Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

What have I done???

I’ve instructed the solicitor to issue divorce papers.
I’ve signed the paperwork yet but he knows it’s coming.
He is begging, pleading with me to stop it. That he could forgive anything to keep us all together.
He would rather live the rest of his life in an unhappy marriage to keep us all together than divorce.

He doesn’t see how I can ever think that divorce is the best option.
One mistake he says.
One mistake and he is paying the ultimate price.

Am I doing the right thing?
My gut says yes. He hasn’t a clue what he has done to me. He says he is trying but then he can’t even tidy up after himself.
I need to forgive him.

Ever since I asked him to leave life has snowballed. Beyond control.

Will my kids side with him. Fuck...what if they do and I never see them. Jesus that doesn’t bare thinking about. I couldn’t cope with that.
Shit. Is this going to be a huge mistake?

@OEJ1979 don't panic. You're being incredibly brave, you are right where I want to be - and I know mine will react the same way yours has. It is scary but what's scarier - doing it now or getting to old age and feeling even more trapped?

I started making a list of all the things I'm going to do when I'm single... buy a pink sofa, play my music as loud as I want, fill my home with friends and my kids friends... and drop things on the floor without getting a rush of adrenaline anticipating his reaction!

How old are the kids?

Kids are DD 13 and DS 9

Playing my choice of music peacefully will be nice! It’s his choice full blast always!
It’s so hard because on the face of it he isn’t that bad, we have the perfect life to most!
I suppose that is why I constantly second guess things....

But then DD sends a message regarding me applying for a job at her school. I’ve not told him so how does he know to tell her...not the first time this has happened!

Just more suffocation....

@OEJ1979 I feel for you. I just emailed the solicitor yesterday asking them to go ahead with the divorce on my behalf. I've not signed papers yet but I'm so with you with regard to the panic about the children.

Because this has been dragging on for so long he's already been doing the same as your H and lobbying the children 😡 telling them they are of an age they can choose who they live with.

I'm so pissed of as I've played fair and nice. Telling them that I'm finding daddy's behaviour very difficult at the moment. Can't really say he beat me then stuck his cock in me without asking.

He has the Gaul to say he can't change the past but he can change the future. Still hadn't managed to get the word sorry out though.

Stay strong. Sending you lots of support.

@OEJ1979 you're really brave, well done. Braver than me. Just deep breaths, one thing at a time, it'll be fine.

@MymbleClement I feel the same but I've not got to telling him I want to separate. I've told him I'm not happy, again and again, we've started relate counselling, but just waiting for appointments... He's changed so much, if I have time away from OM who it's all over with but we both still have feelings, I get to a point where I feel clear that I could try, he's doing so much to try, telling me I look pretty, being helpful etc... Doing things he's never done like taking charge of dinners and things... But I just find the compliments cringy and fake and find the helping really claustrophobic and I'm still resentful, thinking why the fuck couldn't you have done this months or years ago!? 10 years of resentment and doubts are just there, all over again.

Then I went right back down to rock bottom today, just thought about a future where I have to keep having unsatisfying, crappy sex with someone I dont fancy or love.. Thinking about how awful I'm being to him, how I can't do it, just can't carry on like this.

Just ended up crying in the car on the way home.

I wish I could be brave enough just to ask him to move out for a bit, or I could... But just can't. The thought of another weekend dragging out, speding time together... Fills me with dread. But it's like I'm paralysed.

@Stegasaurusmum I completely understand with the cringy fake compliments, I'm getting those and I feel the same about them - why didn't he do all this before?! It's too late now I feel claustrophobic too - an awful thing to think but I said to a friend today I almost prefer the arsehole version!

A big thing for me was that mine always insisted he didn't need affection the same way I did and rejected me at every turn for YEARS, apparently that was a 'joke' and now he wants cuddles and does hurty feeling face when I say no

@PressToChange one day when they are old enough maybe you will tell them.
He is just accepting of this at all.
He been the best for 22 years and made one mistake. He really hasn’t. He has done many things and finally I’ve snapped.

I’m so so scared Re the children. I’m too sure how to deal with that and with all his threats that’s the one thing that will stop me.

How do I tell the kids?
He won’t.
He will sit there and sob and say daddy doesn’t want this. It’s all mummy. You’ve seen me try to give her kisses and cuddles.
That’s all he thinks it is.
I can’t deal with his need for affection anymore.

Keep my dignity. I keep repeating it to myself.
There is one god awful ride ahead. I hope the strength that got us here doesn’t disappear when it’s most needed.

Hi ladies,

Been following and posted a while back.

Can relate to you all so much. I a he told hubby I'm not happy and that I want to leave.

We have spoke to our children and the were upset, but all in all okay. He told me if I was leaving then I better take boys with me as he doesn't know if he can stick around to watch me move on with my life 🙄 (emotional blackmail) so I said fine suits me. I took boys to see a place that we would move into, my eldest was so upset and it broke my heart 😒 got home and he says what if I leave for a bit, I didn't want that but was told tough, what about what he wants 🤔 so I agreed to stay in the house. He is leaving for a few months.

This past 2 weeks he has been trying his hardest to show affection do all the house work, which he still wants praise for 😳😳 it's so suffocating 😔 why was he not being the husband he is now all along????? Wtf?

Bottom line is I don't love him anymore and there is no attraction at all, zero. I don't even want to cuddle him and when he tries is just feel myself rolling my eyes.

I know he still believes there is a chance for us after he has given me some space, but I don't think so 😣😣

It's so good to know we aren't going through this alone x x x chin up everyone, heres to a happier future ❤️

@OEJ1979 I know what you mean. My H is also delusional, saying he's done one thing wrong and apologised... it's been crap for years, we had counselling 10years ago and nothing has changed.
You may find that once he realises you mean it he may change and get nasty. Not thats I'd wish it on anyone but it might make it easier for you to keep your resolve that you're making the right decision. Not pleasant but easier for the children to know it's not just you making this happen for the fun of it.
Mine has said clearly three times now that if he doesn't have a family 😡 of course you still have your family!!! That he'll retire and do something different. Deliberately making the choice not to support the children financially. Ridiculous but his true colours perhaps!!
Agree totally on keeping your dignity. Come here to do your screaming.
@YommyMommy mind also had a go at change.

Helping more etc. It's just insulting to know they could act differently but choose not to until their backs are against the wall. So frustrating!!

I’m just sick of his thoughtlessness. I can’t stand being around him. Had one of the dc comment about how much they love the house and they wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. Separation would put an end to that. Just feel so lost.

He shoots me down at every opportunity and justifies it by stating “am I not allowed a difference of opinion”
Wishing finances were in a better position so I could get out of this mess.

@Idontkowmyname are you sure finances are so bad that you can't make a move? It's inhumane to be living and and treated like that. It sounds desperately sad.
Try not to dwell on what the dc say about the house. I'm sure wherever you settle in the future you'll make it into a lovely home for them and they'll say the same thing then. It's you in that house that makes them not want to live anywhere else really.
Have you had any legal and or financial advice. Sorry if you've mentioned before but there are so many stories I might get mixed up.

@PressToChange yes sadly finances are in the poop and I pretty much had to beg for some cash to be transferred to my account so I actually had some funds. I will try and find a way to get some advice and find out where to go from here.
Don’t know why I bothered but I sent a text yesterday while he was on his way to work mentioning about being unwell and some details for the day and it was read and ignored. The only communication I got throughout the entire day was checking his parcel arrived. He got a one word response and then I was in the wrong. Am I expecting too much to have some form of care factor?
I’m just over it all and it doesn’t help that the eldest dc told me they didn’t care that I was unwell

feeling really low today, for a silly reason to, well maybe not totally silly but - next week I was meant to be taking my son to California for a road trip. It was booked as a family holiday but H dropped out in the summer as he 'couldn't fly that far' and encourage me to still go (dream trip). I had planned it all, booked hotels and some tickets for theme parks. Fast forward a few months and my dad was very poorly with cancer and we lost him early December. The balance for the holiday was due end of November and my H basically bullied me into cancelling the holiday by saying what happens if your dad were to past away if you are on holiday etc (by that point we were still living in hope). Previous to this, since H dropped out of the holiday he kept saying how lonely he will be and how much he will miss me, he kept mentioning the gun culture and that i might get shot (tried to tell him I have a higher chance of being ran over by a bus on the main road!) or that Trump may delcare war on N Korea etc.

As the original travel date is looming, I should be having a lovely weekend of packing and getting things ready, instead I am now dreading half term as a couple of weeks ago, H decided to take the week off too so we can 'be together' urgh. I really do not need his clinginess and have to do things that he wants to do. He really is my 2nd child and he often tells me he is too. Plus as he will not be in work, his drinking will rocket again. He refuses to accept he has a problem, on wednesday he drank 12 cans of larger and half a bottle of gin (my gin that i have once a week). He was rather poorly yesterday - idoit.

Sorry for the moan, I just want to go on my dream holiday and take my son to Disneyland. Too much to ask?

@seekingfreedom sorry for your loss. It’s so frustrating that they manipulate things and can still come out of a situation smelling of roses.
I know it’s not the same but could you and ds go to one of the UK theme parks for a short break?
The drinking alone would be enough to make me reconsider a relationship so the fact that you’ve needed to deal with additional issues makes the situation all the more challenging.

@PressToChange he’s turning nasty.
Wants to tell the kids mummy is divorcing daddy.
He’s taken his wedding ring off which I can’t bring myself to do. Makes it too final.
He disappeared out tonight. Didn’t even tell me. I didn’t hear the door shut. Only know as I said to DS ask dad when he says goodnight.
He really is going to make my life a living hell.
Don’t know what’s worse. Living with him trying to be happy or living through hell praying I’ve made the right choice.
He has made it abundantly clear he will forever blame me and will make me suffer.
So so scared my mind has imagined all of this and I’m going to have an awful existence from now on.
Fear is a horrific emotion to the point I’m questioning should I be doing this?
My poor kids. What is he going to say to them?
Really am questioning my own judgement....but is that because I always have with him then making my choice?
What if he’s right...I find someone else that’s worse than him...he has never physically hit me so I know it could be worse. A lot worst.
I’ve cried so much tonight. I feel so sad that it’s come to this. But I don’t know how to stop it or fix it other than it now being me pleading for forgiveness.
I know I have my faults that have added to this but it isn’t just me. And I haven’t felt him plead for forgiveness. He’s cried. Said sorry. But not addressed the reasons why he treated me badly which he says weren’t that bad.
He fucking lifted my dress while I was bathing our son to check out the fat rolls
He went fucking mental because I wouldn’t let him feel me up in the back of a cab
He fucking refused to talk to me for a whole night because I wore a vest top and flat shoes.
He actually refused to talk to me for a week because I was too fat to be on a sun lounger next to him.
He refused to have a family vacation because he wasn’t getting what he wanted.
He is the one who has never once used a washing machine in his 42 years.
He’s never cooked me dinner and I regularly cook him a separate meal because he’s so fussy.
I’m to kiss cuddle or perform when and how he chooses.
I’m to listen to music he wants however loud he wants
I’m to listen to his bloody pinball machines all day if that’s what he wants to play them.

Sorry totally ranted there...typing and re reading some of those things is some weird way of trying to remember how I ended up not liking my husband.
Are these grounds to divorce a man?
Or have I really lost my shit like he tells me I have?

@OEJ1979 it all sounds absolutely horrific and no way for anyone to live. The whole I’ve never hit you I deserve a gold medal attitude is appalling. My h does similar. Just a complete lack of accountability on their part.

@OEJ1979 i think our Hs are at the same stage developmentally.

Mine too is saying it's mummy divorcing Daddy.
He's having private conversations with them in the car etc. Saying he doesn't want this. It's all me doing this too him. Obviously he has never stepped a foot wrong. 2 cautions for assault and he raped me

Like you i know that I have faults. I've never claimed to be perfect. But these are regular faults. Grumpy in the morning before I've had a cup of tea. Etc.

Not like you have listed, deliberately nasty to belittle and control another person.

He was only happy when you were pleasing him. He did not try to please you or make you happy except on his terms.

Don't question your judgement. That's what he wants. You to doubt yourself. Don't. This is a time when you need to tune into yourself and trust your instincts.

These men are extremely manipulative and doubt is exactly what he wants you to think.

You do know your own mind. You are also human and feeling the decisions that are being made. That's why you are upset or feeling emotional. Because it is a big thing. Not because it's the wrong thing.

The things that you have written on here. Go back and read your previous posts. He wanted to secure his finances by wanting you to sign a pre nup. Who benefits from that - he does!! Gets you up in the middle of the night and doesn't let you leave a room?! You know that's not right. And on and on.

He can try to make you suffer but don't give him the power to do that. Don't make him important. Strip it all away and see him as he is.

In my case I now see my H as the short arse that he is, not the God like creature he would have me believe he was.

I'm not even joking. I looked at him recently up and down. He saw me and said what are you looking at. I said is the floor sloping because you look really short. He said no the floor isn't sloping. That was one of the moments I had clarity.

These men are bullies. Like any bully they only have power if you give it to them. I know it's old but the whole "fake it until you make it" applies here.

Don't show that you're affected and it'll be so frustrating for him as he loses his power. Come on here and sound off, message me, anything and vent if all here. Then go back stronger.

If he steps a foot out of line and you feel scared call the police. Please say that you will do this.

Document everything that happens and if you can do so historically with rough dates do that too.

You have seen his true colours. Clearly from what you've posted he won't hesitate to play dirty and set you up as the bad guy but he doesn't have facts to substantiate that. However you can back up what you're saying about him.

You have not lost your shit. Don't let him tell you that. Again it'd be convenient for him for you to believe it. What you've lost is your blinkers and can see him for what he is. In my case certainly what he always has been lurking under the surface but you just don't discover it until you stop doing everything to please them.

Stay strong. Stay on here too. You have such support. 💕

@OEJ1979 watch this. I felt physically sick as I recognised all of those behaviours.

vimeo.com/ondemand/thefreedomprogramme.

@Idontknowmyname. He has a few times said he wishes he had been a real true arsehole. As everything he’s achieved is worthless.
He just has zero respect for me or women in general I feel.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop wondering if I’ve made the right call or not.
If I can bring myself to hit send with the petition

@OEJ1979 his comment about wishing he’s been a real true arsehole speaks volumes and should help reinforce that you’re making the right call by leaving.

I have just read every single post. Hugs to all. Where to start....

Currently trapped living in Australia. Just trying to find a way home with my two DC. DH and i both from the same city, had a few wonderful years and came to Australia to travel. The minute we stepped off the plane he changed. After years of abuse and lying I have had enough. He has been on medication/counseling for two years since everything came to a head but I can't live like this anymore and refuse to let my DC grow up in a unhappy home.

I have had legal advice, I need his permission to take our children back home. I am just inching forward towards this goal everyday. This means going home as a family otherwise I will never be able to leave.

I started individual counseling which I did for a year, this has giving me so much.

I have went back to university and changed careers. This one allows me to work school hours/weekends and holidays off with the kids.

I have gotten my DCs Australian passports and applied for both of their European passports.

I have told my parents what has been happening. My Husband's parents are aware too and all have been supportive.

I have been putting a little bit of money each week into a separate account each, it is my money and he is aware of the other account but at least it's something.

Husband has agreed we can go home this year if I am still not happy not sure if he means it but I have to try. I just want to get us home where we are safe and surrounded by loved ones.

@Lana2020 welcome to the thread. It’s 4am in the uk so I don’t think there are many of us about. Do you think dh will consent to going back to the uk or will it be another tool he will use to further the abuse?
Please take this comment with the kindness it is intended but I’d highly recommend you show caution confiding in his parents regarding the abuse as irrespective of what they says ultimately they will be on his side. Consequently,they may use the info against you at a later date. It sounds so cynical on my part I’m just sadly all too aware of how often it happens.
Hope this thread provides some support over the coming weeks and months.

@Idontkowmyname I know it should reinforce me but why do I feel so scared?
I know the kids will continue to have all they want with him and I won’t be able to give that to them.
In reality I don’t want to. They need to learn about a more realistic world.

I have some great family and friends around me but am very fearful that the moment he takes them away on their first holiday I will be here. Alone. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go.
That terrifies me.
I know it’s too late now to change things. They are heading this way out of my control. But I really am scared I’ve got this all wrong.
There are so many what’s ifs but my main one is my DC.
What if he is clever enough to get them to believe I have gone mad and they choose him. Or because he will give them everything they will want to go to him. Mummy makes us load the dishwasher. Mummy makes us make our beds. Mummy doesn’t buy us everything.
They will want him not me.

I’m on the edge. I know I should take that leap of faith but there is part of me that wants to climb back to my security blanket and know I’m safe.
I’m safe from the world but not from him.