Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

@PressToChange you might be able to adk for a payment plan from actuary or small upfront and take rest out from settlement. I kmow some solicitors will do this. Surely the same issue arises with lots of people who are separating. I think weepy would be very normal given the situation. Even if things have been miserable for a long time you could still be mourning what you thought you had, the future you dreamed when you had a family together. I don't think anyone expects to end up here, no matter how bad things are. It's letting go of the hope that things would get better. The hope that got you through so much and kept you trying over and over. I've seen it called Hopium on here. It's hard to let go of that.

@OEJ1979 so glad to see you back. I dread H being here too. I dread the weekends, I always hope he gets caught at work and doesn't come home till I'm asleep. I wish he'd vanish and leave us in peace. Its so much nicer when he's not here.

@Tobreatheagain if only he bloody worked! Until this separation he was here all the bloody time. Never had so many lunches or worked out as hard in my life. Just to have peace. one day a friend cancelled so I went to my mums and went to bed! He may not be so needy if he had other focuses. Feels ridiculous that so many ladies here want their H to give them attention and I want less. He needs more affection than the two kids put together. Or is that his way of making sure I’m his???

@PressToChange I’ve gone through weepy. I feel emotionless. Maybe denial? The anger at the post nup? Anger at how he has suddenly become aggressive?
Anger that he still blames me?
Anger at myself for not saying I’m done?
Just numb and that is becoming a huge issue as I can’t show how I feel at all.

DD let it slip that he was moaning about my parents to her again. They’ve always seen what he is like and now I’ve confirmed it they don’t want to see him. He has made zero effort to rectify his wrongs with them as he sees it all as them.
I cant believe he is still trying to manipulate the situation with her. Get her on his side.
Actually I really shouldn't be surprised should I?

@OEJ1979 glad to hear you're ok. I was worried after the locking you in the bedroom incident that something might have happened.
Good to know the financial advisor is clued up and has given you advice. It's so insulting to your intelligence to ask you to sign the post nup and place all your faith in him to do the right thing.
My H has blocked me from his account since Sept/Oct. Historically, he'd told me we didn't need a joint account I could just access his.
What you say about you're either married or not rings true with me. I think my H is hedging his bets. Says he wants to be with me, is so sad and so sorry but, meh, doesn't trust me with "his" money. I've had years of being able to abuse the access to his account but didn't. I'm not that type of person.
However I must make a leap of faith and trust him when he says he will change. Even after promising this for ten years solid without changing.
When my H accuses me of breaking up the family, I tell him it's because of his behaviour. I've given my all - and then some. It sounds like you have too. You're setting an example to your DCs. If your daughter had said she was going through what you're going through you'd tell her to leave. I would physically pick mine up and get her out.

Sending strength for the next few days.

I must learn how to do the typing on this app. Bold everywhere!!!

Been doubting things are as bad as I thought after talking to the person irl at the weekend. They asked me about marriage counselling and had to tell them it was contraindicated due to the abuse. Was a bit gutted to be honest as I was really hoping they would have my back instead of telling me to sort it out.
I’m really torn and just don’t know what to do.

@Idontknow Are you sure the person you spoke to understood the abuse involved? Sometimes people don’t recognise it as such, especially if they’re only aware as very isolated incidents which they may consider normal in most relationships. Or if they themselves have experienced toxic relationships but are unaware. Just a thought...

OEJ1979 I hope it goes ok with the mediators but you might consider holding your cards close to chest. Years ago I had to have one session with mediators and actually, since ex-h was a real narcissist and charming to women, the two older women running it were taken in by him. (I can come across as hard and self controlled when cin that kind of situation - as you were saying, I think it's because I'm so done with DP at the moment that's now the point I've reached permanently!) I think the general wisdom is that mediation doesn't work if there is an abusive man in the equation so if you feel that is in the mix it may be worth being extra careful of the mediation being used by him as a tool to gain his own ends.

I'm feeling quite anxious today. DP challenged me about what 'I was planning to improve things in our relationship' now 'I had stopped counselling'. Hmm. It wasn't the right time for me to say it is all finished but I was forced to say it. Once again all decisions sit in my court - more evidence of a man-child. Feeling bad though. He didn't get the answer he expected and was shocked. As many of you have said it's easy to think 'it's not that bad, maybe he's ok really'... but I can't ever see that I could fancy him again and I can't see what he adds right now that is positive to my life. How things can change over time...

Presstochange we had that line about mental health too. But sometimes too much has happened to go back to before that time hasn't it - well that's what i feel. The fact that DP could say 'but I'm feeling better than I was and the way I behave is better' as a reason why I should just be able to pick things up again as if nothing had happened and also that I should accept being subject to the wind changes of his mood/mental health seems pretty self absorbed - or is it just me?!

@marly11 yes I agree.too much has happened. It's pretty much a one sided deal. We must put up with their bad behaviour and then excuse it because of mental health, lack of sex, x, y and z.
Years of this behaviour shouldn't affect us at all. Please put it all to one side as H has said he's changed, or sorry or both. It's therefore instantly erased..... interestingly his mental health didn't make him abuse his friends. Just our family unit.

@IdontKnowMyName some people in rl really just don't get it. I think unless you've had experience of it it may be difficult to get.
Amongst other things my H is financially reckless. Bought a massive practically new 4w drive 2 years ago. I tried telling a friend that I couldn't stop him. Complete lack of comprehension from rl friend. Why couldn't you? And I can't really explain it myself. Because he makes decisions and there's no discussion, because he's the main earner. That's just practical stuff but the emotional explanation is so very complex. My opinions and thoughts aren't valid? It just sounds so weak like I didn't try.
When he was going through a phase of telling me to leave but he was staying in the house with the children I phoned a friend. She knew how unbalanced he was. Knew about me being hit. Knew he had a conviction for assault because of it. I told her what he was saying said he had to go and the children are staying with me.
In reply I got well the oldest can chose so it's not up to you.
I said no, no, they can yes but he can't be allowed to have them. He's unwell, unstable. I'm afraid for them. He can't cope under pressure. I said this is his second caution for assault against me.
She said, "well I don't know that darling".
I said but I'm telling you.
I was left in a weeping mess and I found it a stark reminder about how much an uphill battle this was going to be. To the outside world he's utterly charming. I think he's a narcissist as the definition applies.
So don't take it to heart. Don't doubt yourself. Try to have strength in your belief and your knowledge of what has happened.

Hello everyone, I am really sorry that you find yourselves in these situations. I'm hoping you can advise me? I know it sounds a ridiculous question but I'm pretty sure I'm being emotionally abused but I'm not sure if it's me or not. He doesn't do a lot of things that have been mentioned but he does go into black moods with me for no reason in a regular basis and will literally not discuss anything of any importance. I don't know why it matters to me to give it a label

Well he’s back!
Four days apart and many would be so excited to see their H. Nope. He’s here. He’s irritating me. Irritating the kids.
He’s trying to nice, offering to help, making nice chit chat. But that’s it. I didn’t want to rush up to him and give him a big hug and kiss. I have little to say to him.
He’s Just annoying everyone to be honest. Just had to stop him from going to show a new t-shirt to DD who is in the bath.
Please correct me if I’m wrong but at 13 I’d have been mortified if my dad had waltz in on me in the bath for a chat!!
I’ve gone from calm and happy to stressed and snappy.

Is this telling me something I’ve been trying desperately not to hear?

So after telling H last week that I dont want to stay he's spent the last five days pretending the conversation never happened, but being oh so conscientious and 'can I get you tea' , kissing me goodbye, 'you pick what we have for takeaway ' blah de blah.

He purposefully held my hand when out this evening (unexpectedly ate out, just the two of us) and was all attentive until i asked him why he was being so ( v unusual for him). He got a bit flustered and I asked why he hadn't mentioned last week's talk. He then went on about how he was going to change his life around. How he'd watched a video about work stress blah blah and it would all be different. No working all the time when home, no bad temper, all would be roses and unicorns etc. Not one mention of me being unhappy, money issues, kids being anxious. So I told him that was great but that I still felt the same and would be seeking individual counselling. Well, the whole contrite shite stopped when he realised I wasn't going to fawn all over him and say 'that's wonderful darling. Everything will be back to how you want it to be'. He was pretty pissed off with me and is currently sulking and working on his laptop. Like every bloody night of the week.
It's all effing mind games. And I have to keep telling myself that I'm worth more.

Sorry. That was a real ramble, but I had to get it out.

And sorry that everyone else is still having such a shit time of it. We deserve better.

@Beelzebop I typed up a big response earlier and it didn’t post :-( Welcome to the thread. I’m probably not the best person to ask about what constitutes emotional abuse as I’m still struggling to get my head around my own situation. I am doubting myself even when other people have told me it is abusive behaviour.
I did an online search and came across this article which I thought may help.

www.healthline.com/health/silent-treatment#when-its-abusive

@Fedupandfedupagain 💐 it’s soul destroying to have the person you once thought you’d spend the rest of your life with show their true colours.
I hate when they pretend that they give a shit but it’s all just part of the cycle of abuse or their manipulative sh$t to reel you back in.
H is doing his own thing as usual and it magnifies the isolation I feel if that makes any sense. We are all in the same house and sometimes in the same room but yet feel so alone as there is just so much disconnect.

@PressToChange sounds like the friend told IRL is determined to live in denial about it. Its so hard, especially the more subtle stuff. And I think far to many people tend to think oh he's a good guy, it's not his fault. A friends X is abusive, I 100% believe her, but I could see how it might be hard for others to believe. He never loses his temper in public, he's a very charasmatic personable man, who presents as a great guy to the world at large.

@Beelzebop it sounds like the silent treat maybe, which is abusive behaviour designed to punish and bring the other person back into line. Not something H does, though he does withhold information till I deserve it. There's a few threads with that mentioned, might pop up with some informtive posts if you search for it.

Posted too soon

@OEJ1979 I think it is telling you something you desperately don't want to hear. I'm there too. Every part of me is saying it doesn't want to be near him. He did something EA the other day, nothing big but for the first time I found myself thinking that's abusive. I have hours of clarity, I know logically the only solution is to separate, that I can't go on like this, but I don't know how to find the strength to say enough, we're done. The hope that it'll somehow work out just won't die.

@Fedupandfedupagain It's all effing mind games. And I have to keep telling myself that I'm worth more.. It is all mind games and we are worth so much more. Its hard after being ground down for years to remember that.

Thanks for your replies. It's like being stuck in a hole.

Hope everyone is surviving the weekend. H is feeling under the weather so as a result is in an absolutely foul mood. I think I might be back to sharing a room with one of the dc as I’m sick of listening to him snore. I can’t remember the last time I managed more than four hours sleep in one go which is probably clouding my judgment

There's so many of us....
Guilt setting in, I'm still swinging from looking at him and gagging slightly to feeling the oh it's not so bad...

We stayed at a friend's overnight, hot a bit drunk and I felt wretched this morning, the couple were asking if I'd be OK to drive him, as it was a long drive, he didn't say anything, he knows that his refusal to learn to drive makes my life more difficult. He has barely said a word to me, total silence the whole 40 min drive back.
He's still being husband of the year, it should make me want to stay, it doesn't.
I need to leave him purely because he's a decent bloke but I'm not behaving decently towards him.

Our friends were chatting between themselves, laughing, affectionate with their own children and ours. Just such a contrast to me and DH.
We were talking about house improvements and DH got animated for about the first time in weeks, talking about work he's done to the garden. I just had this horrible though, I can't leave him, if he moves out, all that work, all his time, it's so unfair...
Then I catch myself and think bloody hell, I'm more worried about a bloody patio than missing him!

@Idontkowmyname it must not be helping, the not sleeping. Recently I've needed sleep so much, because I wake up several times in the night. I look for excuses to sleep in with DS, I think if he was snoring I'd be out of there, would give me an excuse.
I think after counselling I'm going to suggest DH start sleeping in the spare room, I'm hoping he will go for it. Fed up of hanging off the edge of the bed.

@Stegasaurusmum sadly probably a case of too little too late. If anything I think It almost makes things worse as you see what they “should have” been doing the entire time.

Survived another weekend with h and the dc. Tough weekend with the dc and not feeling like a team makes things harder. Some comments he made today when we were on a family outing made me cringe and in my mind were inappropriate in front of the dc.
Wishing finances weren’t so influential in dictating the fate of our marriage. Got no idea how to manage longer term. I know Dc will need consistency until the end of the school year but beyond that I just don’t know.

Yes, that's how I'm feeling, I kind of feel angry that he couldn't help before... But then he would say I never asked him to.

As if me saying I'm depressed, I'm overwhelmed, having online counselling, none of that was enough...
I've just checked out.

I looked into finances again, it's actually looking OK. So just the guilt about his feelings, him leaving the house, staying in rented housing... I have to think how lucky I am really that I'm not trapped, really.

I think I just need to go a step at a time though.

He will want to try. I don't want to, really. But I have to look myself in the eye and think I tried everything.

My dp isn't abusive but he neglected me for a few years when I needed his support and now it's like we live separate lives under the same roof. We don't even sleep in the same room. That's my choice. Though we stopped having sex before I moved to a different room, and that wasn't my choice when it started but now I hate the thought of it.

He did go through a phase of being a bit nasty. It was a stressful time for both of us. I withdrew from him and he was nasty to me. Then I told him I wanted to leave him and ever since then he's been trying to make an effort - but I think it's too late. I don't feel the same way about him anymore. The thought of spending the rest of my life with him fills me with dread.

He wants to go on a family holiday and I feel sick at the thought of it. He's been extra nice to me recently. Actually trying to talk to me and touching my arm and kissing my cheek. I think it's because he's scared of me leaving. I want him to stop being nice to me. I want him to do something wrong and I know that isn't fair but I want an excuse to leave.

We can't afford to live in two homes and I don't want our DD's life to be disrupted just because I am unhappy. I'm also scared of doing the wrong thing. My whole adult life has been with him and I can't imagine being alone. I feel so stuck because of money worries and the fear that leaving is the wrong thing to do.

Sorry I saw this thread and just wanted to offload.

@CannaeBelieveItsNot welcome to the thread. Can really relate to the thought of spending the rest of your life with them filling you with dread. I dream of winning the lottery so we could separate and live comfortably.
Being nasty to you repeatedly would probably fall under the umbrella of abuse as well as neglecting you. Our understanding of abuse has evolved and involves so much more than the stereotypical physically violent abuser.
A few of us can relate to the feeling of too little too late. In my mind if they truely cared about us they would have put in the effort before the risk of losing us was brought to the forefront. I’m probably rambling in my sleep deprived state.