Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

[Idontkowmyname]

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

@OEJ1979 that's so tough and heartbreaking. You're not the controlling one, he is. It's really common for abusers to say things like that, to give you their faults. It's still abuse if he's acting in a way that makes you feel threatened. Throwing things is still physical abuse no matter where he's throwing them. It's that psychological threat that violence is possible. That behaviour has no place in a relationship. H is really good at making me doubt myself and painting me as the bad guy too. Its so hard when you've spent years believing their warped perspective to believe in yourself. If a friends husband has given her a post up and treated them this way I'll bet you'd have no confusion about who was in the wrong. That confusion is there because of the way he's treated you, not because you're wrong.

Evening all. Been a lurker for a few months and now joined as I saw this thread and really need to rant!
My H is having a major sulk (2 days and counting!), this is his modus operandi EVERY time, and I’ve really had enough. He went to bed at 3am this morning and has just got up at 10pm, he obviously thinks he is “punishing” me by avoiding my presence. I’m sick of his childish games and I’m now in the mindset to just be done with it all and leave him. Looking back it has always been me to cajole him out of his sulks but no more, I’m sick of it all. We have been married 35 years, two adult children (left home). I’m asking myself do I really want to put up with this in my later years?
The house is jointly owned however I know he would do his utmost to play dirty when it comes to finances, during another sulk a few months ago he threatened to not give me a penny. Both of us took early retirement, six years apart, he earned 4x more than me and has drawn down some of his private pension, pays all the bills and holidays, my pension is a pittance in comparison.
My family (parent and sibling) are 400 miles away, his family live abroad.

@raslebol welcome to the thread. If you are in a position to do so,could you seek some legal advice, at least this way you might have a clearer understanding of where you stand financially? Would you consider relocating to be closer to family?

Checking in with you all after long time absent. Our thread keeps me sane. OEJ1978 sorry to hear this post-nup thing is still continuing. I can't think how it's possible to work on a relationship where it's clear that one person is trying to exploit the other financially with scales weighted towards splitting - I should think that's impossible. Things are not better here in terms of 'working on thjngs'. I bailed out of the counselling this week since I don't think it's helping me and it's now totalled well over £1500 which to me seems madness when really she just sits there and listens plus encourages loads of picking at daily events over the previous week with no real outcomes. On that note DPs 'making an effort' towards equality this week has included forgetting I was working away very early one morning so that the kids had no childcare before school and I had to change my travel plans, sending me off for DCs sports lesson an hour late because of a change of times and looking at 'the wrong email' so for about the 6th time they missed it and forgetting to pay DS's lunch money account which was one of the domestic responsibilities he had agreed to take on when domestic burden was discussed at counselling. So this is him trying... all tiny things I guess but I can't live with it! Seeing a financial adviser this week in an attempt to see if I can manage to buy him out, but how you get someone to move out of their own home on relationship breakdown is a bit issue isn't it...

@Idontknowmyname
Thanks for your reply.
Yes, I searched online for info on the divorce process. H has said more than once to me “If you don’t like it then p* off back to your family”.
The constant bone of contention is the fact that he is a hoarder and penny pincher to boot (he calls this “economising”). He won’t throw anything out, he held on to a broken washing machine for FIVE years, I only managed to get rid of it when he was away on a visit to his family! That is just one example, there are many others. Nor will he donate items to the charity shop, says “I paid good money for that”. He has a considerable sum in the bank (enough to buy a house) and another two smaller private pensions on hold.
I think he has a “siege” mentality, this is seriously affecting our relationship. This is not how I envisaged our retirement.

@raslebol - wow. That’s a loooong time to be married to a sulker! We will (or maybe won’t) be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary this year. Almost grown up DC. So much history and so much ingrained behaviour from both sides.

It was when my DF died, and I saw just how loving and caring my DM was towards him for years. He had dementia, so it dragged on for 7 or 8 years. It exhausted her, but she did it out of sheer love for him. I realised that DH would never do that for me. He’d throw money at it, and head off to do his own thing. He’s absolutely devoid of any empathy.

It scares me shitless that he’s on the road to retirement and I’ll have him round the house all day, running his finger along items and examining the dust. We have a clean house!! But nothing is ever perfect for him.

@marly11 We’ve had counselling for about 10 sessions. It helped in the fact he opened up a bit, but like you said, it was an expensive hour of dragging up the previous weeks demeanours. And anything else we could think of. I threw the towel in, too.

@raslebol - get thee to a solicitor. I felt so much better when I knew what I’d be entitled to. Even if you have to pay, it’s money well spent.

There’s no way my H would agree to any mediation or counselling, he doesn’t like anyone knowing his personal business. Of course in his mind he’s never at fault.
I’ve been busy upstairs sorting through paperwork, will photocopy the latest bank statements this week and then find a solicitor.
Heard him from upstairs making his usual WhatsApp calls to his family abroad, all cheery, nothing out of the norm. He’s in for a shock.

May I join in?
We are together 19 years with 2 DCs ( 1 in primary, the other secondary). When he moved back to his home country early on in the relationship I followed him. Stupid me. I'm now stuck here and though back working full time for the last 2 years have realised that I am financially trapped for the next number of years until I can pay off debts and then save.
He's not a bad man, but is a workaholic and emotionally detached while I am the opposite. When things go wrong he burys himself in work / sulks while I just want to sort it out and get it over and done with. We are both unhappy but stuck with each other. Kids keep asking if we're getting divorced which just goes to show how obvious it is.
I told him earlier today that I'd like to separate as I think it would be better for both of us. He's currently working on his computer - head in sand again. I think he hope that if he ignores me I'll just forget about it and things will go back to the usual nothingness. But I'm fed up of going around in circles again and again, as in me exploding with pent up frustration 2 a year, him being attentive for 2 weeks and then back to the same old, same old. So I want this to be the year I start the ball rolling on financial independence and looking to a brighter future.

@OEJ1979 I hope you're OK.

I wish DH would have an affair or just leave. Our eldest has bad anxiety and doesn't like to be away from me, it makes her anxiety worse. I have no idea how we can make that work. I have visions of her crying at every handover and begging me not to leave. H has no patience with the kids, a no idea how to handle DC1s anxiety or Dc2 SEN.

I feel for you @raslebol, exactly the same thing happened to me. After more than 25 years, he sulked once too often. It really was like a switch flicked and I stopped caring.

That was over a year ago as I was persuaded to 'try again'. The sulks have stopped but the feeling of not caring anymore has not changed. I'm angry and resentful and finally said I want to divorce a couple of weeks ago.

Since then, he has asked me twice if it's still what I want and I've held firm. Our second DC is still at home, leaving later this year so I'm waiting for a few months but I'm getting things in order.

His main concern seems to be that we tell everyone that I am the one who is ending it and that he has tried his best to make it work. As you can imagine with a sulker who has always expected me to do everything at home, not true.

I've moved into the spare room and it's so lovely to have my own space. I'm sleeping better and really looking forward to having my own place one day. Untangling so many years together will be hard but I'm completely convinced it's the right thing for me. Stay strong everyone!

I've spent DHs birthday weekend making sure he's had a nice time and the children too.
I just now feel more guilty than ever and I'm feeling like ill never be free.
He's being great, but still distant. My fault I guess.
Hell expect sex later. I have resigned myself to it, I don't want yo but I told myself I'd properly try, put OM out of my head, try to get the intimacy back. There was a moment early this morning when he seemed like the man I married, but it went during the day.
I can't face the thought and feel like I'm giving false hope. But the sulking if I don't.

I am waiting till counselling to see if he will make a proper effort to try, but in all honesty I don't want him to. I want him to turn around and agree with me, that the love is gone and we are making each other miserable.

@Somefantasticplace “After more than 25 years, he sulked once too often. It really was like a switch flicked and I stopped caring.”
So true.

I didn't DTD... Just couldn't. Just gave zero desire for him. He wasn't trying really.
I feel awful, he knows something serious is up, finally.
Just got to bit the bullet and tell him.
Keep thinking about all the family stuff we have planned over the next few months, fills me with dread, how we talk to the family I don't know.

@Stegasaurusmum it sounds like he may have finally accepted things.

Mine DH fell apart this morning. Totally broke down. We are doing four days apart for two weeks and he doesn’t understand why,
I’ve told him so many times what he did and how it made me feel.
I’ve emotionally been on shut down to him since he refused to go so yes I’ve not given him a chance.
But he thinks dates and kisses are going to fix things.
I think he is seeing a personal counsellor today. He asked what I expect to see change in him.
I don’t know anymore.
I don’t know if I want him to.

Last night he came into my room at 1250am. Frightened the life out of me. Took me to ‘our’ bedroom to show me all the paperwork for this post nup.
Screaming at me.
I tried to leave the room and he blocked the door for an hour.
I went to call the police and he grabbed the phone.
Then this morning he breaks down and cuddles me for 20 minutes.

I don’t get it. Am I causing this from my lack of emotion?
I only felt something as he drove off.

Is it possible to love someone so much but detest the at the same time?
Am I scared because I know no different and feel like I’ll be lost without him there?
My whole adult life has been him but now I want some me I can’t.

I pray these two weeks give us some clarity.

So I maybe give him some time. Watch a movie at home or have some breakfast with him?
See if I enjoy his time anymore.
Or is that walking into his control with open arms?

There's a thread in divorce with ideas of what to say to kids of that's your concern @Stegasaurusmum.

I feel so sad and broken and completely exhausted. I don't want to do this anymore. Life is too hard, being in this much pain is too relentlessly hard. DH does so little at home and he's an angry jerk but I need that little bit of help he provides.

I feel completely trapped, there are no good choices left in my life. If I end our marriage, if Im lucky I'll get disability pension, but it's really hard to get here and very little money. It will be a struggle to look after my kids on it. And there's a very high likelihood I'll never be able to work again. But I can't stay, it's destroying me and I don't believe I'll ever be able to bring myself to have sex with him again. It's been six months now, I expect it will become a big issue very soon.

@OEJ1979 I'm so sorry things have gotten worse. He sounds abusive and irrational. I'd like to think if DH did that I'd leave straight away with DC. But I don't know anymore. I know I'd want my daughter to leave if that happened to her. It sounds really scary and like his behaviour is escalating. Which isn't unusual when someone whose being abused tries to leave their abuser. You don't have to try harder. He is an adult, his behaviour is his responsibility, you didnt make him do any of that. Can you at least get a lock or bolt added to your bedroom door? I'd be so worried it would happen again. Unmumsnetty hugs.

@Tobreatheagain I feel for you so much. I wonder if a trip to the council could help? See what you would be able to claim and get figures of how much. Then you will have a clearer idea. Maybe speak with your doctor also. Make sure they are keeping you safe and as well as possible and his behaviour is on your records.

I’ve never see him like this. He has never been aggressive. To then have him break down just confuses me so very much.

Not in UK @OEJ1979. I have a pretty good idea from when I checked 12 months ago what I'd get. It's survivable. My doctor knows. There just isn't anything left they can do. I want the pain to end, but DC need me so I'll cling on and hope things get better health wise once they're all in school. Just a really horrible day, nothing DH did. He's a jerk but I think just a jerk, not abusive. Or rarely abusive.

I think the whole breakdown post aggression or lots of apologies and pleading is what I've seen called the cycle of abuse on here. It is confusing to be dealing with angry scary H then just have it seem to switch off and they're nice. And they expect you to act like everythings OK. It makes you wonder what's real, which him is the real one. I hope he gives you the time apart and it brings some clarity.

This has been me...until the final straw broke last night and I asked for a divorce. Today I have transferred a (very) large sum from our savings acc (it was my cash in the beginning) into my own savings acc as security. I'm so scared and sad. I have a 13 mth baby and teen from my ex. Can't believe I am here again.

Hi everyone, I've been following this thread for a while and feel I belong here.

Some background... we've been together 7 yrs, married 4 & I have a DS (nearly teenaged) from before I met him. H is a decent bloke, a good dad and a good husband. Over time our relationship has just fizzled out, at least for me. He's aware of how I feel and has been an absolute model dad and husband recently, as if that's all it takes to fix things.

Anyway, I've made it clear that I want to separate/divorce, and essentially he's refusing to do anything. Being super nice but not engaging, discussing, or agreeing to mediation. Head in sand much?

I feel a bit stuck. I can afford to buy him out, and would definitely prefer to live here with DS (near school etc), but he's not cooperating and certainly won't move out.

@marly11 did you have any luck with the financial advisor? Do you think your DH will agree to move?

@Pajamas could you see a solicitor and see what they recommend. One option I can think of is to start divorce proceedings. Which would hopefully shock him out of having his head in the sand and force him to respond.

Pajamas I'm seeing financial advisor Wednesday so will update. I can't see him volunteering to move so I may have to play it open ie 'you can choose to buy me out or I will ...' in the knowledge that he can't afford to. Part of the fuel for all these problems has been him not getting/keeping a permanent job in recent years which wasn't the case when we met, so mortgage for him will be off the cards as things stand though he has a string of temporary posts so some income. No solicitors needed as we're not married - something I was sad about years ago which has added fuel to my unhappiness now, but now I'm relieved! But I think getting him to decide to go will be very difficult. Clinging on to security for dear life I would expect... I haven't said the words yet as I'm trying to understand my financials first but Ds1 (not his) is off to uni soon so I guess unless I hurry DPs income will be taken into account.

@ToBreatheAgain I'm planning to seek out legal advice tomorrow - I get a small amount of free legal advice through work too which is handy. I hope you're right.

@marly11 similarly in my situation, he can't afford to buy me out either, which is why I find the whole response bizarre... I hope you get some positive feedback from the financial advisor, and that your DP cooperates.

Just wish he would even agree to mediation or seek his own legal advice, anything to make him realise he can't just pretend and wait for it to pass. Unbelievably frustrating

Welcome to the thread @supersadsuzy and @Pajamas.

Feeling so confused at the moment. Spoke to someone irl over the weekend but it’s not really left me feeling like I’ve got a clear path moving forward. Very much dealing with the I don’t hit you so you can’t call me abusive mentality.