, having a bit of a crisis of confidence at the moment to be honest. Am doubting myself about whether or not I should be leaving at my age and attempting to start all over again.

@seekingfreedom your description of your DH is exactly the same as what I am living with. The moods, the childish reactions and the drinking I’m finding so hard to cope with. I find every time he is under work stress it’s taken out on me, and I can see right through it, but it doesn’t stop beating me down. My DC is too young to see it, but I’m worrying about the impact on them as I know soon they will.

I decided to keep a tally of his drinking this last week. We have both been off work, travelled south to see family for a few nights (which is a whole other thread as I'm so upset by his behaviour), the rest of the time just pottering around the house/local area trying to entertain our 6 year old as you do on half term.

I used the drink aware calculater to calculate the units and calories. No wonder he has put on so much weight these last few years.

14th - 2 bottles of beer
15th - 1 bottle of beer, 12 cans
16th - 1 pint larger, 6 cans
17th - 6 cans
18th- 8 cans
19th - no beer
20th - 12 cans - so far today, it's only 5pm and he will prob go out for more in abit.

95.4 units // c. 6000 calories

That's one week, it's all larger, Carling for the cans and some Czech beer for the bottles.

I don't mind him having a drink, we are all entitled to sit back and relax with a drink, it's the volume, health and costs that worries me the most. He just laughs it off and says I can quit when ever I want. So far he's yet to prove that.

Once he's past 6 cans he also goes into argumentive mode, boring 'my childhood was crap' stories that I hear all the time (I had sympathy at first, 11 years ago.....), Normally starts sexual advances or calls me a lesbian when I show no interest. Then the tablet and headphones come out and he starts playing music but it's that loud, I can hear it through the headphones so I am unable to watch TV without listening to that too. He often falls asleep sitting up, spilling the larger onto the sofa/blanket/floor. Muggins here is the one who has to clean it up.

Then dont even get me started when he goes into the kitchen......munchie attack. He normally eats our son snack cupboard so the next day he has nothing for his lunch box (when at school) or to eat for lunch unless I go to the shop to top up which is more money spent onto of the weekly shop.

I am just so sick and tired of it all. :-(

@seekingfreedom excuse the pun but that must be very sobering seeing his intake written down in black and white like that. Even a 1/3 of that per week would still be alarming. He’s an alcoholic at those quantities and I doubt very much he’d be able to quit with ease, in fact at these levels it would probably be dangerous for him to stop suddenly.
No wonder you are sick of it, this is no way for you and your dc to live.
The sexual advances and the name calling reminds me all to much of my alcoholic father. He would be so intoxicated that he would leave his penis hanging out as he staggered from the bathroom while talking about how frigid my mother was and how he’s shocked he fathered me. Do not subject your child to the behaviour of an alcoholic long term. The damage is far reaching.
My dh insists on watching videos on you tube on his phone while I’m watching tv in the living room without headphones and god forbid I protest. By the sounds of things it just looks like one passive aggressive stunt after another from both of them.

That level of drinking is crazy. DH would be very similar if I'd looked at how much he was having 6 months ago, he would fall asleep on the sofa every Friday and Saturday without fail, would drink on every family day out, take cans to the park etc... I was always the sibser one.
He's cut back a lot now, but as with everything else, the putting on loads of washing, the constant following me round offering to do jobs, loading unloading dishwasher, tidying, putting kids to bed, all of the things he never bothered his arse doing for the last 10 to 17 years.... It just feels fake.
Last night neither of us could sleep, again. He asked me how I was feeling about everything, said it feels like I don't want to go near him, I did agree that was the case and although I appreciate everything he's doing it will take longer than 3 weeks for my feelings of wanting affection (which he would expect to lead to sex) to come back. Truth be told its turned to revulsion now... I don't know if it will ever come back.
He has organised a night out for tonight, he said is there any point in us going out then?

Its just dawned on me that all of it, the helpfulness, planning a night out, he expects it yo 'yeild results' I. E me wanting to sleep with him.
I don't think he's helping out more because he's a changed man, but because he's been threatened with me leaving and he's scared.
Thing is, is that enough?
He said in counselling that he didn't know how to do all the stuff, parenting, cleaning, household stuff. I said at the time it was horseshit. He clearly does know how to do it, he was just too lazy and was happy for me to martyr myself, run myself ragged doing it all.
He's taken the kids out today so I can work, go for a run and clean up properly. I'm so relieved. I'm dreading tonight but it sounds like he's planned something active so hopefully not too much conversation. We are eating out afterwards, I'm going to tell him then what I'm feeling and that it's going to have to be a sustainable effort and real change, from both of us, to make this better.
Meanwhile I think I'm going to have to think practically about how a separation could look.. I'm hoping counselling will help me with those feelings of guilt, as that is currently what's keeping me here, all the practical stuff plus guilt.

I didn’t know there was a drink aware calculator for that - I’m going to use that over the next week to work out DH’s alcohol consumption. I’ve kept lists of it before but seeing the units and calories there is really stark.
I completely understand the not minding a drink, but the volume being the real issue. My DH also claims he can quit whenever he wants, but again I’ve never seen it. It’s hard being the sober sensible ‘boring’ one all the time.

Further to my post on Thursday he's since drank a further 21 cans of Carling, and 8 pints over the weekend.

Tomorrow he's giving up.

We will see.

I've had a fall tonight, was bent down drying our child after a bath, next minute I fell back against the bathroom door and smacked my head on the door, made a massive loud band/thud (as I'm carrying a few extra spare tyres around my waist lol) and I have somehow hurt my neck & shoulder. Took me a while to get up & with the little one crying you would have thought my husband would have come to see what all the noise was about? NO.
He sat drinking his beer and told our child to stop crying when he was walking down the stairs to tell daddy what had happened. He still didn't move when I crawled down the stairs.

Thankfully the pain is easing now....prob just bruising. But a nice caring husband would also be nice..... nevermind.

@seekingfreedom I’m so so sorry to hear what happened. Please get checked out of the pain does not subside overnight.
I’d put money on him “picking a fight” so he can blame you for drinking again. And to consciously decide to have a binge before going tee total does not bode well imo.
The lack of care in situations like this stings and hurts more than other forms of mistreatment because of the realisation that they really don’t give a shit when you need them.

I've had situations like that with DH. He wouldn't fo it in purpose but it's just a type of neglect I think.
We are starting cou selling next week. Dreading it. I think mainly as I just cannot see how any amount of talking can make me fancy him or want to have sex with him.
I'm also attending my own counselling, which I'm finding useful. I think I need as ome one to give me permission to go, in a way.

@Stegasaurusmum I dont think any sort of counselling would rekindle the love and desire to be with my husband either.

Day 2 of my husband 'giving up drink'. He is now pissed.

Yesterday was pure awful. After I finished work he was rude towards me and blamed it on feeling stressed out as he isnt drinking. He asked me to give him a sexual act, I refused. 5 minutes later he comes over to where I am sitting and tries to pull down my trousers. Told him to stop. He then went into all sulky mode, I need sex, I am feeling stressed etc I could not stand the begging any longer and gave in and said to him - just do it. Feel ashamed to say that but the mental torture of him pleading all night, its easier to just get it over with. Anyway, he couldnt get himself ready enough so he then was angry at himself and was again rude and moody with me.

Told him I was going for a bath. This was met with more moodiness and do you have to, you are always having baths etc. Yes I agree, I have been having a bath every night to get away from him for a while. Plus it relaxes and chills me out and that I am entitled to have a bath!

Today - by 1pm he decided he needed beer. At 3pm he went to get more cans before picking our son up from school. At 5pm, he has now moved onto drinking my Gin. I asked him why and he just said I need it. Tonight is going to be wonderful. Not.

I have just sent an email to a solicitor, I need legal advice now. I need out, I can not live like this any more.

Sorry for taking over the thread a little, I just find it helps me so much writing it down.

@seekingfreedom you definitely need to get out, that is awful, I'm so sorry. I'd be asking him to go actually. I hope you're OK.

@seekingfreedom every little step towards independence will make it easier. Your email to the solicitor, then phone call.

Have you looked at the gov website to check if you’d be entitled to UC when you split? How much as a family you’d save not paying for his drinking habits?

I find Looking at even the little ways you will be better of without him calming if I am exasperated or furious

Self preservation for you and the kids needs to stay front and centre. You don’t have time for his shit!

hope everyone is doing ok, spoke to a dear friend and got a recommendation for a lawyer. Not made an appt yet. Dh has been offered a promotion at his company which would necessitate a relocation. Don’t really know I want to uproot my life and the life of my dc over his career goals if our relationship is not salvageable.
He was so disrespectful to a retail worker a few weeks ago, to the point I felt the need to apologise to her over his behaviour:-( still trying to justify his behaviour and I told him that behaving like that was really unattractive and went in to another room.

Well done for moving forwards @Idontkowmyname . It's hard inching along as many of us as doing but that's a positive step and makes you stronger when you have knowledge from legal sources. It is hard thinking and overthinking about uprooting life. Thank m exhausted from my mind endlessly circling. I have had 3 valuations now but one is stupidly high and prohibitive - the other two are sane so I guess I need to get yet another one. For some reason the whole interaction with estate agents I find horribly stressful. But as someone said on another thread this week 'would you want to relive this last year again repeatedly if you stayed in your relationship our relationship - when I thought about that I thought no way!

Wow I'm glad I've found this thread.

I'm another one who has totally checked out. DP does absolutely nothing around the house. It got so bad that in November last year I told him how unhappy I was (he was doing nothing around the house, wouldn't even walk the poor dog, despite being home all day - works nights). Since then he spent probably just over a month love-bombing me, doing the housework every Tuesday , buying flowers and chocolate a few times a week, telling me he loves me 6 or 7 times a day (I know I may seem ungrateful but 6 or 7 times?? Surely its just words at this point)

Predictably, the housework has tapered off again and he's back to doing nothing. In fact, he has sat on his arse on his phone while I've tidied around him. I have a bad back at the moment and he came into the bathroom while I was scrubbing the bath and said "why are you doing that? I thought your back was sore?" I said it is, but the bath isn't going to clean itself. He said "you never asked" Didnt offer to take over or anything.

I too have the Ick and just can't have sex with him anymore (which is causing snarky comments), and wriggling out of his hugs and kisses.

He smacked the dogs nose last weekend out of anger because the dog accidentally caught him with his tooth while they were playing. I took one look at him and said "there's no way in hell I can have kids with this man".

I've started taking notes of all his uselessness and snarky comments because I'm prone to forgetting or softening them in my head because "he's not THAT bad..."

There's never a right time to leave, is there? Something always crops up. Now his dad has been diagnosed with a terminal illness so I'd feel like a right bitch breaking up with him now. Especially since he was there for me when I was having issues with my family.

I just don't know what to do

Fuck, sorry guys that was an essay!

It's so good to get things off your chest. I don't have anyone in real life I can do that with.

I'm sorry to see that so many of us are going through the same thing

Welcome @inver if that's the right word... I can see myself in everything you've said, I've checked out, even him being nice just grates.
We have children though... Whilst there is never a good time to go.. Before children is a really good time!
I'm just dissatisfied and sad and don't have any romantic love for him. But it would be so difficult to go. So much to deal with, and the guilt and responsibility I'd feel. If he turned to me and said OK, font feel responsible, don't feel guilty... I'd end it in a shot.
But he won't. He'd be devastated.

@Stegasaurusmum you need to put you first. He can’t be blameless in your relationship getting to this point. If he’d be devastated it would show how ignorant he is to the problems and how they are affecting you both.

I’m a couple of months away for getting an in principle mortgage and then I’m going to pull the plug. I feel bad for a bit and then he promises the kids a puppy and a forever house - he gambles and haemorrhages money does that’s never going to happen. How dare he set them up for disappointment like that!

So difficult to do that though isn't it.

I'm constantly blaming myself, but yes, the responsibility is both of ours. The fact that's he's just doing everything now shows he was always capable, just didn't want to...

In a way I'd be doing him a favour, I'm only going to really hurt him eventually if we stay together in our relationship as it is now, because I'm just not showing him any respect really. Because its all been worn away over 17 years of neglect, from both of us I think.
Relate starts in just over a week, I'll be honest with him and hopefully we can come to a point where we agree something going forward we are both happy with.

I keep thinking, he's a very good man, mostly, but if he really is, then once all the pain and heartbreak subside, he still will be. Hopefully. And hopefully that will mean he's going to be a good Co parent and not turn nasty... However, I've seen a nasty side.. Ruthless in fact. I'd hate to see that turned on me or more importantly the kids relationship with me, or their future.

@Stegasaurusmum I totally get it. I have thought about counselling or mediation but I just want out. Mine is similarly trying but like you said - where was all this before and will it stop as soon as he feels secure again?

I’ve looked at parenting agreements, that was really helpful. Once I’m ready I’m hoping we can agree before speaking to the children. It will also provide some boundaries in case he doesn’t try with the kids.

If he’s ruthless, protect yourself as much as you can before councilling. Check accounts, copies of all finance , payslips, property etc. He may badmouth you to the kids, but we need to play the long game - the kids will work everything out eventually.

@SodaSodaBanana thanks, yes maybe I'll start looking into that...I think he'd be OK but he's got a ruthless streak, I just don't know. The kids are so attached to me because for years he's just left me to it, been silent, mostly hands off and not done any of the early years of parenting.
I said to my friend that he'd got up with the kids and had cleaned the kitchen this morning... She said yeah but you've threatened to leave, my bloke does it anyway..
I am just waiting for him to give up on all the helping once he's realised it's not changed how I feel.
It's like a fuse has blown. It's just switched off the little desire and love I had left, there wasn't much.
I'm just going to make sure I fill my days with stuff I enjoy, see my friends, keep looking for ways to earn extra cash, do the counselling and if nothing changes in 6 months, it's time to do something more about it.
I'm not going into my mid 40s feeling like this, I just can't.

I just wondered - nearly 2 and a half months since the lovely @Idontkowmyname started the thread - what progress has everyone made, physically, mentally etc ?

Yes good to hear some of that. I've missed the thread since it's gone a bit quieter. Well, I have had two house valuations, one meeting with financial adviser and knowledge that I can get a mortgage. I also stopped the couples counselling which told me what I needed to know ie DP is unable to step up to what I need in a partner and is like having another child. The biggest and most difficult problem is now getting any time to clearly state to DP that action now needs to happen and one of us will need to find somewhere else to live. This is proving nigh on impossible - DC are in when we are, the eldest has ears that hear everything and I really don't want to organise a babysitter in order to 'go somewhere' to have such a conversation. Plus of course I am dreading it and wonder what the repercussions will be on 'ease of life'. Add to that, endless overthinking on my part. I am left with DP saying last week that he needed to talk to me (and I thought 'thank goodness...') It turned out to be about his need to talk about where he wants us to go on holiday. See above comment on the counselling... I was lost for words.

@marly11 It sounds like some progress, albeit slow! I guess all you can do is keep repeating yourself. You did say he's like a child right... 😁

I'm still in limbo, but I guess when I step back, some progress has been made...

I talked to DH and he listened, is no longer pressuring me for kissing/contact or sulky about no sex. Only been a month but for me it's been years of going somewhere else in my head and hoping it's over quickly/trying to get some pleasure myself. V awkward at home but I'm relieved I don't have to pretend, I won't be doing anything I don't want to again. I realise now that really did seal the deal in terms of feeling very turned off now. I also now know I definitely do enjoy sex and I'm actually quite uninhibited... Just not with him 🤷‍♀️

I've done 8 sessions of my own counseling and I've identified that the resentment about having a 3rd man child and being emotionally ignored, feeling lonely and feeling overwhelmed by everything I was doing with no help has turned off the last of the attraction I had for DH, which wasn't a huge amount to start with. Then I sped up the process when my head got turned...I feel terrible about that, but I think it was inevitable really and maybe had to happen, so I could wake up and realise how bad it had got. Think I'm starting to forgive myself a bit. What we do have is familiarity, stability, history, friendship and love of a kind... Little respect though. None from me to him. Not sure yet that any romantic feelings can come back, but if they do then we have everything really, apart from that strong emotional connection and lust... Which goes anyway I guess. So in a way, if it comes back (I currently have the ick... ) then I'm in a even more confusing situation... However, my other thought is that I'm doing him a disservice by staying, as he has no idea... Guilt is my biggest issue, playing the martyr, putting my own gut feelings to one side since we got together, even though I knew I wasn't that sure about him. Not sure the guilt is something I can stop though, maybe I can live with it if I though he had the chance of being really happy, me too, and the children of course.

Kind of at a point where contact with OM is inevitable but is fairly professional... We both know that there are feelings but both need space to sort our own situations out. I feel for him a completely overwhelming love and feel so happy when I'm with him. He makes me feel safe and so looked after, listened to, cared for. Even when we are just chatting as friends or colleagues... Its so painful right now but I know it'll get easier for us just to be colleagues and I know if I asked him for anything he'd do it, including staying away to let me deal with stuff. I'd dearly like to believe that one day there could be a future with him if I'm single..... But realistically the stress of him taking on a relationship with a divorced mum of two would probably cut through that, plus us working together and the fact he wants children and I dont/can't at my age...
So I'm being more realistic about that. Mostly. Whilst having a little sob every so often, of course.

DH is stepping up practically around the house and feels better for it, I'm slightly less overwhelmed by all of it, but fundamentally nothing has changed, more importantly its not changed my feelings about him. But I do feel happier that he could manage the children OK without me.

I've given myself 6 months to see how I feel. I'm on antidepressants until then so it's worth seeing how I feel once I'm off them, plus we will have done maybe 6 weeks of counselling by then, plus some time to see if changes happen and stay.

I'm 43 in August and I am not heading into my mid 40s in this situation. I need to do something.

Feels good to get all that down! Kind of thought I'd made no progress, practically maybe I haven't, but actually, it's something.