Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

Oh wow. A thread made for me.

I apologise that I've not read the whole thread yet!
Here's my situation….
Married for nearly 19 years. Got PND after child one and never really recovered I think. I've resented dh for not realising I was depressed or being interested in me getting help.

Now I just don't enjoy his company. He's not horrible or abusive or anything, I just don't like being with him. He IS trying, I can tell. He recently spent £££ on my birthday, and whisked me away for the weekend, but I was still miserable with him. The calls me "lovely" all the time and hugs me. We have not been intimate for years and years now.
I have little self confidence and feel that he doesn't respect my opinions or ideas. I have said this, but he just told me I was being silly.
We can't afford to run 2 houses and keep dc at the schools they're at (yrs 10 and 13).

I feel stuck.

@Pajamas I get that totally.

DH is now really really trying. I took a day off today though, felt like I just needed to have a day to get over the loss of what I thought was someone important to me, who it turns out went off with the first date he had... Despite stringing me along with promises of waiting.
I went to bed last night and have started taking Nytols in an effort to sleep, it's not working unfortunately. After a couple of hours of tossing and turning I decided to go downstairs to sleep, I really wanted to have a good cry too... DH came down and told me to come back to bed. I tried to pass it off as restless legs, he wasn't buying it though. I know he's hurting, I know he's in pain and I feel awful, I just can't see a way out of this pain right now.
Feel a bit beter now I've let myself have a little wallow, my day off tomorrow so just two days this week when I might see OM to worry about, plus unfortunately I'm likely to run into him and his new girlfriend on Friday. It'll do me good as I need to see him for what he is, but I know it'll be painful.

I'm just feeling a mix of heartbreak, guilt, and faint optimism that DH might change, along with feeling awful for thinking that whatever he does, it might not change how I feel, as I cannot let go of the feeling that I don't really love him and I've got the ick.

Maybe opening up in counselling might help, but we are on the waiting list and no idea how long we have to wait.

Thinking of getting a GP appointment to get pills for depression, it's constant now, I've got no interest in anything and I'm just so tired but can't sleep.

@Stegasaurusmum I had that exact same thought this morning, about going to docs. I have no energy or enthusiasm for anything and I'm worried about the effect of my behaviour on DS.

I hope with time your feelings for OM will fade completely, so at least you'll know more clearly how you feel about your DH and whether you want to try to save your relationship. It sounds like it's all mixed up in your mind at the moment and you can't see clearly. Sorry if I'm projecting, I've been there before

Definitely try the GP, there's no shame in it. I started taking St John's wort, making sure I took time to go running, have baths, spend time with friends, it helps, but there's no escape, work has OM and home has DH.

That's exactly how it is feeling, I felt so clearly that he was who I wanted and if I've had those feelings then it must be all over for us because I can't have felt like that without it being real... But the feelings are very persuasive... The chemistry between us, they don't call it that for nothing...

But him doing what he did, which was to tell me he would wait, he would end things with his girlfriend of a few weeks, and would do this if I asked him to... Then when I said OK, give me a couple of months... He then didn't know if that's what he wanted. So I told him to leave me alone, he's agreed. I've never felt so heartbroken. It's all I deserve, but it's done me a favour really.

It's hopefully going to let me move on properly, to see if there is anything left with DH. I hope so, but it's been 10 years of building resentment and distance.
I'm grateful to the OM in a way, I'd forgotten what it was like to have that passion and care from someone... If its taught me that it's what I need from DH then that's a good thing. He's admitted that he's not given me that, that he's withdrawn and not been supportive and that he hasn't listened, that he wants to change for himself. So that is positive. But whilst I care for him, I just don't know if I've got, or can get back, the love and respect. I accept I've done a terrible thing, but I'm just hoping some good can come out of it.
I guess I'm still trapped in an unhappy marriage, but maybe if I can get through my current mood and feelings, if we both really try, then we might have something. I still feel clearest when I think about leaving, but when I think about staying, it's not the depth of despair I had a week or so ago. Thing is that is when I'm on my own. When DH is here, being helpful and doing everything he can around the house, just not the really important stuff I've asked for, like emotional support, then I just look at him and think I can't do this..
Time till tell I guess.

I know I should be doing the same - looking after myself and keeping up the running. Instead I'm doing as little as possible.

I think sometimes things with an OM (or OW I guess) seem way better than they really are. I understand how let down you feel that it wasn't what it seemed. I also think there's some truth when they say that people in happy relationships don't stray. From experience, you may not realise you were unhappy until afterwards though.

Have you had counselling on your own? Maybe would help to unravel your thoughts.

Think H is getting some advice this week. Just hoping we can get the living situation resolved in the near future, as an actual divorce will take around 9 months according to my solicitor. Every week that goes by I feel it's another week wasted when I could have been happy with DS. Instead of in this depressive slump. Burst into tears when I was getting ready this morning. This sucks

Sorry so many of us are feeling down and tired.

@Pajamas I am so much in the same position. 'For some reason I thought he'd move out straight away but that's clearly not going to happen.' Having said the words I can't believe that DP is now just pretending nothing has been said. He's clearly going nowhere and is going to try to be difficult about going, even though he can't afford to buy me out. Like you, I thought once I had said I didn't want to be with him, he wouldn't hang around. He has now become a limpet. One reason of course, understandably, is the DCs and it would look like he was leaving them if he was the one that went I guess, but I work from home, I am the stability for the DC while he has been extremely unstable and depressed the last few years and he can't afford to live here. Not sure how to move things forward.

@Stegasaurusmum I get the exhaustion thing. I feel like I've been like that for years and in truth that may have been down to feeling emotionally unhappy in my relationship even when I wasn't ready to admit that. I think a lot of energy has been spent recently as a result of being in a state of high irritation at everything DP does! Sorry sleep is so rough. I was like that with unsettled sleep before Christmas but not sure if it is a move to hrt or not drinking last month that has made me feel a bit better in myself and improved sleep- some of the time anyway.

I hope tonight is better.

@seekingfreedom belated happy belated

Least when we separate, there will be no tiny glimmer of hope that he might have bought me something. H is ok with presents, but I will be glad to let go of the hope that things will change. Hope is so painful.

@PressToChange He said he wanted a reconciliation. He said he loved me more than the children. That he chose me. He just didn’t seem to get it that I was saying too much has happened, too many chances given. I know what you mean that too much has happened. I've gotten to a point where I just can't take anymore. There's so much hurt I've had to shut down towards him.

Thanks @OEJ1979. I really appreciate that. I'm hoping I just need 6 months to rest and recover a bit. Youngest are both in kindy three 1/2 days a week now, so hopefully I can start to recover.

I think I'm ahead of where H is too. I've given up, he's still seeing a future together. I have no idea how to tell H let alone DC. They're little so I expect it will be the we both love you very much but don't love each other anymore type speech but I can't imagine actually . I don't think the two little ones will get it much. I'm really worried about how our eldest will cope. She doesn't trust DH anymore, I'm struggling to even get her to go on a fun outing with him on the weekends. I think she'll fall apart with shared custody. Im heartbroken at the thought of not seeing them every day.

@CannaeBelieveItsNot it's not minor or lame at all. That's very controlling behaviour from you H. I'd hate that. H does the supermarket/shops thing like @seekingfreedom said. I hate going to the shops for anything with him.

@Earlgrey19 welcome to the thread. I think a lot of us have similar financial worries about splitting up. I don't know if I'll ever be able to work due to chronic illness and the idea of what's ahead financially is terrifying. Our kids are only little too. But living with him is destroying my mental health and I think I'm going to reach a point soon where I can't take it anymore whatever the cost of splitting.

I’ve read so many relatable things on this thread, it’s the first time I’ve actually cried about the state of my marriage. Here goes...

Been together almost 10 years, married nearly 5. First 5 years were great (except deep down I couldn’t let feeling for my ex go). Despite this I was loyal and threw myself into what I believed would be a happy marriage.

5 years on, things are awful. Beautiful daughter that we both adore, but after money stress, daughter having major surgery and both our parents being ill, a lot of love and respect has disappeared. The usual things I suspect happen in most marriages annoy me. Around 12 months ago, my ex got in touch and I realised I don’t love my husband. We stopped being intimate, which I realised has hurt him, but more recently I found him visiting porn sites daily, which has turned into viewing live sex webcams. He has no idea that I know this.

My marriage is in turmoil, we sleep separately most nights, I dread sex and there’s very little emotional connection. At home things are calm but I am so anxious inside and know it must come to an end. 😢😢 I am dreading the process and don’t know how to tackle it. I have no desire to rescue my marriage xx

Welcome to the thread @Fabulous13. I have no desire to rescue my marriage either. But thinkinv of putting an end to our marriage feels scary.

@fabulous13 i just spoke to my counsellor and her advice to me was to just take it one step at a time. Not to think of all the stuff in the future, the scary what ifs but to think about just the next thing. Acknowledge the feelings you're having and then deal with that, it's a loss, even if you're not happy, it's still a loss when you realise things aren't right.
My next step is to distance myself from the things that are clouding my judgement and the panic and the sad feelings, to look at more counselling as the next step and to then take it from there really. Not going to try to plan in advance what might happen or think too much about the future.

@Stegasaurusmum yes baby steps is the way. Don't try to boil the ocean, do it one kettle at a time! Good luck with your counselling, mine has helped me no end.
Hello to the new joiners, I hope you get as much support from this threat and it's lively posters as I have. Don't ever think that what you're hung through isn't that bad when compared to others. It's what you want and what's right for you that is important. If can't tolerate it then it shouldn't be tolerated.

Well, I've gone and done it. I have sent an email to the solicitor to say I want to go ahead with divorce and to ask what I need to do next.

I'm not sure how I feel. At the time I sent it I felt excited. Now I feel a bit like "oh sh1t how's this going to go down"

I meant to send the email to the solicitor yesterday but didn't and when I tried to analyse why not it was really because I'm not sure how he's going to react.

I don't feel in danger but I am worried he might just snap which is a worry. It's ridiculous to think like this I know. Then I think well will he do something stupid and top himself. Will he walk out. Or will he accept it's over and behave like an adult.

What I do know is I am not responsible for his happiness and I can't live in this limbo anymore. We're both I'm the same house. Living separately but he's not acknowledging we're living separately. No ones happy. It's not going anywhere. It's like ditch full of stagnant water just stewing away. He's said he'd like a reconciliation but has done absolutely nothing to proactively get that reconciliation.

I know it's the right thing to do. I just really hope he can manage to mature so it's as painless as possible for the children.

@PressToChange I really hope he deals with it like an adult, and you're right - you're not responsible for his happiness.

My H isn't dealing with our situation at all. Making unrealistic demands and otherwise completely refusing to engage. So doesn't look like the situation is going to change any time soon.

What is it with men just carrying on and burying their heads in the sand?!

Oh dear yes. I need help in that area too. DS just pretending nothing has changed even though I've said I wanted to split. Just ignoring it. Do we just keep having to repeat the words? It's painful to keep having to bring it up again, when the status quo just grinds on without a 'scene', outward upset or difficult conversations if not worse. If someone said that to me, something would change and shift - at some point I would want action so that I was going forward to whatever my new way of living would be. Do I have to move bedrooms just to make a point? I am avoiding all forward planning eg holidays or nights out together with other people by saying 'no I won't want to do that' but I haven't forced the 'we are now split up because I've said the words' because we are both still here ... albeit not emotionally (or sexually) together.

@Pajamas I don't know but it seems to be a common theme burying their heads in the sand. They throw their weight around, make demands, act unreasonably. Then when challenged - change, are suddenly the victim who has never had our support, has never been truly loved and just can't understand why we're doing these nasty things to them.
Or is that just my H?!?
Mine keeps saying to anyone who will listen including the children Mummy just wants to "get rid of me" which makes me so cross. Like I woke up one morning and said ooh, I'm bored, what shall I do today to occupy my time. Oh I know. I'll try to "get rid" of H.
Nothing to do with him and his behaviour at all

Do you think it's something to do with standing up to a particular type of man. Like it's never ever happened before and it just doesn't compute?
I hope your H sorts himself soon and begins to engage. My counsellor is worried about my Hs reaction and has advised me in how to talk gently to him. I will follow that advice as I don't want to make things worse and him to get potentially violent but it makes me so angry that I'm tiptoeing around this pr1ck who has physically and mentally hurt me!!

@marly11 I think you just get to a point where you realise that this status quo is actually miserable and life is quite short so have to take action.
Treading water isn't really a life.
You'd like to think all these Hs aren't stupid. I mean what's happening to their self respect that they are not doing anything when living with someone who emotionally and sexually has disengaged.
Is it simply fear of change for them. Or worry about losing pension. Or losing face. Because for goodness sake if they examine themselves they can't truly be happy can they? They can't be relishing 20 or 30 years more of that surely?

Dh gets paid monthly and was paid nearly two weeks ago and I’m still waiting on him to transfer funds to my account so I actually have some money. Had 20 quid left in my purse.
I’ve got no idea where we are going from here. I just don’t feel like he gives a s*it

I get the exhaustion, I really do. Feel like I’ve been running on empty for a long time now.

DH and DS had a massive argument on Sunday (it’s always Sundays...) and DS broke down in tears. His father was throwing his (metaphorical) weight around and DS snapped. DH then threatened to throw DS out of the house. This was for not tidying his bedroom and not producing his passport for his dad to scan which he’d asked for several minutes earlier. DS is an adult. DH started yelling ‘My house My Rules’.

No drug taking, law breaking... just a messy bedroom and a failure to immediately produce something. DS is busy working on an amazing project in his spare time. He’s not lolling around on the sofa watching Netflix.

Anyway, the red mist descended. Funny how I’ve taken so much abuse - emotional and financial over he years, but when it happens to your children. It’s Game Over. I’ve shut down.

I am locked into going away with DH to somewhere pretty amazing. We went a couple of years ago and he raped me. Left me with bruises that I struggled to hide in a swimming costume. Hoping it won’t be too triggering. We are at least going with several friends so I’m hoping to press the divorce button when we’re home. My people pleasing tendencies won’t let me duck out.

But I’d rather be in Skegness, eating fish and chips on the sea front with someone who makes me LAUGH.

God. I just SO want a laugh.

ByeBye I’m so sorry you were raped. That is horrendous. Please reach out for all the support you need to leave. It needs to happen.

Hello all,

Just checking in for now but will write a proper post later when work is less mental (stress mode fully on this week).

I’m really tired of the same arguments with my partner. I’m exhausted and I actually care less now. We have a daughter and for me to leave him would require an overseas move, money that I don’t really have and taking her away from him. I’ve told him my past is off limits so many times, but he continues to find a way to throw it in my face. Sick of feeling like I’m constantly on the defensive. He says “I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me,” but when I tell him I don’t want to be with him, he drags it on and on and begs me to work on it bla bla bla. So over it. He’s 90% amazing, 10% crazy a hole.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie that is awful. Im so very sorry to hear what you have experienced. As Earlgrey19 says, please reach out and get support.
Does your H acknowledge what he did? I woke up with mine having sex with me and ran out of the door. He still doesn't think it was wrong as in his words he stopped when I said stop 😡
I do know what you mean about wanting to be happy. I had a dream on Sunday night that I'd met someone and was having a meal. In the dream I was happy. I woke up thinking oh that's what it feels like because I haven't felt it for as long as I can remember.
Listen to your instincts. I've been on this journey of knowing it's wrong and then plucking up courage for a long time. I only emailed the solicitor yesterday to go ahead. That's after being assaulted on Nov 2018 and raped in February 2019. It isn't easy. Just continue to take small steps in the right direction for you. For some it isn't an one big event that causes an immediate reaction to split, for a lot it's an accumulation which in my opinion makes it almost harder to justify? Stay strong and believe in yourself 💕

@SaaaaTired I had an ex that was like that with my "Past" (the way he referred to it it always sounded like it had a capital P). Basically I had slept with more people than he had and he just couldn't handle it, but he felt he deserved a medal for "coping with" my Past. Sounds like another example of a man who can't let his partner move on. Definitely a recurring theme here, and extremely unfair on everyone involved.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie that's beyond awful. You deserve a laugh and so much more.

@Pajamas he has slept with around 3x as many people as I have! I could not care less who he was with before, but he is obsessed. He even compared himself to my ex husband yesterday because apparently I “tried harder” to make things work with him, which MUST mean I loved him more and was more attracted to him! I actually laughed out loud because it was that ridiculous. He is nearly 40yrs old and he’s carrying on like an 18yr old girl!

Hi I'd like to join please. A few months ago I started a thread on here about is being unhappy really a reason to leave, I received alot of support. A few months down the line I'm still unhappy and can't see a way out. We've been going to relate and I've requested an individual appointment with out counsellor so I can tell him how I feel. We joint own our house but as I will have the children 5 nights a week I will want to stay in the family home with them so I need to see a solicitor to see how I go about all this. Our children will be upset especially our 4 year old but I just can't live with someone I don't love anymore

Joining for solidarity. I'm both depressed and relieved that I'm not alone. I told my DH a few weeks ago that I wanted to separate. Firstly he handled it really badly, then he agreed to move out but only for a finite period So of course I backed down because I don't want to put the DCs through the trauma of telling them he's going only for him to waltz back in a few weeks later.

He thinks I just need 'a break' - but I don't love him and I've told him that. Why would anyone want to keep someone who doesn't love them in a marriage?!

Now he's being all clingy and 'nice' to show he is trying but it's making me feel a bit sick