Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

I spoke to my boss today, they'd asked me back in November if I was OK as I was depressed, was distancing myself from the OM to try to work on things so was miserable...
Roll on 2 months, less miserable about OM but still missing him dreadfully, trying to put him out of my mind but he was my only little glimmer of happiness really, now gone.
Funny thing was that telling her today that I felt that maybe things were done for me felt like a total relief..

Then I get home, look at my home, my children and DH making an effort with switching on the dishwasher and making a shopping list (for me to do the shopping, as he refuses to learn to drive) and I feel so guilty and think well maybe I can't leave, he's not that bad.
But then he is asleep on the sofa next to me, still in his stinky cycling gear and snoring and hasn't said more than a few words all evening. I can't bear the thought of him sleeping next to me later.. And I think that's what it comes down to.

Counselling next week. No point trying to talk to him before then, did think I might try but he just doesn't really listen.

@Stegasaurusmum so sorry to hear that things are so tough 💐. It’s soul destroying when you get to the point of not wanting to share a bed with the person you hoped you’d spend the rest of your life with. A sweaty mamil snoring away on the sofa would challenge most relationships.
Dh snores and at one point told me I should be grateful and happy that he’s snoring as that means he was sleeping and getting rest. He used some bs expression about it relating it to sounds of love! Fortunately since the shit hit the fan he’s been much more understanding about the impact that it has on me.
Just wishing I knew if the improved version was sustainable or if I’m just delaying the inevitable.

Thanks. I'm up and down. Haven't had to see OM since last weds, so it's easier, although I miss him, I can put him out of my mind. I may bump into him at work tomorrow or Thursday, hoping not, so I can manage a whole few more days away from him.

I'm thinking now I'm going to have to sit DH down at the weekend and tell him that he needs to be prepared that it's going to take more than 'helping' around the house and that I don't think counselling is going to be a magic fix. I can't send him in there knowing how I feel (ultimately hoping that I might get the feelings back, with work, but also feeling that it's gone too far) and blindside him with it in front of someone else.

I do know that he's not going to take it well, he will probably go silent and not engage at all.

I just can't find the tight time though, every night my 10 year old is up late, not able to sleep, he was snoring by 9.30 last night so no conversation.

I'm thinking Friday night, but we are meant to be seeing friends Saturday night, however I guess it might be a distraction.

Sunday nights seem to be the time for discussions, but I'm just so done with it.
A week till counselling... Really not sure what to expect. Trying to fill up every night until then with things do I can ignore the fact we are barely talking. We didn't before, but it's just worse now.

byebyemissAmericanPie it is exhausting and I get the projection thing too. I’m told he is sick of walking on egg shellls and I’m aghast as he shows no sensitivity to me or the dc at all. I’ve had “stop shouting” and “you’re very aggressive aren’t you”. Short answer is no I am not.

OEJ1979 I hope you’re doing ok. It sounds like you’ve had a very emotional few days. Trapping you in the bedroom is awful. It sounds like he has tried bravado to keep you and can see it isn’t working. Now it’s like hes having a breakdown!! That’s frightening.

ToBreatheAgsin, yes I think I do want him to accept his role in this. Know what he has done.
I really feel for you. Is there anyway that if your H wasn’t there you could pay for the little help he currently does for you? You don’t sound at all happy and it’s so unfair.

Supersadsuzy what was it for you that made you say. No. This is it. It’s over? A lot of us on here are hesitant (me included) it might be helpful for us to know what gave you the strength to be firm in your decision?

Hello pajamas I hope your legal help goes well.

StegosaurusMum that sounds really hard him making an effort but not really making an effort in his stinky clothes. And if he’s not what you want, he’s not what you want. I don’t know what you could do to change that. If you could wave a wand and picture your future would he be in it?

Marly11 good luck with the financial advisor tomorrow.

We had an odd day yesterday. During me making lunch we had this unusual exchange and I’m not even sure how we got on to the subject of our relationship.
Normally we both don’t talk when we are both in the room together with no children. He must have said something and I gave it to him. Both barrels.
I remained calm. Didn’t shout or scream. Did cry a bit but told him how much of a shit husband he has been. How much I have done for him at the expense of my own life/wants/needs. Listed a good few things!
He said everything he’s done he’s done for me. I said stop that crap because although that’s what he says, he never listens. I told him he does what he thinks we want rather than what we do want, even if I’m in front of him telling him clearly, he knows best so much he’ll do what he thinks I want rather than what I’m telling me I want.
Surprisingly, he actually cried. Said he’d tried but just got it so wrong. Non of it actually swayed me. I said yes you’re saying your sorry now but what about when I’m saying I want half your pension. Will you be sorry then?
He asked me if I’d engaged a solicitor and I said no but I will be doing because this has to be done properly, you can’t just google it. Again, he was surprised.
Said he wasn’t sure if I had actually loved him. Now that’s ludicrous and ridiculous. Why have I given it such a bloody good go and taken such rubbish from him if it wasn’t for love and the relationship?!
Anyway have hit a sort of plateau. We are not blanking each other but nor are we together. Civil I suppose without too much coldness.
I’m hoping that’s a good sign and perhaps we can part in a civil way. I will be putting the children first and I’m hoping he can now, if he truly is sorry.
I have a solicitors appointment tomorrow so hopefully will feel wiser after that.
Things can change so quickly though with him and his emotions. I won't be holding my breath.

I am learning from here that I am not alone. Since my outburst over a week ago, H has mainly kept his hands to himself and not pestered for sex as much. He makes a sly comment here and there though and it is still all about him.
We went away at the weekend, I was dreading it. It was our son's birthday treat and on the whole, we did have a lovely time, there were just a handful of incidents that I wished never happened.
On the first night we stayed at a Premier Inn, not a problem at all but H found it a problem as we were on the ground floor and had to cross the road for breakfast the following morning. Also the heating/AC unit was too loud. He also got his way in the morning, waking me up by poking me with his manhood. Great. The days activities past smoothly, well until he realised he didnt pack his swim shorts. There was a big tesco near the next hotel, said we would pop in for some.....que a big sulk as he didnt want to 'go shopping'. Anyway, we were in and out in 5 minutes with some swim shorts. Headed to the 2nd hotel and checked in. This hotel had a pool and we had some lovely family time swimming and playing in the pool. He then decided to drink. I manage to get one of the best rooms in this hotel through work and there was complimentary drinks in the fridge. H drank them and then proceeded to prop up the bar. He staggered back to the room drunk, fell onto the bed and went to sleep. Our boy just said - at least i have you mummy, daddy always spoils things with beer. Broke my heart. The next morning I was awoken again by him wanting sex. I am sick of being woken up. We had another lovely day without too much complaining which was good.

I sometimes think - do I deserve this? Is this my punishment for always giving in. Why can't I confront him, why do I always want a peaceful life.

When I spoke to woman's aid, they suggested getting a doctors appointment to get it on my records, I am not sure why really? Is this so it can be used in court, like a peice of evidence? Anyway, I booked a doctors appointment, waited two weeks and I have just receieved a phone call to advise me the doctor is ill and that my appointment tomorrow is cancelled. I am to phone back in the morning to book a new appointment.

I feel like i have rambled on far too much, it just helps writing it down. Much love everyone x

@PressToChange it is exhausting and I get the projection thing too. I’m told he is sick of walking on egg shellls and I’m aghast as he shows no sensitivity to me or the dc at all. I’ve had “stop shouting” and “you’re very aggressive aren’t you”. Short answer is no I am not. H has done very similar. Telling the kids mummy is angry and shouting, when I wasn't. His excuse after his scary episode was you yell too. Yes sometimes I do yell, and I hate doing it.
But I yell in a I've asked you to put your shoes on 10 times you need to do it now kind of way or in a get of your brother and stop hurting him way. Not in a scary angry way that makes the kids worry about me getting angry for 2 months afterwards and means our DC with anxiety still doesn't trust him over half a year later.

Did cry a bit but told him how much of a shit husband he has been. How much I have done for him at the expense of my own life/wants/needs. Listed a good few things!
He said everything he’s done he’s done for me. I said stop that crap because although that’s what he says, he never listens. I told him he does what he thinks we want rather than what we do want, even if I’m in front of him telling him clearly, he knows best so much he’ll do what he thinks I want rather than what I’m telling me I want.
Surprisingly, he actually cried. Said he’d tried but just got it so wrong.. @PressToChange you could be talking about my H here, that's exactly him and he said exactly the same a few months ago when I told him he'd done what he thought was best for us, not what I actually wanted. That he'd done things that were the opposite of what I needed and had stated I needed because he thinks he always knows what's best. He got upset and said he'd been doing everything for us and had just got it wrong. But it's just such bull. All he had to do was really listen to me once over the last 5 years, in any of the bug discussions we've had and he would have realised he was doing what he wanted and hurting me in the process. I hate that I was doing it all for you. You can’t excuse hurting someone because apparently your intentions were good, especially when they told you multiple times that what you were doing or what you were pushing them to do was hurting them.

Good luck to everyone getting legal or financial advise tomorrow, I hope it helps bring some clarity about what you want.

@Stegasaurusmum Then I get home, look at my home, my children and DH making an effort with switching on the dishwasher and making a shopping list (for me to do the shopping, as he refuses to learn to drive) and I feel so guilty and think well maybe I can't leave, he's not that bad.
But then he is asleep on the sofa next to me, still in his stinky cycling gear and snoring and hasn't said more than a few words all evening. I can't bear the thought of him sleeping next to me later.. And I think that's what it comes down to.

I think that about H, he's not that bad. But honestly that just means he's not that good. And putting on the dishwasher and writing a shopping list, that should just be standard stuff in a marriage. It's not exactly an amazing effort to save your marriage. But for the me last point is the kicker. I don't want to lie next to H in bed, I don't want to hug or kiss him, I can't imagine ever wanting to have sex with him again. I don't think I can get past the Ick even if I want. I tried for months and it just made me feel more and more worthless. And now I don't really want to get past it. I don't want to not see my children every day, I don't want to hurt H or make it so he can't see his children every day. But I don't want to be married to H anymore. And given the Ick, I don't see how our marriage can ever work again. Even if our house was big enough to have separate rooms for us each I can't see him accepting being in a sexless relationship for the next 40 odd years. I don't think he'd end it though. I think he'd eventually have an affair and blame that on me and still expect me to end it after all he's the good guy.

Was speaking to dh about an activity I do and he mentioned depending upon timings that he could collect me. I asked if he meant from the venue or the bus station and he turns around and says I need to “put out” at least three times a week if I want collected from the venue. I can’t believe he thought it was appropriate to say that or indeed that he even thinks that way in the first place. 🤢 am I overreacting to feel that way or is it just yuck?

Whaaaaast?? Cheeky fucker, you’re not a prostitute! Sorry to mentally drained again to write much after another one of those days, but I couldn’t respond to that!

Too drained I meant. And I couldn’t tag you @Idontkowmyname

Definitely Ick. That's horrible @Idontkowmyname. It's like how Hs if we have more sex I'll treat you better makes me feel. Or he's I can explode with anger because I'm sexually frustrated and I'm not going to do anything to change unless you fix that. When the reason we're not having sex in the first place is a. He doesn't think he loves me anymore and B. He keeps acting like a jerk which means the last thing I want to do is have sex.

idontknow that is awful, what a twat.

Yes, I've got the ick. I need to get it about OM, really trying to but can't.

He's acting all wounded puppy at the moment, any question I ask is answered with one word.

I have no idea about counselling, if he sits there not saying anything I think that's us very done. He is doing more, but just the things he's neglected whilst I picked up the slack for the last 5 years.

Told my mum we were having counselling yesterday, she wasn't upset, just a bit dismayed. Discussed why, a bit, she said yeah well your father is the same...

No shit sherlock, why do you think I'm here now!

@Idontkowmyname Yes. ICK. YUK. BLEURGH. And more.

I’ve been in this limbo for several years. Waiting for the ‘right’ time to leave. I promised myself that I’d never see in another New Year with H...

DS is about to leave home. He’s back here to work temporarily , and using the garage to do his hobby. But once he’s finished, I don’t think I have any more reasons to stay. He’s been the only thing that H and I have been united on. And he’s the only one that will haul up H on his behaviour.

Two things I recommend.

1. Get counselling for yourselves. On your own. It gave me huge clarity. Relate was a disaster for us, personally, but it had to be tried.

1. Get proper legal advice. Beg or borrow the money if necessary. Knowledge is power.

Interesting how different they all are. One of my biggest problems is Financial Control. I get an allowance. (H lives in the 1950s)
He has seen our IFA and discussed our money without me throughout our entire marriage.
I am apparently sh*te with money despite running the household budget for 23 years.

This is me. I know we need to leave, he isn't abusive, but the relationship is sapping at my soul, and he is selfish and lazy to the point I just can't do it anymore. For reference, he works away a lot, he has been away far more than he has been home, and has done so since DS was a few weeks old. As well as caring for a close family member, all through maternity leave I was looking after DS alone, and he was expecting me to pay 50/50 even though I had no income coming in. When he is home he doesn't help at all with housework, he lies in bed until midday, never does bath and bed, or meals, I had to sell my car and he never takes us all out anywhere. He also never showers when here, so his level of respect is low (he doesn't have depression before anyone asks, and he quite happily showers if he is meeting friends but when he is away at work)- we are talking 3 weeks at Christmas. He doesn't help with the housework, and we barely speak in honesty. It's just no way to live. I am back at work now full time which is exhausting while looking after DS alone and running the household, and yet when he is here he still doesnt help. Most days we don't even message or talk on the phone. I just don't know where to start, we have a house together and although I could afford the monthly mortgage payment and bills, I can't afford to buy out his proportion of deposit and contributions up to this point. Moving sounds way too stressful right now, and likely I'd have to move away from my family and friends due to low availablity of affordable housing (we were very lucky to get this). It all feels overwhelming at the moment, and I want to do best by our son as well. I also wouldn't want to prevent contact between the 2 of them, but I have some concerns about the level of care, and don't know if it's better to stay put for now so he doesn't see him alone. Again, not abusive, but would only feed pouches of food as "scared" or solids, he has been eating them for nearly a year and pouches aren't enough; the rare times he has run a bath it's been scalding; he would happily smoke around him if I didn't say anything; sleeps through him crying in the morning because he says he is tired; and he thinks playtime is sticking a toy in the cot. He has never taken him out alone or in the pram. I was concerned this was just as I was here a lot more and he lacked confidence, but I've tried and he just doesn't want to know. Things like the bath are just common sense.

I’ve been watching this thread for a while because I am in a similar boat. Want to leave DH and have done for a while, but I don’t feel I have a good enough reason to. He isn’t abusive (was in an abusive relationship in my 20s), works hard, doesn’t go out drinking, has never cheated - and yet. He doesn’t communicate, is not affectionate, doesn’t seem to care if I’m ill or upset about something. I had an interview a while back and he didn’t even wish me luck or ask how it went because he is so tied up with his work.

I know compared to so many people I have nothing to complain about, but I am miserable and feel trapped and like there’s a dark cloud over me every single day. I told him last year I wanted us to split, thinking he would feel the same and I was taken aback by how devastated he was. He’s made a few changes since then but it’s not enough, and I don’t feel it ever will be.

None of us have any savings, although he could manage to stay in the house on his own but he has said he doesn’t want to move out, I can’t afford to and have nowhere to go and no-one I could stay with. I just don’t know how I can carry on as I am, but I will for the DCs. Sorry for derailing the thread.

@PickMeImNice a relationship doesn’t need to be abusive for you to have a reason to leave. The lack of care and attention/affection can still have an impact upon your emotional wellbeing. Humans need love and affection in order to feel happy in a relationship. And you are most definitely not derailing this thread, this is what the thread was created for.

Idontknowmyname that's definitely gross. Hard sometimes to be objective about these things when you are in it, but sex is not a bargaining chip for favours and to be in that position must feel very stressful and devaluing for you. I for one am glad that I have just stopped having to do it - when I lost respect for DP my desire just walked out the door and while I put up with feeling like I 'ought to do it' for a couple of years I am mightily relieved that I have shut that particular door for now. So many of us are doubting things at the moment.l and it's so difficult to be brave enough. I am feeling positive right now having seen the financial adviser today and sharing with friends. I can see a positive future but it's the telling DP and the related fall out and pain for the DC which I am dreading and will have to build up to. Next step, I was advised today, house valuation for 'quick sale' albeit I hope I will be able to keep it... but just to work out the huge sum I am going to have to materialise through a bigger mortgage than I have ever had in my life to get DP out.

pickmeimnice I totally get that..he sounds very like DH.
Cautionary tale... I posted on mumsnet 10 years ago about me carrying the domestic burden, then having started to feel that DH didn't interact with our then 8 week old... People said you'll be resentful, you'll end up leaving, deal with it now... I didn't, not really. He now barely shows me affection, bar a peck on the lips, he doesn't really know how to interact with the kids, we barely talk, he doesn't talk to me about anything emotional, doesn't keep in contact when away other than the odd message and I started to feel very alone...
Along came some one who has been a friend and flirted and paid me attention for 5 years... I ended up having an affair. And falling totally in love with some who loves me, but isn't really someone I can be with.
I'm now in a mess, I don't really know what to do. In my clearest moments I feel I have to leave, I feel relieved. Then I panic, worry about money and think well he's not that bad, doesn't cheat, doesn't go out drinking, he's a good man.
But I wish I'd tackled it 10 years ago. Or that I'd left, 5 years ago. I might have had a very different life, I wouldn't be trapped into a huge mortgage, I wouldn't have to be in this mess, which I'm now non stop thinking about and which has taken over my life.
Counselling in a week with DH - I literally have no idea how he will react or if I can be honest. My biggest fear is he begs, or says he's going to change... I just have had enough, I've checked out.

@PickMeImNice I'm also in a similar situation. I've realised being unhappy is enough reason to leave, and I know I don't want this to be my life anymore. How to leave is the tricky part.
At the moment I feel like I have been so stupid, totally ruined my life and got myself trapped in this situation where I can't leave. We are not married (that's another story!) and I'm so scared of saying out loud I want to leave that I'm going to leave. I have no idea how he will react and I will be putting myself in an even more vulnerable position. How do I untangle from someone I've spent almost my entire adult life with.

@Stegasaurusmum that sounds very similar to my DP. Emotionally there is just nothing there, I cant even remember the last time we kissed, or had any physical contact. I miss it so much, but we have gone too far now and won't ever be able to get it back, I have no desire for him anymore. Too much has gone on and I don't even like him anymore.
I fell into what I guess is an emotional affair, it just made me realise what my life is missing, what I am missing. I forgot what it's like to spend time with someone interested in me and cares about me. But the same as you, not someone I can be with, or even want to be with really.

I'm just trying to concentrate on small steps to change things. I know it's going to be some time before I can leave, and I'm not getting any younger. I doubt I'm ever going to meet anyone else now, but I'm ok with that.

The hardest struggle for me is giving up stability. I am going to lose so much if I walk away, but life is so miserable right now I can't do it for another 20 or 30 years.

@Stegasaurusmum - it’s the most painful, difficult situation I’ve ever been in, and I swing between thinking I’ll stay, it’s not that bad because I can’t bear to hurt him and break the home up, to thinking I could be so much happier starting again... I just don’t know what to do. DH has suggested counselling in the past but I don’t know if it will make a difference because I don’t want to save the relationship, I want him to accept it’s over as amicably as possible, and I know he won’t do that. Completely stuck.

@DreadFull The hardest struggle for me is giving up stability. I am going to lose so much if I walk away, but life is so miserable right now I can't do it for another 20 or 30 years.
I will be giving up stability too. That scares me. I'm also afraid for my DC. Not physically but emotionally. Our eldest has bad anxiety and separation anxiety. Often won't even go on an outing with H. H is not good at coping with DC anxiety or with other DCs SEN. I have visions of our eldest crying and screaming at handover. I feel caught, I know how things are now is not good for the DC. But Im afraid not having me there to advocate for them with H will be damaging too.

I would say I feel scared of counselling because I'm worried he will make loads of effort but that actually it won't change how I feel.

I've rehearsed what I'm going to say so many times but each time I say it out loud I feel relieved.
I felt so light, such clarity when I said what I felt, that resentment, lack of affection, had eaten away at feelings of love, that then I'd started getting attention and affection elsewhere, and realised that I needed it, but I'm not sure if he can give it or if indeed I want him to.
I've put OM out of my mind to allow me to see if counselling can change things, but to be honest I've checked out, I'm done.

I just have to say it yo him now, I tried several times. With no response other than being told I need to point out exactly what needs to be done... So I am hoping counselling will open up the conversation.

I'm still scared of the financial stuff but when I properly looked into it, it wasn't that bad. I found that I could manage. I won't be comfortable but I won't be poor either. I'd eventually, after selling the house, be able to afford a small place for the 3 of us.
In some ways I'm fearful of selling, I love our house, we spent do much time doing it up, it was going to be our forever home.

But, things change. If I spent the next 18 years in the house, feeling empty, feeling lonely, throwing myself into the children, my friends, projects, work... Then returning, spending my days endlessly with him...

That is what I fear more.... The house wouldnt be worth that.

Its telling that I feel happy we hen I think of that future. But then like everyone I question it, I worry I'm making a mistake, I worry that I'm being clouded by my feelings for OM.

But I also think counselling is the first step, telling him exactly how I feel, then we take it from there.
Even if that's separate bedrooms to start with, after some space maybe it'll feel real and I might suddenly think I'm making a mistake, there is something left to work on.

Or, as I've imagined sometime, he might turn round and agree with me!

I found it hrlpful to write down the different outcomes, to see how I felt about each... Was quite telling.

all of the financial st

@ToBreatheAgain re the whole everything I did I did for you! That’s exactly what I said to him!! If you had listened for the PAST 10 YEARS you would have known me, know what I want.... I agree, it isn’t fair just to say my intentions were good therefore it’s all swept away.
He’s doing that too with his mental health. He says “well I haven’t been very well”. No but you still know right from wrong.

I’m speechless @IdontKnowMyName. Although when I went through all this 10 years ago and didn’t leave H was saying how many times a week he expected to have sex, so I shouldn’t be surprised. I find it quite shocking., it’s a very particular low in a relationship which says an awful lot. Sending you strength.

@BerryMuch, that’s definitely not an equal relationship or partnership. My H does a similar thing with the children although they’re older. I think it’s a form of control. It’s like they act reckless so you then seemingly can’t trust them to look after dc properly. Therefore you don’t. If you don’t have family or friends you be one isolated. And the cycle begins. I wish I’d acted 10 years ago. I’m not sure why I didn’t. A mix of stuff. Fear of the unknown, is it worth it type of thing. I could have had 10 years of happiness.

@PickMeImNice living like that is very draining. You know you’re not alone. Sharing your experience and knowing others stories I hope offers you support.

@stegausaurusmum I feel the same about our house. I painted most of those bloody walls. It’s a renovation job and it will be pretty difficult to leave that and the what ifs it used to represent. But exactly as you say. It will become a prison if I stay with H.

@OEJ1979 if you’re around let us know how you are getting on.

I had a really good appointment with a solicitor yesterday. It was a recommendation and the second one I’ve seen. I really felt she got me and the situation. The first solicitor I saw I thought I’d just be divorce case P, but with this person I think she’d fight for me. I felt I’d got more out of that one meeting than I did two with the first solicitors.

She also referred me in the direction of a domestic violence charity too which I thought was kind.

I now need to get to a financial advisor to work through our finances which are complex with many assets but many debts too.

Solicitor said that due to size of Hs pension we’d probably have to get an actuary. I’ve seen threads on here about that. Cost £3-4,000. I don’t have that amount of money which worries me.

I feel positive that I’ve found a good solicitor. I was going to go down the online application but now I think I’ll use this solicitor. Apparently if it gets complicated you come off line to paper anyway and I can imagine that’ll be us with difficult H. Although he could surprise me.

Despite that positivity, I’ve felt a bit weepy. I suppose that’s normal. Coming to the end.

@PressToChange I’m here still! Just haven’t had the energy to type! On fourth day of days apart.
Not missed him at all. Missed the kids terribly but kept myself busy. Back in my bed I had at 16 was strange. But I was relaxed. I wasn't scared. I knew I had no arguments coming at 1am. I felt at peace.

I’ve spent hours going through this post nup paperwork and seen a financial advisor.
He was shocked. There is a huge hole in some items not disclosed.
He can’t advise me further without the info.
His actual advise is you’re either married or divorced. Not the half way house he is trying to create. He thinks I’m stupid and I’m really not. He has booked mediation for next week. I will go once. I suspect the person will laugh like everyone else!

I am now ready and armed. I have a few bits for my solicitor to answer which will tidy it up.

Absolutely dreading tomorrow. The thought of him sitting here. Being together.
I feel like I keep trying to find reasons as to why this isn’t over and we can move on and be better but I’m yet to find it! I wonder if I’ve outgrown him now.
I don’t know.
Why is it that I feel like the lives of everyone are with me?