Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

Thanks Idontkowmyname. Once or twice he has crossed a line. I don't mean being physically violent, just a couple of things he said that were way below the belt imo. But mostly it's just been a complete lack of thought/lack of care. Not calculated, not meaning to hurt me, just not thinking. He isn't bad but he has been very thoughtless and yes I agree with you if they really cared they could have put the effort in before it got to this point.

I just don't know what to do next. I've had some health issues, made worse because my mental health was bad and I wasn't looking after myself. I think the stress of the relationship combined with health trouble lead to something like a breakdown to be honest. And that lead to extra strain on the relationship. But now I've got my head on a bit straighter, so I'm trying to look after myself a bit more... Eat more, sleep more (not doing so good on the sleeping but it's better), seeing a counsellor which has helped a lot.

I have a long term plan, get mentally well enough and physically strong enough that I can get a job. At least to start with I don't care if it's low paid and I'm over qualified. I just want a job. Get some money in, and work on leaving.

I dream of a lottery win too. Sorry. I'm talking too much. I've just felt so alone. I'm sorry for others going through far worse but I am glad I found you all. I tried to talk to some of my family about it and they suggest stuff like counselling. They don't understand. I don't want to "fix things". I really don't. And then I'm back to feeling selfish and thinking I'm going to end up on my own one day regretting that I ever left.

Welcome @CannaeBelieveItsNot...you found v like me, except I did something stupid which forced my hand somewhat.

I too was up till the early hours, just awful sleep recently. Ended up sleeping in the spare room, which was nice actually. Not having to hang off the edge of the bed. I took yo writing down my plan and steps, just to make me feel like I have made some progress.

I keep doing every day things and getting struck with guilt about the house..
It'll pass, I guess.

DH is being very attentive, chatty, putting the kids to bed, kissing me goodbye (feel literally nothing when he does, it's horrible)
He hasn't done any of these things in months. It's really annoying me, that when threatened with counselling he can turn it around, after do many talks and nights where I was desperately needing help and he did nothing. Talks when he sat there in silence, if he's all reasonable and chatty with the counsellor then it's going to make me think I'm going mad I think... I expect him to be though, he's like that in company, then silent with me and the kids.
Just going to have to try to make sure I get across how I'm feeling.

Thanks @Stegasaurusmum

I hope your day has been ok. I'm feeling a bit pathetic. Never sure what I'm more scared of, being here forever or leaving and regretting it and ending up alone for the rest of my life. It's so hard to change what has been your life for so long. I am in awe of people who make it look so easy. I was always fine being single before I met him, but I was 22 when we got together. I like my own company and I spend most of my time alone, but it's different thinking that that is all you'd ever have.

@CannaeBelieveItsNot welcome to the thread :-)

Things this week have been ok, not much pestering and he has been semi considerate to my needs and feelings - ie, letting me go out to meet a friend last night, though I did get a number of texts telling me he is sad and lonely. I was out the house for 2 hours.

Thankfully mother nature has played her part this week, I really struggle with my monthly cycle, even at 37 years old, the pain - ouch! H has backed off with sex requests though every young woman we drive past he has to announce if he will have sex with her or not. Totally unapropirate but to him its a game.

I have had a spanner thrown into the mix this week though with work. My company is expanding and America is growing rapidly. I have been given the chance to move over there with the company with my family. This is something I personally would love to do, I have travelled all over the world and worked in many places. I moved to this company a few years ago for the international opportunties and now one has come up and they have asked me to consider it.

BUT

Can I move to America with an abusive husband? I really do not think I can. I would be committing to the marriage for at least 5 years (contract/visa length). Can I just put all this to the back of my mind and carry on? I would most likely be out of the house for 10-12 hours a day (commuting/working full day/commuting home - I work from home now) and he would have to take over school pick up/house jobs/meals etc until he has his authorise work permit which takes about 4-6 months to be granted.

There is no way I would be able to move over there on my own with my young son. Just the wrap around child care would most likely wipe out my money - and thats if they have wrap around care like they do here!

I think I am going to have to put on hold any international opportunties until our son is a teenager and can get to school himself.

Confused.

Oh wow @seekingfreedom that sounds great. Have you looked at what it would cost for nannies or similar over there?

Your husband's "game"
I'm sorry you have to put up with that.

@seekingfreedom so sorry that things are the way they are. Regrettably I think you’ve made the right call regarding moving to the States. There would be nothing worse than trapping you in this relationship for five years. I also suspect that he’d “up the ante” if you moved as he knows you’d be held over a barrel regarding jobs and visas.
Dh also pulls crap any time I head out, I get checked up on and get the miss you, I’m abandoning him spiel yet apparently claims that he’s supportive of me socialising. Go figure.
No Idea what to do moving forward, I’m exhausted and the tank is completely empty.
The constant commenting on other women is disgusting it’s a two pronged attack to both put you down and to try and force a reaction out of you. I’m guessing if you did respond you’d be accused of being too serious and/or not being able to take a joke.
I’m probably rambling just wanted to reach out.

@seekingfreedom that sounds like such a hard decision if it is what you've been waiting for.
I've found myself holding off on big purchases, things for the house etc, because I keep thinking we'll I might not be here.

Saw the relate counsellor tonight. Was OK. As I predicted DH was calm, nice, chatty, opened up.. Nothing like our previous conversations when I've tried to talk to a slightly aggressive brick wall.

She asked us if we were both willing to try. My first thought was no, but I said I would as its try or call it a day now. I should be braver and just say what I think but just too scared I'm making a mistake.

He admitted he thought there were problems and he'd ignored it.. But also that he's just rubbish at house stuff and relating to the kids just because he is. Because no one has taught him.

We've been parents for 10 years... I just felt like shaking him... I mean he's got bloody eyes!

I think he thinks a few date nights will do it. Its so much worse than that...

Its a step though I guess, even if towards splitting with him accepting it, maybe.

@Idontkowmyname No Idea what to do moving forward, I’m exhausted and the tank is completely empty..
Me too, absolutely nothing left but have to keep going for the kids. I'm getting sicker and sicker. Have had a big financial hit this week, so all the savings which I was hoping to take half of if we split are gone. I'm completely overwhelmed by DCs needs. Trying to get funding for the support DC with SEN need. It's a massive process here. Everything together is just too much. DH keeps talking about the future, he seems completely blind to how messed up our relationship is.

@Stegasaurusmum She asked us if we were both willing to try. My first thought was no, but I said I would as its try or call it a day now. I should be braver and just say what I think but just too scared I'm making a mistake.
Been there too. Feeling like trying is pointless but saying I'll try. There's this niggling but of me that thinks I might be wrong, that maybe he can change, maybe we can save things. I read another thread where the op was upset that her oh had just accepted it when she said they should end things. That he started planning to move out the same day. She wanted him to fight for them, to say he could change. I think I'm still there. The logical part of me says there's absolutely no chance he will change and I can't live with him the way things are. But there's a tiny little voice of hopium saying what if I find the way to reach him, what if I tell him things are over and he realises what he's done and he fights for our marriage. But even if he did, I don't think I could ever trust him again. I wish I could hold onto the moments of certainty and clarity I have. Mostly Im a mass of uncertainty, what ifs and self doubt.

She asked us if we were both willing to try. My first thought was no, but I said I would as its try or call it a day now. I should be braver and just say what I think but just too scared I'm making a mistake.

Understand this so much.

Have been feeling so clear in my head about things. Working on saving money up to move out as until I have money behind me I'm stuck. But my partner thinks things are going well with us right now - my fault, I couldn't take the arguments anymore and I said I'd try, but trying hasn't looked much different to how things were that lead me to being unhappy in the first place - Ie. pretty much living separate lives. And living separate lives is what I want now, so that's good by me.

But, now he wants us to go on holiday in a couple of months time. I've said yes. I can't say no when I'm supposed to be trying and I know dd would love it. I'm dreading it. I feel sick thinking about it. I keep trying to block it out. It's "only" going to be 7-10 days. Who knows, maybe the time together is what we need, but I just don't want it anymore. 5 years ago maybe yes, but not any more. I don't want things to work out. God I feel so selfish.

I mean I've been trying to make an effort to spend more family time on weekends for his and dd's sake, but it's always on his terms. That's one of the problems, everything is always on his terms. And now this holiday. Makes me feel like I can't breathe.

@Idontkowmyname I think I have, I can not go through with a move to America with him. It saddens me very much but there will be other chances hopefully in the future. I think I would end up regretting being stuck in a marriage and being so unhappy. I enjoy my job now so I will carry on with that and try and sort my life out first.

@Stegasaurusmum my husband says that - he doesnt know what to do with our son, I have to 'teach' him how to do bedtime....like wtf? He is 6, he puts himself to bed, you just have to go and tuck him in, make sure he doesnt have the tablet (caught him a few weeks ago with it....sneaky little monkey lol) and give him a kiss. Its hardly rocket science.

@CannaeBelieveItsNot - I feel exactly the same as you. I feel trapped too, money I have been saving but becuase he is stupid and spends money on things for his 'hobby' it is very hard. Just an example, two weeks ago he spent £500 on him, I then had to move £300 out of my 'savings' to cover the bills. He didn't even ask me which annoyed me the most. I opened a seperate account and this month I got work to put my wage in my new account so I am hoping it is going to be easier to save now. I will transfer my half of the bills/food/petrol to the joint account but when is left, I am treating as mine. Husband is also talking about holidays, we have been looking at going to Berlin - on his terms to look at their museums and history etc as he has a massive interest in WW2 and now our son is starting to show an interest too. There is nothing in it for me, I have been to Berlin but I am keeping the peace and agreeing for now. When we have weekends together (rare as he works a shift pattern) we have to do what he wants to do. He has also tagged onto a weekend trip down south to see my sister because there is an old aeroplane museum he wants to visit....so its all about him again.

We will find strength to get through these days until we leave :-)

I can not go through with a move to America with him. It saddens me very much but there will be other chances hopefully in the future. I think I would end up regretting being stuck in a marriage and being so unhappy. I enjoy my job now so I will carry on with that and try and sort my life out first.

Yes I think you'd definitely regret moving out there with him. As sad as it is. Many, many wishes for lots of new opportunities in the future though... For everyone on this thread.

Hi can I join? I have a thread going in relationships about H. Im quite sure I should leave but I'm not sure it's doable until the end of the year, when I finish therapy and our youngest is almost school age. Have read a lot of this thread and it's really helpful and reassuring.

@Lastreng91 welcome to the thread.

Thank you

Feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight to be honest. Wondering how things have got like this and what the heck I can do to drag myself out of feeling like this. Scared and overwhelmed by both the thought of staying as well as leaving.

The scared and overwhelmed has moved to rage.
Unreal rage I’ve never experienced before.
We had the mediation today. I insisted on shuttle mediation as I thought he may get angry and aggressive towards me.
He isn’t happy. The mediator basically told him the ‘post nup’ was not good and not a document he would recommend anyone to sign.
Tried to negotiate a couple of points but he left angry. He was basically told what my solicitor and financial advisor told me...it’s not fit for purpose.
The rage has arisen from a call my our DD. I’m at my mums tonight and he (there are many words I could use right now) has gone and told her that we had a meeting and I want more than half our money and so she will have to be taken out of her school. She was distraught. Sobbing down the phone at me. I’d had too much to drink to go round and see her.
How dare he discuss this with her to start. And then say he will make her move school...her fees are already paid for the next three years. We will have 1 year that will be essential and the we don’t know if she will get in for six form.
Not sure if he will have said the same to DS who only move school in September because he wants him at a private school. He was happy where he was and isn’t now.
Rage is unreal. I normally cry when I’m mad. Not even got it in me.

If this is not a wake up call I don’t know what is.
I am scared to go home tomorrow now. He will 100% start a conversation about the mediation and how I’m a money grabbing bitch...I’m not. I’m going 50/50....he has just missed out a monster part of our income which need declaring!

Really really scared as to what I’m going to face and I can’t not go home. I can’t break the arrangements we’ve made with the kids.

If I have the papers right here in front of me to file I would right this second.
I’ve no idea what is stopping me anymore.
Anyone with an ounce of dignity would not do what he has done. Anyone that is controlling and manipulative and unable able to accept their own mistakes and have to blame others would.

I can even hold him to it as I’ve promised her I won’t say a word. I always say I will never lie to her so I can’t break that. But fuck do I want to scream.

Sorry. One long rant. But I can’t scream. I’ll wake my poor mum!!!

That last lightbulb is there. I hope I don’t cave on it. I need to file for divorce and get away from him.
He will make my life a living hell for as long as possible but something has to change and it won’t come from him.

@OEJ1979 I’m fuming on your behalf at the nasty way the dc have been brought into things. I suppose this will help cement in your mind you’ve made the right call.

That sounds horrible OEJ

I'm telling a friend irl tonight that I've seriously considering leaving. Everyone thinks we're perfect and I cover for him on so many things and basically lie. I'm nervous as hell because in some ways I don't want it to be 'real'. I also need to have a clearer talk with H this week and make it clear I can't live with the things that have been going on but I'm not expecting it it to go well.

@Lastreng91 hope all goes well catching up with the person.

I’m dealing with a condescending backtracking prick and I’m so so angry at the moment. He just weasels his way out of assuming any accountability for his actions. Always got a bloody answer for things that makes him smell of roses when it’s a big steaming pile of 💩

Can I jump on?
I'm seriously considering telling my DP to bugger off, though I know he would refuse to leave.

He's a miserable git, always complaining, always negative, never says anything nice to the children, only points out faults or non-achievements.

We've been together 21 years, got 'engaged' 16 years ago, and never got further than that, probably because I didn't organise and pay for a wedding.

Last night was awful, I came home with the children after their activities just before 8pm, and before we had our coats off he was telling DD (15) off for something totally trivial. She, being a stroppy 15 year-old, retaliated and things escalated rather quickly with both of them arguing back and forth. She did say some rather awful things, but he went completely mental, bellowing in her face and actually chased her around a table trying to grab her at one point. I had to get in between them as I thought he was going to hurt her. She was actually threatening to call the police. It was terrible - DS(11) was terrified and it took me ages to calm DD down.

I don't know what to do now for the best - he's been a bit 'hands-on' with me one or twice in the past, but his temper has got much shorter and he does get completely over-the-top angry. I've not been able to have a proper discussion with him about anything contentious for years, because he just bellows at me if I have a differing opinion.

I did tell him very calmly "that had better be the last fucking time you put your hands on anyone in this family in anger, or you'll bear the consequences." He just stared at the TV and completely ignored me. I went upstairs to talk to DD and help DS with some homework, and ever since then, it's been radio silence. He even pathetically refused to eat dinner I had made him, and had a packet of crisps instead. The dinner was still there this morning on the side in the kitchen.

I'm dreading him coming home tonight - he'll be in full sulk, and that can last for days. He simply won't admit that he went too far and will turn it back on DD and how she spoke to him, so I can look forward to another evening of silence. She accepts that she was horrible, but he really scared her, and he also said some terrible things to her ('thick as fucking pigshit' was one - not true, she's more intelligent than him!)

Gosh, that was long - sorry. Just needed to get it off my chest.

Sorry - that turned into a rant about last night, but it's much more than that. I just don't really like him any more, because his negativity is so draining and it's just not an attractive quality. I don't really think he likes me either - I'm just convenient to have around so he doesn't have to do anything himself.

That does sound draining as hell bobby

As predicted, he's just come home, not spoken to anyone and is banging about like a bear with a headache - he's just making a cup of tea. The children disappeared to their rooms the instant he arrived and I'm stuck downstairs with him just sitting on his phone and pretending I don't exist.
I've decided I'm not making dinner - he can heat up last night's chilli and microwave some rice. He doesn't know that because he refuses to speak to anyone. The fucker.

Place marking as I’m about to go to bed- I need this thread