Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

Go you @BobbyParkhurst
I still do everything.

He has cemented my decision.
As expected a huge row erupted regarding the mediation. Resulted in him following me into DD bedroom screaming so you want a divorce then.
He then continued over the dinner table to discuss the issues with DD and had her asking why I am turning down half the money. And asking for the reasons as to what her dad has done.
I held my nerve. I didn’t bite to her but he got a very clear picture that it was not acceptable.

I later told him that that behaviour is doing him no favours. We have agreed that we will work from his post nup to get a separation agreement.
I am going to look at places to rent next week. A waste of savings but I need my sanity and as he was to buy me out I may as well go now! Get me and the kids used to it. I am seeing my solicitor and will start the process. I have suggested a round table meeting with solicitors to try and progress this agreement.
As Leanne says in Love Island. I have the ick!!
There is no going back. I am yet to say the words to him. I’m just finally destroyed and can not continue to deal with the emotional blackmail.

I’m exhausted and just want to sleep.

Giving you all strength to get through another weekend

@Zoflorabore welcome to the thread. Glad you found us. Hope you get some rest.

Wonders will never cease - he is still mute, but obviously was hungry and has made himself some pasta. I am getting my calories from a half bottle of red.

The children (and DD's boyfriend, who is lovely, but of course, DP disapproves of him for no apparent reason) have popped downstairs, had a lively conversation with me and ignored him completely.

I know this isn't at all healthy for them, but I have no idea what to do with a twat that won't engage with anyone. I refuse to be the first person to crack - I've done that too many times and he gets away with shitty behaviour and I try to smooth it all over and keep the peace. No more.

@OEJ1979 * I have the ick!!
There is no going back. I am yet to say the words to him. I’m just finally destroyed and can not continue to deal with the emotional blackmail. I’m exhausted and just want to sleep. Giving you all strength to get through another weekend*
Me too on all of this. Wishing you strength to get through and I hope you find a great place to rent quickly.

I'll have no choice when I finally tell H. If he won't move out I can't. Because I can't work currently and the way benefits are set out here, if I move out the equity in our house becomes an asset and I can't get any benefits. So we'll have to do financial settlement before I can move and I might have to coexist under one roof till that happens.

@BobbyParkhurst I've spent a lot of time smoothing things over, desecalating and keeping the peace. It's an exhausting place to be.

Welcome to the tread to the newcomers. I'm glad you've found us and thanks to @Idontkowmyname for starting the tread.

@Iphone90 - can you cut and paste your post into a new thread of your own (maybe put some paragraphs in?) - then report this post and have it deleted by MNHQ (top right on blue bar immediately above your post, on the same line as your user name).

That way you can get people to discuss your actual problem and maybe get some advice - this thread is a different subject.

I have the ick too !
for all.

@Iphone90 I think you'd get more answers starting you're own thread. This one's mostly venting and support. Your partner does sound like they may possibly be controlling. And it sounds like they criticise you a lot.

I've been wondering if you can get over the Ick. After everything it seems the deal breaker for me. I can't imagine ever wanting to have a physically close relationship with H again. Surely that's the death knell for us. I can't see that feeling ever changing.

@Iphone90 so start you’re own thread. You’ll get much more relevant replies. One thought though...have you ever thought your son doesn’t call because of her?

The ick is a final blow. A close friend who separated from her H many years ago said she didn’t realise until she slept with someone else what she was missing. Like my H he put her down and made her feel useless. She said the first time was a revelation...maybe one day. Right now just my own space sounds good.

That's what it feels like @OEJ1979. The final straw. There are other things I don't know if I could ever get over. Things that have destroyed my trust in him. The lack of support when I'm really sick. The moodiness and the snapping ate away at me but the seeming complete lack of care for what Im going through and his anger at how it inconveniences him has broken me and broken us. I just want space and to be at peace, no termoil, no feeling like a worthless burden because H gets pissy when he has to do more. No more trying to de-escalate situations between him and the kids. No more feeling on edge as I hear the anger creeping into his voice. I honestly can't imagine ever wanting to have a relationship again.

It sounds like you're all going through some really tough times. I feel like a bit of a phony, I'm so miserable and unhappy but DH is really not that bad and is trying, a bit. We went out last night, overnight stay in a hotel. I was miserable mostly, we had a bit of conversation which was nice but I feel like I'm faking all the time.
Did DTD this morning, I think I was trying to see if I felt anything. I didn't, was just horrible and awkward.
The OM, who had told me he loved me etc, has moved on. Found someone already and going well. So if I'm leaving, it's to be alone.
I'm a coward but I just don't know if I can.

@Stegasaurusmum I feel a bit phony when I read threads on here, thinking H is so much better than many of the men posted about on here. Makes me think I shouldn't break up our family because it's not that bad. But it's not that good either. No matter what he's like if you've been miserable in your marriage and it's not just a short phase or you no longer love him, I think those are very valid reasons to leave. Even if he was the perfect husband and father, he can still be or have become the wrong person for you. So many women I know put themselves last. Me included, I keep thinking of the pain it'll cause h and the kids. But we count too. We deserve consideration and love and kindness and not to be miserable .

@ToBreatheAgain thank you. Yes. But just so difficult to put ourselves first as mums and wives. It's partly why I'm in the mess I'm in. Me putting myself first was what happened, and now I've felt that joy and love I can't go back to being OK with settling. Maybe I can improve things, I've no idea. But there will be a change, one way or another.

Checking in after a long period of silence. As always thanks for keeping me going all of you. I've said the words that there is no future in our relationship and I don't want things to continue but DP is continuing as if nothing has happened. Am trying to get 'my finances and life in order' and will then say it again. As many of you say, at the moment it is half bearable and I have moments of thinking it would be easier to do nothing, but there is no love from me, the ick is permanent and I am really just not interested in his company, never mind anything physical. I'm spending most of my time working or, once the DC are in bed, having an early night with my book (or Mumsnet).

@Stegosaurus mum I know what you mean. 'We've been parents for 10 years... I just felt like shaking him... I mean he's got bloody eyes!' It will be interesting what the counselling reveals and whether listening becomes more reassuring than that or just confirms things for you. What I had to say to DP last week, when I told him I saw no future in us, was that sadly I had heard nothing from him in counselling that reassured me and presumably that was me witnessing the real truth away from the bustle of the household.

@CannaeBelieveItsNot It's been the holidays in the last few years that I've found the worst. I can do the separate lives and busy thing to take my mind off reality but the last two holidays I have had with DP I have found painful with realising that whatever we have, and whatever we are spending, on where he wants to go, he remains quite uptight and manic which I find so hard to live with. Plus the price of such times away has emphasised our different attitudes and values - he places real focus on holidays but doesn't have the drive to earn enough money to afford them so the weight falls to me.

@Idontkowmyname - I'm so sorry. Hopefully anger can give you momentum here. You will have to rise above the low levels he has sunk to both in his dishonesty with you about money and the document he wanted signing and what he said to DC. He sounds something like my ex-h who was affluent, very charming but highly manipulative and controlling. In that situation I had to keep my head held high and keep my focus on the children and my financial security which came right in the end. It's taken Ds1 years to see his true colours but it's becoming obvious now. Many years later. I guess to the DC you just have to say 'it will all be fine' and not get pulled into those discussions about money and make your chess moves on the basis that you know he is not to be trusted at all. What served me well was that in his arrogance he underestimated me, my determination and my eventual understanding of quite how untrustworthy and manipulative he was - and I would say that was his undoing!

Wishing you all a better Sunday.

@marly11 I think that most of the last paragraph I was tagged in was intended for another poster. My anger has once again morphed into despair and how did I get in this mess with a man I don’t want to spend the next year with let alone the rest of my life. Lying in bed and tears rolling down my cheek.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned here, perhaps intuition by Marly11 that h is trying to force me to do something that will leave me more vulnerable financially. His right apparently as my husband.
I’m another person also getting the ick, some sleazy comments coupled with comments about being entitled to sex as he’s my husband is so off putting.

@Idontkowmyname I'm sorry , that's sounds awful. 3am is never the time for strength and clear thought is it. I hope you are feeling better this morning and had some sleep. it sounds like you are staying in the same bedroom at the moment despite your feeling of not wanting to be with him. Same here - it seems moving to another room would create stress for the Dc wondering what was happening, plus I've been ignoring DP's bedroom presence for so long maybe it doesn't make any difference moving bedrooms...though it's obviously not helping with him accepting the fact that I don't want to stay together. I think it was his 'answers for everything' you mentioned with your DH that made me think of my ex - as I say to DS1, who has inherited that trait, anything can be argued but that doesn't mean it's right...but with those people who can argue anything it's hard to be strong and quick enough at the time to say what is needed. They eventually manage to believe their own stories even if they knew they were exploiting when they first started. It also made me confuse your situation with @OEJ1979 whose also involved with someone trying to scheme financially to her disadvantage - apologies. Weekends are hard. And it's the constant feeling of 'maybe it's not that bad' against 'I am definitely about wanting to get out' that is also tiring me out.

I’ve had a lot of mulling things over (long weekend away with a big group of women) and can’t see any other way than it has to be divorce.
I’ve told H for a long time that we are not together. We are separated. That the next step is divorce.
Anyway, on Friday when no children were around I had an hour so I told him again. I said we had to draw this to a close. It’s not making anyone happy. I will be pursuing divorce.
He said he wanted a reconciliation. He said he loved me more than the children. That he chose me. He just didn’t seem to get it that I was saying too much has happened, too many chances given.
He said he can’t change the past but he can change the future. I reminded him of all the chances that he’s had already.
He also said - and this is where I really don’t understand what he sees - but we weren’t like this over the summer. We shared meals. We made love.
What??? We were on holiday with the children so we ate together sometimes. It was hard not to. Since February last year and today we had sex twice. It was functional. What planet is he on.
He was crying.
Then he goes on to say how he’s tried so hard to get it right and has been so wide of the target and is sorry.
However if he’s not going to be with his family he’s going to stop all this and do something worthwhile with his remaining years (mid-late 50s and by no means old)
This was said about how the children were going to be supported and if told him he’d have to pay maintenance.
So if I hear correctly if I divorce him he’ll quit his job and probably move to the country where our holiday home is.
I’m furious. I’ve been begging him for years to work less. Come home early and he’s said “oh I’ll try to get back before 8pm” while he had his breakdown I encouraged him to look at his life, possibly retrain, go back part time. Do hobbies more. And he wouldn’t. But now he might have to write me a cheque to support his children he can do that.
On Monday I will be phoning the solicitor I met and liked. I did mention in my first meeting with her, what if he suddenly gives it all up and decides to retire. She said the courts don’t look too kindly on that attitude so I’m hopeful.
Sorry that’s a bit long. I don’t really have anywhere else to get it off my chest in so matter of fact way. I think sometimes if you write it as it is or you see it, it becomes clearer in your own mind too?
@OEJ1979 your journey has evolved. Good luck with house searching. I find that the more definite I am the more it angers my H. I honestly believe it’s the first time someone has said no and they can’t get their own way. Stay strong ❤️
@BobbyParkhurst I’ve experienced that behaviour from my H with my 14dd. He escalates things that don’t need escalating. She’ll then shriek and he then intimidates by getting right in her face. It’s pure anger and frustration that he can’t make her do things.
@Idontknowmyname 10 years ago when I should have left H was saying that sort of stuff. Told me he expected sex at least twice a day. Indeed how charming those lines are to win a girl over and into bed!! Needless to say he didn’t get it.
Is there anyway you can get him to stop or at least document your objection to what your H is going to do to leave you more financially vulnerable?

@presstochange that sounds like you feel clear about what you want, which is great. It's just coming to terms with it I guess.

@marly11 I have that constant going between one way of thinking, then another. DH is being wonderful at the moment, going over and above to do cooking etc, organising stuff round the house, nothing like an equal share but it's a start I guess. he's admitted he needs to change. But he's being so meek, acting so beaten down, that it's just making me feel guilty. I can't see me ever having the respect for him really... Ultimately I don't fancy him, don't have the add park or even a little tingle when I look at him. But maybe with time it'll come back. I don't think so, because it's possibly not really been there.... So then I just feel guilty because he's done nothing really wrong, apart from be himself.

We sat down and had a big talk last night. I did tell him I felt like counselling was positive, but that I also felt bad as I just wasn't sure if it could change my feelings. He accused me of not wanting to try.. I did say that I have just shut down. But we both agreed to try, but also discussed that it might not work, that relationships end, people change. We at least had a discussion and he agreed that every time we have before, he's not listened.
I think at least I'm going into it with my cards on the table, mostly. I'll need to be more honest later but he's only just realising things, whereas I started to feel like this 5 years ago, on and off. Was never all bad. Just don't know if it's gone too far for me.

@ToBreatheAgain I started a reply yesterday but didn’t get to send it.
I really wish I could make you better so physically you could do what your mind wants.
I too feel a phoney sometimes.
He’s never hit me (although shut my hand in a door and refuse to let me out of rooms) he has always paid attention to me and we really have had the most amazing time together.

Something my sister says that I think may be true for many of us...
I am six months ahead of him.
I had the months of trying and shouting at him trying desperately to get him to realise his demands were killing me. I finally snapped and now the sides have switched.
He is desperately trying and my mind has moved on.
I’ve told him I’m done now.
Stupid estate agent sent an email when I didn’t even give her an address (must have had on file) so he asked questions.
Yet to discuss with kids. No idea how to do that. DD knows in her mind. DS will be crushed.
I feel crushed but like one small brick has been removed from my back.

@Stegasaurusmum I know what you mean. I feel like a phoney. My dp isn't really isn't that bad. He's not abusive and all my problems are so minor.

Example of things that have happened recently:

He bought a car without telling me/informing me/anything. Just went and did it. We can afford it, he's the earner and I'm the sahm so maybe it's not my place to say...I can't even drive.. but surely you make those big financial decisions together as a couple? I don't know, I really don't.

We went out together last weekend, just around the shops in our local town centre. Our DD wasn't looking well so I wanted to get her home. We walked past the opticians and I've needed my eyes tested for ages, he started walking up to it and said "we'll see if they can test your eyes now". I said "no, DD isn't well and I want to get her home.". In he walks, we all go in. Stand there for a bit as the woman is busy, he turns to leave and says "let's go". I snapped and said "don't I get a say in anything at all?". He walked off to the car, left me and DD. I waited to speak to the optician, no appointment available and DD and I began walking home. He drove up us in the car as we neared our house. It sounds so, so minor, and I had already said I didn't want to go in, I wanted to get DD home. It's just the way it's like, he wants to go in, so we go in. He decides to leave, we all have to leave.

I'm sick of absolutely everything being on his terms, his decision etc. He said I'd humiliated him by asking in the opticians if I got no say on anything, but nobody else heard me. And he said I pulled a face - any face I pulled was my natural reaction, I probably did look pissed off but nobody would have seen my face except him. I felt far more humiliated when he stormed out of the shop and left us there. He said I behaved like a child and asked me to apologise but I refused. I said "that's the point, I'm an adult and if/when I need an eye test is my decision".

... Sorry that's so so lame. But after 11/12 years of living life on someone else's terms I want to feel like a free and independent person again. I stopped going out with my friends years ago because of the fuss he made - he says he wouldn't be like that now and that I hold it against him - sadly I have no friends left to test out that theory.

Can I join? Stuck because of current financial dependency. Might in several years time be able to afford to scrape by with the kids, when both are at school but the thought of the financial struggle terrifies me. Massive communication problems in the relationship. Started at Relate but I’m not that hopeful partly because I think DH might be a bit autistic and not able to reflect on himself much or change the way he interacts. Very unhappy at the moment. Children are little, 2 & 5, and I feel really bad for them if we don’t sort it out. But we just don’t seem to be able to get on since we’ve had kids. Before then it was up and down but not as bad as this. Find it hard to sleep due to being unhappy. Don’t feel I can talk to people about it much.

@Earlgrey19 welcome to the thread. Concerns over finances are a major factor in staying in an unhappy relationship, myself included.

something else that really really annoys me and something i will be glad to see the back off when we eventually separate - birthdays. It was mine yesterday, Saturday night my husband (around 9pm) ask me if I wanted a birthday card and present off him and our son - who even asks this question? I just looked at him and said, for once it would be nice for you to think about my needs and what I may want, not whether it is a convience or not for you. He then just said, too late now anyway.

If he asked me about present ideas a few days ago I would prob say, dont worry, I will buy some new jeans myself (best way otherwise he would just buy the first pair he saw in a size 8....im at least a 16!) or yes - please can you get me some bath products (I just love bubble baths!).

Least when we separate, there will be no tiny glimmer of hope that he might have bought me something.

@CannaeBelieveItsNot i live with a - its my way or no way husband, and he would do exactly the same as yours. Food shopping is the worse, love going on my own, I go up and down every aisle planning meals/looking at offers and getting things on my list. If I went with him, its pick anything up and get out asap, then i have to do a top up midweek.

@seekingfreedom happy birthday for yesterday. I'm sorry for how he behaved.

Least when we separate, there will be no tiny glimmer of hope that he might have bought me something.

Expecting nothing and getting nothing, is easier to handle than that tiny glimmer of hope being dashed. My dp has never forgotten or not made an effort for my birthday TBF. He just never made any time for me day to day, and that's what I used to get upset about. One day I made a conscious decision that I was going to stop asking, stop expecting and stop getting hurt when inevitably he would decide that whatever he was doing was more than important than spending time with me. The result of that is that I stopped caring completely and then moved to actively not wanting to spend time with him, which is where I'm at now.

@Earlgrey19 welcome. Same position here with financial concerns.

Hi all, I know it's been said already but this is really a wonderfully supportive thread and I'm glad we've got it. I can empathise with those of us who are feeling guilty about wanting to leave, especially when there has been no abuse in the relationship, but I think it's important to believe that we do deserve to be happy. I don't think it does anyone any favours, children included, to stay in a relationship just because it's "not that bad".

I've been struggling a lot recently with feeling really down. For some reason I thought he'd move out straight away but that's clearly not going to happen. I know I can afford to buy him out and am seriously considering letting his name his price. The thought that this could go on for months and months is more than I can handle. Like I said it's not abusive, he's a nice guy but I definitely have the ick and am desperate to move on with my life.