Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

Wow seems a lot of them are playing "nice" at the moment. My husband does this a lot but eventually the mask slips and I think yeah there you are.

Crappy day today. My family member has just left for home after staying with us. They have a very serious illness and won't make the trip again. Part of the reason I want to go home is to spend time with them, yet my husband is more worried about enjoying the weather and the beaches we visit maybe 3 times a year.

Today when he tried to hug me I said I don't want a hug please don't touch me. He has told me that this family member does not want you(me) home and if they die alone without me seeing them again they die(this being the mild version)

Oh how I wish the kids and myself were getting on that plane.

@SodaSodaBanana I own the bigger share so could in theory buy him out which is what I want to do, but I guess that involves him agreeing to that. If I say that up front I think he will be awkward. He won't have enough cash or income to buy me out. However, if we can't agree, I think our deed says this forces a sale after a certain amount of time on the open market. In reality I guess I could be the buyer at that point... which is a nonsense. I'm trying to avoid disrupting the DC but until he agrees to actually 'go' I am stuck I think. 🙁 I'm currently worrying about this incessantly.

Struggling to live with him at the moment. The broken promises, the expectations, the moods......and half term is looming and we are both off work. Help!

Yesterday, he needed to renew some certificate that he needs for work, he got so stressed from filling in the form that he blamed me that he put the passport number in the wrong section. Then when I (yes me) could not log onto the online account thing because his employer has not set it up right, I got an earful of how stressful this is and that he might as well look for a new job (yeah and that isnt stressful!) - just to add, I was using my work computer as we do not have a personal computer and I was happy to help with that bit.

Today, I was so busy with work that I didn't even have a coffee, anyway he ask had i book the tickets to an event we are going to in half term, said no due to being busy and he went off in a massive huff moaning that we will never be able to get in and how much he was looking forward to it........i told him to go and book it himself which he refused. This behaviour just winds me up so much.

Every week he says this is the week i am giving up drinking. Yes I understand it is a hard task and I did suggest just cutting down but no, he wanted to go cold turkey. 3 days later he was drinking again. Repeat over the last 4-5 weeks. Our DC actually rolled his eyes into his head and said daddy you said beer is bad why drink it daddy? He got a mouthful and was told too shut up and that he is too young to understand. Our DC is 6 and has a very old head on his shoulders. Poor thing. He now goes into his room to play after school to keep out of Husbands way.

Sorry ladies for the whinge, i just needed to type it somewhere.

I am dreading Friday. Knowing OM is playing happy new girlfriend game whilst telling me he still loves me, also waiting for DH to come home when he will want to do the whole sappy valentines thing...
Just dreading it.
I'm starting my antidepressants tonight, really worried but hopefully in a couple of weeks I might feel less desperate and tearful... Which I am hoping will get me to a place where I can think clearly. Still waiting on relate appointment, I know he's going to expect that the husband of the year act has made the duration magically change...
Just feel hopeless. Don't know where to start really, feeling very lonely.

Situation not duration...

@Stegasaurusmum I can only say that you have to let the OM go. For now at least. You need headspace to deal with H and getting out of this situation. If it is meant to be with OM then it will be. But that is just complicating everything and draining you when you need all your energy to sort out your here and now.
It is not your time with OM despite your hopes and deep-rooted feelings. I understand those. It will pass. It is a break up with him as well. It will make you feel utterly wretched. Hurt, confused, angry and despairing. But it will diminish and the grief will lessen.
Focus on your core life and on you. Can you see a counsellor, especially one who does deep relaxation therapy as well as talk therapy? They are invaluable. I would not have survived last year without mine.
It's about you now. Not about either of them. Take a deep breath and trust in yourself. But most of all be gentle with yourself. You will find your path. Honestly. Hugs to you.

@marly11 speak to a solicitor and see what they say. They are really helpful about what you can and can’t expect. You can’t all live in misery, you’ll need to appeal to him not upsetting the kids more than necessary or confusing them or it being detrimental to their learning.

Sorry it’s so rubbish - could you start by asking him to stay with a friend to give you a few days breathing space?

Thanks @Sheddingskins I am seeing a counsellor but on the NHS. She seems good. 1 appointment every fortnight, hopefully then relate will happen. I can see there might be a way forward, maybe in a few days, when I know I'll not see him for 10 days I'll feel better.
I know I have to let him go. We work together and he's been a big part of my life for 5 years as a friend, with attraction, then as more. There is love there, but we both knew I needed to sort out my situation, plus he's under 40 and wants children... I'm not and I don't. So no go and he's trying to move on.
I think it was easier to focus on things with him than to admit I'm in a relationship that's dead romantically, as we got on OK as friends and parents. But there's not really been love or lust there for so long, just resentment.
Just don't know my own thoughts anymore. I'm second guessing myself constantly and the guilt is the thing that's clouding me. The counsellor told me just give me the guilt, I'll keep it for you...
But I can't.

Hi all,
I need some advice! I am married with 3 Dc, my husband has been treating me badly for years now, if not before we were married (stupid me, I have only just realised). How can I leave with the kids if I can't afford a place of my own? We have a mortgage and I am joint owner, but he will NOT leave, he seems intent on driving me to a nervous breakdown. any advice greatly received, I have NO friends and No family I can stay with?
xx

@Stegasaurusmum I agree. Trying to take on the emotional thinking about a second man when you have all the weight of your home situation is enough to blow your own mind I think. Perhaps it's acted as a kind of distraction from the real issue in hand - which is what I find myself doing with work atm!

Thanks @SodaSodaBanana I think you are right. Years ago I had s terrible divorce which involved lots of solicitor activity so I've tried to avoid it this time, but I could go back to the amazing one I eventually found and just ask her a straight question about the house situation. (I'm slightly embarrassed about her considering me a serial client! My ex-H was a complete narcissist and kept the solicitors in fees for many years.)

@shellsbells sorry you have no one close to talk to.
My best suggestion is to get what information you can on finances such as remaining mortgage, value, savings and both incomes. Then see a solicitor. They will give you the best advice. If he is that bad you may find you can have him kicked out!

For me I haven’t done it.
I couldn’t.
Told H Sunday the papers would be sent this week. I then saw a family friend who could tell I just wasn’t completely comfortable.
She is divorced and said the one thing she has always regretted is not telling her ex exactly what he had done wrong.
Surely I have to give him that chance?
He is at complete rock bottom. Looks awful. Hardly gets out of bed.
He is a completely broken man.

Is it a show? I don’t think so anymore.
So I’ve arranged for the kids to stay at my mums Sunday. Then we will go out for dinner. After I want him to go to him mums so the conversation ends.
He need to know it’s more than the awful things he’s said.
My only concern is do I actually want him to change?
These four days a week is just bliss but when I’ve looked at houses I can’t see them as my home.

Is this just me having to say my final piece clear my conscious or do I want him to try and sort himself out?
Can he?

God knows. But feel I owe it to the kids to give him an opportunity to answer me.

Oh and valentines, he’s going out! Said he will be back early hours once I’m in bed!!!
Feel a sense of relief

@marly11 if the solicitor is good then they’re on your side and shouldn’t judge. I’ve been with OH nearly 20 yrs. if I ever think about another relationship I’m not sure I’d pick better next time round. A lot of the relationships have a common theme of women not realising they were being manipulated until too late. But at least we’re doing something now.

You clearly got one thing right - good legal representation .

@marly11 yes, I think it was and is a distraction, has been for as long as I've known him. It's distracted me and I think I saw him rescuing me somehow, that I would have a proper reason to go.

Saw him today, for a meeting. Was OK, but he just tried to slip into his old ways, flirting, jokes etc... I just kept thinking nope, don't want your crumbs thanks. I deserve better than all of this.

Spoke to a very good friend who hot out of a violent marriage, she was my age when it ended. I always felt bad, as if my situation wasn't a proper reason, not like hers. But she just supported me 100%, let me blurt out everything about how I'm feeling. Really helped.

Heading into the weekend, always the hardest time. Hope everyone is doing OK.

Just a bit of a cry for help as I don't know what to do. Mental mind games from H.

H is like a split or multiple personality.

He says to my face he is sorry. He can't change the past but he can change the future. But doesn't do a thing to make things better. Bring the odd glass of wine or say would you like some food every now and again but nothing else. No, I'll get help, I'll get counselling, no I'm truly sorry forgive me. I've made massive mistakes. Nothing.

Then a couple of days ago I saw a message to a male friend of his which basically says I'm unfiltered and slag him off in front of the children. I don't. That I'm mentally unbalanced. I also pay for a counsellor once a week who thinks yes I've got a lot on but I'm perfectly sane and coping remarkably well.

The message says he's not going to continue to work when he doesn't have the benefit of a family to come home to.
That I can't claim maintenance if he doesn't have a salary. According to the online calculator it would be about £1350 per month on his current salary.
That for the remaining years of his life he'll go off and live cheaply and help people less fortunate to live happy lives. What? But won't financially support his children?!?
That he knows I won't be able to get a mortgage and that I'm too young to access anything from his pension.

Oh and last but not least I'm already damaging the children with my behaviour and it'll get worse if I have my way and divorce.

Today he's said he hadn't heard of gaslighting until I told him what it was and then he realised he'd been a victim of it for years.
I'm just weeping in private as I don't want him to see. This all but killed me as I realised a while ago that I am in and have been in a controlling relationship and for him to say something like that is devastating especially as He has two convictions for assault on me and the last time I shared a bed with him In February last year I woke up to him having sex with me.

He also said today that I had told him to commit suicide. He said when I told him to do the decent thing I meant leave. But when I told him to do the honourable thing I was telling him to kill himself.

I said no, they're pretty much interchangeable terms along with many others that are similar and you know I was telling you to leave. It would be dreadful for the children so I can absolutely say that I didn't tell you that.

The mind games are torture. It's all false. He's completely changing everything around and it's all lies and false. Like properly false not even anything to do with reality.

I told him we'd been living separately under the same roof for 15 months and he just shakes his head like he's indulging a child and says have we?

Yes. I have lived in the spare room for that length of time.

Right now I'm at my wits end. Frightened for my future because I will be continuing the path of divorce. I will be meeting my solicitor after half term to instruct her to act on my behalf.

Is he mentally unstable and does he actually believe the things that he is saying. Surely it is too much to think it's planned to torture me.

If I could get out and leave I would but cannot afford to.

@PressToChange what a manipulative nasty piece of work he’s being towards you . Like with the gaslighting thing getting thrown back in your face, similar has happened to me and I can relate to how soul destroying and disempowering it is. With the other domestic violence you are subjected to you will constantly be in a state of hyper vigilance and that is nothing short of exhausting.
The solicitor will be best placed to advise given the complex situation unfolding, particularly in regards to his threats to not support his family moving forward.
Really glad you have some irl support with the counsellor. Thinking of you 💐

@PressToChange that sounds horrible and I'd say no he knows exactly what he's doing, he's trying to Control you.
Maybe because he knows deep down it's going to be over soon?
Could he really give up work? Because mine couldn't give up the money, being able to afford stuff.
So possibly all talk, trying to scare you?
He's not telling you sorry, not promising change because he won't change, don't be pleased with the little scraps he gives you.
You really are better off without him, when you see the solicitor maybe they can advise if there's enough yo get you out?
I'd also screenshot those messages, if there's more. Keep everything as a record.

Best of luck, you sound so strong

Thank you. Thank you for your support. I can cope most days but all that, all at the same time has just wiped me out. There's only so much resolve sometimes. I know I am quite practical and cover a lot of my emotions and worries with practical stuff. And then wham, all the mental stuff suddenly gets too much.

@stegausaurusmum It's interesting you say don't be pleased with the scraps. That's exactly what he said in the message to his friend. He wasn't going to hang around for the crumbs that fall from my table. It's like everything is reverse with him. Like a strange mirror reality.

Anyway I'm not. I'm so over him. Over it all. Wild horses wouldn't drag me back to him.

He had a conversation with my eldest dc and said that work had brought him here (we all relocated for it) but the job loan has finished so there's nothing keeping him here any more. Hello!! The children who cannot move schools without damaging their education and well being.

@Idontkowmyname that's it exactly. Soul destroying. It's so far from the reality of the situation you can imagine doubting your own sanity.

I feel quite alone. I know that I'm not and it will pass but it's a particular low moment. I think like you said it is draining and I am particularly tired right now but then adrenaline is coursing though which stops sleep....!

(Just in case anyone is worried. Thereisn't a threat of violence. We don't live in fear but he has been and I think still is volatile. I am no longer hesitant. If he were to do anything at all physically to me I would be calling the police immediately.)

@marly11 is a financial settlement necessary? Maybe you could see a lawyer and get them to send him an official letter re separation and financial settlement so he'll understand you mean it.

Happy Valentines ❤️. I don’t know why I was dreading today. I got a handshake

I got a card with I love you in it and something planned for next Friday which I'm dreading.. A surprise.
I cannot bring myself to say or even write I love you. Yesterday was just horrible. One way or another I cannot be in this situation next year.
Even after starting meds which have knocked me out every night and a few glasses of wine, I woke up early hours this morning and couldn't sleep. Every night DH was away I slept all night. Soon as he's back the waking v v early comes back.
I need to do something. Wil get this week out of the way and start to talk to him again. I don't know how many times I'll need to try to say 'I don't fancy you or really love you anymore'

Oh the Valentine's Day thing! So many of us were dreading it. I didn't get Dp a card - it would have been dishonest I think. Instead he left for work yesterday and left one for me - bland and just 'from ?' inside. I just put it away in a pile of my papers as it's a bit sad and not something I want tbh. He's out tonight which I was pleased about but I realised as I sat down to watch tv that he's retrieved it, and put it up on the mantelpiece. I'm reading this as passive aggressive. No comment about my lack of card. No comment about his. Just stuck it right in front of my face at the point when I have all DC's packed away on a Saturday night and time for myself. Am I reading this wrong? Maybe it's just a bit tragic but either way I don't want to look at it. I've put it away again. Another sign of our inability to communicate I guess!

@ToBreatheAgain yes thanks - you have made me rethink about contacting my solicitor. I will broach the topic again with DP at the end of this week once we've got through half term and if he makes comments again about me moving rather than him, I think that's a good idea - thank you.

I love when DH is away for work, or even just needs to work late. It's so peaceful. Unfortunately he travels rarely now. I still can't see a way out for months. We've had a couple of big financial hits in the last few months. Eldest still won't go anywhere except school without me. Still won't go out with DH if I don't come so I'm forced to play happy families every weekend. I'm still getting sicker. I am in agony every moment, I don't know how much longer I can go on, but I don't have any choice. I'm so exhausted I can barley think straight, but I still need to get the oldest 2 to therapy and medical appointments, there's just me to do it. If I could trust DH with the kids I could get some rest and recover, but I can't. He smacked our 4 year old, really hard when I was briefly out of the room last night. I'm broken. I wish he'd leave and leave us in peace. But I know I'm going to have to be the bad guy and break up our family. And I'm too sick to deal with any of it right now.

@tobreatheagain I’m so sorry, you and your kids deserve a lot more. Do you have a social worker who could help with some support? Even house work etc so you can reserve what little energy you have for you and the kids. Maybe a respite holiday.

Your H smacked/hit your child. That’s not OK. He needs to leave and you need some support.

@ToBreatheAgain I'm sorry, that sounds so hard. From what I remember your DC are young but thinking back it can be surprising sometimes that when we just say we can't do something even if we know DH can't take our place well enough, and we break the pattern of guilt, sometimes our DC will adapt and accept - if they know we really mean it. It sounds like with the specific needs of your DC this isn't easy but also that you are not able to get any time for recovery or self care. Its a vicious cycle trying to regain some confidence when you are exhausted so if you can create any small spaces for bits of recuperation you may make small steps forward. Of late I've been trying to break some patterns a little - saying 'no I really can't do that' when DP asks me to do 'even more' for the DC and I am aware that I am at my limit energy-wise. The world continues to turn and I realise I have just been agreeing to too much for (in my mind) the good of the DC and because my own guilt. But mine are older though - and I would say DP is worse at dealing with them with compassion and clarity now than he was when they were little, if I think about it.