@OEJ1979 it's a horrible situation, I guess depending on their ages and understanding you could start to tell them there might be changes, but that certain things for them won't change, like seeing both of you, having a home, school etc...
He sounds like a nasty piece of work to use the children to punish you, I guess at least you can be sure you're doing the right thing.
I'm really struggling, DH has been highly attentive, kind, making conversation, asking questions, doing everything around the house...I should be pleased but it's just annoying me and making me feel suffocated. He asks me questions and I just feel this annoyance bubbling up. He keeps reaching out to touch me in bed, it makes my skin crawl. It's so involuntary but in my head I'm just saying get off, fuck off, leave me alone.
He left for a work thing for 4 days away yesterday morning and I felt like a weight had lifted. I slept better last night (with a nytol to help) than I have in weeks, just having the bed to myself, not hanging off the edge or waiting for him to try to cuddle me. He's back on Friday, I'm dreading valentines day, he will expect us to make a fuss, I just can't bring myself to. Last year he sent flowers to work, I found it embarrassing but I guess I was pleased in some way. Thinking back I was pleased as I thought OM might see them and react in some way. He's been a presence in my life, either in the background or very much part of it for nearly 7 years, we are NC unless absolutely necessary for work now and it's so hard because I've lost a friend and someone who made me smile, feel happy, feel cared for. It doesn't help that I know he still feels the same about me, but because of circumstances, it could never work. I'm coming to terms with the fact that even if I wasn't with DH in a few years time, we still couldn't give each other what we want.
I've not slept properly in weeks so I've gone to the GP for meds, he's given me a low dose of antidepressants but looking at the side effects massive weight gain is one. I'm really anxious about my weight, one of the good side effects of the last few weeks is losing weight...
But they are meant to help with sleep, so maybe I'll feel better.
I'm seeing a new counsellor today, for 6 weeks, maybe with ADs and counselling, plus a few small challenges I've set myself over the next couple of months like running a half marathon etc I'll be able to reassess how I'm feeling about DH with a bit of a clearer head. I still feel hopeless, like when I think the feeling of revulsion I get when he tries to touch me won't ever go away...I'm going to tell him when he gets back that for the moment, not to try with touching etc, as I think it's doing more harm than good. What I'd really like is a proper break from him, 4 weeks or so... But it's impossible right now, neither of us has anywhere to go.
I think if nothing has changed in 6 months, after Relate, if him making all the effort still, or me feeling like my feelings for OM have lessened, that I'm happier etc, if none of that is changing how I feel in terms of romantically towards him, then it's time to tell him for definite. I have said I don't know if it can change but I'm willing to try. At the moment I'm not being remotely fair to him. But also I need to get through my feelings of guilt, about not pushing us to get help earlier, letting it get to this stage.... He's got to take some of the blame too though, as he stuck his head in the sand, was lazy, withdrew emotionally and let me do everything, both emotionally and practically for the family, to the point where I've built up such resentment. I keep remembering the nights I was crying with sleep deprivation or trying to get two children to sleep on my own whilst he sat downstairs, on his phone. I had to call him on it so many times to ask him to come and help, or to check on DD as he'd just leave her to sort herself out. The times I needed him but he opted to go to work, like going for a scan after a weekend of bleeding and losing a pregnancy, him opting to go to work rather than come with me.
He's a good person, just emotionally very very stunted. We got on before we had kids and when we had projects and things to focus on, like working on the house, or big holidays... But I remember thinking the holidays weren't that fun, as we were spending so long together, and the day to day stuff just left me stressed and tired and overwhelmed.
I look ahead to our lives when the children are grown and think what would we have left, apart from trying to have projects or holidays or things to fill our time...the thought of days stretching ahead, just him and me... Fills me with dread. I care about him, I know his excellent points but he's not been a good dad or husband really and it might have just gone too far. Basically I don't fancy him and haven't in ages but I've buried it to be able to get on, because of the guilt and obligation I've felt, the shared history, family, friends, our house, which I love... I'd have to give a lot of that up plus my children might have a much worse life... All because I can't get over my feelings. And because I fell in love with someone else and once I'd gone there and felt that I just can't go back.
When I think like that I just feel totally overwhelmed and sad and like I can't see a way out. I feel paralysed.
That was a bit of a self indulgent rant!